Archive for February, 2006

More pre-Oscar agita

Published by Rob on February 28, 2006 in Celebs, Films and Rants. 1 Comment

200602282255 Presumptive Best Actress winner Reese Witherspoon breaks Julia Roberts’ record for female star salaries. Which is good, ’cause if Julia had ever given a performance 1/3 as good as Reese’s in Election, we’d stop making fun of her horse teeth.

The awesome Matt Zoller Seitz writes that if Crash beats Brokeback Mountain, “it’ll claim a new title: the most indefensible Best Picture win since 1956’s tax shelter spectacle Around the World in 80 Days.” Favorite observation (posted by MZS in his own Comments section): “It’s like Short Cuts directed by Maury Povich.”

Paris Hilton’s acting coach must have a devious sense of humor. I hope the same goes for Charlize Theron.

Reese officially makes more money than America’s sweetheart [Popsugar]

Anything but this [The House Next Door]

Paris Hilton is really this stupid [I Don’t Like You In That Way]

KKKristian Momz explain why the rest of us should hate “Housewives”

Published by Rob on February 28, 2006 in Gunts and TV. 6 Comments

200602282128 The One Million Moms of the American Family Association dismounted from their double-wide vibrators last Friday to issue a press release in which they declare war on all sponsors of Desperate Housewives. We’ll gladly agree that DH is testing our patience this season, but the show’s ungodliness certainly has nothing to do with it.

As far as we’re concerned, Jesus and his followers can go straight to bed after Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. You know, after the deserving poor families (the ones whose fathers fought in the war, or who have sick children - not those lazy, shiftless ones who got divorced or were born black) have moved into their new houses thanks to that shirtless freak Ty Pennington, the Patrick Swayze of reality television.

Anyway, the AFA thinks that because they don’t like Housewives - with its adultery (!), homosexuality (!!) and cameltoe-friendly wardrobe (!!!) - nobody should be able to. (Fascism in action, folks; thanks, JC!) Here’s why:

Some people have said to pro-family viewers who dislike indecent network TV programming simply to turn it off, [AFA Chairman Don] Wildmon notes. In response, he asks, “Why should we have to do that? Why do our children need to be exposed to such trash? Why do the networks keep putting out trash?”

Also, the pro-family spokesman wants to know, will critics of the OneMillionMoms.com and OneMillionDads.com campaigns against media indecency next tell pro-family viewers “that if we don’t like drunk drivers on the highway, to stay off the highway?”

Wildmon notes that, according to ABC, “Desperate Housewives” is viewed by 15 million people weekly. What that means, he says, is that 265 million people do not watch the show but still end up paying for it by purchasing its sponsors’ products.

Wow. I haven’t heard Don Wildmon get that hot and bothered since he stole my virginity when I was 7. Nor have I heard reasoning that specious since he told me that, unless I kept my mouth shut and sat on a whiffle ball bat for 30 minutes a day, I wouldn’t get into heaven.

The AFA believes that if its alleged 2 million “online supporters” (whaddya wanna bet that’s their total all-time visitor count, including repeats?) have enough purchasing power to significantly impact the bottom line of any company that dares to buy ad time during DH. Too bad ultra-absorbent maxi-pads, mustache wax and cat food aren’t significant sponsors of the show.

AFA warns sponsors to separate from “Desperate Housewives” [Agape]

Brown Rice and Evian

Published by Jordan on February 28, 2006 in Bitches, Gunts, News and Politics. 1 Comment

Condoleezza Rice 2To prove that she knows how to use more fitness machines than the Ronco Mouth Stretcher, Condoleezza Rice is allowing an NBC news affiliate to film her morning workout routine.

We’ve been lucky enough to preview Ms. Rice’s exercise tips, and are proud to present them to you now:

  1. Do 3 sets of 12 (State) Reps for increased (wedge issue) support
  2. Pretend like you enjoy holding medicine balls even though you’d rather molest use that thigh master
  3. To achieve that arching fivehead, try Helen Hunt’s signature pilates move, “The Grand Dome”
  4. Spend as much time in the sauna as possible. Something’s bound to happen
  5. Strap on those gloves and take a few whacks at the hooded, naked Iraqi in the corner
  6. Let W hold your feet when you’re doing sit-ups - just be sure to handle the counting yourself
  7. Indian Leg Wrestling is a fun and healthy exercise – except for when it’s with Alberto Gonzales. Then it’s Mexican Leg Wrestling, which is far more dangerous
  8. The gap in my teeth? Ironically, it’s from boxing Barbara Boxer
  9. The stationary bike is great cardio… if you can get Barney Frank to put the seat back on it
  10. Squats. And lots of them

Rice shares workout tips on television [Yahoo! News]

Salvation in 30-minutes or it’s free!

Published by Jordan on February 27, 2006 in News. 6 Comments

Pizza With JesusThe founder of Domino’s Pizza, Tom Monaghan, has decided to build a town in Florida to be run “according to strict Catholic principles.”

The town will be centered around a Catholic university and will house 30,000 residents. According to The Times online, retail space in the town is already 60% full. Undoubtedly 15% of that is with pizza shops, 10% luxury clothiers for when Bridget Hilliard comes to visit, two Quiznos, a Planned Parenthood - Catholic Version (just a shop that hands out a calendar and some mouthwash), and the worst sushi bar known to man. Interestingly, the town will be vacant of taxi cabs, dry cleaners, and whatever kinds of stores are normally run by Jews (a video store?)

On the upside, coinciding with Monaghan’s town – called Heatonsville – will likely be the creation of the country’s largest gay community just a few blocks up the street. Although most of its inhabitants will only be around at night; during the day they’ll go back to being priests in Heatonsville.

Not that you didn’t expect a gay priest joke…

‘Pizza pope’ builds a Catholic heaven [Times Online]

Episode 2 - The PEN15 Club Podcast

Published by Jordan on February 26, 2006 in Podcast. 8 Comments

P15PodcastWe’re back with the long-awaited episode 2 of the PEN15 Club Podcast. This week, we dish out some celebrity news/gossip, play a rousing game of “Would You Rather…?,” dig on olympian egos, and let you know who’s bottoming for Jon Stewart.

The list of topics for Episode 2:

  1. Start: Introductions, tone setting, etc.
  2. The News: Bridget Hilliard, Rita Cosby, Hoodlums, Clooney, and Mrs. Priceless (0:01:22)
  3. Song 1: “Over and Over Again” by Clap Your Hands and Say Yeah (00:19:33)
  4. Segment 2: Gyllenhaal at the BAFTAs, Olympic athlete arrogance (00:22:40)
  5. Song 2: “Cul-De-Sac” by Teenage Fanclub (00:44:58)
  6. Segment 3: Project Runway predictions, listener response question, goodbyes (00:49:14)
  7. Song 3: “The Greatest” by Cat Power (00:5549)

This week’s Listener Response Question is: Create your own adventure - the Oscar Afterparties. What went down? Email all responses to podcast-at-pen15club-dot-net and we’ll read the best ones on the next show.

Enjoy!

BREAKING NEWS: Bridget Hilliard sells out!

Published by Rob on February 25, 2006 in Bitches, Gunts and Star Jones Reynolds. 6 Comments

200602251719 You heard it here first, folks. Those of you who were hoping to score those $100 tickets to Dr. Bridget Hilliard’s birthday gala are shit out of luck.

In a related story, every boutique and fabric store in Houston has been entirely cleaned out of gold lamé. And the city’s dry cleaners have caused a run on whatever it is they use to get chocolate out of “cream formal.”

Praise Jesus, Dr. Bridge’s self-fundraiser is a bigger smash than Madea’s Family Reunion!

Earlier: Jesus saves…enough for a Louis Vuitton bag?

There goes Julianne’s Revlon contract

Published by Rob on February 25, 2006 in Bitches and Celebs. 4 Comments

200602250920 Occasional actress/full-time socialite/”Amber Atkins’ mom” Ellen Barkin received “significantly more” from new ex-hubby Ron Perelman - the Revlon billionaire not to be confused with Hellboy - than the $20 million outlined in her prenup.

We wonder if the settlement will have any impact on Barkin’s best friend Julianne Moore, who conveniently enjoyed massive Revlon-spokesmodel exposure during the Barkin/Perelman marriage. (Here, the two actresses feel each other up on the set of Moore’s husband’s comedy Trust the Man, due in August, while Maggie Gyllenhaal watches. And then kisses Barkin. Don’t you totally wanna see it now?) Sounds like a bad month for Julianne, between this and Freedomland.

Congrats to Barkin, though. By divorcing Perelman, she joins a long list of the former CEO’s now fabulously wealthy ex-wives, including gossip reporter Claudia Cohen, who apparently used her $80 million to undergo a series of surgical treatments to make her look like Gizmo, the friendly Mogwai from Gremlins.

Perelman makes up for heartache [NY Daily News]

On the set of Trust the Man [Open All Night]

PEN15 Drippings: 2/24/06

Published by Rob on February 24, 2006 in Celebs and Drippings. 0 Comments

200602240016 We’re totally into JustJared’s post-Blogger format, almost as much as we’d love to get into Daniel Craig’s tight black swimsuit. [JustJared]

Anne Hathaway gets the award for Official First Great Post-Brokeback Career Move, signing to star in 40-Year-Old Virgin auteur Judd Apatow’s forthcoming comedy Knocked Up. It’s about exactly what you think it is. [Hollywood Reporter]

I totally know where you can get laid in Malden, like, right now. Except it’ll probably be really crowded for awhile, thank you very much, Herald. [Boston Herald]

Colin Farrell is the new Tom Cruise. No, he’s not mobilizing an entourage of yes-men to kidnap teenage hustlers so that he can have sex with said hustlers, and then paying said entourage to murder said hustlers and dispose of their corpses in the LaBrea tar pits (allegedly). He’s just started suing people. [I Don’t Like You in That Way]

Cinema is Dead, Example 499: For the second time in less than a month, a major motion picture opens in which a man dresses up as an obese, Southern black granny. [Rotten Tomatoes]

How do you say “high altitude fucks” in Turkish?

Published by Jordan on February 22, 2006 in Films and News. 13 Comments

Ik2Forgive me for being so Brokeback Mountain heavy lately. It’s just that as the movie gets seen by more and more foreigners and middler Americans, more and more newsworthy things happen. For instance, we learned today that in Turkey, the movie will be released as Ibne Kovboylar, which actually translates to “faggot cowboys.” Gosh. Would someone tell Turkey that they’re not cowboys? They’re shepherds!

But really, are you surprised? I mean Turkey, after all, has a tendency to butcher movie titles into terribly literal translations. Take, for example:

  • Walk the Line released as “The Pointy-chinned Whore and the Sweaty Drunk”
  • North Country released as “She’s Not a Dyke in This One; She Just Looks Like One”
  • Capote released as “The Broken Hearts Club II”
  • Transamerica released as “The Nicolette Sheridan Story”
  • Good Night and Good Luck released as “The Sound of America Patting Itself on the Back”
  • Batman Begins released as “The Caped Codpiece”
  • Charlie and the Chocolate Factory released as “Faggot Umpaloompas”
  • March of the Penguins released as “Dinner’s Gettin’ Cold”

Update: As our Turkish friend has pointed out, the “Faggot Cowboys” title is the name printed on the unofficial/pirated DVDs, not the official release title. Also, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is not being released as “Faggot Umpaloompas” - it’s being released as “Fags love their chocolate.”

Faggot Cowboys [Screenhead]

The lowdown on Star’s take on the downlow

Published by Rob on February 21, 2006 in Bitches, Gunts and Star Jones Reynolds. 4 Comments

200602212140 An intrepid reporter from the Dallas Voice found it odd that PEN15 muse Star Jones Reynolds’ memoir Shine offers lengthy advice to African-American women in search of the right man, yet totally ignores the prevalent problem of black men on the downlow. As we all know, the epidemic of closeted African-American men switching teams unsafely has resulted in a disproportionately high rate of HIV affection among black women.

So he asked her about it. And eluded to reports of Big Gay Al’s toga-clad Fire Island exploits. And, hilariously, she freaked out and hung up on him. But only after getting all dewy about AIDS as a women’s health problem. Here’s to hypocrisy, Star!

At the link: All this and some delicious glamour shots of the recently rhinoplasty-ed Mrs. Reynolds.

Star crossed [Dallas Voice]