Archive for April, 2006

Bush grins and Colberts it

Published by Rob on April 30, 2006 in Bitches, News, Politics and Rants. 1 Comment

200604301912 If you haven’t seen Stephen Colbert’s lacerating, 25-minute closing presentation from Saturday’s White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner, enjoy. Colbert - as his cluelessly gut-driven, O’Reilly-style Comedy Central altar ego - gleefully lobs spitballs at the President while looking him straight in the eye, then has the nerve to call his press corps audience on its own bullshit again and again. He actually opens with a joke about the Cheney shooting (directed right at Bush, with faultless eye contact, which Colbert maintains throughout the speech), and throughout, no subject remains off limits. The laughs in the room are scattered, but it makes for hilarious viewing.

The closing video vignette, in which Colbert (fantasizing about being White House Press Secretary) is chased, Freddy Krueger-style, by former UPI White House Bureau Chief Helen Thomas as she demands to know why we invaded Iraq, whips itself into an absurd frenzy. Within seconds, it manages to make a Karl Rove gay joke and compare Condi Rice to The Facts of Life’s Tootie.

Be sure to relish the awkward post-show moment between Colbert and Dubya as the former leaves the stage. Mee-fucking-yow.

If you just want to skim, Daily Kos has a transcript.

Colbert roasts Bush [YouTube]

Improved Colbert transcript [Daily Kos]

Ian Somerhalder misinterprets the term “beard”

Published by Rob on April 27, 2006 in Celebs, Famous PEN15s, Gunts and Style. 5 Comments

200604272255 Poor Ian Somerhalder. Such high cheekbones, such pouty lips. If women were as pretty as he is, there’d be no reason to be gay.

Sadly, Ian’s camera-ready features - and his dead-on turn as a boxer brief-wearing, Van Der Beek-stalking, yoga-practicing liberal arts college queen in Rules of Attraction - have prevented anyone from assuming he’s anything but a cock-hungry bottom (despite his vehement, often graceless, insistence to the contrary).

Now, like many a closeted male star before him, Somerhalder has gone and gotten himself a beard. No, not Penelope Cruz. Actual, ungroomed facial hair. Plus, check out those sneakers! And do I detect the emergence of a gut?! Abercrombie and Fitch must be getting earth burn from spinning in their graves!

Here’s hoping that Ian’s gay fans take this as a new trend, and that “chubby and disheveled” becomes the new “lanky and pretty.” Just in case, I’m going to have a beer-and-ice-cream float before bed, and promise myself not to exercise tomorrow.

Ian Somerhalder with beard [Famousmales Forums]

Ian Somerhalder clearing the air [Towleroad]

And ‘The View’ to be renamed ‘Guntwars’

Published by Jordan on April 27, 2006 in Bitches, Celebs, Gunts, News, Star Jones Reynolds and TV. 6 Comments

Rosie O'donnell 9In what must be history’s longest pilgrimage back into the closet, Rosie O’Donnell will be replacing Meredith Vieira on ‘The View,’ according to Extra TV. And considering the alternatives (Connie Chung, Patricia Heaton and Soledad O’Brien), this decision marks ABC’s smartest move since it decided Josh Holloway should just stop wearing a shirt all together on the sandy shores of ‘Lost.’

Having recently returned to the mainland, Rosie is said to be adding her own special touch to the set of ‘The View.’ And by “special touch” I mean “overly-aggressive pressure applied by un-manicured fingers.” Some of the changes Ms. O’Donnell is reportedly making are:

  • A new segment called The Echo Chamber, in which Rosie and Joy stand facing each other, shouting, “Echo!”
  • Show to be broadcast with American Sign Language interpreter in the corner (what’s the sign for “indignant”?)
  • Barbara will officially abstain from appearing on the show, lest everyone agrees to refer to Rosie as a man
  • Meredith’s old dressing room to be renamed The BOXoffice
  • Company daycare expands rapidly, but then stabilizes when Rosie’s kids are expelled for sharing photos of “square dancing night on the cruise ship” with fellow youngins
  • Snide comments about Star’s vag now considered “fair game”
  • Set dressing tweaked to allow for Rosie’s roast beef curtains
  • Elizabeth Hasselbeck will trade her coffee for holy water

Why ever Rosie would quit her solo show only to take a gig with three self-ritious bitches is beyond me. But one thing is for certain: the lesbians are slowly taking over Daytime TV, and it’s about time we get to witness Kelly Ripa trade in her golden locks for a razor-cut side-spike just to keep the cameras on her, if you ask me.

Rosie O’Donnell Named Co-Host of The View [Extra]

PEN15 Drippings: Misbehaving Celebrities Edition

Published by Rob on April 26, 2006 in Bitches, Celebs and Drippings. 1 Comment

200604260905 Jan Maxwell, co-star of Entertaining Mr. Sloane Off Broadway, decides that acting opposite a shirtless Chris Carmack every night isn’t worth putting up with Alec Baldwin’s tantrums, and quits the play. Baldwin, ever the gentleman, responds by joking that she’s on the payroll of Kim Basinger’s divorce lawyer. [NY Post]

DUI-ified Michelle Rodriguez chooses Lady Jail over community service, surprising no one who’s ever seen a Linda Blair movie from the ’80s. [AP via Yahoo!]

Over-privileged Harvard sophomore/instantly overrated chick-lit author Kaavya Viswanathan’s plagiarism allegations lead Gawker to dig up her Facebook profile, to humilarious effect. That’s what the bitch gets for being 19 and successful. [Gawker]

Teri Hatcher is such a fucking victim. [People]

Battle of Lexington

Published by Rob on April 24, 2006 in News and Rants. 1 Comment

1582460612.01. Bo2,204,203,200 Pisitb-Dp-500-Arrow,Topright,45,-64 Aa240 Sh20 Sclzzzzzzz Dirt-eating conservatives are banjo-strummin’ mad at a Lexington, MA elementary school teacher for reading King & King, a fairy tale (I’ll say!) in which the handsome prince marries another handsome prince.

The Lexington superintendent stands by the teacher, saying that because gay marriage is legal, it makes sense to acknowledge the different types of families in the children’s own community. A “Massachusetts-based conservative group” (talk about masochism) known as the Parents Rights Coalition, however, has its sheer cotton panties in a twist - they say reading the book was a “heinous and objectionable” thing to do.

The PRC even went so far as to recommend a list of “moral” fairy tales for the school to teach instead of King & King:

  • Cousin & Cousin
  • The Little Engine That Could Wait Until Marriage
  • The Berenstain Bears Go Pentecostal
  • Sleep-alone Beauty
  • Snow White and the Second Amendment
  • Stay-at-Home Mother Goose
  • Hate the Sin, Love the Cinderella

Gay fairy tale sparks civil rights debate [Reuters via Yahoo!]

Episode 4 - The PEN15 Club Podcast

Published by Jordan on April 24, 2006 in Podcast. 12 Comments

P15Podcast As promised, here’s Episode 4 of the PEN15 Club Podcast. It’s the debut of the new podcast equipment and Jordan’s straight roommate/guest host, Dan.

We’re trying something a little new in the interest of getting podcasts to you more frequently: We’re not editing them. So, all the blunders, off-color remarks, and gayvoice outbursts are preserved for your uncut (hehehe) enjoyment.

Also, the sound quality and volume aren’t of the caliber of the past podcasts, but that’s being worked out as we experiment with new equipment. It’s a little bit muffled, but you like that sort of thing, right?

Topics:

1. Introductions

2. Song (Naturally by Middle Distance Runner)

3. PEN15 Club News

- Charlie Sheen’s a pervert

- Park Slope is for douchbags

- Abstinence is hilarious

- Julia Roberts sucks

4. Song (Off the Record by My Morning Jacket)

5. Straight Dan reviews gay porn (in which we torture Jordan’s straight roommate with progressively dirtier gay porn)

6. Song (Shame & Scandal by Madness)

We’ll be back with more frequent podcasts, now that we have our own equipment. Please give us all the feedback you can!

“Desperate” for something to do during their hiatus

Published by Rob on April 22, 2006 in Bitches, Celebs, Films and TV. 0 Comments

200604221030 For normal people, the onslaught of summer means trying to figure out how to become less pale and fat in under two months. For TV stars, in general, it means figuring out a way to stay gainfully employed during hiatus.

And for the cast of Desperate Housewives in particular, it means…well, different things. Marcia Cross and Teri Hatcher will presumably keep busy shooting commercials for 7 Up and planting tabloid stories about their love lives (Teri doesn’t employ a publicist, don’tcha know).

Eva Longoria and recently Oscar-nominated Felicity Huffman, however, plan to actually make movies, although the projects they’ve chosen sound, um…here, you can read:

Eva Longoria is going back home to the Lone Star State. The Texas native is attached to star in Touchstone Pictures’ “Deep in the Heart of Texas.” Touchstone has acquired Pam Buchignati and Lynnette Ramirez’s pitch, which centers on a spoiled Beverly Hills diva (Longoria) who becomes a fish out of water when she is relocated to San Antonio to run the new Latin division of an ad agency. Being completely out of touch with her Mexican roots and speaking not a word of Spanish, she has to win over the gringo urban cowboy who is her new boss, speaks fluent Spanish and is more in touch with her heritage than she is.

Ugh…sounds like My Big Fat Mexican Ad Agency. If Matthew McConaughey or Josh Lucas gets cast as the “gringo urban cowboy,” I promise to gouge my eyes out with a grapefruit spoon rather than even sit through the trailer.

While Eva is busy with her crappy formula star vehicle, Felicity is on board for Georgia Rule, a crappy Garry Marshall chick flick. And check out the train wreck co-stars: Jane Fonda and Lindsay Lohan! In fact, Felicity joins the esteemed pantheon of actresses - including Natasha Richardson, Jamie Lee Curtis and Meryl Streep - who’ve had to convince us that they gave birth to and raised La Lohan.

Kinda makes the whole tranny thing seem easy, doesn’t it?

Longoria gets in touch with ‘Texas’ roots [Hollywood Reporter]

Fonda, Huffman, Lohan have ‘Georgia’ on their mind [Hollywood Reporter via Reuters]

Clubhouse News: PEN15 is like an angsty teen

Published by Jordan on April 20, 2006 in Club News. 4 Comments

We waited as long as possible, but the temptation to see photos of our readers exposing their abs was just too much. The PEN15 Club has joined Myspace. Please sign up to be our friend! We need all the help we can get. Right now, Jordan is the sole friend, and it’ll remain that way until Rob signs up for Myspace or you request an online friendship. Because that will bond us for life. You can leave us little comments that say “Thanx 4 the add,” and everything.

In other exciting news, the PEN15 Club was also fast with the fingers and made a little acquisition today. Check out http://www.suricruiseholmes.com to see what I mean. Now let’s all think of the worst possible punishment the $cientologists could inflict upon us. In fact, if Rob and I suddenly disappear and stop writing, you might want to call the police and suggest this motive.

Really. Befriend us on Myspace.

Watros? Watros! Golly!

Published by Rob on April 19, 2006 in Bitches, Celebs and TV. 3 Comments

200604192256 Cynthia Watros has signed on to a new CBS pilot opposite Tom Cavanagh, the cauliflower-eared guy from Ed. That’s odd, you might think. Isn’t she still a regular on Lost?

Why yes she is, but she also might be trying to tell us something. Remember when Drea de Matteo agreed to co-star in Joey (wise move, that), and insisted that she would shoot that show and The Sopranos concurrently? Yeah, well right after that, Adriana got whacked.

I’m not saying that Watros’ Libby is a goner. I will, however, note that Watros and her drinking buddy Michelle Rodriguez are rumored to be awfully chummy, and rumors continue to fly about Rodriguez’s much hoped-for dismissal from Lost. So if it’s an open secret that Rodriguez is headed for the door, maybe her gal-pal Watros is quitting in a show of solidarity.

But you’ll have to ask Jordan for his thoughts. He’s the one who actually watches Lost, although I’m pretty sure his attention has drifted since they iced Somerhalder.

Oh, and if you think I’m indulging in baseless rumor-mongering by suggesting that Watros packs a box lunch (she is, after all, married with two children), let’s just say we know some people who went to college with her, and have stories.



‘Lost’ star Watros gets ‘Life’ in CBS pilot [Reuters]

‘Lost’ girls arrested for DUI [The Smoking Gun]

Remove Ana-Lucia (Michelle Rodriguez) from ‘Lost’ [Petitionspot]

Where’s your messiah NOW, huh?

Published by Rob on April 18, 2006 in Celebs, Features and News. 5 Comments

200604182132 That sound you hear is Tom Cruise sucking down a sweet slurp of nourishing placenta.

Earlier today, Holmesbot unclenched its fiberglass cervix and silently squeezed out 7 and pounds and 7 ounces of Suri, the human fetus conceived by Holmes and Cruise via traditional vaginal intercourse. Said intercourse was the product of the genuine heterosexual love felt by the Mission: Impossible 3 star for the bland starlet, currently appearing in Thank You for Smoking.

For many, the birth represented the long-awaited relief from a gruesome celebrity sideshow. $cientologists, however, rejoiced in the emergence of their new messiah. Sources say that during delivery, Holmes lost consciousness, only to awaken, dazed, in her Upper West Side high-rise apartment. Groggy, she wandered through the hallway, eventually entering a secret room in which Cruise, Kirstie Alley, Jason Lee, Beck, Paul Haggis, Anne Archer, Juliette Lewis, John Travolta, Kelly Preston and other stars stood, stark naked, over a black cradle.

Peering in to take a look at her firstborn, Katie gasped at what she saw: “What have you done to its eyes?!”

“She has her father’s eyes,” replied Jenna Elfman. At which point Katie fainted dead away. No one has determined if she has yet regained consciousness. Unconfirmed sources have reported, however, that Alley, motivated by Jenny Craig-induced desperation and a desire to be as close to the new messiah as possible, then attempted to eat little Suri, until Lee and Travolta took her down with a taser and a fifth of bourbon.

Although baby Suri is just hours old, the PEN15 Club has obtained the first photos of Scientology’s new chosen one: Isn’t she gorgeous?

Cruise, Holmes have baby girl named Suri [AP via Yahoo!]