Dick’s got needs. I mean, they’re not Paul McCartney no-fake-or-real-animal-print-furniture-and-only-orange-m&ms needs, but for a public servant, they’re somewhat lofty.
The Smoking Gun was able to grab a copy of Cheney’s rider (or, in gov speak, “Vice Presidential Downtime Requirements”), and while they’re pretty tame, there’s a few things that stand out. Let’s dissect, shall we?
- Queen or King Size Bed - apparently depending on how he’s got his hog harnessed that day
- Desk with Chair - He feels as if the two go so naturally together, as God meant
- Private Bathroom - Of course every hotel room has a private bathroom, but what Cheney meant was another bathroom for his penis to use
- All lights turned on - Lest he be forced to figure out how to operate a light switch… Plus, I hear he totally likes to watch himself perform
- Temperature set to 68 degrees - He meant celsius, because that would make a comfy 154° fahrenheit – just as Lucifer likes it
- All Televisions tuned to FOX News - Because fumbling with a television remote distracts him from the task at hand: beating off to O’Reilly
- Microwave - I hear that causing Peeps to explode in the microwave reminds Cheney of all the things that were right about Abu Ghraib
- Coffee Pot in the Suite (BREW DECAF PRIOR TO ARRIVAL) - DO NOT CAFFEINATE THE CHEY.
- Container for Ice (and the location of where ice maker is located [sic]) - And the location of the location of where the ice maker is located. Ice. Very important. So. Much. Swelling.
- Diet Caffeine Free Sprite - For fuck’s sake, Veep. Can we get you some white bread and vanilla ice cream while you’re at it? Do you bring your own black tar heroine to snort off the top of the cans of lame-assed soda? Give us something, here
- Hotel Restaurant Menu - And a pen so Mr. Cheney can find various food items to alter to include the word “freedom.” Oh, and it should have Sudoku. The Vice President loves his Sudoku.
- If the hotel would like to put a gift in the Suite please let the Advance Team know ASAP - As we need to know whether to send the Vice President with thank you cards or send him with condoms
To me, the most disturbing part of this entire document is the alarmingly loose grasp its author has on the English language, basic grammar, and elementary punctuation. You know, the people who work for our government…
My favorite is the requirement that the hotel must fax the restaurant’s menu to Cheney’s office beforehand.
I hate to point it out, but in the paragraph where you make fun of their English….I think you meant “loose grasp”….
Isn’t Sprite always decaffeinated? Has no one alerted the Veep?
Yes, yes, Dawn. I deserved that. But typos are a little more acceptable when you’re a blogger and not working for the Executive branch. (Or should I say, “the branch of the Executive branch”?)
Yes, yes, your typos are fine, I just thought it was funny….and yeah, Sprite’s always decaffeinated. Guess Cheney didn’t get the memo.
Maybe Cheney doesn’t trust the regular Diet Sprite. He gets cans that are specially labeled DIET CAFFEINE-FREE SPRITE: VP EDITION.
To piggyback off Dawn’s comment, “heroine” is a female hero, “heroin” is what Jordan injects in Rob’s ass prior to the podcast.
Big difference–clearly the Prince of Darkness doesn’t believe in women working outside the home.
What I loved is the all-liquid nature of the request. And that when the lesbo-porn writer Lynne is along, there need only be two additional liquids. And that those can be Calistoga (from Napa) or —-gasp - Perrier! Perhaps Lynne peels the Calistoga labels off and sticks them around the Perrier bottles so Big Time doesn’t know she likes the French stuff….
Okay. Mea culpa. The typos, yes. In a post where I criticize people with poor spelling/grammar skills. I get it. But I maintain - I’m not writing edicts that bring us to war. I do a blog about cocks and assfucking. Really, it’s to be expected.
Smoking Gun has John Kerry’s list of requirements now. (Talk about high maintenance)
Need to be readed.