Jordan and I were so amused when Desperate Housewives actor Page Kennedy (the big dude chained up in Alfre’s basement) was abruptly fired for “improper conduct” (read: flashing someone, possibly Marcia Cross), we each simultaneously posted about it.
Now Kennedy is trying to make lemonade out of his sour discharge by releasing a rap single - imaginatively titled “Hold On” - chronicling his “persecution” (seriously, he uses that word) by the media and the Housewives powers-that-be. Now, before I go any further, you really have to listen to it. Even if you’re at work or the library. Please. You’ll thank me.
What was your favorite part? I have 5 in particular (with honorable mention for the echo effect news sound bites that open the song). Here they are, listed in order of hilariawesomeness.
5. Page implies that the pain of being fired from DH was enough for him to contemplate suicide, underscored with the sound of a gunshot on the track, followed by a little girl saying, “Daddy?”
4. He rhymes “project” with “projects” in this scintillating bon mot: “I’m moving along to the next project/’Cause I’m from the projects.”
3. Raps Page of the tabloids that were “persecuting” him: “And these were the same publications that were bugging me for exclusives.” Sweetheart, there’s not even such a thing as a Felicity Huffman exclusive, and she’s getting an Oscar nomination this year. On your best day, you’d have been lucky to not get bumped from the last-segment slot on The View.
2. “Sad thing is they weren’t even exaggerations/They were complete lies/And the media seems to stick together like fat guys and super size fries”
1. “My whole life all I was doin’ was tryin’ to stay clean/Never drink, not even a sip of champagne/You woulda thought I was on a sobriety campaign/Never did drugs, not even smoke a damn thang…Let’s not forget, I got kids/So now I gotta explain what they gonna hear did Daddy did/Kirsten’s askin’, ‘Daddy how come all these kids harassin’?/Sayin’ that you got fired for flashin’?'”
He’s a father, and he’s straight edge. Page Kennedy: not only did he not wave his penis at Eva Longoria, he’s a living saint.
“Hold On” [pagekennedy.com]
DH to recast most convenient character [PEN15 Club]
“Desperate” for a new job [PEN15 Club]
the whole damn song is double tracked. that is supposed to only be used in certain parts of a rap song for emphasis, not the whole damn song. and did he say pronounce his name as paget rhymes with ay? all i’m sure of is the phrase trapped on a mattress which made me think of kevin bacon’s death in friday the 13th.
Ok, that was hilarious and I haven’t even listened to the clip.
I love how he’s trying to be the martyr here.
Eminem’s mom already tried that, champ, and no one cared.
My favorite part? He rhymes “matches” with “mattress.”
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varieties explodes dye,fielder Copernican!reprinting
varieties explodes dye,fielder Copernican!reprinting
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