Archive for October, 2005

PEN15 (not-so) Exclusive: Kids smoke marijuana in Southern Cali.

Published by Jordan on October 25, 2005 in Celebs. 8 Comments

StevenWe don’t watch “Laguna Beach” because the last thing we need is more restraining orders against us from underaged reality TV celebrities. But when someone in the office who knows someone, who knows someone, who knows someone that caught young Steven indulging in the geef at some sort of raging party, it’s hard not to post it on your very public blog.

Steven, kudos to you. And yes, we enjoy your pretty ring. If it were on your thumb, I would expect to soon find pictures of you smoking something far more, uh, skin covered than weed.

Update: As two observant commenters noted, this picture is not, indeed, an “exclusive,” and while we didn’t steal it from anyone on the web (it was emailed to us last week with an apparently traceable lineage to the originator), we never took its origination seriously. We just had no idea who the hell Steven from “Laguna Beach” is. We’re not the fuckin’ NY Times, okay? Anyone reading this blog for its journalistic standards has another thing coming…

Fanning the flames of her awkward stage

Published by Rob on October 24, 2005 in Celebs. 4 Comments

Gotdamn-1Defamer continues its exhaustive Dakota Fanning coverage by linking to this Dickensian screenshot of the pint-sized power player encased in an orthodontic torture chamber. I realize Ms. Fanning, at age 11, has enough money and power to buy me, put me to work in her giant mansion, and re-educate my loved ones into forgetting I ever existed, but I still gotta feel for the girl. I weighed about 200 pounds at her age, and had a forehead shiny enough to stop oncoming traffic, but at least I never had that on my face. And no one ever made me appear on Leno.

God damn, Dakota, make like your War of the Worlds daddy and get Invisalign, stat.

Dakota Fanning’s braces [EZ Board]

Celebrity outing of the day

Published by Rob on October 24, 2005 in Celebs and Famous PEN15s. 57 Comments

Wentworth Miller 99Ridiculously dreamy Prison Breaker (and frequent blind item subject) Wentworth Miller gets tagged a pillow-biter by sothin.com. Or if not a pillow-biter, then at least a “hand-holder.” We’ve had a crush on Wentworth ever since he played a young version of Black Anthony Hopkins in the absurd film version of Philip Roth’s The Human Stain.

In fact, as movie editor of his college paper, this PEN15er had the chance to interview Wentworth at a press junket for The Human Stain, but had to miss it due to a midterm. News of WM’s hand-holding tendencies forces me to imagine what might have been: I finish the midterm in record time, hop in a cab and barge into Wentworth’s suite at the Ritz just as the roundtable is ending. Charmed by my flushed exuberance and bright-eyed good looks, Wentworth overrules the objection of his publicist and allots me 10 minutes of one-on-one. I turn on my tape recorder, and get ready to probe…

Anyway, Wentworth Miller. Foxy Fox star. Today’s alleged celebrity homo.

He’s a hand-holder! [Sothin.com]

Hiel Ignorance

Published by Jordan on October 24, 2005 in Bitches, News and Politics. 2 Comments

Dscn0105Oh my god. They’re totally like MK and Ash. Except they’re wearing shirts with little adorable cartoon Hitlers on them! Couldn’t you the bottle ‘em up and sell ‘em at cost?

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Prussian Blue, the next big white supremacist, anti-semite pop sensation to hit the music charts. Straight from Bakersfield, these twin Aryan cuties are hatin’ their way through the cluttered racism/pop-music scene. Good luck, girls; that’s a crowded room. Even ABC News is a bit skeptical.

The girls’ website is real classy, complete with photos of them in lederhosen and links to their homemade music videos that you can buy for only $1.99 and download to your iPod. That’s a bargain at twice the price! You can’t put a value on being able to have your bigotry preachin’ on the go.

I mean, their music isn’t even that good. The lyrics are kind of whiny and contrived, at best. It’s like Leelee Sobieski went all white power and tried to write about it:

He fought so strong for our race. We’re finally back in our place. It took his life, my dear son, and now it’s over the war is won. Our Race was saved because the lives that were sacrificed: those men that died…

It might come as a bit of a shock, but the girls are actually having a difficult time getting their foot in the door, even in the county fair circuit. Recently, they were dropped from the lineup at the Bakersfield County Fair - but no, not because they sing about killing people of different races, but because the fair’s organizer was weary of “security concerns.”

Well, ladies, maybe you’ll have better luck in Belfast. But in the meantime, when we’re looking for “cute,” we’ll stick to sources far more universally acceptable.

May every red blooded American straight boy get off while watching you two do it with each other in the video your sick and twisted parents made you create for more publicity. That’s my wish for you.

tonyaharding.com - It’s going to be a long night.

Published by Jordan on October 22, 2005 in Bitches and Celebs. 6 Comments

Tonya-Harding 004It’s nearly too good to be true. Don’t try this out unless you have nothing to do for the next several hours. But on the off-chance that you’re home-bound for an entire weekend, visit www.tonyaharding.com and thank me later.

If it weren’t for the video recorded greeting message from Tonya herself, and the fact that there’s not a single mention of how she hired someone to assault a competitor during the olympics, I would have never believed that this was Tonya’s official website. But the evidence shows that she truly has that little dignity left - and I’m not talking about the denim vest.

You’ll notice that she has two message sections on her site. The first, and one can only assume the more important, section for “fantasy” messages; and a second for “standard” messages. Really, Tonya? You think there are that many people out there who want to tell you about their fantasies about you? But don’t mark my words - at press time, there were 1245 standard messages – and 1488 fantasy messages, which, she makes clear, are “all in fun and not to be taken seriously.”

But how could you not take this seriously:

I wake up‚ realizing I’m on my stomach tightly secured‚ leaving my ass hole exposed. Then the pain registers. My ass feels like someone had shoved an umbrella up it‚ then opened it and then pulled it out opened. And probably repeated the process over and over again judging by the way my ass feels…..

’Oh so you are awake’ says a deep voice from the corner. ’I was still fucking you when I realized you had passed out.’

Sounds pretty fucking serious to me! I’ve seen a lot of freaky shit - but I just can’t seem to wrap my brain around this one. How can a girl who looks like she’s ready to mount a quarter-horse at all times devise a site this brilliant and inspire the look and feel of Avril Lavigne?

I’m tempted to look up Tara Lipinski’s site, but I’m afraid the camel toe overload might traumatize me.

Color Klum green: The Federletus is afuckingdorable.

Published by Jordan on October 21, 2005 in Celebs and News. 2 Comments

SeanprestonblowupI was hoping the so-fugly-they’re-cute theme would continue with Britney’s baby after we all saw Klum’s puffy little munchkin earlier this week. But I’ve been let down. Britney’s baby is adorable. And I don’t like babies until they develop a sense of shame and a condescending wit.

But this brings up a whole ‘nother issue. What has the world come to that we have to get all excited over super secret spy photos of a celebrity’s baby before she sells them to the highest gossip rag? Why can’t they just give the kid his own sitcom or put it straight into rehab like they did in the olden days?

Brit. I’m gon’ tell you what I tell all the shy boys in the locker room: If you know it looks good, why’re you keeping us from seeing the goods?

In defense of Vaughniston

Published by Rob on October 20, 2005 in Celebs. 2 Comments

Jennifer-Aniston-Vince-Vaughn-Kissing02Now that JustJared has officially outed Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn as a couple - complete with straddle-happy paparazzi photos and the coining of the term “Vaughniston” - it’s time to quell the skeptics who wonder why Jen would want to go from this to this.

Seems like a no-brainer to us. We’ve thought Vince was dreamy ever since Swingers. His bleary jowliness gives him way more bad-boy appeal than Brad, who gives us the impression that he spends all his free time working on his abs and scouting disadvantaged children for Angelina to adopt. For this, and the following reasons, we’re happy for Jennifer, and think she’s totally come out on top (literally and figuratively).

Why Vince is better for Jen than Brad ever was:

1. More cushion for the pushin’.

2. Vince never starred in Meet Joe Black.



3. That “motorboat” thing he demonstrated in Wedding Crashers.



4. Earmuffs.

5. He’s, like, 6′5″ and has enormous hands, which…sorry, what were we talking about?

6. Vince’s appearance in Mr. and Mrs. Smith makes him a de facto eyewitness to the initial Brangelina extramarital sexplosion, making for a weird love quadrangle situation playing out in America’s multiplexes.

7. Vince’s widely noted penchants for booze and barely legal nightclub snatch will likely result in another widely publicized martyring for Jennifer. Stay tuned, Graydon Carter!

Vince Vaughn to Jennifer Aniston: “You look so makey outey tonight” [JustJared]

Portia ‘n Ellen’s Sapphic Sanctuary

Published by Rob on October 20, 2005 in Celebs. 7 Comments

Ellen-Portia2Add141005A 06.Bro-TmOur pals at A Socialite’s Life have posted photos of lesbian lovebirds Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi’s ultra-palatial new digs. From the looks of it, the marble-columned manse has plenty of room for Portia’s ponies and Ellen’s, uh, sneaker collection.

It just goes to show you: famous people are different. Normal lesbians might date for four months, exchange rings, and then put a down payment on a two-bedroom split-level within walking distance of a fair-trade coffee house and a Home Depot. Rich, famous lesbians stake their claim on an estate the size of five Bluth Company model homes.

Not for nothing, but this is the third house Ellen has purchased for - oh, sorry, I meant with - a g.f. since 1997. Something tells me the mortgage payments will come through just fine even if Arrested Development gets cancelled.

Ellen DeGeneres plays house [A Socialite’s Life]

P15 Exclusive: Harriet Miers’s real answers

Published by Jordan on October 20, 2005 in Bitches, News and Politics. 2 Comments

Miers-1The NY Times has reported that Harriet Miers has been asked by members of the Senate Judiciary Committee to resubmit some of her judicial questionnaire, claiming that many of her answers were “’inadequate,’ ‘insufficient,’ and ‘insulting,’” apparently not realizing that out of all the words that begin with “in-,” they selected two that virtually mean the same thing.

The PEN15 Club, however, wonders just how insulting her original answers were, so we’ve gotten its dirty, dirty hands on some of Harriet Miers’s original judicial questionnaire, and would like to share her answers with you.

Q: While pouring through the mountains for (irrelevant) information on you, what will The Committee learn about your judicial beliefs?

A: They will learn that I actually look like a lap dog. I don’t know what the hell a lap dog is, but I imagine it would have hair like mine; know very little about being a judge, like me; and try to make sweet love to its Master’s leg whenever possible, like I do.

Q: Would you describe your political beliefs and conservative, liberal, or somewhere in between?

A: If I, myself, didn’t look like roadkill, I’d make a juvenile joke here about how your mother is ugly, and how I fucked your dad. But to answer your question, I’d say both conservative - as in what I’m willing to spend on my wardrobe, and liberal - as in how much eyeliner I use.

Q: Are you qualified to serve on our nation’s highest court?

A: I will phrase the answer to this question in the form of a haiku: I may be pan-faced / but much of my life has been / spent watching Night Court.

Q: What are your thoughts on abortion?

A: I am against abortion, except in cases of rape, incest, or chances the baby will be adopted by a couple of fags - except if one of the fags is that nice homo from Oprah’s show. He’s precious.

Q: And what about gay marriage?

A: You know that face people make right before they’re about to sneeze? I look like that ALL THE TIME.

Supreme court nominee is asked to redo response to questions [NYT]

Seacrest Out!

Published by Rob on October 19, 2005 in Celebs. 2 Comments

Ryanseacrest-1Perhaps they thought Clay Aiken was too gay? In a blinding stroke of irony, Original Metrosexual Ryan Seacrest will be crowned “Queen for a Day” at the 18th Annual West Hollywood Halloween Carnaval. Seacrest probably thinks this means he’s acknowledging the rumors about him with a wink and a nudge. You can almost hear him telling Simon, “Come on, man, it’s queen for a day! Come November 1, I’m totally back into chicks.”

The announcement helpfully reminds us that Seacrest was once named one of People’s most eligible bachelors. One imagines the editor struggling against his desire to stick the word “confirmed” in there. Let’s just hope Kathy Griffin shows up with a camera crew.

Ryan Seacrest to be Queen for a Day at Halloween Carnaval 2005 [WeHo.org]