Archive for December, 2005

I no longer want your sex

Published by Rob on December 18, 2005 in Celebs and Famous PEN15s. 0 Comments

Georgemichael Wideweb 470X368,0 Following in the jowls - er, footsteps - of Elton John, pop star of yore George Michael will make it official with his longtime boyfriend sometime after the U.K.’s new civil union law goes into effect on Wednesday. Goss, a millionaire entrepreneur (and current owner of the Goss Gallery in Dallas), has been with GM for about a decade, and used to be way hotter than the photo at right would suggest.

The hysterical bitches at Datalounge can’t stop talking about Kenny’s cheek and chin implants. Or the Level 9, G-force gayface exhibited in this pic. But hey, even if George and Ken have gone to seed a bit, at least they’re one famous gay couple whose looks (and, presumably, finances) more or less exist on the same plane.

Gotta have faith in new gay marriage laws [Sydney Morning Herald]

Civil unions saved my life tonight [PEN15 Club]

Another day, another gay wedding [Datalounge]

Katie Holmes blows

Published by Rob on December 17, 2005 in Famous PEN15s. 3 Comments

Katie-4So it’s come to this: Tom Cruise staging photo ops to prove that Katie will go down on him. And judging by the angle at which Katie’s head is (forcibly) tilted, Tom’s swinging some serious pipe.

The publisister never would have approved of such a stunt. Isn’t oral sex one of the body thetans’ false realities?

Do it, Katie! [Oh No They Didn’t!]

Demise of the publisister [PEN15 Club]

Cause (D-list) celebre

Published by Rob on December 15, 2005 in Celebs and Rants. 5 Comments

Nyet12211291713What do you do if you’re a celebrity who “cares,” but you’re too washed-up to get an invite to, say, a Hurricane Katrina telethon? If you’re one of an increasing number of D-listers such as Mira Sorvino, Ricky Martin and Daryl Hannah, you rally around a different maypole of nobility: Human trafficking. This ultra-catchy buzz phrase for what was, in less politically correct times, known as “the white slave market” (of course it doesn’t just happen to white people), was a hot issue in 2005. Or at least it would have been if the celebrities fighting it weren’t totally over the hill.

First, Sorvino starred in the Lifetime miniseries Human Trafficking, which she synergistically cross-promoted with an Amnesty International campaign. Seemed sincere enough.

Then that closeted asshole Ricky Martin, struggling to promote his “comeback” CD, chimed in with his own anti-HT PR campaign. And now Daryl fucking Hannah, failing to sustain her Kill Bill goodwill in any memorable fashion, is raising the stakes by narrating a documentary about HT.

Are these folks so tired of begging for guest spots on Will and Grace that they actually relate to people who are forced into prostitution? Or is there some SAG subcommittee devoted to brainstorming Lindsay Bluth-style causes for falling stars to champion?

Look, I’m sure it sucks to be drugged, kidnapped and forced to have sex with some greasy guy who claims to “own” you. But on some level, that’s what you get for going to an “open call for aspiring models - no experience necessary” while vacationing in Bangkok.

Human trafficking [Amnesty International]

Ricky Martin joins human trafficking fight [ABC News]

Daryl Hannah can’t get work [Dlisted]

Golden Globes keep it gay

Published by Rob on December 13, 2005 in Films and TV. 0 Comments

Images-1-3 A few thoughts on today’s Golden Globe nominations:

  • Three nominations for George Clooney (for writing and directing Good Night and Good Luck, and as supporting actor in Syriana)? There’s gonna be a lot of naked boys celebrating in the Italian “bachelor villa” tonight. Maybe George’ll even let the hog out of its cage. (You know, his pet pig.)
  • For novelty’s sake, China’s lovely Ziyi Zhang (Memoirs of a Geisha) isn’t just the only minority in her category; she’s nominated against the four whitest women in Hollywood: Maria Bello, Felicity Huffman, Gwyneth Paltrow and Charlize Theron. (I have no idea how The Upside of Anger’s Joan Allen was left off this list.)
  • Usual category mysteries: How, exactly, are Pride and Prejudice and The Squid and the Whale considered comedies? If Walk the Line qualifies as a musical, then why doesn’t Hustle & Flow?
  • Many, many gay characters in the Best Actor categories, both comedy and drama: Heath in Brokeback, Cillian Murphy in Breakfast on Pluto, Philip Seymour Hoffman in Capote, Johnny Depp in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (don’t deny it). Pierce Brosnan has some comically homoerotic scenes with Greg Kinnear in The Matador, and I don’t care how big a pussyhound his Producers character is, all Nathan Lane performances are inherently gay.
  • Munich pretty much got the shaft. Gee, do you think that Time cover proclaiming it “Spielberg’s secret masterpiece” (so secret it’s on the cover of Time) is causing a backlash? When a sick-joke B movie like A History of Violence (which I love, by the way) beats a weighty Spielberg historical drama for a Best Drama nod, you know the juggernaut has sprouted some holes.
  • Suck it, morally outraged hausfraus: Four nods for Match Point, including Best Drama, means Woody Allen’s back, bitches. And he’s after your daughters. Or maybe just Ziyi Zhang, if she were a decade or so younger.
  • As usual, the Globes’ TV nods are so idiotic as to not be worth mentioning. See link. Or don’t, unless you really like Commander in Chief and Grey’s Anatomy.

Golden Globes [The Envelope]

I’m Super-thanks-for-asking-man

Published by Jordan on December 13, 2005 in Celebs, Famous PEN15s and Films. 7 Comments

0,,2005570700,00-1Did uber-gayfaced, openly gay, and utterly adorable Superman director Bryan Singer give the hunky Brandon Routh (rhymes with “mouth”) the title role in the upcoming film, based on his dashing good looks and dating potential?

“Radar” thinks so. And we here at the Clubhouse would like to think so, too. It’s nice to imagine that the age-old practice of hot tub auditions is alive and thriving, and that it translates so well into gay world.

I mean, Bryan Singer’s combined movie cast lists read more like the program at a Human Rights Campaign dinner than anything else: Parker Posey, Alan Cumming, Hugh Jackman, Ian McKellan, and Kevin Spacey. Should it be a surprise that he passed on the utterly creepy Jim Caviezel for the hunk of cape-wearing manmeat that is Brandon “BJ” Routh? (Not to be confused with “BJ mouth.” Jonathan Taylor Thomas has yet to appear in a Singer film.)

Further reports supporting “Radar’s” theory indicate that Routh was too well-endowned for the comfort levels of Superman’s producers, and that a team was paid to CGI his dong out of much of the movie so it wouldn’t be distracting.

Wouldn’t you love to be the topic of that meeting?

Meeting Request: Routh’s cock

Location: Conf_Oscar - Fl. 22

Importance: High

Notes: Hey folks! I just wanted to get a bunch of us together to discuss how we’re going to handle the, uh, python problem. And no, Singer, we aren’t going to “handle” this your way. But seriously, we have to do something about it. If we don’t at least minimize it, we’ll have to give it a credit and pay residuals for years. Plus, we’re not going to keep anyone’s attention if 75% of the audience climaxes half way through the movie. His penis is just TOO BIG, even for Superman! I’ll put an estimate together to have this shit sent over to Industrial LIght and Magic. This is a job for Lucas.

I’ll bring donut holes. Don’t be late!

Is Singer’s Superman a loss for Lois? [Radar]

Supermanhood [The Sun]

Trailer Trash

Published by Rob on December 12, 2005 in Films. 6 Comments

Missionimpossible3BigEven though it’s December, and moviegoers have gotten used to more than one decent film opening each week for a month or so, it’s never too early to preview next summer’s crap.

First, Paramount unleashes its teaser for Mission: Impossible 3, directed by Lost mastermind J.J. Abrams. The spot opens with Philip Seymour Hoffman - who can do anything he wants after Capote, but should probably still be ashamed of himself - asks an offscreen person if he has “a wife or a girlfriend.” Surprise! It’s noted vagina-ravager Tom Cruise, so of course we know the answer. Cut to numerous shots of Katie Holmes-a-like Michelle Monaghan, whom Hoffman threatens, and shots of Tom making his clenched-jaw serious face while kicking some well-choreographed ass. Explosions ensue, scored to that irritating techno re-jiggering of the Mission: Impossible TV theme. God, Tom, $200 million later, we respect your cock already.

Universal’s Miami Vice tease is even duller (beware, it’s also deeply embedded within this stupid Bacardi website). Vice’s seven-months-and-counting shoot - under the megalomaniacal direction of the frequently overrated Michael Mann - has been such an infamous ordeal that it’s sent Colin Farrell into rehab for prescription (sniff) painkillers (sniff sniff). But based on the minute or so of footage shown here, it looks exactly like Mann’s Collateral, but with worse haircuts.

Mission: Impossible 3 [Yahoo!]

Miami Vice [Bacardi]

Colin Farrell seeks drug treatment [E! Online]

So good, you’ll leave gay

Published by Jordan on December 12, 2005 in Features and Films. 5 Comments

Brokeback Mountain PosterThe countdown until the wide release of Brokeback Mountain is nearly over. Over a year ago, Rob told me about the gay cowboy movie that was in the making, and from the get-go, I had visions of train wrecks dancing through my head. After all, the tome of gay cinema isn’t embarrassed with Oscar nominations. Up until this point, it’s been The Broken Hearts Club, Eating Out, and Mission Impossible II topping the list of cinematic contributions by us gays. Very, very sad.

But now! A movie that isn’t about abs, whores, and blouses. A movie where two very masculine types just happen to be gay and not played by Vin Diesel! It’s too much to handle! And now that it’s getting more Oscar buzz than any other movie released this year, it’s clear that Brokeback ain’t just for gays (much like mutual masturbation.) What started off as a very niche-oriented arty piece has spun into something mainstream. That’s right: on-screen buttfucking seen in suburbs throughout America. The television networks are already editing the sex scene; for the television premiere it will look like Heath Ledger is trying to start a stubborn lawnmower rather than ravaging Jake Gyllenhaal from behind.

This sudden vast exposure begs an important question: How do you get straight dudes to see the movie without threatening their sexuality?

MSNBC humorously tries to answer the question by enlisting a gay freelance writer to put the boys at ease, but read on for the PEN15 Clubs own list of pointers.

Continue reading ‘So good, you’ll leave gay’

More T&A Trouble

Published by Rob on December 11, 2005 in Celebs and Films. 3 Comments

RachelWhen Rachel McAdams agreed to appear on the cover of Vanity Fair’s annual Hollywood issue - guest-edited by creepy, over-tanned, fame whore fashion designer Tom Ford - nobody told her that she would be asked to pose nude alongside fellow It Girls Keira Knightley and Scarlett Johansson. As a result, she fired her publicist but - contrary to initial reports - went ahead and did the shoot anyway.

We’re so used to the blatant objectification of even the most talented starlets that it’s hard to bat an eye at this story. And we certainly would be all for Ford’s concept (Nudity! It’s inspired!) if the cover subjects were, say, Ryan Gosling, Jake Gyllenhaal and Jonathan Rhys Meyers. But although McAdams is fairly new on the scene, her smashing run of Mean Girls, The Notebook, Wedding Crashers, Red Eye and The Family Stone should at least give her the clout to say, “Nah, I’ll only do it if you at least let me wear pasties.”

Instead, we’ll be treated to the sight of poor Rachel pretending not to be miserable as she stares at us from the newsstand, shivering alongside Scarlett and Keira like a trio of skinny, naked prisoners of war. Who even gets off on this sort of thing anymore? Do straight men even read Vanity Fair? Wouldn’t it almost be more eye-catching to have a fully-dressed lineup of actresses on the cover?

And seriously, if you’re selling tits, shouldn’t you at least find actresses who have some? Unlike, you know, Keira Knightley?

The skinny on Vanity Fair’s nudie show [The Envelope]
Tom Ford’s indecent proposal [Radar]

PEN15 Drippings

Published by Jordan on December 9, 2005 in Drippings. 2 Comments
  • A mysterious syrupy smell looms over Manhattan. Somewhere in the upper west side, Star Jones opens a wetnap. [NYT via Gawker]
  • Ford stops buying ad media in gay publications. Thousands of Volvos are returned to their dealers smelling like plywood and premature commitment. [Baltimore Sun]
  • The Atlanta police department has appointed its first gay liaison. To qualify for the job, a candidate must prefer crepes to donuts and speak Drag Diva fluently. (“Ho, get yo limp wrists ‘hind yo shelf ass, and put them fake tits on the floor.”) [Southern Voice]
  • Busy couple of days for Matt Damon. First, he knocks up his girlfriend, and then marries her. Although many of middle-American preteens will learn of the events the other way around. [AP]
  • MK Olsen reveals why she dropped out of school and moved back to LA, exclaiming, “Like, papers don’t really make me happy.” She also mentioned that in LA its easier to find homeless people to steal clothing off of, and restaurants to not eat in. [Page Six]

At least they didn’t throw pies at her this time

Published by Rob on December 8, 2005 in Bitches and News. 1 Comment

Coulter-1Ann Coulter - the first person I know of to actually have the word “cunt” printed on her business cards - was booed offstage by an audience of UConn students yesterday. Coulter’s 15 minutes of spewing came to an abrupt end when the audience wouldn’t stop chanting “You suck!” Unfortunately, this didn’t happen until after she said that if she had a gay child, she’d tell him he was adopted. Oh, and a joke about Ted Kennedy’s drinking problem. Oh, Ann! Outrageous!

No word on whether the protesting students disagreed with her politics, or if they were merely literacy advocates who had read Coulter’s “writing.”

Ousted from the spotlight, the leggy blonde - the “sex symbol” only a sweaty, Oxycontin-addicted Republican could rub one out to - was forced to console herself backstage with the items in her personal appearance contract rider: a bottle of Grey Goose, a couple of Percocets, some carrots and a very big salt lick.

Hecklers disrupt Coulter’s speech at UConn [Hartford Courant]