The PEN15 Club

That Katrina is such a bitch. I don’t mean to make light of a terrible tragedy (c’mon. We’re not monsters!) but I just read about Katrina’s most fabulous casualty: The Southern Decadence 5-day circuit party. That’s right. A gaaaay circuit party. A statement on the website alerts visitors that the annual five nights of debauchery has been canceled.

What? Because of a little devastation? What of the poor homos without electricity that won’t get your message on the inter-web? You know they’re still planning on showing up. Because, oh honey, it’s going to take more than mass casualties and apocalypse-like flooding to stop the homos of the South from blowing through their entire stash of Tina in five short days. It sounds to me that the party doesn’t need a new date, it just needs a new theme. Most of my suggestions for a new theme would be disrespectful and tasteless, so I won’t share them (except for Bring Your Own Dish Soap and making an instant foam party.)

I will, however, suggest a few activities in which the repressed queers on the bottom (of the country) can partake if, indeed, the Decadence party doesn’t materialize:

1. Loot. I hear Sephora has remained untouched.
2. Play drinking games to weather reports. Every time a weatherman says “Katrina” and “swelling” in the same sentence, take a shot. Of Southern Comfort.
3. Rehearse for every wet boxer-briefs contest for the rest of your life.
4. Don a tool belt. Fix something somewhere. Then update your gay.com profile to state that you are now “masc.”
5. Rescue a pomeranian. Name her “Ms. Lucky.” Give her all the bottled water you had hoarded for yourself while desperately trying to find her a dogger daycare.
6. They say “Super Dome.” I say “Super Rave.”
7. Take advantage of the abundance of opportunities to take your shirt off. This is the one time people won’t suspect pretense.
8. Take advantage of the abundance of opportunities to wear latex.
9. Post obnoxiously on Craigslist’s missed-connections. Write exceedingly vague descriptions of people you supposedly saw: “You were the wet one with the broken house, wading through the floating debris on Canal Street.” Then, insist that people “float on over” to your roof.
10. Two words: Showgirls marathon

Please. Don’t take offense. This post is all in good fun, and I’m well aware that this isn’t the time to be having “good fun.” I just couldn’t resist an opportunity to rag on the gays. Believe me. As the oldest child of twelve from a lower-class family in Canada, I know what tragedy and poverty is like. Oh shit. You’ll have to excuse me. Sometimes when I have allergies, I confuse myself with Celine Dion. Because my voice is a little hoarse, I think of “horse” and then I think of Celine. Funny, that.

Update: I’d like to issue a clarification. As it turns out, Southern Decadence caused hurricane Katrina. I guess that explains all of the world’s tragedies. Because at any given time, there’s a room full of homosexuals wearing ass-less chaps somewhere. Of course, it couldn’t have been all of the tit-showing-for-beads that happens, and public debauchery. This was unquestionably a heavenly hate crime.

Hurricane Katrina Destorys New Orleans Days Before “Southern Decadence” [Repent America]