The PEN15 Club

Oh great. Here we go. The Dems go and do something they should have done a long time ago, and since it involved moving the media out of the room and dimming the lights in the senate chamber, it could only be one of two things: Harry Reid and Barbara Boxer finally christening the rostrum, or a flashy, showy, horrible political ‘stunt.’

So now, we’re going to have to put up with the words ‘stunt‘ and ‘hijacked’ ad nauseam for the next 48-hours.

But the PEN15 Club has learned that secret sessions aren’t the only stunts that the legislature has up its sleeves. In fact, there are many feats that are far more impressive, yet fly discreetly under the radar, that the lawmakers are capable of.

• Congressman Tom DeLay is said to have the ability to reach behind a wide-eyed child’s ear and produce $40,000 for his campaign coffers.
• Trent Lott has the amazing ability to offend and alienate a massive portion of the U.S. population in a matter of seconds.
• Senator Harry Reid can blow himself. For hours and hours. It’s phenomenal. Like fucking poetry.
• Senatress Barbara Boxer, who is looking graceful well into her eleventies, can still contort her face into hysterics multiple times per session, despite all the Botox.
• Senator Hillary Clinton has the ability to sum up the entire Democratic party’s message in one or two brilliantly delivered sentences, without really denying that she’s a lesbian.
• Senator Norm Coleman of Minnesota can still take away people’s rights from the senate, despite being haunted by the very angry ghost of Paul Wellstone.
• Senator Rick Santorum’s soul is blacker than anything you’ve ever seen. And for an extra dollar, he’ll let you take a picture with it.
• Senator John McCain still has people convinced he’s a Republican.
• Senator Ted Kennedy is singlehandedly responsible for the success of the whisky industry, and to prove it, he can make his nose glow red for a small donation to a good cause.

Trent Lott’s big white tent [Crooks and Liars]