The PEN15 Club

In what must be history’s longest pilgrimage back into the closet, Rosie O’Donnell will be replacing Meredith Vieira on ‘The View,’ according to Extra TV. And considering the alternatives (Connie Chung, Patricia Heaton and Soledad O’Brien), this decision marks ABC’s smartest move since it decided Josh Holloway should just stop wearing a shirt all together on the sandy shores of ‘Lost.’

Having recently returned to the mainland, Rosie is said to be adding her own special touch to the set of ‘The View.’ And by “special touch” I mean “overly-aggressive pressure applied by un-manicured fingers.” Some of the changes Ms. O’Donnell is reportedly making are:

• A new segment called The Echo Chamber, in which Rosie and Joy stand facing each other, shouting, “Echo!”
• Show to be broadcast with American Sign Language interpreter in the corner (what’s the sign for “indignant”?)
• Barbara will officially abstain from appearing on the show, lest everyone agrees to refer to Rosie as a man
• Meredith’s old dressing room to be renamed The BOXoffice
• Company daycare expands rapidly, but then stabilizes when Rosie’s kids are expelled for sharing photos of “square dancing night on the cruise ship” with fellow youngins
• Snide comments about Star’s vag now considered “fair game”
• Set dressing tweaked to allow for Rosie’s roast beef curtains
• Elizabeth Hasselbeck will trade her coffee for holy water

Why ever Rosie would quit her solo show only to take a gig with three self-ritious bitches is beyond me. But one thing is for certain: the lesbians are slowly taking over Daytime TV, and it’s about time we get to witness Kelly Ripa trade in her golden locks for a razor-cut side-spike just to keep the cameras on her, if you ask me.

Rosie O’Donnell Named Co-Host of The View [Extra]