You walk into a Banana Republic to pick up a simple button-up shirt. Maybe it’s for yourself because that’s what your job requires you to wear, or maybe you’re a thoughtful girlfriend picking out a gift for you fashion-retarded boyfriend.
Instantly you are assaulted by an onslaught of men asking you if you need help, as if customers regularly walk into a store knowing exactly what they’ll need help finding. Here at their place of employment, they wear striped dress shirts in colors most people reserve for Easter, tucked tightly into strategically warn jeans held up not by a standard leather belt, but by a paisley necktie which could easily have been Carson Kressley’s small intestine. Their hair is unmoving, even with with the unrestrained snaps of their neck from left to right, it stays shellacked in place - looking as if it’s struggling dearly to pull itself out of the very head that bore it.
The men are clearly homosexualites, but something about them screams it without the help of the hair, clothing, the Sibylline ’s,’ or overly-exaggerated hand flourishes. You are left with the impression that even if they were sitting in football uniforms on the back of a pickup truck in a town that ends in -boro, you’d know they’re queers. And while at first you can’t quite put your finger on the rainbow colored flag, it quickly becomes apparent that their homosexualaucity is best expressed in their face. These men suffer from an increasingly common ailment called Gayface.
Let’s explore, shall we?
The Origins of Gayface
Really not sure. But a quick glance through history reveals that Gayface has a long and historical presence in the world. I mean, take a look at Akenaten, a pharaoh from 18th Dynasty Egypt (ca. 1370 B.C.E.). It’s true that he was the father of King Tutankhamen (Tut), but who wasn’t trying to pass on his bloodline in ancient Egypt? As my colleague Rob pointed out, Akenaten not only sports Gayface, but is a prime example of CSL, or to us in the business, Cock Sucking Lips. Also, you may note that even though this statue is nearly 4000 years old, it could just as easily be a cast photo from some community theater’s production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, right? I mean how far have we really come?
Gayface makes appearances in all ancient civilizations, including Rome. Emperor Hadrian (pictured) was so in love with his young boytoy, Antinous, that he had him made into a god after he drowned in the Nile river, and forced people to worship the young boy. Judging by the unkempt beard, Hadrian may be history’s first Husbear or power top.
Now I know he knocked up that slave woman and everything, but I’m willing to guess that Benjamin Franklin did it out of denial and desperation, as a quick glance at his face suggests that he was tinkering with more than electricity. I have no proof other than his pursed lips and faggy petticoat in this one portrait. I just call it as I see it. You know you’ve seen this guy. He’s single, has a dog, and works at the library. On the weekend, he wears sunglasses and they are too big on his giant head, and his polo shirt he’s owned since 1988 stretches awkwardly over his belly, barely meeting the top of his Tommy Bahamas.
[Note: One reader did point out my horrendous grasp on US history (oddly, I get the ancient stuff right; there asn’t enough assfucking in US history to keep me interested), and that it was, indeed, Jefferson who poked the slave - not Franklin. But who can tell those dandy homos apart anyway?]
What Defines Gayface?
The answer to that question is hard to describe. You see, for me, Gayface is more of a gut instinct. Rather than one thing calling it out, it is more of a combination of things. As far as I can tell though, Gayface is a voluntary condition - whether those who have it are conscious of this voluntary condition or not is another story. I believe it has something to do with the inability of gay men to relax their fucking facial muscles, likely a result of extreme self-consciousness. The result is perpetually expressive eyebrows, two rows of teeth showing most of the time, wide eyes, severe head angling, and a forced, awkward smile.
So I did a little experiment to see if I, as a known homosexual, could enact Gayface on cue. First, I must admit that there is something magical about a camera that seems to bring out Gayface where a mirror hides it. Sadly, it was more difficult for me to produce the pre-Gayface face than the forced-Gayface face. But as you can see, I could easily be two different people. I wouldn’t be surprised if you, dear reader, could intuit that I was indeed wearing a tutu in the second photograph, where in the first one, I was actually wearing soccer cleats. (See all my photo attempts here and draw your own conclusions.)
There are also rare cases of Gayface that seem to stem from the actual bone structure of the face itself - you know what I’m talking about, that physical build that could ONLY appear on a gay man. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, click here.
Final Thoughts
Don’t get me wrong. There are plenty of guys with Gayface that are pretty good looking. Perhaps as a result of their sexuality, gay men grow attracted to those that sport the look. In fact, while I know that all of the young men in the picture at the beginning of this article are, in fact, gay (that’s what a search for gay boys on myspace.com will teach ‘ya), there are many of them that I wouldn’t kick out of bed for eating crackers, if you know what I mean.
With that said, one final thought: With time and practice, you can fine-tune your Gayface Detector, and what McGuyver was to sticky situations, Rob and I are to detecting Gayface. So if you have a cousin, uncle, or best friend that does theater and wears Hawaiian shirts that you are just a bit unsure about, please forward the picture to me or Rob and we’ll be happy to give you a point-to-point dissection.
Stay tuned for Part II for The Anatomy of Gayface where we explore the different KINDS of Gayface.
a true masterpiece!!
An illuminating discussion of a rarely tackled subject. Looks like it’s all in the tilted head and measured smile. Jordan, I most def prefer your pre-gayface.
[Slightly edited by Jordan because his mom reads this.]
“best friend that does theater and wears Hawaiian shirts”. I swear that reminds me of someone I went to high school with. ROFL!!!!
I knew about “gayvoice” but I guess I never thought about “gayface”.
Your Nobel Prize is in the mail!
Honey, it was Jefferson who “knocked up that slave woman.”
I’ve always thought it was an eyebrow thing.
A brilliant article. Impeccable scientific method. Jordan, however, still looks better WITH gayface.
the without-a-warning link to Carson was a little cruel to the new reader of this blog, don’t you think? Warnings appreciated in the future — otherwise a brillant article, love your site!
Hey, I know the guy in the very bottom right corner. Cool.
Also, Jordan’s a hottie. It had to be said.
Dude – stick with the gayface. The first may be less stereotypical but it certainly does not say soccer cleat wearer. What’s a ‘cleat’ anyway? I don’t think we say that in England, but it suggests sports and face#1 is not a jock face. It’s girly. (You have girly lashes.) And the expression is somewhere inbetween Billy Corgin (capitalizing on the misunderstood young man thing) and Miss Piggy. I once knew several art students with this sort of face. They needed euthanizing, they were so ineffectual. So, let’s keep the gayface, but stick with clothing in muted colors, alright?
LOVE the blog.
I always thought gayface was caused by saying the word “faaaaaabulous” at some point in your life. Even if you’ve only ever said it once, that’s enough. It triggers an irreversible change in your facial muscles and you get gayface forever.
I think I may have the gayface.
It’s the triangular shaped face I think. I don’t know. You are right though, it’s also a gut instinct. So weird.
this article wasn’t just offensive–it was stupid.
Those boys definitely have pretty eyebrows. Definitely more groomed than mine.
So funny. I remember in 1984, my dad watching George Michael on TV and saying “He has Cock Suckers Mouth”. Need I say more…
Part II needed now!
Robbie from Malcontent just steered me over here, and he’s right, I think this is the definitive article on this rarely discussed but all-too-familiar phenomena. It does offer a nice way to soothe someone after a breakup. I’ve actually said to a friend…
“Well, he was a really nice guy…but he did have gay face…”
Ahhhh so funny!!!!!!!
Takes one etc etc etc Franklin: you are dead wrong. Read up on that guy’s sexual activities.
Luv’d it!!! Now, on to that, ‘Just been fucked up the ass!’ stroll!!!
Yes, btw, Ben Franklin was a notorious womanizer, having a child or two on the side…but oddly enough I never realized before but I have a sistah friend with his same expression…..
btw, quite a looker you are! ;-p
In London I’ve noticed a trend towards the gay-big-scarf-with-tight-t-sirt. You know, where the neck is atentuated by the addition of a fluffy scarf that has been doubled and pulled through in a reef knot. Scarves are usually supplied by the likes of Zara, H&M, or, in exceptionately posh cases, Dior Homme.
Call me crazy, masterful sages of sodomy, but some of those people I wouldn’t have guessed!
Gay face turns me off, I am sorry to say. Therefore, I am rather picky. I am very surprised to have been outdone by identifying gayface. Well done.
On a side note, overlooking the fact I am a teenager with raging hormones, you are a very attractive man. Hmmm, on second thought, that might not have been overlooking my hormones…
YOU ARE MOTHERFUCKING BRILLIANT
He’s also hawt.
I live at 31407 Commonwealth in Seattle. Been up here before?
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I think ‘gayface’ is a overly feminised facial structure. Most gaymen have a feminine face and their feminine facial expressions do emphasize the already feminine facial structure.
To top that off, some pluck and tweeze their brows for that obvious gayface effect.
Great article btw
hilariously spot on mate! iv no gayface, more an open educated arsehole face. but your face is fantastic. kudos hot boy
This was the best source I could find on “gay face.”
Fantastic article! You have corroborated my theory - that my gaydar came from “something in the face.” People thought I was crazy. Thanks for the vindication.