Archive for February, 2006

No one wants to marry Boy George

Published by Rob on February 21, 2006 in Bitches, Celebs and Gunts. 3 Comments

200602212114 Boy George feels left out. What with all the other tubby, over-the-hill, gay British pop stars - like George Michael and Elton John - marrying their boyfriends, you’d think Boy would be thrilled for his peers.

But no. Sadly, Boy’s money troubles have left him unfit to be a sugar daddy, and years of hard living have rendered his appearance…well, you’re looking at the photo. So Boy has reacted by slamming the institution of man-on-man marriage, saying:

Gay unions, what is that all about? I haven’t been invited to any ceremonies and I wouldn’t go anyway. The idea that gay people have to mimic what obviously doesn’t work for straight people anymore, I think is a bit tragic. I’m looking forward to gay divorces.

This would be a halfway-interesting, anti-assimilationist point-of-view if it weren’t so obviously fueled by George’s hurt feelings over not being invited to Elton and David’s man-nuptials.

Boy George ridicules same-sex marriages [Digital Spy]

Char-lez to feast on Kate’s moss?

Published by Rob on February 20, 2006 in Celebs and Films. 0 Comments

200602202040-1 Here’s the best probably-bullshit casting rumor we’ve heard in eons: Some unattributed blog claims that Ang Lee will direct Charlize Theron in a biopic of soulful, Sapphic singer Dusty Springfield. Sounds plausible enough, but here’s the kicker - rumor has it that Kate “Ring of Fire” Moss is on the shortlist to play Dusty’s lesbian luv-ah.

Theron - who box-chowed her way to an Oscar in Monster - is all anyone needs to prove that models can sometimes act, but Moss? She’s barely up to the roles of “alert” and “employable” in real life. And is Ang Lee really so eager to jump back on the homo train after Brokeback?

Still, just the mental image of Charlize, in a heavily teased wig, belting out “Son a Preacher Man” and then leaping into the sack with La Moss fills us with frissons of joy. And we’re psyched to see Lee tackle a doomed same-sex love story with two X chromosomes. I can just hear it now: “If you can’t fist it, you gotta stand it.”

Time for female Brokeback [Gabsmash]

The shirt off my Brokeback

Published by Jordan on February 20, 2006 in News and Style. 0 Comments

RtsleevesrcEbay has auctioned off the two bloodstained spooning shirts worn by Jack and Ennis in Brokeback Mountain for $101,100.51. Sadly, the studio has reportedly cleaned most of the bloodstains off of the shirtsleeves, but lucky for us, the spatters of santorum remain around the bottom (and by “the bottom” I mean both Jake and his shirt).

All proceeds from the auction are being donated to Variety - The Children’s Charity. That’s right. Hundreds of physically challenged children will now get to enjoy higher-quality jell-o treats bought with the money paid by two fags who desperately want to reenact famous cowboy sex scenes with the utmost authenticity. Follow that?

One potential buyer asks the seller, “… is this Shirt bulletproof, I read in a interview with Ang lee that they had a bulletproof shirt made for the film.” Silly bidder. Ang didn’t say “bulletproof.” He said “impenetrable.” And that was just a little fib he told Heath to make him feel more secure around Randy Quaid.

Jack’s shirts from Brokeback Mountain! [Ebay]

PEN15 Drippings: Oscar Edition

Published by Rob on February 19, 2006 in Bitches, Celebs, Drippings and Films. 0 Comments

200602191705 There are only two weeks left until the Gay Super Bowl (to be live-blogged right here at The PEN15 Club), so we figured we’d contribute to the blogosphere’s sustained echo chamber of Academy handjobbing:

  • Jake begins to crawl out of Heath’s somber, Australian acting shadow, taking the Best Supporting Actor prize at the BAFTAs (aka the Limey Oscars - it’s the same statue, but with worse teeth), while Heath loses Best Actor (again) to Philip Seymour Hoffman. Meanwhile, Brokeback continues its Sherman’s March-like pillaging of the precursors by winning Picture, Director and Screenplay. [Sky News]
  • Another reason why Rachel Weisz is now a virtual Supporting Actress lock: She was born in 1971, and the last three winners in that category - Cate Blanchett, Renee Zellweger and Catherine Zeta-Jones - were all born in ‘69 (I know what you’re thinking, but we’ll give CZJ the benefit of the doubt). If the trend continues, Weisz is a much stronger candidate to take the prize than young ‘uns Michelle Williams (b. 1980) and Amy Adams (’75), or mature quails Catherine Keener (’60) and Frances McDormand (’57).
  • Another reason why Reese Witherspoon continues to be a mortal Best Actress lock: no actress over 40 has won the award since Susan Sarandon 10 years ago. Sorry, Felicity.
  • Onetime Best Actress Halle Berry shows monster balls, acting like kind of a bitch while in Boston to accept her Hasty Pudding award. Although, to be fair, the Harvard queers forced her to spend the evening at 33, drinking $7 domestic beer and making small talk with the Eurotrash. [Boston Herald]

Pale male spotted in Sydney

Published by Rob on February 18, 2006 in Celebs. 2 Comments

200602181000 TomKat capitalized on the death of “Australia’s richest man,” Kerry Packer, by using his funeral as a media-friendly excuse to frolic in the Down Under sunshine, thus allaying tabloid-driven fears that the First Couple of $cientology has hit the skids.

And all in Nicole Kidman’s homeland. For shame, Tom.

We’re glad, however, that La Cruise is finally soaking up some sun. All those long days sitting inside “working the E-meter” have left girlfriend pasty.

Tom & Katie’s Australia trip [Entertainment Tonight]

But we’ve already seen her pussy galore

Published by Rob on February 16, 2006 in Celebs and Films. 1 Comment

200602162305 It was the role no woman wanted, but now Eva Green has been cast as Vesper Lind, the latest vaguely European-sounding love interest/femme fatale for James Bond. Casino Royale’s producers have had so much trouble getting any name actress to take on the career-killing albatross that is the Bond girl mantle that they began production with the role still unfilled.

Green is the buck-toothed French actress best known for giving us a close-up of her labia in Bertolucci’s The Dreamers. She was also in the Orlando Bloom Crusade movie Kingdom of Heaven, which you didn’t see, possibly because it starred Orlando Bloom and was about the Crusades.

I’m sure the Bond team is relieved that they’ve finally found their girl. Word has it the producers’ next choice was actually Die Another Day director Lee Tamahori, who could provide his own wardrobe.

Newest Bond girl has been chosen [MSNBC]

Director Lee Tamahori arrested for solicitation while in drag [Queery]

Bondage so degrading even Angelina won’t do it [PEN15 Club]

Coldplay splits: Gays rush on Gwyneth

Published by Jordan on February 16, 2006 in Bitches, Celebs, News and Rants. 2 Comments

ColdplaybigI imagine that the pregnant Gwyneth Paltrow gave her husband, Coldplay leadman Chris Martin, an ultimatum: Either he spend more time at home brainstorming more ridiculous names for their future children, leaving his band behind, or he go on entertaining the fags of the world with his buttery music while she return to the States for the divorce proceedings. He chose the former, and announced the split up of Coldplay at a British awards show.

And now, I’m on the fence. If my theory is true (which it is, I’m sure), Gwynnie caused a band which I consider to be somewhat enjoyable to meet its untimely demise, but she also assured for all of us that she would be staying out of the US for the foreseeable future. See? A silver lining to every stomach.

But the point remains: This woman is evil and ruining the world. She must be stopped.

Just look at today’s top stories and see which ones she’s caused:



Coldplay Not Going Cold Turkey [E! Online]

Willie Nelson: “Cowboys are Frequently, Secretly (Fondling Each Other)”

Published by Jordan on February 15, 2006 in News. 3 Comments

Willie NelsonThanks to everyone that sent this in today, but to let you in on a little secret, Rob and I were actually the inspiration for Willie Nelson’s gay cowboy song, “Cowboys are Frequently, Secretly (Fond of Each Other).” I’m only kidding. By the time this song was written in the early 80s, Rob and I had already moved off the ranch and were recovering from nasty coke habits.

Is it any surprise that gay cowboy themed media and entertainment is can-caning out of the woodwork after the wild success of Eating Out? (Okay, maybe not many people saw it, but any movie where you get a schlong shot of Ryan Carnes is a raging success in my mind.) Now we have a gay-themed song produced by Willie Nelson last year (sheesh! It was before the gay cowboy craze. Honestly!) and released today.

I went onto iTunes to download the track and noticed something very typical of the trend-mooching entertainment industry. Just yesterday, the iTunes Music Store looked like this:

Picture 1-1

And today? It looked like this:

Top69Songs

Typical!

Willie Nelson releases gay cowboy song [Boston.com]

Jesus saves…enough for a Louis Vuitton bag?

Published by Rob on February 14, 2006 in Bitches, Gunts and Star Jones Reynolds. 14 Comments

200602142222 Dear readers, my birthday is coming up March 12, and I have learned that I am fortunate enough to share this special occasion with a true warrior of the Lord: Dr. Bridget Hilliard.

Bridget is a co-founder of New Light Christian Center Church in Houston, Texas, as well as the recipient of an Honorary Doctorate in Humane Letters from the (non-accredited) Friends International Christian University.

Recently, some helpful bitches at Datalounge clued me in to the news that dear Bridge is throwing herself an “exquisite affair” in honor of her 50th! For some reason those silly homos are under the mistaken impression that Bridget is the sister of the divine Miss Star Jones Reynolds! Why ever might that be?!

Could it be because our dear shepherdess is charging her flock $100 a head to attend her “exquisite” celebration of her menopausal, Jesus-lovin’ self? That “attire” includes “black tie for men” and “cream (!) or gold (!!) formal for women?” And that, on top of the entrance fee, she suggests that guests regale her with “monetary gifts, designer handbags (Gucci, Chanel, Louis Vuitton) and gift certificates (Neiman Marcus, Saks Fifth Avenue, Escada)”?

Perhaps daunted by an influx of prank phone calls from the Datalounge crew (as well as mocking coverage in the Houston Press), Bridget has respectfully added a disclaimer before the “gift ideas” page on her birthday website. The self-proclaimed “First Lady like no other with a compassion towards God’s people that is immeasurable” may be flush in Gucci come March 13, but what bitch really needs is a copy of Elements of Style.

Now I don’t have a convenient non-profit faith-based organization through which to funnel my birthday largesse, but seeing as I share the day with the esteemed (Honorary) Dr. (from a non-accredited “university”) Hilliard, I’m gonna throw my own party. It costs $10 to get in (which is just to cover the cost of renting the VFW), and suggested gift ideas include a willingness to make out with me. As for “cream formal,” we can save that till the end of the night.

You are cordially invited to an exquisite affair in honor of Dr. Bridget Hilliard’s 50th birthday [New Light Ministries]

Star Jones’ sister [Datalounge]

Let there be gifts [Houston Press]

Wet hot American slummer

Published by Rob on February 13, 2006 in Celebs and Famous PEN15s. 3 Comments

200602132228 Remember when Helen Hunt and Kevin Spacey were shooting Pay It Forward together, and they kept appearing at awards shows as each other’s date? Yeah, I feel roughly the same amount of heat coming from Jennifer Esposito and Bradley Cooper, who keep showing up at events arm-in-arm, sporting painfully fake smiles.

No matter how many press lines these two work together, I can’t shake the feeling that the only red carpet Esposito is interested in belongs to Lindsay Lohan, or maybe Bryce Dallas Howard. As for Bradley? Well, let’s just say that somewhere, Victor Garber is staring at this photo and weeping softly, saying “Why Bradley? Why?”