That sound you hear is Tom Cruise sucking down a sweet slurp of nourishing placenta.
Earlier today, Holmesbot unclenched its fiberglass cervix and silently squeezed out 7 and pounds and 7 ounces of Suri, the human fetus conceived by Holmes and Cruise via traditional vaginal intercourse. Said intercourse was the product of the genuine heterosexual love felt by the Mission: Impossible 3 star for the bland starlet, currently appearing in Thank You for Smoking.
For many, the birth represented the long-awaited relief from a gruesome celebrity sideshow. $cientologists, however, rejoiced in the emergence of their new messiah. Sources say that during delivery, Holmes lost consciousness, only to awaken, dazed, in her Upper West Side high-rise apartment. Groggy, she wandered through the hallway, eventually entering a secret room in which Cruise, Kirstie Alley, Jason Lee, Beck, Paul Haggis, Anne Archer, Juliette Lewis, John Travolta, Kelly Preston and other stars stood, stark naked, over a black cradle.
Peering in to take a look at her firstborn, Katie gasped at what she saw: “What have you done to its eyes?!”
“She has her father’s eyes,” replied Jenna Elfman. At which point Katie fainted dead away. No one has determined if she has yet regained consciousness. Unconfirmed sources have reported, however, that Alley, motivated by Jenny Craig-induced desperation and a desire to be as close to the new messiah as possible, then attempted to eat little Suri, until Lee and Travolta took her down with a taser and a fifth of bourbon.
Although baby Suri is just hours old, the PEN15 Club has obtained the first photos of Scientology’s new chosen one: Isn’t she gorgeous?
Cruise, Holmes have baby girl named Suri [AP via Yahoo!]
Fuck Paul Haggis!
that fokkin’ ruled.
That picture of Holmes is freakin creepy.
I love it. It looks like she’s getting ready to launch into a kicky little song and dance number. With a really bad stage prop pregnancy pad.
My short, teenaged existance has been darkened.
Once pure and innocent, my birthday has passed each year without terribly much fanfare. And now, the 18th of April will forever been seen as the day TomKitten silently squawked itself free, posing for pictures just moments later, grabbing a weary mom around the shoulders in a seemingly innocent gesture of filial affection.
Woe am I.