Archive for November, 2005

Fat Friday

Published by Rob on November 25, 2005 in Gunts, News and Rants. 4 Comments

Top.0749.Shopping.ApIf you look like these people, chances are you’re not reading this. No, you awoke at 6 a.m. still full from yesterday’s gorging of bland meats and hot dishes, poured yourself into the loosest pair of stirrup pants you own, dusted off your favorite Xmas-themed sweatshirt and drove your Ford Windstar to the local Wal-Mart or Target or mall. There you partook in the annual post-Thanksgiving blood feast of the kind documented here.

No, it’s not a scene from the original Dawn of the Dead. Oddly, those zombies moved faster and had better haircuts. It’s just an ordinary Wal-Mart in Florida. As for these Target employees shown in the photo above: It looks as though they’ve transmogrified their dreary discount retail oppression into an after-hours Fight Club scenario, but no. The caption says they’re merely “bracing for shoppers,” aka the fleshy stampede of sweatpants-wearers who will fight to the death to buy Hayden and Madison the year’s disposable status symbols, so that no one at school or church will figure out they’re as poor as the folks on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

Folks, it’s your day off. Stay home. Relax. (Unless you’re an anthropologist documenting the latent alpha-male, cannibalistic tendencies of the American hausfrau, in which case today is your actual Christmas.) And hausfraus, now that you’ve stepped on somebody’s neck to get your sausage-clutches on that $398 laptop, try using it to shop online.

Busy start to Black Friday [CNN]

A Cindy Adams Thanksgiving

Published by Rob on November 23, 2005 in Bitches, Celebs and Recipes. 6 Comments

Adams156X200We’re thankful for nonagenarian gossip diva Cindy Adams’ round-up of celeb Thanksgiving plans, but we’re afraid ol’ Cin may have gone soft now that she’s in her eleventies. First, check out this remarkably generous characterization of Ellen DeGeneres’ tendency to buy houses for her lipstick lovers, then dump them for a younger model and sell the house: “Anyway, a legitimate realty mogul, Ellen buys houses, fixes them and sells them. A person might say she has an edifice complex.”

Apparently “edifice complex” is code for “classic lesbian compulsion for settling down too fast with the wrong woman.”

And speaking of child brides, if you thought Woody and Soon-Yi’s relationship wasn’t sick enough, check out this new form of abuse: Soon-Yi claims that “Woody makes sure to tell everyone beforehand that I’m staying out of the kitchen, otherwise they won’t come over.”

Hasn’t Woody learned by now? You can molest a woman, you can take nude photos of her when she’s underage - but insult her cooking and it’s all over but the cryin’.

Lately, life’s been generous to Ellen [NY Post]

La Cruise buys time, medical equipment

Published by Jordan on November 23, 2005 in Celebs and News. 4 Comments

Tomkat Kaput-1We’re even more sick of TomKat than we are Kimberly Stewart, but this one is too weird to go without a mention. Tom Cruise told Barbara Walters in an upcoming special that he and Katie are stalling on getting married until after the thetus is purged from Katie’s violated body (painfully and silently).

What, was the golden Scientology yacht booked solid for the next year? Was Beck on tour and therefore unavailable to play the wedding? Are the spinmeisters behind the charade finding it increasingly difficult to devise a way to conveniently get rid of the baby?

More eerie still, La Cruise also tells Babs that he’s purchased his own ultrasound machine so he can keep track of the thetus’s “progress.” I’m assuming he actually uses it to check and make sure the baby isn’t already planning his escape - you know, digging out an alcove in Katie’s liver to hunker down in, tying off his umbilical cord to fake a suicide, what have you.

We here in the clubhouse are simply going to shake our heads and add “doctor and/or midwife” to our ever-growing list of ridiculous things that Tom Cruise pretends to be.

Tom and Katie’s wedding on hold [Ananova]

Silent Scientology birth for Tom and Katie? [Access Hollywood]

Xtina’s Xtreme Vow Xchange

Published by Jordan on November 22, 2005 in Celebs and Star Jones Reynolds. 6 Comments

Cawed01-1-TmIt’s Christina Aguilera’s wedding photo, but if you squint your eyes and look real quick, it looks like:

  • a used tampon marrying a used car salesman
  • a feather duster marrying the president of my high school student council
  • an insulting misuse of the color white, and sardonic placement of a rose
  • a whore eruption
  • Eddie Murphy’s Halloween party
  • what I see when I drink too much NyQuil
  • Austin Scarlett’s wet dream
  • the thing my grandma knitted to cover the plunger
  • a weekend at the Seacrest estate
  • the answer to the gay marriage debate
  • somehow less creepy than this

Photo from Socialite’s Life.

House of Unwaxed

Published by Rob on November 21, 2005 in Celebs and Waxing Techniques. 1 Comment

Elisha-Cuthbert-Lip-Wax-01From afar, Elisha Cuthbert may appear pretty in pink. But click on these red carpet shots uncovered by Egotastic and you’ll see that the actress is caught in a situation even hairier than when she stepped into that bear trap on 24. That’s right - girlfriend’s totally got a mustache!

Not since Tori Spelling’s first-season-of-90210 sideburns has facial hair on a famous female caught us so off guard. Now if it were Nia Vardalos or, I dunno, Doris Roberts, I would understand. But Elisha?! Inexcusable, young lady, in the age of electrolysis! Sometimes being blonde isn’t enough.

Elisha Cuthbert needs to wax [Egotastic, by way of JustJared]

Why is Kirk Cameron judging me?

Published by Jordan on November 21, 2005 in Celebs and Rants. 1 Comment

Picture 4When a coworker forwarded me the link to www.wayofthemaster.com, I was skeptical. After all, I didn’t need another website showing me how to use a sex swing.

But I was delighted to find the the site wasn’t about leather daddies and dungeons at all – but rather an experience devoted to showcasing Kirk Cameron’s latest stroke of genius. And boy, has he come a long way from his days as the lovable Mike Seaver. I was greeted by an animated Kirk inviting me to take a simple quiz. He read me each of the 10 commandments, asking if I was guilty of breaking them. I hated myself with each time I had to disappoint eKirk, as, aside from the sodomy, I’ve broken every commandment except for that murder one, and then some.

“Kirk,” I sobbed. “Why are you doing this to me? Your best friend was named Boner Stabone! That’s sodomy personified!”

But then, salvation! Kirk spilled his guts and told me that it was okay because he, too, used to be an Atheist until he wandered into a church while chasing some tail when he was a teen. He’s now been married (to a woman) for 12 years, and has six children. Ages 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1.

You’re right, Kirk. Banging a pregnant chick is so much hotter than banging another dude. And certified by God, to boot.

If, by chance, you needed more reasons to hate religious zealots, the site is worth a look.

Girl, unemployable

Published by Rob on November 17, 2005 in Celebs. 1 Comment

Images-20Noted cracktress Brittany Murphy has been dumped by both her agent and her manager. Radar thinks her alleged drug problem has something to do with it, but I’m more than willing to chalk it up to Little Black Book, Uptown Girls and Spun.

In order to prove their case, the folks at Radar have also dug up the most hilariously unsubtle Ted Casablanca blind item this side of Toothy Tile. Enjoy!

Career, Interrupted [Radar]

One step-by-skanky-step blind vice [E! Online]

Girlfriend likes her tinymeat

Published by Rob on November 17, 2005 in Celebs. 4 Comments

Images-18-1 Images-19-1I guess we’re obliged to comment on Perez Hilton’s allegations that Dr. Sunken Tits and Leo DiCaprio were all over each other at some L.A. club. (Kirsten? Drinking?!) Which is hard, because it’s not a terribly interesting piece of gossip. Except for one thing: they look like they could be brother and sister. Which is creepy. And they would have the whitest. Children. Ever.

Seriously, those kids would be see-through. Or maybe just slightly blue, like skim milk.

Kirsten Drunkst and Leonardo DiCrapio - so PERFECT together! [Perez]

CNN comes out

Published by Jordan on November 17, 2005 in AC:Crazy, Anal, Celebs and News. 1 Comment

Andersoncooperryanseacrest-1I stumbled upon Larry King Tuesday night half way through his interview with Nicole Richie. And for the first time, I thought Larry! You look horrendous! Your face is all leathery and there’s self-tanner dripping from your nose! I then realized that Ryan Seacrest was sitting in for Larry for the evening. What ensued was the intellectual equivalent of two retarded kittens wrestling in a pillowcase. I had to turn it off when Seacrest asked a surprisingly level-headed Nicole, “Did you ever consider suicide?” To which she (may have) responded, “Well, I was kind of hoping the heroine and starvation would take care of it.”

What I missed, sadly, was apparently television’s gayest moment. Our boyfriend over at the Malcontent captured it for us in all its faggy glory. When Ryan promo’d what was to come next on “AC360,” he an Anderson actually began an on-screen game of slap n’ tickle. Comments heavily laced with cock size metaphors fell out of Andie’s mouth easier than the pickup lines he’s used to score ass in every city’s “The Eagle” gay bar. The relevant transcript is here.

I’m sensing a trend in CNN’s plans for the future. AC replacing Aaron Brown, Seacrest standing in for Larry. What’s next? Kevin Spacey in for Wolf Blitzer? Ian Sommerhalder for Soledad O’Brien?

Anderson and Ryan, sitting in a tree [Malcontent]

Anderson Cooper tells Seacrest: That’s the biggest tie… [Perez]

Overheard: When Ebert met Oprah

Published by Rob on November 16, 2005 in Celebs and Gunts. 3 Comments

20051114 102 350X263Ever since Oprah revealed on her website that she and fellow Formerly Fat TV Personality Roger Ebert once went on a date, we’ve been dying to know what really went down between the two. Luckily, Ebert left his tape recorder on during the date, and we’ve obtained a top-secret transcript of the, um, climax of the evening:

Oprah: You sure have a lovely place, Roger. I’ve never seen so many Russ Meyer movie posters in one room. Mind if I sit down?

Roger: Go ahead…just brush the crumbs off the cushion. Would you like something to drink?

Oprah: Just water.

(Footsteps, presumably Roger walking to the kitchen.)

Oprah: What’s all this paper? (Sound of tearing, rolling of paper, followed by sustained nasal sucking noises.)

Roger (from afar): That’s my first-edition copy of the Casablanca screenplay, autographed by the Epstein brothers. It shouldn’t be lying around like that, it’s incredibly valuable.

Oprah: Is that right?! (Footsteps as Roger returns from the kitchen.)

Roger: Sorry if it’s a little brown. That’s not the pipes, it’s chocolate. I always drink my water with a little Nestle Quik.

Oprah: My friend and idol Maya Angelou says that chocolate is a like a caged sparrow nesting in the bosom of every woman, on the dewy cusp of a velvet dawn. I had a lovely time tonight, Roger.

Roger: Me too.

(Sound of kissing.)

Oprah: Ouch, Roger! Oh my!

Roger: Oh, no…that’s just my Pulitzer. I don’t know how it got behind the sofa cushion. Oprah, what do you want more than anything in this world?

Oprah: I want to be welcomed daily into the living rooms of America’s hausfraus, and help them learn to remember their spirits. I want to popularize middlebrow novels about poor, fat or abused women triumphing over adversity. I want a gay decorator that I can keep as a pet. I want…syndication.

Roger: I’ve been syndicated for nearly a decade now, Oprah. I invented the concept of the celebrity film critic, and look at me. Imagine what I could do for you. But I just need one thing in return. (Whispering, followed by a pause.)

Oprah: You get a blowjob! You get a blowjob! You get a blowjob! You get a blowjob!

There’s no telling why it didn’t ultimately work out between Rog and Oprah, but one thing’s for sure: the now happily married Ebert is certainly over the TV talk show queen. See, he’s married now. Oh, yes. He’s over Oprah for sure.

Memorable moments: Roger Ebert’s role [Oprah.com]