Technical difficulties abound, here’s the transcript of last night’s Oscar liveblog. What you can’t see written is the ear-piercing squeal of gay agony that occurred right around 11:23 pm. I don’t really feel like talking about it right now – Rob will have the official PEN15 Crash-gate commentary later this evening – all I know is that I feel like Bush was just elected Emperor of the Universe.
Thank you for everyone who tuned in. Apologies for the technical difficulties - our servers couldn’t handle such an onslaught of wit and charm. We’ll work out the kinks for next time.
06:30 PM: Our red carpet pre-show of choice tonight will be on E! So if you’re following along, we’ll be doing a play-by-play of Seacrest’s tight-lipped resentment towards Isaac Mizrahi. - jordan
06:33 PM: Welcome to the liveblog event! Rob and I will be getting started in about 1/2 hour. In the meantime, feel free to start a conversation in the chat box to the right. - jordan
06:59 PM: And we’re Live. Jordan signing on. - jordan
06:59 PM: Did Skeeve-crest just narrate Jessica Alba applying lipgloss? - rob
07:00 PM: Oh, um, and welcome. - rob
07:00 PM: No one told Giamatti to stay away from hygiene comments? - jordan
07:01 PM: Naomi Watts looks like she’s wearing a Santino. - rob
07:02 PM: I’m distracted by Giuliana’s nipple. - rob
07:03 PM: Mizrahi is treating Ludakirs like he’s Michelle Williams. “Cute little diamonds…” - jordan
07:03 PM: Motherhood has done wonders for Helena Bonham Carter’s rack. - rob
07:09 PM: Who died and made Jessica Alba the new Brigitte fucking Bardot? I hear she barely made it to the ceremony when somebody covered her in a wet paper bag and made her act her way out. She almost suffocated. - rob
07:09 PM: Mizrahi talking to Ang Lee about BBM is somehow like a retarded girl meeting Rosie O’Donnell for the first time. - jordan
07:10 PM: I just saw four men cruise Keanu… one of them may or may not have been Harrison Ford. - jordan
07:14 PM: Sandra Bullock gets the Edith Bunker award for Worst Hair. - rob
07:15 PM: If I had Alba’s posture, my mother would beat me. - jordan
07:20 PM: I think it’s gross that they even show ads for that Tim Allen remake of The Shaggy Dog during any Oscar-related coverage. How high are Robert Downey, Jr.’s legal bills anyway? - rob
07:23 PM: Ahhh! Meryl’s nipping out! - rob
07:24 PM: Nicole Kidman — I thought she might be out of the whole “hair matches the skin” rut she’s been in… I’ve been sorely let down. - jordan
07:26 PM: I think I learned to juggle with Bahar Soomekh’s dress… - jordan
07:26 PM: Thank god “divine” isn’t the trigger word for our drinking game. - jordan
07:27 PM: Felicity’s doing the Hilary Swank “I SWEAR I’ve got breasts” move. - rob
07:28 PM: Which is funny because I think Huffman’s hubby has a worse case of gayface than Swank’s actually-gay husband. - jordan
07:28 PM: I love with Sandra gets all serious on us. I feel like she’s punishing us for having fun. And I like that. - jordan
07:31 PM: As much as we hate to let go of Seacrest, we’re switching to ABC’s coverage now. - jordan
07:33 PM: Next time I get my haircut, I’m going to ask for The Aniston. - jordan
07:34 PM: Billy Bush is so insipid and horrible…and as if you didn’t already hate him enough, he’s actually related to Dubya. - rob
07:34 PM: Philippee’s looking a little Zellweger-y in the face, no? - jordan
07:36 PM: Ryan can get as carbfaced as he wants as long as the abs don’t get away from him. - rob
07:40 PM: Am I the only one who’s genuinely excited for the Robert Altman Honorary Oscar? Anyone? Crickets? - rob
07:41 PM: Huffman… you could ice luge down that cleavage… - jordan
07:42 PM: Call me a push over, but I’m starting to think the DH girls legitimately like each other…. - jordan
07:42 PM: Oh my God…how drunk did the other Housewives have to get to affect genuine congratulations for “Flicka?” - rob
07:44 PM: Stratharian: “I don’t answer to the Bush.” - jordan
07:44 PM: David Strathairn wins the Silver Fox Award. I’ve got a River Wild with his name on it. - rob
07:44 PM: I’ve never heard Rob scream with glee quite like that. - jordan
07:45 PM: jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake - rob
07:45 PM: aaaaaaaaaaaaake - rob
07:46 PM: ake - rob
07:47 PM: I heard at Elton John’s after party, they’re going to hang this ABC chick from the ceiling, give ‘er a spin, and hit her with a flood light. - jordan
07:48 PM: “Ass to ass! Ass to ass!” - rob
07:54 PM: Okay, readers. Rob and I can’t agree. What’s your take? Billy Bush and Ryan Seacrest: which do you marry, which do you fuck? - jordan
07:54 PM: Jamie Foxx brought M’onique. - rob
07:55 PM: Did Jamie Foxx bring her because she looks like a giant, walking microphone? - jordan
07:55 PM: Where’s La Keener? La Swank? La McDormand? La Dench? La Phoenix? - rob
07:57 PM: Oh my God. This Bush needs to be trimmed. - rob
07:58 PM: Holy shit. Jordan. It’s gonna start. I’m so excited. - rob
08:00 PM: Oh lord. Pass the Sapphire. - jordan
08:00 PM: Okay, the intro already blows. - rob
08:01 PM: How long till we have to hear “Fasten your seatbelts, it’s gonna be a bumpy night” and “they call me Mr. Tibbs!?” - rob
08:01 PM: Was Star Jones at the top of one of those buildings? - jordan
08:02 PM: Shit, they thawed out Billy Crystal. - rob
08:03 PM: I want to see them eat Gibson. - jordan
08:04 PM: No comment. - jordan
08:05 PM: Damn. They really caved by having Clooney be fully clothed. - rob
08:06 PM: Hasn’t it been the 78th Academy Awards for like four years? - jordan
08:06 PM: Okay, Death to Smoochy is a great movie. Kinda. - rob
08:08 PM: Schwing for Amy Adams’ bf. - rob
08:09 PM: Keener left Dermot and is now apparently dating writer-director Nicole Holofcener. - rob
08:09 PM: Speilberg looking more and more like Steve Jobs every year… - jordan
08:12 PM: This Nicholson-Knightley dyad is creeping me out. I guess Lara Flynn Boyle turned 40 and had to be shipped away to wherever they’re keeping Rebecca Broussard. - rob
08:13 PM: Someone get Giamatti an acorn. - jordan
08:16 PM: Okay. Time for some Clooney. - rob
08:16 PM: Apparently they’re introducing the presenters in order of how see-through they are. - jordan
08:16 PM: Oh, Nicky. You tease. - rob
08:20 PM: What a prick. - rob
08:20 PM: Are they underscoring acceptance speeches now?!? - jordan
08:20 PM: And I mean that in a good way. - rob
08:21 PM: Take that, red staters. - rob
08:22 PM: Hence why we wanted Clooney to win over Giamatti. We’d still be listening to stuttering… half way through this innovative auto advertisement. - jordan
08:24 PM: Oh god. Write your own Mastercard ad. Does anallingus have one or two Ls. - jordan
08:25 PM: Hanks’ Da Vinci Code hair should be cause for the revocation of at least one Oscar. - rob
08:26 PM: Time to check out Stiller’s basket. - rob
08:29 PM: I’m writing in my vote: The special effects that made that Chinese gal look so Japanese. - jordan
08:29 PM: I’m sorry, that fucking monkey looked like it was a different size in every scene. The best visual effect in King Kong was Adrien Brody’s pecs. - rob
08:31 PM: Bend…and SNAP! - rob
08:33 PM: Heh heh…Box. - rob
08:33 PM: Wait. There’s something about those outfits. I can’t quite put my…. OH! The lapel pin. Too much, really. - jordan
08:34 PM: Naomi, as usual, seems strangely bitter. - rob
08:34 PM: Is that what Benicio is doing to gowns in the elevator this year? - jordan
08:36 PM: Okay, pause for Dolly. - rob
08:37 PM: Dolly: Is it weird that I’ve been obsessed with her since Smoky Mountain Christmas? Rob? Can she be the new PEN15 mascot? - jordan
08:37 PM: I love this song. Only Dolly could merge Christianity and transsexuality. - rob
08:40 PM: Jordan, we can involve Dolly in anything and everything. - rob
08:42 PM: Yes! A $ci-fi-tology joke. - rob
08:43 PM: Owen looks like Monica Quartermaine. - rob
08:43 PM: ::cough:: Brewer Twins :: cough:: - jordan
08:46 PM: Animated Short Film = I’m freshening my drink. - rob
08:48 PM: I’m psyched that we got the first “life partner” shout-out of the night. But did he say his bf’s name was Joseph Kennedy? - rob
08:50 PM: Aniston - she looks like she just changed a spare tire. Or at least fucked one. - jordan
08:50 PM: Colleen Atwood?! She’s not really Japanese either! - rob
08:52 PM: Crowe isn’t much of a reader, is he? - rob
08:52 PM: Is this Crowe’s punishment for the phone incident? Making him read real words infront of literate people? - jordan
08:57 PM: Um…a blackface joke? - rob
09:02 PM: Rachel Weisz?! Bor-ing. - rob
09:03 PM: If Rachel Weisz wins this I’ll be officially bored. - rob
09:12 PM: Betty Bacall. I thought I smelled gin and regret. - rob
09:19 PM: Crossing fingers that Terrance Howard hasn’t learned anything from Jamie Foxx. - jordan
09:21 PM: Well, I guess that’s a slightly less boring choice than another Rwanda movie. - rob
09:23 PM: I hope the bear from Grizzly Man kicks those penguins’ asses. - rob
09:25 PM: Oh, right. This is the song that ruins the last 10 minutes of Crash. - rob
09:37 PM: What the hell is the point of this montage? Political issue movies? - rob
10:14 PM: Testing, testing, one, two, three. - jordan
10:18 PM: Wooo hoo! Luda! Nigga, why?! - rob
10:20 PM: Are we back in the game? Could Luda be the lucky charm? - jordan
10:22 PM: So who’s more Botoxed? Nicole or Keanu? - rob
10:23 PM: Watch Ms. Queen shy away from that phallic, phallic microphone. - jordan
10:25 PM: You know “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” is totally on Dolly’s iPod. - rob
10:25 PM: … For a Pimp win - I’ve never seen camerapeople scramble that fast to find all the black people in the audience. - jordan
10:27 PM: I’m loving La Voz de Colbert. - rob
10:28 PM: Wow, Matt Damon looks great in that ball gown. Oh wait, it’s Jennifer Garner. - rob
10:29 PM: What is it about people with “van der…” in their names that make them instantly sexy. Except for that guy. - jordan
10:31 PM: Dead folks on parade! I’m rooting for Shelley Winters. - rob
10:34 PM: On the bright side, our site still works better than MySpace’s site. AND you have a better chance of finding a hook up here. - jordan
10:38 PM: Will Smith wins the Oscar for Best Husband to a Blatant Lesbian. - rob
10:40 PM: Cut to Charlize! She’s South African and famous. - rob
10:43 PM: Oh, shit. A Crash win. - rob
10:45 PM: How long do you think it’s been since Swank got laid? I think Clooney should do her a favor. - jordan
10:48 PM: PSH has Tourette’s. - rob
10:51 PM: Anyone remember where we’re rioting if BBM loses? - jordan
10:52 PM: Wow…Hoffman is the least attractive Best Actor since at least Roberto Benigni. - rob
10:54 PM: Eek! None of the Brokeback actors won! - rob
10:55 PM: Oh, Christ. Revolta. Even Iowa hausfraus know you’re gay. - rob
10:56 PM: Travolta: Can he even be considered an actor anymore? And he’s so all over the newest gay trend haircuts all the time. - jordan
10:57 PM: Oh, Christ. What is this, a fourth Geisha win? Brokeback is in trouble. - rob
10:57 PM: Don’t do it, Jamie. - jordan
11:01 PM: Here’s where I wish Geena Davis would win something — just to entertain us with her acceptance speech… and her incredible Amazon-like height - jordan
11:01 PM: Argggh, please stop with the underscoring of the speeches. Joaquin and Reese are not friends. - rob
11:03 PM: You could drive an Escalade through those eyebrows. - jordan
11:05 PM: Good to see they could tear Philippee away from the hors d ouvres table long enough to watch his wife accept her award. - jordan
11:05 PM: Most. Predictable. Acting. Oscars. Ever. - rob
11:08 PM: If Brokeback loses this, we’re totally rushing Barney’s. - rob
11:09 PM: Those rotating billboard set pieces remind me of being in the mall. So does the smell of Panda Express. - jordan
11:10 PM: McMurtry’s wearing jeans! - rob
11:12 PM: If McMurtry were my brother-in-law, and if I had kids, I’d keep the kids away from him. - jordan
11:14 PM: I bet you all the people in the academy who voted for Crash also enjoyed “Everyone Loves Raymond” and “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” - jordan
11:14 PM: And the Original Screenplay Oscar goes to the spectacularly overwritten Crash, rather than the brilliant The Squid and the Whale. - rob
11:20 PM: In all fairness, Spielberg did some of his best work on Munich. - rob
11:20 PM: Ang - please show us how well you rehearsed your speech. - jordan
11:21 PM: Go Ang. Thanks for the shout out to the “gay mens.” - rob
11:21 PM: “Gay mens” - so cute you could butter it up and swallow it. - jordan
11:22 PM: Brace yourselves. - jordan
11:23 PM: He’s had more pussy in the last 10 minutes than Portia DiRossi got on her birthday. - jordan
11:23 PM: HOLY FUCK. - jordan
11:24 PM: It’s too fucking cold to go to Barney’s - jordan
11:24 PM: OH. FUCK. NO. - rob
11:25 PM: No…seriously…no…. - rob
11:26 PM: Wow. I’d take another Bush election over this. - jordan
11:27 PM: Wait…did Crash just win Best Picture? - rob
11:28 PM: Worst. Oscars. Ever. - rob
11:29 PM: Let Crash-gate begin. Disgusting. - jordan
11:30 PM: Thanks for joining us everyone. I’ve got a pillow to cry into. - jordan
11:31 PM: Again…if a heterosexual romantic tragedy had swept the precursors and been the highest-grossing nominee, it would have been a lock. Truly a disgusting moment in film history. Combined with the half-assed Altman tribute, utter proof that the Oscars are fatally removed from the art of cinema. A real shame. - rob
11:34 PM: But…the scene…where…the little girl…turns out not to have been really shot….so terrible…how do people vote for that shit…Arghhhh! - rob
11:35 PM: It’s like if The English Patient had lost to Shine. - rob
11:37 PM: Worst. Best Picture winner. Since Around the World in 80 Days. - rob
11:38 PM: Seriously, a movie with Sandra Bullock, Brendan Fraser, Matt Dillon and Ryan Phillippe. Matt Dillon and Ryan Phillippe?! - rob
11:40 PM: Or the scene…where Jennifer Esposito….and the Asian chick…get into a fender bender…and immediately start shouting racial epithets at each other! That’s not what happens! Even in L.A.! - rob
The best way to read this post is from the bottom up.
I was watching Joan and Melissa give some joint commentary this morning on the local news out here. Do you get the feeling that much in the way Liberace used to have his young lovers sent to the plastic surgeon to be cut to look like him, Joan is doing much the same thing with her waxwork daughter?
Stolen from another blog, but brilliant nonetheless:
For those who haven’t seen it, or for those who have seen it and are simply a little slow, Crash is a cheesy, ham-fisted melodrama that makes Peter Jackson look like Wim Wenders. It’s bloated, predictable, filled with flat characters, and unpleasant to watch. It’s a tale about racism that never stops reminding you in bright colors and monosyllabic words and arbitrary plot points that you are watching a movie about racism, and it’s your duty to be moved by the film. If not, you don’t understand it. It’s a movie for people who don’t understand enough about movies to pick a good one from a fake one; it’s the cinematic equivalent of Ayn Rand, a film for posers and wannabes and that guy in your philosophy class who thinks he’s on the ball but pronounces the first “s” in “Descartes.”
Funny, but has whoever wrote that actually tried to sit through an entire Wim Wenders movie in the last 15 years?
End of Violence, anyone? Million Dollar Hotel?
This was SO funny, I laughed my ass off reading it. It’s definitely better than watching the actual Oscars, you guys should do this every year - unless you already do!
Wonderful commentary guys!
This was SO funny, I laughed my ass off reading it. It’s definitely better than watching the actual Oscars, you guys should do this every year - unless you already do!
Wonderful commentary guys!
Best of all people w can talk…