The PEN15 Club

The countdown until the wide release of Brokeback Mountain is nearly over. Over a year ago, Rob told me about the gay cowboy movie that was in the making, and from the get-go, I had visions of train wrecks dancing through my head. After all, the tome of gay cinema isn’t embarrassed with Oscar nominations. Up until this point, it’s been The Broken Hearts Club, Eating Out, and Mission Impossible II topping the list of cinematic contributions by us gays. Very, very sad.

But now! A movie that isn’t about abs, whores, and blouses. A movie where two very masculine types just happen to be gay and not played by Vin Diesel! It’s too much to handle! And now that it’s getting more Oscar buzz than any other movie released this year, it’s clear that Brokeback ain’t just for gays (much like mutual masturbation.) What started off as a very niche-oriented arty piece has spun into something mainstream. That’s right: on-screen buttfucking seen in suburbs throughout America. The television networks are already editing the sex scene; for the television premiere it will look like Heath Ledger is trying to start a stubborn lawnmower rather than ravaging Jake Gyllenhaal from behind.

This sudden vast exposure begs an important question: How do you get straight dudes to see the movie without threatening their sexuality?

MSNBC humorously tries to answer the question by enlisting a gay freelance writer to put the boys at ease, but read on for the PEN15 Clubs own list of pointers.

1. Fuckin’ suck it up, jerks. As my colleague Rob pointed out, no one had to write a white person’s guide to Do the Right Thing. It’s just a good movie about people different from you in some ways, and not so different from you in many other ways. You’ll only “catch gay” in the theatre if you sit too close to the fag sitting next to you, or get into a sword fight at the urinals.

2. It could be fisting. If you think a little man-on-man makin’ out and one sex scene is enough to make your skin crawl, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Ang Lee opted to cut all the scenes involving santorum, sex slings, and felching. The rimming scene was even swapped for more Anne Hathaway screen time. Those boys don’t do anything you’ve never wanted to do with your girlfriend, so you’re gettin’ off easy if you ask us.

3. It’s okay if you kind of like it. For reals. There are straight sex scenes that get our blood pumping a bit. You get kinda caught up in the moment. It doesn’t mean you’re all the way gay, it just means that you might want to consider trying it at one point. Which brings us to…

4. Try it. You don’t need to feign the jitters when you’re watching this shit. Can’t knock it until you try it, and any good Boy Scout leader would have taught you the same thing. Your girlfriend will think it’s hot that you were willing to see Brokeback, so when she’s giving you your reward that night, and flips you over and tries to enter you from behind, you’ll now know the right facial expressions to make.

5. We watched Titanic. And while it made us want to puke a little bit, it wasn’t because of the sex scenes. You showed us yours, now look at ours and fucking admit it looks damn good.

6. If Jake can do it, you can watch it. Jake Gyllenhaal obviously put more on the line by performing the scene than you will by watching it. And look how straight he turned out to be.

7. You’ve seen faggier movies than this one. Miracle, The Shipping News, Waterworld, Triple X, anything with Jean Claude Van Damme, anything with Steven Segal, that Seigfried and Roy special you watched when you were home alone, Monday night football. You’ve even seen more explicit on-screen gay sex: I bet you can recite the words to Wet, Hot American Summer.

8. You could sit through Boys Don’t Cry because there probably wasn’t a transexual sitting next to you. But the gays… they’re everywhere. Oh my god! Are they on me? Get them off! Get them off! What if he goes in for a hand job during the movie?

9. She could have dragged you to Memoirs of a Geisha. Count your blessings.

The Straight Dude’s Guide to ‘Brokeback’ [MSNBC]