Archive for October, 2005

2005’s Best Halloween Costumes

Published by Jordan on October 31, 2005 in Club News. 3 Comments

PenispumpkinThe PEN15 Club hope you all had a happy Halloween. And now that all of the candy has been counted and the razor blades have been fished out from the apples, we’d like to take a moment to reflect upon some of this season’s best Halloween costumes.

1. Pre-withdrawal Harriet Myers: A clever politico may have accomplished this look by strapping a dead squirrel to her head, running her face through a dishwasher load of pots and pans, and calling Tammy Faye Baker for eye makeup advice. Then, she’d finish it off by inserting her nose into the ass of a willing accomplice, just to get the right amount of brown on the tip.

2. Post-withdrawal Harriet Myers: Same as above, but assume the swagger of someone who’s been fucked up the ass for the last four weeks.

3. Fergie: These committed costumers had to eat nothing but bologna for three months, then stack on the ‘roids to get the proper musculature and crazy-in-the-head look. Following that, they had to assault an American Gladiator and come away with her outfit, and con a drunk whore into giving them makeovers while blindfolded. To top it off, they had to piss their pants and make themselves smell of vagina.

4. John Roberts: The best way to be Roberts was to buy an outfit from Talbots, and then master the delighted facial expressions of someone who’s been fucked up the ass for the last 36 years.

5. Kevin Federline: This look was accomplished by calling Vincent Gallo and asking him what he’d wear to his mom’s funeral, and then adding socks with sandals, a Starbucks cup, and a wife beater that says, “She (arrow pointing) just gave birth and I ate the whole placenta.”

6. Very famous bloggers Rob and Jordan: 1 part gayface + 2 parts scent of gin hastily covered with bad cologne + 1.5 parts fatigue of one who spends too much time masturbating + 6 parts clothing from TJ Maxx, the outlet – 4 parts dignity.

Update: Check out the comments for some good reader submissions.

Madonna bats for crazy

Published by Jordan on October 31, 2005 in Bitches and Celebs. 3 Comments

Confessions-Cover-120Contact Music, a media source that I’m not convinced reports on actual news, is reporting that Madonna is running to defend fellow crazy person, Tom Cruise. Madonna “insists Cruise is happy as a Scientologist and the public and media should respect his religion.”

Madonna, dear. The public insists it is not Scientologist, and Ms. Cruise should respect our annoyance with his inane preaching.

She continues, “If it makes Tom Cruise happy, I don’t care if he prays to turtles.”

The queen of pop might be on to something: I recall that it is only the obscure cult of tortoise worship that grants homosexual men erections strong enough to impregnate crooked-smiled virgins. Which explains why Kirsten Dunst remains childless – Jake’s frightened of shelled reptiles.

Madonna: ‘Leave Cruise Alone’ [Contact Music]

I’m gonna be a body thetan for Halloween!

Published by Rob on October 31, 2005 in Rants. 2 Comments

Images-12In honor of All Hallow’s Eve, the PEN15 Club presents a bone-chilling saga of aliens from outer space, brainwashing, mind control and repressed homosexuality.

Yes, kids, it’s the Story of Scientology, presented in NSFW cartoon form.

In addition to its clear and incisive summary of the tax shelter/cult’s germination into full-on cultural train wreck, this short film is chock full of practical factoids. Why, for example, does John Travolta so enjoy using his E-meter, the mechanical device that helps rid the body of thetans? “Of course he loves it, it has two giant rods attached to it!”

Sleep tight, kiddies.

Y.A.A.F.M. 11: Scientology [ZipperFish]

Gallo by the Gallon

Published by Jordan on October 31, 2005 in Celebs and Famous PEN15s. 3 Comments

1036 Trouble2 LAn eBay auction (update: dead link. See the archived PDF.) has appeared claiming that you, too, could be the mother of Vicent Gallo’s next child. The disgusting, unbelievably “drug, alcohol, and disease free” star of Brown Bunny is auctioning off his sperm with a starting bid of $1 million.

I think the listing intended to say that all of the drugs, alcohol, and diseases that come with his spooge are free. The listing also fails to mention that the sperm will be scraped from the mucus on Chloe Sevigny’s tonsils. (If you don’t get that reference, and are not at work or in a church, click here.)

Bizarrely, the seller is giving a discount to blonde-haired, blue-eyed Jews in order increase the child’s chances at being a successful actor. He’s ruling out dark-skinned mothers, even though he’s “a fan of … Derek Jeter,” and others on the impressive list of ambiguously homosexual, mixed-race celebrities. And Rosie, your role in Fiddler doesn’t give you a free pass; put away your wallet, sister.

And of course, happy bidding.

Vincent Gallo Sperm [eBay]

Nod: Jossip

Takei it up the ass

Published by Rob on October 29, 2005 in Celebs. 4 Comments

Story.Takei.ApI guess now we know who came up with the nickname “Bones” McCoy.

Actor/gayface pioneer George Takei’s recent acknowledgement that he’s gay is much appreciated by the community, but on some level it’s a bit “too little, too late,” wouldn’t you say? It’s a “courageous” declaration straight out of the Richard Chamberlain School of “Oh he’s still alive…and I guess he’s gay.”

Still, Mr. Sulu’s big admission goes down easier than that of the WNBA’s Sheryl Swoopes, who also came out of the closet this week, but made sure to let everyone know that she doesn’t think she was born that way. Sheryl, it’s nice of you to explode America’s notion that female professional athletes are all just waiting for the right man, but do you have to add fire to the Christian Right’s “it’s a choice, dammit!” jihad while you’re at it?

Passion play [Frontiers Online]

WNBA star Sheryl Swoopes: I’m gay [Fox News]

“Jarhead” gets canned, but Jake goes full frontal

Published by Rob on October 29, 2005 in Famous PEN15s. 0 Comments

D4E3D592B3-3Add Jarhead to the roadside pile of Oscar Contenders That Looked Good on Paper But Aren’t - a path littered by the corpses of Proof, In Her Shoes and Elizabethtown - according to not one but two of our favorite, always-right movie columnists.

In fact, the film apparently offers so little to chew on that the boys at Oscarwatch quickly stooped to talking about - and you can accuse me of burying my lead here - Jake Gyllenhaal’s full frontal nude scene. Well that’s something, then. Even if Jarhead isn’t the trenchant satire of Gulf War absurdity that Three Kings was, at least it’ll treat us to what Kirsten Dunst and God-knows-who in West Hollywood have become so familiar with.

Nothing there [Hollywood Elsewhere]

Jarhead review [The Hot Button]

Forums: Jarhead [Oscarwatch]

Showbiz non-story of the week: “King” long

Published by Rob on October 27, 2005 in Films. 5 Comments

Kingkongtooth-3Surely no one is surprised that the final cut of King Kong, Peter Jackson’s gazillion-dollar Star Jones biopic, is clocking in at three hours. Oh, except The New York Times’ perennially hysterical Sharon Waxman, who reacts as though Jackson has spent $200 million-plus on orphan snuff porn.

Happily, the story has resulted in a mess of equally boneheaded features by the dumber entertainment media outlets, with E! Online helpfully pointing out that Jackson’s version will be very nearly double the length of the original.

Oh well, if it’s that long, then Jackson and the folks at Universal must really think they have something. They’re certainly not relying on Naomi Watts’ box office pull.

A big gorilla weighs in [NY Times]

‘King Kong’ super-sized [E! Online]

Naomi Watts [Box Office Mojo]

Harriet Pulls Out

Published by Jordan on October 27, 2005 in News and Politics. 4 Comments

MierswithdrawlThe world finally learned today why Harriet Miers looks so pale, shaky, and emaciated. Finally, the dark circles around her eyes and frazzled, thinning, unstyled hair were explained.

She’s been suffering from withdrawal syndrome.

Miers withdraws Supreme Court nomination [CNN]

Boys don’t die

Published by Rob on October 26, 2005 in Celebs. 5 Comments

Chloe-1Thanks, Chloe Sevigny, for weighing in on the bird flu pandemic threat that’s keeping us all awake at night. The Oscar-nominated actress, famous for popularizing white-rimmed sunglasses and for blowing Vincent Gallo onscreen, isn’t worried - she thinks the virus is only dangerous to “old people.”

Sorry Sevigny. Turns out teens and young adults are likely to be most vulnerable once the plague hits. But something tells me Chloe will come out okay - after intimate counters with Gallo and severely icky shock auteur Harmony Korine, I’d imagine she’s built up an immunity that’ll make H5N1 look like a common cold.

Sevigny unfazed by bird flu threats [IMDb]

Chloe Sevigny [Go Fug Yourself]

Yes, you should be afraid [The Boston Phoenix]

A BEAutiful Mystery

Published by Jordan on October 26, 2005 in Club News. 4 Comments

Picture 1As I write this, our site traffic has never been higher. We’re talking nearly twice as high as its last highest day, and the day isn’t even over. Why? Because thousands of people are Google searching terms related to Bea Arthur – specifically the insult hurled at her by Jeffrey Ross at Pam Anderson’s roast – and finding this post about the incident near the top of the search results.

Folks, I wrote that months ago. Will someone please tell me why in God’s name there’s a sudden interest in Bea Arthur?!? Seriously, I won’t sleep tonight if I don’t learn why all of these people from different IPs, and using different search terms, are all finding this page.

And because my colleague Rob is kind of afraid, I’ll pass on his words: “All I know is that I’m staying away from Betty White from now on…”

Mystery Solved: Apparently Bill Simmons of ESPN wrote a column yesterday referencing the “unprintable” comment made by Jeffrey Ross about Bea Arthur at Jerry Stiller’s roast last year. Which only means that we had a couple thousand sports fans Googling the remark and finding our little gay place on the web. Do you think any of them stuck around? It’s like throwing a fistful of tacks at a strip of flypaper and seeing which ones stick. Gay, gay flypaper.