The PEN15 Club

If you thought last weekend seemed like grim times at the multiplex, fasten your suckbelts: this weekend features Kurt Russell encased in rubber and Jessica Biel getting billed above Jamie Foxx.

Must Love Dogs: Diane Lane is single. Poor Diane Lane. In Movieland, this forces her to reduce herself to (gasp!) online dating, and to break into spontaneous song-and-dance numbers with her slightly-less-stunning-so-no-one-cares-if-she’s-single sister (Elizabeth Perkins, a great actress who works almost exclusively in crap). In real life, Diane Lane is not single, but she must endure Barbra Streisand as a stepmother-in-law, and isn’t that the real tragedy? (We won’t mention those domestic violence rumors surrounding Lane and hubby Josh Brolin - oops, mentioned ‘em.) With paycheck-cashing John Cusack, hard-drinking Stockard Channing and Sexiest Man in the Movies Dermot Mulroney.

Sky High: Michael Angarano, aka Jack’s sperm bank son on Will & Grace, attends a high school for kids with superpowers. But it’s nothing like X-Men or The Incredbiles, we swear. Angarano’s superhero parents are played by a spandex-sportin’ Kurt Russell and Kelly Preston (who may have super powers, but the ability to turn gay $cientologists straight isn’t one of them). From the director of Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo (is it Oscar season yet?).

Stealth: “I shot this before I won my Oscar. I repeat, BEFORE!” insists Stealth co-star Jamie Foxx of this way-expensive sci-fi piece about fighter jets with minds of their own (or at least he would have if we could get him on the phone). Foxx takes third billing, after Josh “Beaky” Lucas and Jessica “The Rev’s Daughter” Biel. It’s okay, Jamie. Every Oscar winner is allowed one “I shot it before I won” embarrassment. See Charlize Theron in Head in the Clouds, Morgan Freeman in Unleashed and Adrien Brody in Dummy. Actually, if you ever see any of those movies, you’re not allowed to visit this site ever again. I’m sorry, but we must have standards.