Archive for November, 2005

Oh my God! She really looks like that!

Published by Rob on November 30, 2005 in Celebs. 5 Comments

514413484Htoohe PhWe may not have encounters with Lohan, but we do have this picture of Friend of the PEN15 Dana with Bree Van De Kamp herself, Marcia Cross, taken at Monday night’s otherwise-dull party for Boston Common Magazine. Marcia rolled up in the backseat of a Bentley and looked very, very tall. And that’s not Vaseline on the Desperate Housewives DP’s lens, folks: she really is that wrinkle-free. In fact I’m pretty sure you can see the reflection of our friend Jennie’s camera in her forehead.

No sign of the “fiance,” although he could easily have been down the street hanging with the draq queens at Jacques.

‘Brokeback Mountain’ premieres; Hollywood drowns in layer of gay blogger permacum

Published by Rob on November 30, 2005 in Bitches. 5 Comments

Aaaa-1Senior gay bloggers Trent and Perez Hilton weasled their way into (or, in Perez’s case, close to) the Hollywood premiere of Brokeback Mountain last night. Because Ang Lee’s passionate Western is to The Gays what The Passion of the Christ was to people who shop at Big Lots and have sex with their cousins, the boys’ reaction to the festivities can best be expressed in a high-pitched squeal.

Only Trent had his picture taken with the man of the hour - a (literally) bearded Jake Gyllenhaal - but both boys scored one-on-ones with a raven-haired Lindsay Lohan (leading Perez to “cream his little boy underwear”). Bizarrely, according to both blogs, the latest threat to Johnny Knoxville’s marriage approached them. Girl, are you that hard up for photo ops?

Congratulations to Trent and Perez for getting some firsthand celeb action - but do they have to denigrate the cause of gay bloggers everywhere by wearing those garish, outmoded fauxhawks?

Mission Accomplished [Pink is the New Blog]

Brokeback Lohan [Perez]

‘Aeon’ fucked

Published by Rob on November 29, 2005 in Films. 1 Comment

503515 RtHey, Charlize! Welcome to the post-Oscar curse! You barely escaped it with North Country, which will probably score you another Best Actress nomination despite its lousy box office. But now comes word that Paramount has refused to screen Aeon Flux - a film for which you literally almost broke your neck - for critics.

The theory behind hiding movies from the press is that no reviews is better than a barrage of terrible reviews. This, of course, isn’t true, as critics, irritated at being kept out of the loop, instead run items about how the film must be terrible because they weren’t allowed to see it.

Anyway, it looks like Theron’s attempt at a franchise won’t pan out. At least she can always fall back on Arrested Development. Oh, wait…

‘Aeon Flux’ not screening for critics [Rottentomatoes]

You aren’t a whore, darlin’

Published by Rob on November 29, 2005 in Bitches and Celebs. 3 Comments

Images-24 Gina Ralph Fiennes is threatening legal action against the New York Post for alleging that he was “canoodling” (Christ, I loathe that word) in public with the sublime Gina Gershon. But get ready for some intense gossip-blog metaphysics: The LA.com article at link (thanks, Gawker!) criticizes the WENN article it links to for calling Gershon a “younger model” when she’s in fact a year older than Fiennes. What LA.com apparently don’t realize is that Gershon is indeed far younger than Fiennes’ newly ex-girlfriend of 10 years, 61-year-old British matron/mature quail Francesca Annis.

We think it’s sad that Fiennes is so hellbent on disproving the rumors that he’s gettin’ his Gershon on, because we like the idea of them together. Or at the very least, we like the idea of their most famous characters together. Picture Count Laszlo de Almasy from The English Patient selling out the Allied forces and risking his life in the Tunisian desert just to keep Cristal Connors in coke. Now that’s romance.

Fiennes’ fury [LA.com]

Makeout music [NY Post]

Clubhouse News

Published by Jordan on November 29, 2005 in Club News. 2 Comments

So it’s almost my bedtime and I, for the life of me, can’t find a single thing to write about. And no, I’m not writing about Jessica and Nick or anyone with the last name Stewart. I don’t have it in me. Even our old fallbacks, Anderson Cooper, Jake Gyllenhaal, Star Jone-Reynolds, and Miss Tom Cruise seem uninspiring today.

Instead, I’d like to take this opportunity to update you with what’s going on at the ol’ Clubhouse.

First, I’ve updated our lovely header for the holidays. I hope you enjoy our non-denominational and all-inclusive ode to the phallus. To me, nothing reminds me of grandma’s house or hard, hot schlong like holiday peppermints.

I’ve also added a “tips” link to the column on your left. We’re not looking for cash (although that’s never out of the question), but we’re thirsty for tips on stories, or “the scoop,” as we say in the biz. So, if you’ve heard any good gossip, or have found a story online that we’ve overlooked, please send it our way. If necessary, we can be very discreet, as it says in all of my Craigslist posts.

We’d also like more advertisers. Really, we’re not making bank of the $15 or so it costs each of our advertisers to throw an ad up on our walls, but it tickles me and Rob just knowing that people think we’re worth buying. All the cash really just goes into a big jar labeled “WILL OFFEND FOR GIN.” And much like the walls of the actual Clubhouse, the ads help to decorate the page with bare-chested hairless men.

Finally, we’d like to extend a sincere thanks to all of our readers. I know you think of us as snarky bitches, but that’s sincere. After just four and a half months and 173 posts, we’re more than happy with the positive response we’ve gotten so far. And the feedback - its our heroin. So, if you have any suggestions, complaints, questions (yes we’re planning on posting actual bios; no we won’t show you our PEN15s), don’t hesitate to send them our way.

AC:Crazy

Published by Jordan on November 28, 2005 in AC:Crazy. 9 Comments

Story.Cooper.AndersonOkay. New section. AC: Crazy (or, Anderson Cooper: Crazy).

There are just way too many tidbits out there that prove my theory that our boy, Andie Cooper, is going batshit crazy before our very eyes, to not make a new category for compiling said evidence.

This week’s installment of AC:Crazy comes from the front page of CNN.com, in an article by Anderson called “The Problem with Vacations.”

Does anyone actually take vacations anymore? Pack up the wife, Alice, and the kids, go to the Grand Canyon, get lost, meet an Indian boy named Jimmy?

What? I could stomach the reference to the wife without cracking a smile, but “meet an Indian boy named Jimmy?” I went to the Grand Canyon with the family and the only one who met an Indian boy was my Aunt Steven from Fire Island.

Do you think Brad and Matt really want to be frolicking at Clooney’s place on Lake Como? Do you think Al Reynolds enjoys smearing suntan lotion on Star Jones like butter on a lobster at a Jamaican resort?

The answer to the first question is most assuredly yes. The answer to the second question is, “Andie, will you write for us?”

More ridiculousness after the jump.

Continue reading ‘AC:Crazy’

Desperately Confused

Published by Jordan on November 27, 2005 in News, Rants and TV. 1 Comment

Ep Dannyfeld3-1The writers of “Desperate Housewives” are rumored to be making another terrible decision. The Enquirer claims (as it does) that at the end of the show’s slumpish sophomore season, Marcia Cross’s character, Bree Van De Kamp, will be killed off to “give the show a much-needed boost.”

If by “much-needed boost” they mean “a way to get out of writing a third season,” they might actually succeed, as Bree is one of the few reasons the show is worth watching anymore (and it will stay that way until they bring back Andrew’s make-out sessions with Ryan Carnes.)

It’s been a few days since we’ve done a humorous list about “DH,” so here you go, bitches.

Ways the writers of “Desperate Housewives” might kill off Bree:

  • Turn on the heat
  • Put a camera backstage and devise a way to get her and Terri Hatcher in a room together with only enough tater-tot casserole for one person
  • Make it look like Edie is the one dying until Bree is shot in the last 30 seconds by a resident of a rival town
  • George gives her AIDS. Damn! That dude’s evilness never stops delivering!
  • Andrew starts dating a boy. A Jewish boy
  • While sneaking through her house to find something completely irrelevant, Susan accidentally blows out Bree’s pilot light. Oh, that Susan!
  • Dehydration as a result of outrageous case of explosive diarrhea
  • New character: a machete-weilding Janice Dickinson… gives Bree the bird flu
  • Bree commits suicide after a terribly-disfiguring accident involving Jesse Metcalf’s chest wax

Desperate Housewives: One of the Five will Die [Enquirer]

A little 50 Cent in all of us

Published by Jordan on November 27, 2005 in Anal and Celebs. 1 Comment

50Cent 01-1I spent America’s biggest shopping weekend away from any mall, big-box retailer, or liquor store. I even managed to offend some big-calved townie at Amazon.com, because she was blocking the only way between me and one-click checkout. Needless to say, I didn’t get any of my holiday shopping done.

But I’m not worried anymore. 50 Cent has single-handedly solved all of my gift-giving needs by announcing his plans to release a line of sex toys and condoms, including a vibrator shaped just like him. It’s unclear whether he’s molding the toy off of his own manhood, or off of his entire body, but he’s made it certain that it will be waterproof.

That’s right. Whereas the real 50 wears a protective vest to keep him bulletproof, little 50 will wear a little life-vest to keep himself waterproof.

So no one tell Rob about my plans, because this holiday, he’s definitely getting the gift that actually keeps on giving – meaning you can shoot the sumbitch eight times and it still won’t die.

50 Cent plans condom and sex toys line [Celebrity Blog]

Jamie Bell plays the pronoun game

Published by Rob on November 27, 2005 in Celebs and Famous PEN15s. 15 Comments

A0002692 4385696As usual, let me preface this item by saying that I have no idea if Jamie Bell is actually gay or straight or whatever. But now that he’s 19 and starring in movies like King Kong, the young actor most famous for bringing The Dance to a Thatcher-era British mining town in Billy Elliot is going to have to plant his flag on one side of the sexuality fence. You know, for magazine-profile and press-junket purposes.

But this interview in The Guardian suggests that Bell - who has politely sidestepped the whole teen-awkward-stage thing and could grace the cover of GQ tomorrow - actively wants to start rumors about his own sexuality. He lists the three most important people in his life as his mother (sweet), Billy Elliot and The Hours director Stephen Daldry (who was openly gay and then married a woman) and (DING!) “my best mate from up north, he’s like my soul mate, my brother, and he’s just started drama school in Mountview. We are each other’s mentor. He gives me what I need and I give him what he needs.”

Continue reading ‘Jamie Bell plays the pronoun game’

Civil unions saved my life tonight

Published by Rob on November 26, 2005 in Celebs. 0 Comments

Fc078-1124183721.HmediumTaking advantage of Britain’s new civil union law, chubby chaser David Furnish has agreed to make an honest man out of Elton John. The couple will be pronounced man and bottom on December 21 in a small ceremony to be attended only by both parties’ parents. (Which - hold on - Elton John’s parents are still alive? That should add a touch of, um, Victorian class to the proceedings.)

Despite the intimacy of the occasion, John says he’ll manage to spend 672,939 pounds on flowers. After the ceremony, a medium channeling the spirit of Princess Diana will give a toast.

We, of course, wish the best for Elton and David, and are glad that a high-profile male couple is publicly taking the plunge. We just hope that Elton stays rich and David stays pretty. Not that we’re promoting stereotypes based on other famous queer couples. But, you know, photos don’t lie.

Elton John, partner plan civil union [MSNBC]