I imagine that being married to or even dating Jennifer Aniston would be like someone offering you the same free pizza every day for the rest of your life, and you choosing pepperoni as its sole topping. While pepperoni pizza is good and all, you’re eventually going to wish you went with something with a little more zing, and a little less filled with grease and public resentment.
So who can blame Brad? As much as I’d love him to like the pepperoni, I just have to accept that he’s gone and changed his order to the (vertical) Canadian bacon and (giant, luscious) pineapple pizza pie.
But Jen? She can’t fucking let it go. And as if the countless magazine profiles, numerous talk show interviews, and abundance of weepy messages on my voice mail weren’t enough for the entire world to know how jealous/hurt/othergenericgirlfeeling she is about the divorce, she’s writing a tell all book to drive it home. I imagine it will be structured something like this:
Really, I’m Over It: The Story I Don’t Even Need to Tell, I’m So Over It - By J. Aniston
Chapter 1: People couldn’t always tell us apart
Chapter 2: He asked for it dirtier, and rehearsed moaning wasn’t enough
Chapter 3: C’mon. Meet Joe Black was totally worse than Rock Star
Chapter 4: Then, we had sex another time
Chapter 5: The vacancy in my womb
Chapter 6: Thick-lipped whore
Chapter 7: Little brown heartbreakers
Chapter 8: So, I’ve been crying a lot. Publicly.
Chapter 9: The month of Vince: I didn’t like abs much anyway
Chapter 10: Why can’t you just be happy with adoption?
Chapter 11: Holy fuck this would hurt if I weren’t so over it
Friends Push Jennifer Aniston to Write a Tell All Book [National Ledger]
I would most certainly skip to the chapter on little brown heartbreakers.
Judging by those nude pictures of Pitt a few years ago, there’s not that much to talk about.
I think this could be a bigger failure than Rumor Has It or the marriage itself.