Archive for March, 2006

Is she naked? Is she naked? Is she naked?

Published by Rob on March 30, 2006 in Bitches, Celebs and Films. 3 Comments

200603302324 Some actresses just fade away after 40, their carers suffering quiet, dignified deaths, like Ali MacGraw in Love Story. (Both her character and her career.) Think of Geena Davis ending up on a new failed TV series every year, or Elisabeth Shue doing four scenes as Dakota Fanning’s mom.

Other careers, like Sharon Stone’s, go down in a great torrent of flaming wreckage, much like Sissy Spacek’s demise in Carrie. And just when you think they’re finally dead, a desperate hand reaches out from beneath the soil and attempts to claw back to the surface. And then you realize it was all a horrible, horrible dream.

With that, I give you the reviews for Basic instinct 2. They’re atrocious, of course, and here’s the kicker: Sharon isn’t even naked naked naked nude nude nude for more than a few moments. Her tits reportedly look “lopsided,” David Morrissey’s pasty British ass gets just as much screen time, and that much-ballyhooed three-way scene is missing from the final cut.

Clearly, Sharon’s “great, Jewish woman” publicist is going to have to do serious damage control after this debacle.

Basic Instinct 2 [Rottentomatoes]

Heart of Starkness [The Malcontent]

Sharon Stone, and other reasons not to see Basic Instinct 2 [Egotastic]

No matter what they take from me, they can’t take away my dignity! Until now.

Published by Rob on March 29, 2006 in Celebs and Gunts. 2 Comments

200603291911 Whitney Houston has proved that, for her, the greatest love of all is her love for sweet, sweet rock.

And now her extremely classy sister-in-law Tina Brown - you just know the starchy former editor of Talk Magazine is thrilled to share a name with her - has the photos to prove it. And she’s sold them to the Enquirer. And told a story that has unleashed a barrage of horrifying mental imagery. This is the kind of drama that proves that Tina’s brother Bobby is the stable one in the relationship. A particular highlight:

Tina told the tabloid that the sick songbird locks herself away for days in her bedroom ‘amid piles of garbage, smoking crack, using sex toys to satisfy herself and ignoring personal hygiene.’

As a result of her habit, Whitney has flouted the authority of doctors:

…Whitney would smoke crack on the way to the rehab center and then refuse to give the doctors a urine sample.

Frightened and offended crack dealers:

…Whitney went off on a bender and ended up in a crack house in a dangerous part of Atlanta…’A drug dealer had called Bobby and said, “Come get your wife, I am sick of this [bleep].”

And, best of all, terrified small children:

During her drug binges, Whitney often loses a set of false teeth she wears. She’s constantly ringing up the dentist to send her a new set which run her $6,000 a pop. Brown said Houston, sans teeth, showed up at a school one of Tina’s children attends and ’scared the kids.’

Whitney’s cautionary tale is so tragic it could persuade Natasha Lyonne herself to put down the pipe. And for those of you with disobedient children, here’s a plan for scaring them into good behavior: Just convince them that, if they’re bad, a toothless, unwashed Whitney Houston will show up at their school and start pleasuring herself with sex toys.

Bobby’s sis spills - Whitney won’t stay off drugs [The Boston Herald]

PEN15 Drippings: 3/28/06

Published by Rob on March 28, 2006 in Bitches, Celebs, Films, Star Jones Reynolds and TV. 0 Comments
  • 200603282115Brilliant Brick star Joseph Gordon-Levitt turns his own camera on a couple of rude paparazzi, who admit they’re trying to prove that JGL is gay. Sigh, if only… [YouTube]
  • Take off your actor pants and put your analrapist stocking over your head: Arrested Development is dead. For reals this time. Elsewhere, Ellen DeGeneres faces the realization that, from now on, it’s up to her to keep Portia in ponies. [Variety]
  • Joy Behar can’t stand Star and her new tits, even via telephone, and she tells her so as Meredith and Elisabeth cheer her on. Take note of SJR’s glamour headshot at the bottom of the frame - it’s a surreal exercise in terror that suggests what might happen if Al Sharpton swallowed Grace Jones. [D Listed]
  • When expert manipulation of new media marketing techniques peaks way too early, or: Are you motherfuckin’ sick of Snakes on a Plane yet? That shit don’t come out till August, and it ain’t getting any funnier. [Hollywood Reporter]

No girls allowed in “Lotion’s 13”

Published by Rob on March 28, 2006 in Celebs, Famous PEN15s and Films. 0 Comments

Celeb2-1 Recent Oscar winner George Clooney has used his increased clout to make Ocean’s Thirteen a boys-only affair, booting Catherine Zeta-Jones and Julia Roberts from the cast of the sequel to a sequel no one particularly liked or wanted.

Instead, Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon and the boys will jet off to some glamorous location and “work” for several months while Steven Soderbergh watches…er, films…er, directs. The only woman currently cast is the decidedly mannish Ellen Barkin who, following her divorce from Ron Perelman, is apparently now rich enough to be in the movie.

The plot of the movie is being kept under wraps, in part because Soderbergh et al haven’t actually thought it up yet. They’re too busy scouting locations. Which is just code for jetting off to Lake Como and playing with Clooney’s hog. Or pig. Whatever.

‘Ocean’s Eleven,’ ‘Twelve,’ and… [CNN]

MIAMI eVICtion noticE

Published by Rob on March 26, 2006 in Celebs and TV. 2 Comments

200603261531 Facelifts ain’t cheap, muthafuckaz!

Especially when you’re not a movie star anymore, and you’re paying for your own face work, and your new WB series got cancelled after three episodes. And your ex-wife also has some costly procedures to subsidize, and she’s no longer a star anymore either - in fact her WB series is unlikely to survive the WB/UPN merger - but at least she’s married to Antonio Banderas, who hopefully saved his Zorro money, so at least you don’t have to give her squat.

Whew. Anyway, just in time for the upcoming movie adaptation of Miami Vice, Don Johnson is losing his house.

Lender wants to sell Don Johnson’s home [AP via Yahoo!]

Just Legal, Inconceivable: cancelled. Supernatural: full season [TV Squad]

Melanie Griffith scares me [Awful Plastic Surgery]

Miami Vice [Apple Movie Trailers]

Excerpts from the Nicole Kidman wiretap

Published by Rob on March 25, 2006 in Anal, Bitches and Celebs. 0 Comments

200603252015 Now that the case against Hollywood private investigator Anthony Pellicano is taking down half of Tinseltown, it’s no surprise that the dirty private dick was hired by Tom Cruise to wiretap Nicky Kidman’s phones during the infamous divorce of 2001.

What is surprising is that the PEN15 Club managed to get its hands on the transcripts:

  • “Naomi, I’ve told you, I’m not going to help you ‘rehearse’ the lesbian scene from Mulholland Drive. For God’s sake, you already shot the film.”
  • “Doctor, this is Nicole Kidman calling. I’m concerned about yesterday’s series of shots. I think they were too strong. I haven’t blinked since I woke up this morning, and the numbness has been steadily spreading down my face, past my nose, finally to my (garbled sounds).”
  • “Tell that bitch Julianne Moore she’ll be in the middle of the poster over my pale, stiff, Oscar-nominated corpse.”
  • “Tom wants to raise the children Scientologist, which I wouldn’t normally have a problem with. But if Conor has to go off Ritalin, I don’t know what I’ll do. I’ll have to sell him to Angelina Jolie.”
  • “Ewan, I’m not sure how to tell you this. I think the baby might be yours. I can’t tell you how I know. Let’s just say that sex with Tom isn’t likely to produce children. Remember all those teeth marks and mascara stains on my pillowcases?”

Nicole teased Tom’s snoops [Page Six]

Star turns 44, Al’s knuckles whiten

Published by Jordan on March 25, 2006 in Bitches, Celebs, Gunts, News and Star Jones Reynolds. 5 Comments

Starjones Emmys05 240Is it just me or is SJR starting to look a smidgen like Katherine Harris?

A true story for you: I (Jordan) am one of them assfucking, liberal vegetarian types. It’s been several years since I’ve tasted meat that wasn’t from a water-dwelling animal, or attached to a Hollister employee. But yesterday, I sat in a morning meeting and began to devour the croissant my company force feeds us on a daily basis. But something was different! As I bit into the flaky pastry, my teeth sank into an unfamiliar flavor. I withdrew the breakfast treat from my face to find that I had bitten into layers of pink goodness – something my not-fully-awake brain instantly decided was, uh, rhubarb. I continued eating until a vague familiarity crept across my taste buds, and half way through my croissant, I realized it was ham I was eating.

I tried to explain to those around me why I spat out the chewed food, but instead of sympathy, I got, “Who the fuck puts rhubarb in a croissant?” from my boss.

Later on, as I clutched my guilty stomach, something hit me. There was a reason I ate ham that day – something that could only be understood by my deepest consciousness: it was Star Jones Reynolds’s birthday.

Happy Birthday, Star. That was my sacrifice for you. And your boned ham is in the mail, compliments of the PEN15 Club.

Every man has Cheneeds

Published by Jordan on March 23, 2006 in Bitches, News, Politics and Rants. 11 Comments

200603232103Dick’s got needs. I mean, they’re not Paul McCartney no-fake-or-real-animal-print-furniture-and-only-orange-m&ms needs, but for a public servant, they’re somewhat lofty.

The Smoking Gun was able to grab a copy of Cheney’s rider (or, in gov speak, “Vice Presidential Downtime Requirements”), and while they’re pretty tame, there’s a few things that stand out. Let’s dissect, shall we?

  • Queen or King Size Bed - apparently depending on how he’s got his hog harnessed that day
  • Desk with Chair - He feels as if the two go so naturally together, as God meant
  • Private Bathroom - Of course every hotel room has a private bathroom, but what Cheney meant was another bathroom for his penis to use
  • All lights turned on - Lest he be forced to figure out how to operate a light switch… Plus, I hear he totally likes to watch himself perform
  • Temperature set to 68 degrees - He meant celsius, because that would make a comfy 154° fahrenheit – just as Lucifer likes it
  • All Televisions tuned to FOX News - Because fumbling with a television remote distracts him from the task at hand: beating off to O’Reilly
  • Microwave - I hear that causing Peeps to explode in the microwave reminds Cheney of all the things that were right about Abu Ghraib
  • Coffee Pot in the Suite (BREW DECAF PRIOR TO ARRIVAL) - DO NOT CAFFEINATE THE CHEY.
  • Container for Ice (and the location of where ice maker is located [sic]) - And the location of the location of where the ice maker is located. Ice. Very important. So. Much. Swelling.
  • Diet Caffeine Free Sprite - For fuck’s sake, Veep. Can we get you some white bread and vanilla ice cream while you’re at it? Do you bring your own black tar heroine to snort off the top of the cans of lame-assed soda? Give us something, here
  • Hotel Restaurant Menu - And a pen so Mr. Cheney can find various food items to alter to include the word “freedom.” Oh, and it should have Sudoku. The Vice President loves his Sudoku.
  • If the hotel would like to put a gift in the Suite please let the Advance Team know ASAP - As we need to know whether to send the Vice President with thank you cards or send him with condoms

To me, the most disturbing part of this entire document is the alarmingly loose grasp its author has on the English language, basic grammar, and elementary punctuation. You know, the people who work for our government…

Dick Cheney’s Suite Demands [TSG]

Do you wanna come “Inside?”

Published by Rob on March 23, 2006 in Films. 1 Comment

200603232115 Spike Lee’s new movie Inside Man is getting terrific reviews, and we’re sure it’s a taut cat-and-mouse thriller with riveting performances. And has there ever been a more ironic title for a movie with Jodie Foster in it?

Most importantly, Inside Man joins a long list of movies whose titles could easily double as porn. Some of our favorites:

  • While You Were Sleeping
  • The Human Stain
  • The Bone Collector
  • Sideways
  • Deep Impact
  • A River Runs Through It
  • Juice
  • Lorenzo’s Oil
  • A Fish Called Wanda
  • Love Streams
  • The Big Red One

Inside Man [Rotten Tomatoes]

Naked pictures of Chloe Sevigny

Published by Rob on March 23, 2006 in Celebs, Style and Waxing Techniques. 6 Comments

200603232100 Wait till Joy Behar gets a load of this.

Here’s Chloe Sevigny, graphically nude, in the new issue of some magazine no one reads (NSFW, obviously). Why is it okay for chicks to do this kind of thing and not, say, Ryan Gosling?

All I can say is this: Looks like The Last Days of Disco isn’t just the title of one of Chloe’s movies - it’s also the era on which she’s based her pubic hair philosophy.

Chloe Sevigny shows her muffin! [D Listed]