I imagine that the pregnant Gwyneth Paltrow gave her husband, Coldplay leadman Chris Martin, an ultimatum: Either he spend more time at home brainstorming more ridiculous names for their future children, leaving his band behind, or he go on entertaining the fags of the world with his buttery music while she return to the States for the divorce proceedings. He chose the former, and announced the split up of Coldplay at a British awards show.
And now, I’m on the fence. If my theory is true (which it is, I’m sure), Gwynnie caused a band which I consider to be somewhat enjoyable to meet its untimely demise, but she also assured for all of us that she would be staying out of the US for the foreseeable future. See? A silver lining to every stomach.
But the point remains: This woman is evil and ruining the world. She must be stopped.
Just look at today’s top stories and see which ones she’s caused:
- Melting of Atlantic glaciers speeds up [CNN] – Caused when an Eskimo living on the glacier Netflix’d Duets, and nature sought revenge
- Iranian bakeries rename Danish pastries [CNN] – The new anti-Danish pastry name, Roses of the Prophet Mohammed, was taken from the alleged name of Paltrow’s next child
- President: Cheney ‘profoundly affected’ by shooting [CNN] – The shooting of the film Shallow Hal
Coldplay Not Going Cold Turkey [E! Online]
First she broke up Ben and Matt, now Coldplay.
First she broke up Ben and Matt, now Coldplay.