Archive for September, 2005

Sister Christensen

Published by Rob on September 30, 2005 in Celebs and Famous PEN15s. 5 Comments

Splashnews Bcdb290905M 01-2Wow, Hayden, take it easy. Your publicist only rented that girl for the afternoon, and if she shows up for her date with Clay Aiken covered in bruises, it’s your bony ass.

The stunning lack of sexual chemistry in this photo - doesn’t it look like she’s about to unhinge her jaw and swallow him whole, and not in the good way? - throws into sharp relief Hayden’s chief contribution to cinema: making other sissy-type actors seem macho in comparison.

Think about it. In Life as a House, Hayden’s mincing made you almost buy ultra-nancy Ian Somerhalder as a tough-guy pimp screwing Mary Steenburgen on the side. In Shattered Glass, his fine-boned pouting made Peter Sarsgaard - whom we honestly believe is straight, but who is nonetheless extremely believable and smoking hot in his frequent gay roles - seem more like a hard-boiled editor type. (Face it, Rosario Dawson was the most masculine actor in that movie.)

The point is that Christensen, like Kevin Spacey before him, exists so far outside the realm of convincing heterosexuality that he needs to just stop trying. I’m not saying he should come out of the closet, necessarily - everyone understands that would be a devastating move for an actor who’s already on thin ice after so spectacularly dropping the ball as Anakin Skywalker.

But the least he could do is spare us insulting publicity stunts like this one. Although we do hear Renee Zellweger is single…

Hayden Christensen likes to be on the bottom [Perez Hilton]

It’s a Star kinda week

Published by Jordan on September 30, 2005 in Bitches, Gunts and Star Jones Reynolds. 0 Comments

Starjones-InsideIt’s only a coincidence that Star Jones Reynolds is the only person to have her own category on the PEN15 Club. We’re really not that obsessed with her. But our favorite formerly-obese, hate-filled, carbfaced bitch just won’t cool it long enough for us to gather our composure.

Radar is reporting that Star and Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth, the evil bitchtress from “The Apprentice,” butted heads at a Katrina charity event. The great part is that the way the scene was described could be straight out of, well, my wildest fantasies. It even involves our other favorite psychowhore, Janice Dickinson, an appearance by a member of New Edition, and Omarosa using the word “crackhead.” Folks, I was drawing this scene in crayon when I was five years old - that’s how much it means to me.

The best part is that it was revealed that SJR was at the event to donate 100 pairs of shoes and her Emmy dress for those displaced by the hurricane. Here is when I’d make a joke about the refugees not needing extra-wide stilettos and a spare tent, but Radar already beat me to it. So instead I’ll go down another route: Star, had those refugees had your shoes and your enormous dress before the hurricane, the amount of sailboats that could have been constructed would have saved thousands.

Meh. I tried.

Star Jones: View to a Kill [Radar]

There is a God: E! wakes from coma, fires Star Jones Reynolds

Published by Jordan on September 29, 2005 in Bitches, Gunts, News and Star Jones Reynolds. 8 Comments

Pg609292005I have to admit, I was hesitant about posting this photograph of SJR because I really, really want her to look as awful as possible, whenever possible. So, in the interest of full disclosure, here she is. No longer an obese pigcow who carries on as if she’s not the fattest thing ever filmed in the wild. No, now the new slimmed-down Star looks, well, like an open wound pathetically bandaged by a drunken elementary school nurse. She looks like Turner and Hooch at the same time.

Oh, but there’s good news too. Finally, E! has come to terms with the fact that even though she’s cheap, she’s not worth the added cost of restocking the catering truck every 45 minutes. They’ve fired her for being an unfunny, condescending, self-promoting guntwhore on the red carpet. So, in the end, Kathy Griffin did get the last laugh. In fact, she got the only laugh.

Can I just talk about one more thing? Since she got her contract canceled, SJR has been claiming that it was she who decided to walk out on the job. Her reason? She needed to focus on promoting her book, Shine: A Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual Journey to Finding Love.

REALLY? Star Jones Reynolds marries a known homosexual and then writes a book that claims she can teach me to do the same? Oh honey. The book on finding yourself a fag was written a long time ago. And it’s called My 8th Grade Diary. Plus, didn’t Star learn anything from Terry McMillan, who married a queer and wrote a book about it? Honey, getting a fag to marry you because he couldn’t turn down the camp value of the situation is NOT the same as getting your groove back.

Bosses Showed Star the E!xit [Page Six]

Terry McMillan and Gay Husband [Dating Etiquette]

She’s gonna be yuuuuuuuuge!

Published by Rob on September 27, 2005 in Celebs. 4 Comments

Images-2-1So Donald Trump, 59, has gone and knocked up his child bride, classy dame Melania Knauss. This leads us to two questions:

1. How will former teen model Ivanka handle the role of big half-sister?

2. Is the combover genetic, and if so, will it irreparably damage the lining of Melania’s uterus?

Melania, who is a mere eight years older than Donald’s eldest child, can hopefully look to this occasion as a sign that she’ll never have to have sex with her husband again.

Sources say that next year, Martha Stewart will also sire a child with Melania, but on Wednesday night.

Donald Trump set to become father again [Yahoo!]

Shit we want for our two-month anniversary

Published by Jordan on September 27, 2005 in Club News. 4 Comments

Friday will be the PEN15 Club’s two-month anniversary, nearing 100 posts. Can you believe that’s all the longer we’ve been writing this shit? Amazingly, we’re already sporting nearly 300 visitors a day. We don’t know if that’s good or bad for a blog that’s two months young, but it sure scares the shit out of us knowing that a whole bunch of people are reading our personal and very private journal.

So, dear readers, being the needy, high maintenance bitches that we are, we thought we’d ask for a few easy things to help the next two months be every bit as successful as the first:

  1. More readers. Call us greedy, but it gets us all wet at the thought of having a readership the size of O magazine. How can you help? If you like a post, email it to your friends. All of them. And include the word “brilliant.” Bookmark us. Check back every day for the latest.
  2. A Blogads invite. You’ll only understand this if you’re a fellow blogger, but that fucking club is harder to get into than Katie Holmes’s diary. But we wouldn’t mind makin’ a little cashmoney off this beast, even if it meant inconveniencing you with a couple blogads.
  3. Gin. Seriously. If you want us to be funny, we need a little inspiration from our muse. Her name is Sapphire. Inquire here for shipping instructions.
  4. Another writer. Keeping you kids entertained is hard work. Considering we’ve got day jobs and all, the only time we have to blog is between tricks in the evening/early morning. And while we can’t retire off the site quite yet, we’d love to take on another writer. If you’re a regular reader, you pretty much get what we’re looking for. We can’t pay you except in underhanded compliments and the gin that gets sent to us, but we promise you’ll have a good time. Email an inquiry or a couple writing samples to us.
  5. Links. Have a blog or a site that you think meshes with ours? Throw up a link and we’ll do the same. Just let us know.
  6. Skrilla. Can’t offer help in any other way but still want to see us prosper? You can donate some cold, hard cash. This Interweb stuff ain’t free, and our entry level salaries make it real hard to keep the domain afloat. For the right price, we’d send you pictures of all the places on our bodies where we can write “PEN15.” Some of them are even serendipitous.
  7. Ideas, tips, and general dialogue. We love hearing from you. I’m hard just thinking about it. So if you’ve got a shout out, a tip, or a general idea for the Club, we’re all ears. Our emails appear at the top left of each screen.
  8. COMMENTS! Contribute to the dialogue on each post - write your two cents! It’s anonymous. And if we don’t like it, we’ll just delete it.

Thanks for making the last two months great!

A Woman Called Lynndie

Published by Rob on September 26, 2005 in News. 1 Comment

Images-1-2Oscar season is on the horizon, and if there’s one thing the Academy loves, it’s when pretty ladies stretch their thespianic muscles by playing poor white trash. Just ask Charlize Theron, Renee Zellweger and (twice) Hilary Swank, all of whom have scored the gold by playing poverty-stricken, uneducated, hillbilly-accented types.

That’s why every A-through-D lister in Tinseltown is clamoring for the role of America’s foremost trash, newly convicted human rights violator Pfc. Lynndie England.

Beady-eyed, jowly, chain-smoking, knocked-up, and ultimately a scapegoat for men much smarter and more powerful than she, Lynndie represents a perfect opportunity for the right glamour gal to uglify herself and show her range in a timely biopic. The PEN15’s Hollywood tipsters have supplied this list of likely contenders for the role:

Fairuza Balk: Fairuza has made a career of exposing America’s poor, slutty dark side, whether it’s as Edward Norton’s white supremacist fuckbuddy in American History X, a serial killer in the miniseries Murder in the Heartland, or the goth chick you hated in high school in The Craft.

Taryn Manning: In order to fully convey the agony of war, an actress must be able to tap into her own resources of personal trauma. Luckily, Ms. Manning - who has England’s raised-in-a-trailer look of dead-eyed vapidity down cold - recently underwent a harrowing near-death experience.

Samantha Morton: She’s one of the best actresses in the world, and she has the haircut.

Chad Lowe: A chance to beat his wife Hilary at her own game, and he has the haircut.

Hilary Swank: Because no husband of hers is gonna stand in the way of Oscar #3, bitch.

Amy Sedaris: The woman who built a sitcom around a 46-year-old high school freshman/junkie whore could surely win our sympathy as a 22-year-old single mom serving time in a military prison while nursing a crush on her commanding officer.

Scarlett Johansson: Because she’s Hollywood’s It Girl!

Jodie Foster: Nah, too femme.

Private found guilty in Abu Ghraib abuse [NYT]

BREAKING NEWS: Kathy Griffin files for divorce

Published by Jordan on September 26, 2005 in Celebs and News. 1 Comment

Kathygriffin&MatthewmolineAmidst the Demi and Ashton marriage news, a far larger catastrophe occurred today: Kathy Griffin filed for divorce from her lovable tub o’ hubby, Matt.

I’m now finding it exceedingly difficult to make this post funny. Even Katrina wasn’t able to suck the inappropriate remarks out of my cold, black heart -¬†but I now find myself lost for words. I mean, why couldn’t another former president die? Or a high profile religious figure? Or someone infamous for a ridiculous amount of alleged assfucking?

But in a world of increasingly ludicrous Hollywood marriages, this seemed as if it were the one that made the most sense. I mean, we all knew they didn’t have sex. After all, he’s a bit tubby and probably got tired of looking at his own reflection in Kathy’s highly-glossed, taut forehead. And it’s more than likely that, with all of her plastic surgery, she sewed her vagina shut a long time ago. But still. The way she forced the assistant to cut his hair and made him follow her around like an obedient shetland sheepdog shows that they had what marriage is supposed to be - an arrangement by which the more homely one lives in the shadow of the more famous one ad infinum.

Then again, if I had to look at this wedding picture every day, and then help my now-obese husband strap weights onto his ankle so he could qualify for gastric bypass, I too might eye those divorce papers. I wonder what Rene Zellwegger will send this time, now that she and Kathy are sisters of coincidence…

There are them inappropriate words.

Gay penguins split; Equality takes a major blow

Published by Jordan on September 25, 2005 in Bitches and News. 0 Comments

24Penguins184The New York Times is reporting that after a six-year love affair, everyone’s favorite Central Park gay penguins have split, and one, Silo, has already found a new mate - a female SeaWorld transplant named Scrappy. According to the zookeeper, if Scrappy were a human, she’d undoubtedly be homely, Chinese, and a born again Christian. Silo says he and his new wifey “are serious sex addicts,” and “would like to, God willing, raise children some day.”

It’s reported that Silo had begun acting a lot straighter after he graduated from college a took a job in finance.

We here at the PEN15 blame March of the Penguins for this travesty, which was said to have been screened at various outdoor film events yards away from the zoo throughout the summer. Personally, nothing has ever made me want to trade in my felatio skills for a face full of pussy like Morgan Freeman’s voice droning on about the virtues of the nuclear family.

Then again, this could just be Mother Nature’s way of resetting the equilibrium after the Zellwegger/Chesney breakup. You win some; you lose some.

Perhaps the most interesting part of the story is that when the two boys were together, they had tried to incubate a rock in lieu of an egg. When that didn’t work, zookeepers substituted the rock for an egg from another couple, and the two raised the baby daughter, Tango, as their own. But it gets better: Tango has spent the last two years with another female penguin.

Holy Ann Heche this family is dysfunctional! It’s reported that the two female penguins will both be wearing tuxedoes to their wedding.

Zing!

New Love Breaks Up a 6-Year Relationship at the Zoo [NYT]

Updates:
Gawker has provided a handy chart to help you follow the maddness.

Andy at Towleroad has some good insight.

Taryn at 30,000 Feet! And other celebrity discount travel nightmares

Published by Rob on September 25, 2005 in Celebs. 3 Comments

Taryn.Hmedium-1Actress and Hustle & Flow ho Taryn Manning movingly recounts her death-defying (and price-defying) adventure aboard JetBlue flight 292, which almost crashed Wednesday afternoon and then…didn’t.

Manning - whom you may sorta remember from BoomKat, the worst actor-fronted, animal-themed side-project band since Keanu Reeves’ Dogstar - was accompanied by that ultimate Hollywood soulmate, her “best friend and publicist.”

Hopefully, Taryn and publicist/friend will be able to parlay the exposure from this terrifying yet affordable ordeal into some sort of Lifetime project in which TM can play herself. But she’ll have to compete with these upcoming tales of interrupted celebrity discount travel:

  • Sherilyn Fenn in The Dining Car is Now Closed
  • Gary Cole’s Nissan Stalls Out on the 101
  • Kim Fields Delayed on Subway Due to Signal Problems
  • Where Are All the Cabs?! a musical starring Craig Bierko and Neil Patrick Harris
  • Mira Sorvino Thinks They’ve Crowded Too Many People Into the Airport Shuttle
  • Haley Joel Osment’s Bike Gets Stolen
  • Linda Fiorentino Bitch-Slaps Girl at Budget Rent-a-Car Counter

Taryn Manning recalls JetBlue scare [MSNBC]

Hurricane Rita vs. Star Jones Reynolds

Published by Jordan on September 22, 2005 in Gunts, News and Star Jones Reynolds. 2 Comments

RitaSjr Fat

First, my great thanks to Rob for holding down the fort while I was out of town. A damn fine job at keeping the offensiveness flowing.

And now…

Hurricane Rita vs. Star Jones Reynolds

When at the doorstep of tragedy, what could be better than the comparison of two larger-than-life-yet-completely-unrelated forces? A gin enema, yes. But since I broke my rubber tube in a bout of auto-erotic-asphyxiation, we are forced with the former.

She’s big. She’s sure to destroy everything in her path. Her antics leave news reporters wet. And she recently married a homosexual. I could say most of those things for Hurricane Rita, so I decided to find out how much the two bitches really have in common.

Rita: Makes landfall in Texas and causes the evacuation of several cities.

SJR: Makes landfall at the checkin desk and causes the evacuation of an entire Curves.

Rita: Level 4 -> Level 5 -> Level 4 -> Level 5

SJR: Size 22 -> Size 21 -> Size 24 -> Size 18

Rita: Takes up an entire newscast.

SJR: Takes up an entire Cheesecake Factory.

Rita: Is bound to tragically destroy several lives, costing billions of dollars in damage, and changing the nation for months to come.

SJR: Married a fag. And wouldn’t shut the fuck up about it.

Rita: Has an oculus that is dwarfed by her enormous mass.

SJR: Has a vagina in there somewhere. Allegedly.

Rita: Shares a name with my hilarious aunt.

SJR: Would probably not get my aunt’s jokes, and would instead smile at her, squint her bulgy Chihuahua eyes, and change the subject to something generic and un-funny.

Rita: Gets Al Roker all excited.

SJR: Has never once gotten Al Reynolds excited.

Rita: Is the third-largest storm in history.

SJR: Has the third-largest gunt in history.

Rita: Infamous because she controls those around her with the fear of utter destruction.

SJR: Infamous because she controls those around her with the fear of utter destruction.

Rita: Makes Anderson Cooper get all serious and worked up.

SJR: Makes Anderson Cooper want to stand in the middle of a fucking hurricane.

Rita: Will likely cause an increase in gas prices.

SJR: Has enough gas to make Al miserable if he refuses cunnilingus.