Archive for January, 2006

About those Oscar nominations…

Published by Rob on January 31, 2006 in Celebs and Films. 7 Comments

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  • Will Hollywood’s hatred of racism provide a convenient cover for its fear of gays, as the blazingly mediocre Crash comes from behind (and not in the good way) to unseat Brokeback Mountain?
  • Will Michelle Williams learn to speak off-script in front of a camera?
  • How many times does Maria Bello have to show her vagina in a serious film to even get a nomination?
  • Same as above, but replace “Maria Bello” with “Scarlett Johansson,” and replace “vagina” with “rack.”
  • What if Keira Knightley had rabies? Could she rip out Reese Witherspoon’s throat with those ravenous-looking eyeteeth?
  • How many naked boys are celebrating at George Clooney’s confirmed-bachelor pad tonight?
  • Will Spike Lee and Jesse Jackson complain that the only Crash star to get nominated was a white guy?
  • Why get Mira Sorvino to announce the nominations, and not someone who’s won less than a decade ago? Does Sorvino sleep with her Oscar? Does she use it as a paperweight for all the scripts she gets sent from Lifetime Television?
  • Who will be Jake’s date?
  • Will Reese thank Joaquin?
  • Will Joaquin black out halfway through the ceremony?
  • If Paul Giamatti and Philip Seymour Hoffman win, will they be the least attractive pair of male acting winners ever? At least since Roberto Benigni and James Coburn?
  • Did you or do you plan to pay to see Mrs. Henderson Presents?
  • Will you still care about any of this in five long weeks, when the ceremony actually airs?
  • Do you care now?

Oscar’s Member(ship) to the PEN15 Club

Published by Jordan on January 31, 2006 in Films and News. 2 Comments

Nom AnncI’m sure Rob will have plenty to say about today’s Oscar nominations (and if he doesn’t, my sincere apologies to him for putting the pressure on), but I’d like to announce that Rob and I will be LIVE BLOGGING THE ACADEMY AWARDS right here at the PEN15 Club.

Of course, with all of the gin and champagne that will be flowing through our living room that day, we probably won’t get much farther than Clooney’s first scantily-masked pass at Matthew Macfadyen before we’re too incoherent to type, but we’re going to give it the ol’ college try all the same.

We’ll also be developing rules for the official PEN15 Club Academy Award Drinking Game, which will ensure that you, too, will be trashed by the time the red carpet extravaganza is over. Here’s a preview of what we’re working on:

  • Every time Don Cheadle looks like he’s taking himself far too seriously, take a drink
  • Every time Felicity Huffman is caught with another female actress on her lap, presumably to experience the prosthetic wang she still wears, take a drink
  • Every time you mistake Philip Seymour Hoffman for Michael Moore’s gayer brother, take a drink
  • Every time Michelle Williams acts as if someone just saved her mother from getting hit by a car, upon receiving a compliment, take a drink
  • Every time Ryan Philippe embarrasses himself in front of the camera while attempting to be funny/charming, swill your drink and shake your head to what could have been
  • Every time Heath Ledger seems to be acting gay, say “G’day mate” and see if you don’t sound gay, too
  • Every time Jake Gyllenhaal does, well, anything, gently squeeze your inner thigh and take a drink
  • Every time Dakota Fanning is allowed to talk, now’s probably a good time to use the bathroom

There will be plenty more by the time the Oscars come around, and remember to stop back to the PEN15 Club for all of your live blogging needs.

78th Academy Award Nominations [Oscars.org]

Heath minces his way out of an Oscar

Published by Rob on January 30, 2006 in Bitches, Celebs and Films. 3 Comments

200601301902 Does Heath Ledger hate gay people? The L.A. Times thinks so. Either Philip Seymour Hoffman’s publicist has gotten to columnist Elizabeth Snead, or the Gay Mafia genuinely has its panties in a twist over Ledger’s overly faggy behavior while introducing a clip from Brokeback Mountain at last night’s FAG - I mean, SAG - Awards.



I’m confused. I thought Heath was just a) a couple sheets to the wind and b) having trouble reading the teleprompter, a difficulty which befell presenters Catherine Keener and Peter Graves, both of whom seem like functionally literate people, so we’ll assume the text was moving too quickly or was too small. Also, I assumed Heath and Jake were giggling like schoolgirls because they were forced to read an insipid introduction that pretty much gave away the entire movie.

But some have apparently taken Ledger’s presentation as a vicious send-up of gay stereotypes:

Ledger kept putting his hands on his cocked hip as he read the teleprompter, acting like he was auditioning for the role of Carmen Ghia, the flamboyantly gay choreographer in “The Producers.” “It was insulting,” said one Hollywood insider after the show. “Heath lost a lot of support from the Hollywood gay community after that bizarre performance.”

Heath’s swishing and mincing was certifiably GLAAD-worthy, however, compared to some of the other stars’ anti-gay shenanigans, according to our spies at the ceremony. During a commercial break, George Clooney allegedly cornered Sean Hayes in the mens’ room, called him a sissy, and dunked him head-first in the toilet. After losing Best Supporting Actor to Paul Giamatti, Matt Dillon sodomized Giamatti and forced him to squeal like a pig. And after her show lost Best Comedy Series Cast to Desperate Housewives, Portia de Rossi called Marcia Cross a “self-loathing dyke.”

Guess they don’t call it the FAG Awards for nothing.

Ledger’s strange SAG behavior [The Envelope/L.A. Times]

The Pump Girls: Get your blood sugar on

Published by Jordan on January 27, 2006 in Bitches. 8 Comments

10If you were to tell me that I’d like “The Pump Girls,” I would assume you’re trying to get me to see the latest Chloe Sevigny movie or something.

But the truth is far, far more entertaining.

The Pump Girls is actually a pre-teen girlband made up of three diabetics. The band is so titled after the insulin pumps that they prominently display at all times. Their mission is to raise awareness of juvenile diabetes, and to lobby for more sugar-free candy vending machines. And, yes, they have a website. With pictures. (Did somebody think it’s my birthday?)

And if you’re wondering how one becomes a Pump Girl, Debbie’s bio reveals that it was her endocrinologist that told her the Pump Girls was one short. Which begs the question, what happened to the fourth Pump Girl? Some of the photos on the site show four Pump Girls, but more recent ones only show three. I’m imagining a tragic incident involving a dead battery and a plate of churros.

I know what you’re thinking: They can’t possibly sing about diabetes. But what you don’t know is that the Pump Girls can do anything they want. Just glance at the FAQ:

Q: So have The Pump Girls recorded any other CD’s?[sic]

A: They recorded a single entitled A1C in 2001. A1C refers to a medical test Type1 diabetics take to monitor their condition. The results of a hemoglobin A1C test reveal how effectively a person is managing their disease.

If A1C doesn’t whet your thirst for insulin-inspired electropop, check out some of the girls’ other tracks:

  • Slumber Parties are Awkward Because I Urinate Frequently
  • If I Start Shaking, I Might Be Dancing - But Call for Mom Just in Case
  • The Nurse Has My Glucose
  • Sometimes I Pretend It’s Heroin
  • I’d be Anorexic, but It Fucks With My Blood Sugar, and
  • I’m Glad I’m a Chick Because I Don’t Have to Worry About Impotence

And while those may be made up song titles, the song “We’re the Pump Girls” actually ends with the line, “More than just a toy, it’s [insulin pump] even good for boys. Not.” Game, set, match.

Michelle Rodriguez eats pussy

Published by Rob on January 26, 2006 in Celebs and TV. 2 Comments

200601262049 Ted Casablanca ran an interesting item yesterday about drunken Michelle Rodriguez freaking out everyone who works on Lost with the catchphrase “I’m gonna go eat some pussy!”

If you’ve seen Rodriguez in the movie Girlfight, this should hardly come as a revelation, but it’s sad that the crew of a show that has featured Dominic Monaghan, Ian Somerhalder and two former stars of Oz would be so homophobic.

I love the way Casablanca outs Rodriguez while pretending not to:

Yep, you heard it here first. The embattled babe is creeping out the cast and crew of Lost.

Sure, Ted. That’s the real story.

All raunchy on the set! [E! Online]

Aniston to tell all about telling all

Published by Jordan on January 26, 2006 in Celebs and News. 3 Comments

Jen Brad Last DaysI imagine that being married to or even dating Jennifer Aniston would be like someone offering you the same free pizza every day for the rest of your life, and you choosing pepperoni as its sole topping. While pepperoni pizza is good and all, you’re eventually going to wish you went with something with a little more zing, and a little less filled with grease and public resentment.

So who can blame Brad? As much as I’d love him to like the pepperoni, I just have to accept that he’s gone and changed his order to the (vertical) Canadian bacon and (giant, luscious) pineapple pizza pie.

But Jen? She can’t fucking let it go. And as if the countless magazine profiles, numerous talk show interviews, and abundance of weepy messages on my voice mail weren’t enough for the entire world to know how jealous/hurt/othergenericgirlfeeling she is about the divorce, she’s writing a tell all book to drive it home. I imagine it will be structured something like this:

Really, I’m Over It: The Story I Don’t Even Need to Tell, I’m So Over It - By J. Aniston

Chapter 1: People couldn’t always tell us apart

Chapter 2: He asked for it dirtier, and rehearsed moaning wasn’t enough

Chapter 3: C’mon. Meet Joe Black was totally worse than Rock Star

Chapter 4: Then, we had sex another time

Chapter 5: The vacancy in my womb

Chapter 6: Thick-lipped whore

Chapter 7: Little brown heartbreakers

Chapter 8: So, I’ve been crying a lot. Publicly.

Chapter 9: The month of Vince: I didn’t like abs much anyway

Chapter 10: Why can’t you just be happy with adoption?

Chapter 11: Holy fuck this would hurt if I weren’t so over it

Friends Push Jennifer Aniston to Write a Tell All Book [National Ledger]

Trailer Trash: Hey Lindsay, let’s think of some words that rhyme with “luck”

Published by Rob on January 26, 2006 in Bitches, Celebs and Films. 4 Comments

200601261930 We used to forgive Lindsay Lohan. We never thought she’d be the next Julianne Moore or anything, but for awhile there, she at least had Drew Barrymore potential: a confident, natural actress who’s unique yet relatable and knows her way around both a one-liner and a pratfall. Her vehicles - The Parent Trap, Freaky Friday, Mean Girls - were better than you’d expect and her success seemed to be having an inverse impact on the careers of the loathsome Hilary Duff and Amanda Bynes, which was a major plus.

Now, there’s no need to recap the PR crash-and-burn that La Lohan has endured over the last year and a half. But do you remember that movie she shot last year, the one whose production she kept ruining by collapsing and showing up late? It’s called Just My Luck, it comes out May 12, and the trailer is up and…wow.

We don’t expect a movie directed by Donald Petrie (who committed How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, the one film this PEN15er has ever walked out on) to actually be good - and we don’t condone the practice of judging a movie based on its trailer - but check out this pathetic premise: A fabulous young Manhattanite (Lohan) who always has incredible luck (aren’t you on her side already?) kisses a slightly poorer NYC hottie (anony-hunk Chris Pine) at a masquerade ball and, in a Freaky Friday-like swath of magical happenstance, their luck switches, with Pine growing wealthy and fabulous and Lohan, um, falling down a lot and taking a job in a bowling alley. In one scene, she apparently gets beaten up by a large black woman while in jail.

The film’s co-stars include not one but two castoffs of The O.C., Chris “Cro-Magnon” Carmack and Samaire “Mushmouth” Armstrong, along with a heavily made-up Tovah Feldshuh, who adopts a cartoon gypsy accent and asks, “Deed anyteeng unusual happen at that parrrrty?”

How does Lindsay think she’s going to support her coke habit with junk like this? If this were the ’80s, she’d be Ally Sheedy and this movie would be Maid to Order.

Just My Luck [Apple Movie Trailers]

Lindsay Lohan’s out of control [A Socialite’s Life]

Thank you for censoring

Published by Rob on January 25, 2006 in Celebs and Films. 3 Comments

200601252121 You may have heard that when the film Thank You for Smoking screened at Sundance this week, the absence of a sex scene between Aaron Eckhart and Katie Holmes came as a shock to those who had seen the movie at its world premiere at the Toronto Film Festival last fall - including the filmmakers.

Of course, everyone assumed that the unexpected snip was the result of a vast Scientologist conspiracy. (Silly media! What on earth have Tom Cruise and the Scientologists ever done that would warrant such suspicion?)

But no sooner did US Weekly and the like run with the “Tom doesn’t want anyone seeing Katie with another man, even in a fictional film!” story than Smoking director Jason Reitman fingered the real culprit: “something went wrong with the reel.”

Yes, Jason. Something went wrong with the reel. Something that excised the whole of a self-contained, 12-second scene and no other footage. Sure. See, Jason, the thing about being quoted in print media is that no one can see the gun that Lee Anne DeVette is pointing at your temple.

Reitman insisted, however, that the scene will be restored in time for the film’s March 17 opening. And then his bullet-riddled body was found at the bottom of Salt Lake.

No ‘Smoking’ sex for Katie [Yahoo!]

CW Next Tuesday

Published by Rob on January 24, 2006 in TV. 3 Comments

200601242115 In an attempt to prove that two wrongs can make a right, semi-networks The WB and UPN are merging into a new entity - The CW - that will premiere in the fall. The CW will feature the pre-existing networks’ few successful current shows, such as Gilmore Girls, Everybody Hates Chris, Smallville and Veronica Mars.

Yesterday, Jordan was kind enough to offer solutions to fill the (corn)hole left in NBC’s gay programming by the departure of Will and Grace. Now, to celebrate the genesis of The CW, I present what should be its flagship show: Raven’s Crossing.

Raven’s Crossing is an attempt to merge the WB’s core audience of stupid teen girls with UPN’s predilection for shuck-and-jive African-American minstrel-show sitcoms. It stars Raven-Symone as Raven, a 16-year-old aspiring singer/private detective from the inner city who is bused to an upscale suburban high school. Tyra Banks plays her mother, a recovering crack addict who is only 12 years Raven’s senior.

At her new school, Raven and her best friend Dakota (Dakota Johnson) must fight racism and vampires as they struggle to conceal Superman’s true identity. Then the homeboys from outer space show up and Tyra sends somebody home. Denise Richards has a recurring role as a gym teacher. Will and Jada Pinkett Smith are credited as executive producers, and Kevin Williamson wrote the pilot. In episode 3, Dakota makes a pass at Raven. Special appearance by Chad Michael Murray’s giant nipples.

I think that about covers it - it’s the tighest 21 minutes and 32 seconds on TV. Also, I’m not sure what “The CW” tastes for, but I have a feeling it’s “Cursed Waste.”

Rival nets elope, give birth to CW [Variety]

NBC cancels ‘Will & Grace’ when someone discovered it’s still on

Published by Jordan on January 23, 2006 in News and TV. 1 Comment

Willgrace.071900“Will & Grace” got bad even faster than “The Simpsons.” Anyone who has accidentally seen an episode in the last, say, four years knows that what was once the hallmark of gay primetime quickly degraded into a show about a fag and an eccentric middle aged woman sitting on the couch making fun of celebrities and giggling at each other.

And if Megan Mullally were a bit more like Rob, it would be a show about my life – which is the last show I or anyone else would want to watch.

Of course, the departure of “Will & Grace” leaves a gaping gay hole in the NBC lineup. And as if gaping gay holes are hard to fill in Hollywood, the PEN15 Club would like to suggest a few replacements:

  • Jaime Foxx stars as a brother on the DL who ends up in a relationship with Martin Lawrence. The catch is that Lawrence is outfitted in the same costume he donned in Big Momma’s House (1 and 2), and the show is called “Star ‘n’ Al.”
  • Ed O’Neill returns to primetime television as the husbear to a grown David Faustino, an overpaid advertising executive. The sitcom is called “Civil Union’d With No Children.”
  • The dramatic story of a band of tweaked out gay teens living in West Hollywood turns into a mystery when the youngest, blondest bottom turns up dead with lethal amounts of crystal meth in his system. It’s called “The OD,” and stars Ryan Carnes, of course.
  • David E. Kelly creates a show called “Boston Marriage.” It’s all about lesbians and their first dates.
  • Ryan Seacrest and Anderson Cooper get a show together, which they take very, very seriously.
  • “Survivor - Fire Island” is a CBS import, but the players consist of all gay men who have to complete daunting challenges, such as playing tennis in sandals, rollerblading, and cruising while wearing a fake unibrow.
  • “Glossed” – it’s a lot like “Lost” but they don’t talk about religion as much and spend much more time waxing Josh Holloway’s chest.