Archive for December, 2005

PEN15 New Year Predicktions

Published by Jordan on December 31, 2005 in Features. 6 Comments

Hunt Ny

So we each woke up this morning, chiseled the dried vomit off our cheeks and thought, “Holy shit. 2005’s just about over and the bird flu didn’t get us.”

This means we get to look forward to another fucking post-millennial year. ‘Cause everything since 2000 has just been gravy. Hurricanes, looming pandemics, Bush, a long war, earthquakes, Olsens, Vaughniston, legalized sodomy, more Bush, Nancy Grace, 9/11, civil war in the Sudan, The War at Home. This decade just keeps getting worse.

So, with incipient disaster on our minds, join us in looking forward to what we’re pretty sure we’ll be complaining about throughout 2006. Happy goddamned New Year.

1. Pandemic-omonium! It won’t be H5N1, but whatever’s festering in Brittany Murphy’s inner thigh suddenly mutates and becomes airborne, traveling easily from person to person. As opposed to just traveling easily from Brittany to some dude.

2. Celebrity injury extravaganza!

  • Nicole Kidman trips on the stairs and shatters.
  • Janet sits on Mariah while fighting over the last chicken wing at the craft services table while rehearsing for Divas Live.
  • Orlando Bloom’s lung collapses when he is crushed under the weight of his own failed potential.
  • A mini-epidemic of carpal tunnel syndrome breaks out among screenwriters trying to write the next great blockbuster gay love story (and jerking off while writing the sex scenes).
  • Anderson Cooper chokes on his own journalistic righteousness (that’s the official story; he’s actually trying to deep-throat Bill O’Reilly’s Polk Award).
  • Eva Longoria is hospitalized after shouting, “Cinco de Mayo?! Should be more like Cinco de Take a Shower!” at the Los Angeles Festival de Cinco de Mayo, thereby inciting a riot. Unfortunately, the hospital’s Latino staffers spitefully refuse to bathe or feed her.

Continue reading ‘PEN15 New Year Predicktions’

Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to splooge

Published by Rob on December 31, 2005 in News. 1 Comment

Image 2103155-1 A plucky eleventh-grader has a pithy response for Mike Luckovich, the political cartoonist who, earlier this year, arranged the names of American soldiers who had died in Iraq to form the word “Why?” 17-year-old Danielle Ansley of Arlington Christian School in Fairburn, Georgia - aka the next Karen Hughes - took an updated list of casualties and re-arranged them to form her answer to Luckovich’s question: “Freedom.”

Ho, snap!

Interestingly, the vengeful cunts at Datalounge claim to have gone to high school with Danielle and, although the PEN15 Club doesn’t technically endorse libeling minors, um, they’re the ones doing it. We’re just laughing (and, okay, occasionally posting).

Response to “why?” [Atlanta Journal Constitution]

Retarded Christian girl answers Mike Lukovich [sic] [Datalounge]

“Take anything but my Home Depot card!”

Published by Jordan on December 30, 2005 in Bitches, Celebs and News. 5 Comments

Story.Rodriguez.ApStory.Watros.Ap

Our lover over at the Malcontent has created a wonderful compilation of gay blogger New Years resolutions, in which all readers finally get to see which writers in the homoblogosphere take themselves far too seriously.

We here at the P15 were honored to participate, and listed “No more going bar-hopping with Michelle Rodriguez as the DD” as our #1 resolution for 2006 as a reverent nod to Rodriguez’s and “Lost” co-star Cynthia Watros’s December DUI arrests.

But what we didn’t know until CNN.com ran a story about their arraignment today was exactly how dangerous Rodriguez is behind the wheel. Apparently at the time of the arrest, she was on probation from a drunk driving conviction the year before. Additionally, Rodriguez had also been tagged for speeding in Hawaii three times in 2005.

Would someone please call UHAUL and have them issue a ban? You know it’s dangerous giving a lesbian with a driving record like hers unlimited access to moving vehicles! That would be like giving Billy Joel a whiskey bath and then dropping him off in a random parking lot.

And where can you get trashed while dressed like that in Hawaii? Were they cleaning David Crosby’s boat?

Ringing it in [The Malcontent]

‘Lost’ stars arraigned on DUI charges [CNN]

Uh-O-prah

Published by Jordan on December 29, 2005 in Bitches, Celebs, Gunts and News. 4 Comments

Oprah-WinfreyGod bless Minnesota. After a mind numbing week with my wonderful family and an abundance of mayonnaise-ridden holiday food, I can honestly say the only thing I’ve lost is any and all contact with the things I like to write about and you like to read about

And since I promised to start tapping my dirty little fingers as soon as I got back, you’re going to have to settle for a half-assed story that came from my dear mother. She had to tell me about Oprah’s near plane accident because I asked her why her knuckles were so white and what she had done with the gin.

It’s a simple story. Notorious cock jockey Oprah, and her fiercely heterosexual brut-of-a-live-in, Stedman, were taking off in their private jet, when a bird splattered into the windshield, warranting an emergency landing.

Does this mean that it’s time to update the old classic joke?:

Q: What’s the last thing to go through a bird’s head when it hits Oprah’s plane’s window?

A: Its ass.

A: “Wait a minute. Is that Gayle King vacuuming a set of beef curtains? But who….” SPLAT!

Oprah Winfrey’s Jet Emergency [Female First]

Brothers and other strangers

Published by Rob on December 29, 2005 in Celebs and Famous PEN15s. 1 Comment

Ricky-Martin-Beach04-1We’re obviously a couple days late in commenting on the Ricky Martin Speedo extravaganza - when the aging diva’s tireless quest to end human trafficking took him to the sunny shores of St. Bart’s - but I wonder if Jared ever got to the bottom of whether or not Ricky’s “beach companion” was indeed his half-brother, Eric Martin.

I’m sorry, if he actually is Ricky’s broheim, that’s much more damning. Ricky, it’s okay to be gay. It’s really fucked up, however, to do this with your brother.

He bangs, he bangs [JustJared]

One PEN15er’s favorite films of 2005

Published by Rob on December 29, 2005 in Films. 1 Comment

Lastdays1-1‘Cause it’s the end of December and everyone else is doing it.

Caveats: I have yet to see Match Point, The New World, Cache and any number of obscure South Korean action films that my own bored, overwhelmed biases prevented me from getting my shit together and catching during their three-day runs at the Brattle.

But of those that I did manage to check out this year, these ten linger the most, at least right now, as I’m writing this (alphabetically):

  • Brokeback Mountain, the weepiest Oscar-baiting tale of thwarted love since The English Patient (that’s totally a compliment)
  • Capote, with Philip Seymour Hoffman’s surgically unsettling portrayal of the collision of self-loathing and ego
  • The 40-Year-Old Virgin, the most romantic movie of the year, as well as the funniest
  • Grizzly Man, if only for the scene in which Herzog convinces Timothy Treadwell’s best friend not to listen to the recording of Treadwell being eaten alive by bears
  • Land of the Dead, because it barely seemed far-fetched in June, and then Katrina happened and, well…that moment when the undead rise out of the water to hunt down their privileged oppressors went from “just scary” to “scarily prescient”
  • Last Days (pictured), hypnotic, whether it’s a meditation on an artistic grace too delicate to exist corporeally, or just the story of a junkie whose time runs out, or both
  • Look at Me, the even-handed human comedy that Hollywood doesn’t know how to make (although the underrated In Her Shoes came shockingly close)
  • Munich, a riveting thriller, revisiting with fresh immediacy the theme of vengeance as virus
  • Nobody Knows, with Kore-eda’s stunning compositions in the service of a heartbreaking coming-of-age story
  • Palindromes, another bitter Todd Solondz mindfuck, this time finding dark hilarity in the slut-ification of American preteen girls, and its weird dovetailing with Christian fascism

Movies I’m sad I couldn’t find room for: Walk the Line, Pride and Prejudice, Dark Water (you heard me), In Her Shoes (that’s right), A History of Violence, The Squid and the Whale, Junebug, The Aristocrats, Broken Flowers, Mysterious Skin, The Dying Gaul

The PEN15 is going on Christmas vacation!

Published by Rob on December 22, 2005 in Club News. 2 Comments

Abcunderwear 1875 6194235-1It’s been a long, hard, sweaty year, and the PEN15 needs a break. As you may have noticed, we haven’t posted much this week. And we don’t plan on posting much next week. Why? Because Jordan is in Minnesota trying to sleep with all the straight boys he had crushes on in high school, and I’ll be in Pittsburgh trying to wrestle the last drops of Cutty Sark out of my mom’s clutches.

We’ll be back on Thursday, December 29. In the meantime, we hope you enjoy the holidays. Stay home and watch The View, and let us know if the Joy/Meredith vs. Star/Elisabeth tension gets any thicker. Re-watch every episode of Arrested Development. Rent some movies that have Catherine Keener in them. Enjoy yourself. That’s what we’ll be doing.

Then, of course, next Thursday, hurry back to read our bitching and moaning. Because peace and tranquility are all well and good, but only for a couple days a year.

Page’s bad rap

Published by Rob on December 20, 2005 in Bitches, Celebs and TV. 8 Comments

Page10 Jordan and I were so amused when Desperate Housewives actor Page Kennedy (the big dude chained up in Alfre’s basement) was abruptly fired for “improper conduct” (read: flashing someone, possibly Marcia Cross), we each simultaneously posted about it.

Now Kennedy is trying to make lemonade out of his sour discharge by releasing a rap single - imaginatively titled “Hold On” - chronicling his “persecution” (seriously, he uses that word) by the media and the Housewives powers-that-be. Now, before I go any further, you really have to listen to it. Even if you’re at work or the library. Please. You’ll thank me.

What was your favorite part? I have 5 in particular (with honorable mention for the echo effect news sound bites that open the song). Here they are, listed in order of hilariawesomeness.

5. Page implies that the pain of being fired from DH was enough for him to contemplate suicide, underscored with the sound of a gunshot on the track, followed by a little girl saying, “Daddy?”

4. He rhymes “project” with “projects” in this scintillating bon mot: “I’m moving along to the next project/’Cause I’m from the projects.”



3. Raps Page of the tabloids that were “persecuting” him: “And these were the same publications that were bugging me for exclusives.” Sweetheart, there’s not even such a thing as a Felicity Huffman exclusive, and she’s getting an Oscar nomination this year. On your best day, you’d have been lucky to not get bumped from the last-segment slot on The View.

2. “Sad thing is they weren’t even exaggerations/They were complete lies/And the media seems to stick together like fat guys and super size fries”

1. “My whole life all I was doin’ was tryin’ to stay clean/Never drink, not even a sip of champagne/You woulda thought I was on a sobriety campaign/Never did drugs, not even smoke a damn thang…Let’s not forget, I got kids/So now I gotta explain what they gonna hear did Daddy did/Kirsten’s askin’, ‘Daddy how come all these kids harassin’?/Sayin’ that you got fired for flashin’?'”

He’s a father, and he’s straight edge. Page Kennedy: not only did he not wave his penis at Eva Longoria, he’s a living saint.

“Hold On” [pagekennedy.com]

DH to recast most convenient character [PEN15 Club]

“Desperate” for a new job [PEN15 Club]

Bring it on

Published by Rob on December 19, 2005 in Camel Toes. 2 Comments

Eliza-Dushku-Shaved-1 First, the low rise jeans phenomenon made ass cracks a viable accessory. Then nip slips became a red carpet mainstay. Now, erstwhile Tru Calling star Eliza Dushku drags us kicking and screaming into the next frontier of celebrity exhibitionism. On opening night of her new play Dog Sees God: Confessions of a Teenage Blockhead, after the curtain went down, Dushku’s meat curtains came out. She showed up to the party in a dress that exposed her totally hairless vagina (NSFW, clearly).

Dushku’s play is inspired by the Peanuts comic strip, but it’s not for kids. Good thing, too. We have a feeling the only man looking Eliza in the eye all night was her co-star, Ian Somerhalder.

Good lord - what will Tara Reid have to do in front of a press line to top this? Give birth?

Eliza Dushku is shaved [Egotastic]

Bono: “I’m experiencing an unusual feeling. I think it’s called being humbled.”

Published by Jordan on December 18, 2005 in News and Rants. 4 Comments

Storyvert.Timepoy.ApI just don’t like Bono. Really, I’ve tried to like him. In spite of the supposed brilliance of his music and all his good-cause-doing, I think it boils down to me just not caring for people who take themselves that seriously, which generally equates to people who wear sunglasses indoors.

His charity organization, DATA, is vastly convoluted. It stands for Debt, AIDS, Trade, Africa, as if picking a single one of the four seemingly unrelated causes would have put him on the same level of mere mortals like Lance Armstrong or Irritable Bowel Syndrome champion Kelsey Grammer. My own personal charity, OCRA (ovarian cancer, racism, and Al Reynolds) is a far more worthy cause – that is, if you have money left after your donation to TBA.

So when “Time” grouped Bono with Bill Gates and his wife as the persons of the year, I was slightly annoyed. I have no personal beef with the Gates–other than my hatred for Microsoft and lust for Steve Jobs–but in a year of unimaginable natural disaster, groundbreaking gay cowboy movies, and under-appreciated brilliance, do we really need to run our collective tongues over Bono’s sack some more?

And yes, the glasses do annoy me. But without them, I wouldn’t have been able to distinguish Melinda Gate’s from Bono in the cover photo. I suppose everything serves its purpose.

Time names Bono, Bill and Melinda Gates Persons of the Year [CNN]