The PEN15 Club

It’s nearly too good to be true. Don’t try this out unless you have nothing to do for the next several hours. But on the off-chance that you’re home-bound for an entire weekend, visit www.tonyaharding.com and thank me later.

If it weren’t for the video recorded greeting message from Tonya herself, and the fact that there’s not a single mention of how she hired someone to assault a competitor during the olympics, I would have never believed that this was Tonya’s official website. But the evidence shows that she truly has that little dignity left - and I’m not talking about the denim vest.

You’ll notice that she has two message sections on her site. The first, and one can only assume the more important, section for “fantasy” messages; and a second for “standard” messages. Really, Tonya? You think there are that many people out there who want to tell you about their fantasies about you? But don’t mark my words - at press time, there were 1245 standard messages – and 1488 fantasy messages, which, she makes clear, are “all in fun and not to be taken seriously.”

But how could you not take this seriously:

I wake up‚ realizing I’m on my stomach tightly secured‚ leaving my ass hole exposed. Then the pain registers. My ass feels like someone had shoved an umbrella up it‚ then opened it and then pulled it out opened. And probably repeated the process over and over again judging by the way my ass feels…..

’Oh so you are awake’ says a deep voice from the corner. ’I was still fucking you when I realized you had passed out.’

Sounds pretty fucking serious to me! I’ve seen a lot of freaky shit - but I just can’t seem to wrap my brain around this one. How can a girl who looks like she’s ready to mount a quarter-horse at all times devise a site this brilliant and inspire the look and feel of Avril Lavigne?

I’m tempted to look up Tara Lipinski’s site, but I’m afraid the camel toe overload might traumatize me.