In the final stretch of the Boy Scout of America two-week jamboree in Virginia, one thing has become painfully clear: God hates the Boy Scouts.
I mean, of course you’re going to expect some trouble when you pile 50,000 adolescent boys wearing above-the-knee shorts in a Virginia mud pit, but normally the incidents are contained to suspicious games of “slap and tickle,” and few awkward moments of pedophilia. So it’s a bit of a surprise, to say the least, that, after only two weeks, five are dead and over 300 vibrant scouts fell ill with man lust heat stroke.
Not to make light of these tragic happenings, but I can’t help but to wonder why scout camp is no longer just about bare-chested wrestling and sexual exploration like it was when I was a budding do-gooder. In fact, I believe the moral foundations of the PEN15 Club are a direct nod to the life lessons I learned before being expelled from the Boy Scouts in an incident involving a tube of cherry chapstick and a cupped hand. Don’t ask.
Anyway, I thought that it might make the young lads feel better about their jamboree if I listed a few more things that could have easily gone wrong at camp, but didn’t. Yet.
- Immediate and fad-like popularization of the term “sit on my face”
- Scientology tents appearing throughout camp to administer stress tests
- Freak accident involving lightning
- Two words: Neverland Ranch.
- Anything involving fecal matter or golden showers
- Scouts assigned Scientology Chaperones
- Gang wars/Race riots
- Roman Catholic church tents appearing throughout camp to administer testicular cancer tests
- Magic the Gathering tournament getting out of hand, resulting in mass suicide
- The creation of a musical theater merit badge
- Two more words: Craigslist Rendezvous.
- Hepatitis outbreak, the result of needle sharing and/or analingus
- Capture the Flag replaced by new game: Aruban Hide and Seek
- Scout-organized drag show
- “Seriously. Who the fuck invited Janice Dickinson?”
- The tie-dye merit badge group starts creating and selling “Free Katie” shirts
0 Responses to “More things that could go wrong at the Boy Scout Jamboree”