Archive for August, 2005

Corporate Vanity Takes Innocent Town

Published by Jordan on August 24, 2005 in News. 1 Comment

Dishsign “We built Dish City on rock and roll.”

DISHnetworks, the company whose commercials annoy the piss out of you, is giving free satellite television for 10 years to every resident of the first town that’s willing to change its name to Dish. So far, no towns have come forward to claim the prize, but my guess is that it won’t be long. After all, what do Deep Gap, TN, Onacock, VA, Butztown, PA, and Maggie’s Nipples, WY have to lose? (We’ve driven through Maggie’s Nipples, but it was a dare and she was unconscious.)

The funny thing is that Rob and I have always sort of considered The PEN15 Club to be dish city, on account of our sassy and completely fabricated rumor mongering - thus making us the Mayors of Dish. In fact, our average day consists of hours upon hours of sipping G&Ts out of glasses the size of satellite dishes, and murmuring, “Dish is ridiculoush” over and over.

Oh my god. When will August be over?

Name your town Dish, get free satellite TV [The Indy Channel]

The explicitly gay duo

Published by Rob on August 23, 2005 in Famous PEN15s. 0 Comments

Artwork Images 423822183 157287T Proving that basement-dwelling comic book dorks still can’t handle their latent homosexuality, DC Comics has threatened legal action against Manhattan’s Kathleen Cullen Fine Arts Gallery for exhibiting paintings of S&M crimefighters Batman and Robin in homoerotic situations. The comic book giant, which has provided illustrations of leather-clad whacking material to generations of pimply virgins, is keeping mum on exactly why it wants to suppress artist Mark Chamberlain’s depiction of what we’ve all known for years.

In fact, not only has it always been clear that Batman and Robin rode more than just the Batmobile together, it’s the kind of pathetically obvious pop culture cliche that gets used as a joke on Will & Grace. If anything, Chamberlain’s work should be nixed for its lack of creativity.

Oh fuck, I spoke too soon. (Not safe for work. Especially for you, Anderson Cooper.)

The rest of Chamberlain’s sexy slides are here.

Gallery told to drop ‘gay’ Batman [BBC]

Mark Chamberlain [Artnet]

“Reckless,” the eighth dwarf: Scarlett Johansson ruins family’s vacation

Published by Rob on August 23, 2005 in Bitches and Celebs. 6 Comments

Images-1In a desperate attempt to flee the paparazzi, Scarlett Johansson became the latest tabloid favorite to endanger the lives of innocent motorists everywhere when she ducked into the Disneyland parking lot and promptly hit a car containing a woman and her two young daughters. Making matters even funnier, the family was driving a Daihatsu, the ridiculous Japanese compact.

Dammit, Scarlett. First, producer Laurie Macdonald blames The Island’s terrible box office on your lack of appeal to teen girls. Now you pull a Halle Berry while escaping Princess Di-dom in the parking lot at Disneyland. Somewhere, Lindsay Lohan is saying, “Bitch, pull it together.”

Actress fleeing paparazzi hits car [LA Times]

Johansson hits back at ‘Island’ producers [Rottentomatoes]

Less is Sizemore

Published by Rob on August 22, 2005 in Famous PEN15s. 1 Comment

236729Tomsizemore LgProving that one can never be too proud to find creative ways to pay one’s lawyers (even if one once had third billing in Saving Private Ryan), actor/Whizzinator user Tom Sizemore has sold his semi-famed sex tape to this extremely not-safe-for-work site. The tape’s unveiling squelches the rumor that noted sleaze-magnet Elizabeth Hurley was “Sizeless’s” horizontal co-star.

Liz must be relieved, but it does seem strange: after Hugh Grant has been caught cheating on you with a Sunset Boulevard ho, and Steve Bing has denied knocking you up despite some pretty conclusive paternity tests, what’s left but to appear in Tom Sizemore’s homemade porn? At the very least, it would be a career move only slightly less objectionable than Serving Sara.

As for Sizemore, his best hope is that he’s one day insurable enough to be cast as himself in that upcoming Heidi Fleiss biopic Nicole Kidman and Hilary Swank are said to be fighting over.

Tom Sizemore sex tape: It’s here, it’s not Liz Hurley [avnonline.com]

Marcia Cross gets engaged to a man, places down payment on a new, darker closet

Published by Jordan on August 21, 2005 in Bitches and Celebs. 0 Comments

MarciacrossboyfriendI was going to type out an entire history of how all of Hollywood knows that overly-Botoxed Desperate Housewives and Melrose Place star Marcia Cross is actually a big ol’ les, but I’ll instead cut and paste a short summary from DataLounge:

During her Melrose Place heyday she was outed in several glaringly obvious blind items, including one from a 1996 issue of Playboy. In the years her career was lagging people posted firsthand accounts on Data Lounge of her lesbolocity. It was such an open secret in Hollywood that news outlets thought the talk of her coming out in The Advocate was credible enough they didn’t bother to check in with her reps about it - and before her camp issued a denial and she made her uncomfortable appearance on The View, scads of hosts and guests on Sirius OutQ programming felt free to talk about how they’d known for years. When she retreated to the closet some of them, like Michaelangelo Signorile and Frank De Caro’s lesbian cohost, Doria Biddle, registered their annoyance with her denials. To this day Frank and Doria frequently rag on her about it. Then there was the ensuing strangeness about her new heterosexual dating life - ABC had been ready to pimp a story about her “dating” Mark Harelik, an actor who appeared briefly in a couple of episodes of “Desperate Housewives” to the rags and when the gay story hit she was came up with a brand new gay-faced boyfriend and fake timeline of their relationship. Michael Musto, who’d hinted about her sexuality in the past, found the whole thing distasteful and went ahead and outed her in his column after she appeared on “The View.” All caught up now?

And now it appears our Marcia is marrying this gay-faced boyfriend (whom she has been dating for a few months - in true lesbian fashion), a stockbroker named Tom. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia. Just when we were beginning to believe you were actually straight, you go out and pull a stunt like this. What’s next? Scientology?

I would also like to posit that having sex with Marcia Cross sounds a lot like twisting balloon animals, what with all the plastic and rubber squeaking noises.

One more piece of information. This photograph was apparently taken the night Marcia and Tom met. But isn’t a little tacky for Marcia to flirt with her soon-to-be merkin with her girlfriend standing behind her right shoulder? [See photo.]

Stay tuned for more coverage on Crossovergate.

The PEN15 is FAMOU5

Published by Jordan on August 19, 2005 in Club News. 0 Comments

Every day, the PEN15 grows more and more. In fact, after only a month and two days of business, the PEN15 is getting over 100 unique visitors a day! Every once in a while, I like to check the web stats to see how people are finding us: who’s linking to us, what people Google search for to get us (you’re sick bastards by the way), and who’s talking about us online.

I knew we’d hit it big when I ran across the following post on the website Hockey-Fights.com:

under the search, “Jake Gyllenhaal sucks” this site comes up. This looks like a queer board but it links back to the defamer website. This would not surprise me one bit! He has that look of a cocksucker plus he’s starring in that gay cowboy movie with Heath Ledger (and when I say gay cowboy movie, I mean it literally. Its a movie about two cowboys who end up having a sexual relation with one another).
http://www.pen15club.net/archive/2005/07/defamer_notices.html

I’d like to point out a couple things. First, this isn’t a “queer board,” thank you very much. We simply have an obsession with all things phallic and like to talk about analingus whenever possible. In fact, I’m willing to guess that the majority of our readers enjoy both of those things, but identify as straight. Except for you, Hugh Jackman; we’re on to you. Secondly, how dare you criticize a “queer board” when indeed the thread in which your message appears is called “Actors you hate….” Now call me crazy, but isn’t there something even a little hypocritical about posting a thread criticizing actors’ looks and abilities on a website created to discuss hockey fights? I won’t even touch the homoeroticism enjoyed by every guy to ever get in a hockey fight. Ever.

Finally, thank you for clarifying what you meant by saying “gay cowboy movie” with a qualifying “literally.” For a moment, I was confused and thought Brokeback Mountain was about the guy with the big hat in the Village People. Or something involving Janice Dickinson, some maple syrup and a lasso.

Oh, and P.S. I don’t know how many people read your site every day, but at least 260 of them clicked on your little link to a “queer board”. Hmmmmmm. I suspect placing a Locker Room Cam and some ads on your site would deliver like Dominos. I’m just sayin’.

hockey-fights.com: actors you hate….. [Hockey-Fights.com]

Weekend Movie Preview: They should call it “Stuporcross.” Hahahahaha (snort) ha.

Published by Rob on August 18, 2005 in Films. 0 Comments

10005266I don’t really have anything negative to say about Red Eye or The 40-Year-Old Virgin, two incredibly well-reviewed genre movies with talented casts and directors. August sleeper material, basically. And Disney was very nice to have picked up Valiant, that animated British movie with birds that talk in the voices of Ewan McGregor, Ricky Gervais and lots of other English types.

But check out the reviews for Supercross: The Movie! Clear Channel financed this sad-ass, 80-minute infomercial about, uh, Supercross, which is some kind of X-treme sport that dudes with blonde highlights and lots of hair product do, especially if they’re starring in Mountain Dew commercials. The cast includes some WB second- and third-stringers, such as Steve Howey of Reba and the deliciously named Sophia Bush of One Tree Hill. Oh, and Aaron Carter. Word is Daryl Hannah was in this movie at some point, but apparently she ended up on the cutting room floor. Sad times, Splash.

But seriously, 3% fresh! I’ve seen better film on teeth! Don’t worry guys, at least Nell Minow, the “Movie Mom” at Yahoo! Movies, praised you for “not trying to be more complicated than [you] need to be.”

Supercross: The Movie [Rottentomatoes]

Supercross - Movie Mom’s Review [Yahoo! Movies]

Jude Law’s uncut man-meat - both inches

Published by Rob on August 17, 2005 in Famous PEN15s. 3 Comments

Click photo to see, uh, un-cut version. Warning: Despite it being hard to see, it’s still not safe for work:

Law1

In case you didn’t see The Talented Mr. Ripley or Wilde or “Indiscretions” on Broadway, Fleshbot has published this paparazzi shot of our favorite Oscar-nominated adulterer changing into a swimsuit on the balcony at his Mom’s house.

PEN15 Club isn’t in the business of publishing nude paparazzi shots of celebrities - we have a lot more class than that, thank you - but Page Six’s take on this one, complete with the George Costanza shrinkage analogy, is priceless indeed:

August 17, 2005 — HEY, Jude - keep it in your pants!

That was the surprise reaction of unimpressed female media types who got a sneak peek at full-frontal nude shots of Jude Law that are being shopped to the tabloids.

In snapshots that recall George Costanza’s infamous “shrinkage” episode on “Seinfeld,” the love-rat actor’s meager manhood is on full display as he changes into a swimsuit outside his mother Maggie Law’s house in Vaudelnay, France.

“He’s no Tommy Lee, that’s for sure,” sighed one unimpressed publicist who viewed copies of the paparazzi pix obtained by PAGE SIX.

Late yesterday afternoon, e-mail images of the photos were being forwarded around the offices of Women’s Wear Daily under the headline “Jude in the Nude in France,” and accompanied by a not-so-subtle dig at Law’s loins: “Ha!”

Give him a break, guys, he’s British! And don’t act all surprised - you freeze-framed that bathtub scene from The Talented Mr. Ripley as many times as we did.

Jude, Nude [Fleshbot]

Nude Jude’s Not a Huge Issue [Page Six]

Style Report: Androgyny in Overalls

Published by Jordan on August 17, 2005 in Camel Toes, Celebs and Style. 0 Comments

FergierenameIs it bad that I know that this is a photograph of Fergie, but it took a solid 10 minutes before my brain could accept that it wasn’t a) Queen Latifah, b) RuPaul with love handles, c) a mystically tanned Kirstie Ally off the fettuccccciiiiine , d) a mannequin at the West Hollywood Sephora Christmas party, e) the next Spiderman villain, or f) the leading actoron in the next Pedro Almadovar film.

In the end, it was the crotch that gave it away, as Fergie is easily the only person who could still pull off a camel toe in overalls. I’m just not used to seeing it not soaked in urine. But the shoes are great! And I know this because Fergie has so graciously given me all-access to her right foot.

Madonna goes down while searching for that certain horselike quality

Published by Rob on August 16, 2005 in Bitches. 0 Comments

112422876000 2Back in the old days, if one were to read the headline “Madonna suffers broken bones in horse accident,” one would expect the words “12-inch cock” to follow shortly thereafter, and for the whole incident to be recorded in some sort of Mylar-wrapped coffee table book, next to a photo of Madge drinking Tony Ward’s piss. But no, now Old British Madonna was actually just riding a horse and fell off, breaking her brittle, 47-year-old collarbone, hand and three ribs in the process.

Yawn. Honey, call us when you break a hip while mastering the dismount off a 3-foot butt plug. You know, like in the good old days.

Hopefully the old girl will be up and around in time to promote her November release, the embarrassingly titled Confessions of a Dance Floor. Once again, dearie, we’re only interested in what the dance floor has to say directly after you’ve been lowered onto it, on all fours, from a diamond-studded harness, with no underwear.

Madonna’s Bad B-Day Break [Yahoo!]