The PEN15 Club

The dog days of August arrive early this year as four not-ready-for-blockbuster-status releases come wheezing out of the gate. The lineup includes a Rob Zombie movie, a Sundance-bred wannabe sleeper, yet another remake (directed by Richard Linklater, no less) and the first Michael Bay movie to not have megasuccess be a foregone conclusion. It could, however, be worse - Catwoman opened on this weekend last year.

Bad News Bears: Uh, I guess Rick Linklater just likes to keep busy. With Tape, (the, face it, unwatchable) Waking Life, School of Rock and Before Sunset logjamming theaters over the past 3 1/2 years, the dean of Austin filmmaking cool is betraying his roots as a Slacker. He’s also thoroughly mortgaging his indie cred with this remake of the old Walter Matthau movie in which, y’know, kids get to swear and stuff. The film appears to follow the same formula as School of Rock, except instead of Jack Black we have Billy Bob Thornton, apparently hitting many of the same notes he did in Bad Santa (the two films share screenwriters). So what, pray tell, is the point of this again? Maybe it’s to give co-stars Greg Kinnear and Marcia Gay Harden a chance to stretch as, respectively, a slick jerk and a no-nonsense shrew. Oh, wait…

The Devil’s Rejects: Yep, it’s the long-awaited prequel to Rob Zombie’s 2003 directorial debut, House of 1,000 Corpses. Yes, Zombie’s wife, the irresistibly named Sherie Moon Zombie, plays a prominent role. No, sadly, Corpses star (and ’70s whack-job goddess/emergency plane lander) Karen Black does not return. Also sadly, of everything coming out this weekend, this is highest on my want-to-see list.

Hustle & Flow: The sensation that thrilled Sundance audiences! (-1 point) Starring the riveting Terrence Howard as a pimp! (+2 points) Who undergoes an 8 Mile-style rise to rap stardom! (-1) Co-starring baby-faced fugstress (and self-proclaimed rocker) Taryn Manning! (-1000)

The Island: An interesting phenomenon is happening with Michael Bay’s latest movie, a flash-wham-bang action pic about, like, clones or something. Media outlets keep reporting its surprisingly low pre-release audience tracking numbers - specious bits of data that are notoriously inaccurate. This may be the first big-budget film to be declared a financial disappointment before its release. I don’t know how I feel about Scarlett Johansson being done up all blonde and buxom (I prefer her bookish and irritated, as in Ghost World and Lost in Translation), but I’d probably pay $9 to watch Ewan McGregor scrub his toilet. On his hands and knees.