Archive for February, 2006

Gayface II: Son of Gayface

Published by Jordan on February 12, 2006 in Features. 24 Comments

Tonight was supposed to be the night Rob and I record episode two of the PEN15 Podcast. However, several feet of snow on the ground is preventing him from schlepping over here. And no matter what you hear, his inability to trek across town has nothing to do with him calling me at 1:15pm… shitfaced… in the middle of a “Project Runway” marathon. Alas, forgive us, dear readers/listeners. Episode two will have to wait.

A few months ago, I wrote a post on a phenomenon called Gayface. As it turns out, the post seemed to put into writing what everyone secretly knew, but had no idea how to express: There are people whose faces just look gay. Within days, I had people emailing me photos of ex-boyfriends, brothers, roommates, and, in one case, a Catholic bishop to see if I could detect hints of Gayface. I had strangers stopping me in the halls of my office building to try out their rehearsed Gayfaces on me (to see what I mean, see my trials). Gayface was quickly becoming the new Gayvoice.

At the end of that post, I promised a Part II. And after a couple months and a little more research, I’m back to share the next chapter in the series on Gayface. Read on, friends.

Continue reading ‘Gayface II: Son of Gayface’

Things we learned from tonight’s “Desperate Housewives”

Published by Rob on February 12, 2006 in TV. 3 Comments

2006021222131. An uninsured person can be diagnosed with a grave medical condition, yet still acquire coverage during the week between diagnosis and major surgery, all thanks to the magic of quickie weddings.

2. People from Communist countries - especially those Chinese - really just long to taste the sweet air of freedom, even if it means having to wait on spoiled American bitches for minimum wage. (This is an off-shoot of the important Crash lesson that rich white women are really very lonely, and need to stop and notice the kindly Latino maids that secretly love them.)

3. Gay men still refer to their boyfriends as “life partners.”

4. Differences of opinion in the workplace can be solved by eating a pound of raw bacon. Also, at ad agencies, every employee uses the word “pitch” in every sentence, whether as a noun or a verb.

5. Retarded people have superhuman strength, and are basically docile unless you corner them. Like Frankenstein.

Dick hunt

Published by Rob on February 12, 2006 in Bitches, Celebs and Politics. 4 Comments

200602121617-1 Frighteningly Mr. Burns-esque Vice President Dick Cheney cemented his reputation for cartoonish supervillainy Saturday by “accidentally” shooting his 78-year-old hunting buddy. The old man, Texas attorney Harry Whittington, was “alert and doing fine” after being rushed to the hospital.

Why did Cheney shoot Whittington in the first place? Sources say that when Whittington was talking about a “duck hunt,” Cheney thought he was referring to the VP’s wife, Lynne. This made Cheney angry, although he himself has called her much worse. Reports say Cheney “sprayed [Whittington] with shotgun pellets,” making it the most unfortunate spraying involving a high-level White House staffer since Karl Rove ruined his favorite rentboy’s futon.

Cheney accidentally shoots hunting buddy [CNN]

The old man and the B movie

Published by Rob on February 11, 2006 in Celebs and Films. 4 Comments

200602111026 While a pathetic 18% of Firewall reviews are positive, a decisive 98% of critics think 63-year-old Harrison Ford is too fucking old to be running away from people, beating up bad guys and siring children with Virginia Madsen. Our favorite jabs at Grampa Ford’s age in his latest attempt at having a hit in this millennium:

“Harrison Ford needs a better agent. Or a sharper pair of reading glasses for perusing scripts.” - Claudia Puig, USA Today



“…he simultaneously comes off as too gruffly physical to be a cerebral, computer-savvy bank executive and security systems expert, and yet too geriatric to be a rock ‘em, sock ‘em villain-trouncing avenger.” - Nick Schager, Slant Magazine

“Ford seems irritated to have to work at all at an age when other professionals, with less expensive support teams and alimonies, are eyeing retirement.” - Michael Atkinson, Village Voice

“Harrison Ford is 63, but he’s still every bit as spry as a 62-year-old…he still does his own grunts.” - Phil Villarreal, Arizona Daily Star

Hopefully this reception will permanently nail the coffin of those pesky Indiana Jones 4 rumors. Sounds like tough times for Harrison’s career, though. Does Ashton Kutcher need somebody to play his grandfather in something? At least Harrison gets to go home and be greeted by that delightful gamine Calista Flockhart. Oh wait - she looks like this now.

Firewall [Rottentomatoes]

It’s Ally versus Harri [The Sun]

PEN15 Drippings: 2/9/06

Published by Rob on February 9, 2006 in Celebs, Drippings and TV. 6 Comments

200602091851

  • At the Grammys, Teri Hatcher proves yet again that her TV role as a desperate divorcee is hardly a stretch, plus she stole my favorite underwear… [CBS News]
  • …while Moo-riah gets no chance to haul her ass onstage and accept an award during the part of the show that actually makes it to air. [E! Online]
  • This FYC ad for Brokeback Mountain makes us cream our dungarees… [Hollywood Reporter]
  • …and an elegy for Arrested Development - ending its run tomorrow night against the opening ceremonies of the Olympics (thanks, Fox!) - causes our eyes to moisten. [The Boston Globe]
  • Nick gets the shaft on Project Runway after managing the previously unfathomable achievement of making Daniel V. look girlier. This despite the fact that Santino - who must have a sweetheart deal with Satan - designed a hideous Emma Peel jumpsuit that not only made poor Kara look like she had three asses, but was actually falling apart at the seams. [Bravotv.com]
  • Fuck Scarlett and Keira, I’m buying the Vanity Fair Hollywood issue just for this dreamy shot of Joaquin Phoenix. And look, no frog in his hair! [JustJared]
  • Curious George wants to sell your kids a bunch of crap. [Reuters]

Johnny Weir the heart lies

Published by Jordan on February 8, 2006 in News. 49 Comments

Johnny Home PageHe has the face of Paul Rubens, the hair of Nick Nolte, and the fashion sense of a gay dolphin caught in a fishing net while reenacting a scene from Showgirls. What’s not to love about U.S. Olympic figure skater Johnny Weir?

While the kid’s not exactly our style, we admire his balls. And not because we can see them through almost everything he wears — because it takes a galvanized pair to be young, “in the spotlight,” and so unabashedly gay that you can make Boston Globe reporters blush.

Apparently the lad has raised a bit of a ruckus about how, uh, rustic the Olympic athlete housing is — and yet somehow his costume designer still has a job. He refers to himself as “princessy” in the aforementioned Globe article, and the reporter instantly labels him as “outspoken.”

But get this - he wants to write a tell-all book when he’s done with the sport, and you know it’s going to be so-fucking-much better than Aniston’s:

I’ve been through the ringer and I know everything and I’ve seen everything that goes on. There are so many skeletons in the closet in figure skating, and there’s a lot of stuff that goes down that people don’t know about.

Oh, honey. We know. In fact, you all tell your secrets every time you prance out onto the ice wearing more chiffon than all of Star Jones Reynolds’s bridesmaids combined. You might as well just paste pages of your diary over your nether regions and then claim that you’re still hiding skeletons.

But even so. Johnny, here’s to you. I’m first in line for your tell-all.

[Thanks for the reader who sent in the tip.]

Update: And of course, we can always rely on our internet boyfriend over at the Malcontent for the video of our heavily made-up Johnny sprawled on an over stuffed sofa. He’s far less Gayvoiced than I imagined, but every bit as sassy. I’m feeling a little crush coming on…

Johnny Weir: A Rising Star

Skating champion Weir is ‘Princessy’ [Boston Globe]

BYU professor stumbles upon possible cure for AIDS

Published by Jordan on February 7, 2006 in News. 1 Comment

Stop-Aids-HandI’m not sure why this story is tucked away in the business section of a local newspaper and not taking over the front page of CNN.com (Is it just me, or has Coretta Scott King’s funeral been going on for, like, three days now?) But it seems that a Brigham Young University professor may had discovered a cure for AIDS.

Now, before you boys run out to CVS and try to return your half empty box of Trojans, read the fine print: “BYU.” Which means that even if the uber-Morman administrators of the school allow the ‘queer curing serum’ out of the lab, the entire supply will undoubtedly be purchased by Pat Robertson to water his hydrangeas (it makes a wonderful fertilizer, too.)

Not bad for an assistant professor who was just trying to concoct a form of crystal meth undetectable by God.

Has BYU prof found AIDS cure? [Salt Lake Tribune]

Perez makes us look bad, makes himself look even worse

Published by Jordan on February 7, 2006 in Bitches and Rants. 5 Comments

Img 5039 LomoI almost missed this little gem from Gawker yesterday. You see, Rob and I may be jerks/assholes/bitches, whathaveyou. But we’re most definitely not entitled jerks/assholes/bitches. We know that if we were ever invited to an A-list New York party, it would be to clean the blow off the toilet seats every 30 minutes. And we’d be just fine with that if we could even just get a glimpse

But, apparently the Queen Mary of all gay bloggers, Perez Hilton, feels as if the size of his dick is somewhat enhanced by the number of hits on his (poorly designed and ad-laden) website, which gives him the right to make shit up about parties he wasn’t invited to. Gawker has the transcript of a spat between Perez, a Gawker insider, and a publicist with Harrison & Shriftman regarding a Playboy party that Perez was left out of. He writes:

You know, I can afford to be unprofessional, because I make probably a lot more money than you do. You, on the other hand, can’t afford to be as crass and reckless ad crazy Perez.

“… ad crazy Perez.” Straight from the horses mouth. And when I say horses mouth, I’ve never meant it more in my life. Those teeth! To quote a P15 reader, that boy “could bite a bishops ass through a wicker chair.”

Perez, kiddo, you haven’t just jumped the shark, you’ve cleared the entire sea. And all the while wearing two polo shirts at once, which baffles me.

Perez Hilton Makes Us Hate Ourselves [Gawker]

Show us your tits! Oh no, wait, don’t

Published by Rob on February 7, 2006 in Celebs and Waxing Techniques. 5 Comments

200602071940 The PEN15 Club got it wrong. Earlier, we believed reports that Rachel McAdams participated in the Vanity Fair Hollywood issue’s cover shoot, even after freaking out and firing her publicist after learning that it was to be nude.

Now, we’ve seen the cover photo, and it’s not McAdams’ nubile body posed between Scarlett Johansson’s luscious backside and Keira Knightley’s protruding rib cage. It’s - ewww - the issue’s guest editor, horrible, creepy, over-tanned fashion designer Tom Ford. Ford is, of course, fully dressed, save for some seductively bare man-cleavage. And - double ewwwww! - he’s nuzzling poor Keira’s neck, or smelling her hair, or biting her ear, or something.

As if starring in five successful movies in two years hadn’t been enough, this creepshow proves once again that McAdams is the smartest young actress in Hollywood. This cover is the grossest thing we’ve seen since that Demi Moore nude-but-for-paint-by-numbers fiasco of the early ’90s.

Look how pale those girls are! Look how they airbrushed away Keira’s nipple! And what’s with the way Scarlett is positioned? Is she presenting for Graydon Carter? Or just pantomiming the severe ass-fucking that her career could take once this hits newsstands?

More T&A Trouble [The PEN15 Club]

Sanaa Lathan: “Fool, Denzel did not knock me up!”

Published by Rob on February 6, 2006 in Bitches, Celebs and Famous PEN15s. 3 Comments

200602062240 Amid talk of a break-up between Denzel Washington and his wife of 22 years, Pauletta, Something New star Sanaa Lathan is once again denying an old rumor: That Papa D got her pregnant while the two were shooting the 2003 thriller Out of Time.



We agree that there doesn’t seem to be much basis for the pregnancy rumor - Sanaa looked pretty svelte in Alien vs. Predator, after all - but the Washingtons’ divorce denials are getting pretty hilarious. Check out Denzel’s rep’s response to a report that the two-time Oscar winner has moved into a hotel:

Before his last four films, Denzel has taken a room in a hotel to prepare for his roles. But he comes home at night! Their marriage is just fine.

Uh, sure buddy. Because you really have to seclude yourself from those you love to properly immerse yourself in the psychological depths of Man on Fire.

Still, we’re a little scared for Sanaa. After the 2001 Oscars, when a hysterically exuberant Julia Roberts practically jumped on Denzel’s head while presenting him a trophy, we hear Pauletta followed J. Ro into the ladies’ room and lit her hair on fire with the flick of a Bic and an errant shot of hairspray.

Okay, that’s not true. But it’s pretty funny if you try to picture it.

Turning up the heat [Monterey County Herald]

Denzel divorce shocker! [National Enquirer]