Archive for April, 2006

It’s here!!! It’s finally here! And it’s REAL!

Published by Jordan on April 18, 2006 in Club News, News and Podcast. 1 Comment

04-18-06 2129It’s been a long time waiting. But when the folks in the mailroom at work plunked the package down in my office this afternoon, I knew it had finally arrived. I tore the boxes off the brand new PEN15 Podcast equipment and quickly devoured the plastic wrapping around the mixing board. Then the headphone amplifier tried to make a sound, I swiftly told it to be quiet lest Xenu send more thetans to inhabit its body.

Nevertheless, you’ll have a brand spanking new PEN15 Podcast by the end of the weekend. Thanks for being so patient!

Oh, and you may have been deceived by the title of this post. Yes, the TomKitten was allegedly born today. Now, Katie can remove the styrofoam from under her shirt and go back to having obscene cold sores. The lesson here is that pretending to be pregnant is just like being pregnant for real: you get to eat whatever the fuck you want for several months.

And as for the baby? I think a PEN15 commenter said it best in the previous post: “Like on a sitcom, this ”baby“ will be crawling next week, walking by the end of summer and attending school just in time for the fall season premiere.”

Tom & Katie & Baby [People] via Celebrity Hijinx (Can you believe the fucking disgusting retrospective “People” has done on this?!)

Placentamental

Published by Jordan on April 18, 2006 in Celebs, News, Rants and Recipes. 3 Comments

Xinsrc 4820403182104062238145Yes, we read about Placentagate. In case you haven’t, the story is that Tom Cruise semi-joked to GQ magazine that he planned on eating his child’s placenta and umbilical cord upon its birth. We as a society tend to try to forget that there exists an organ that the mother must also birth with the sole responsibility of exchanging the baby’s waste for nutrients. And while we shield our eyes in shame of the organ, Cruise is likely looking for the world’s best sushi chef to prepare the nearly-two-pound meal.

But here is where Cruise is smarter than us: If there is no baby, he can make up any damned thing he wants. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he planned on implanting the womb in his own body for the remainder of the baby’s term, or sought to breast feed the baby himself upon its birth. The point is if there is no baby, he doesn’t have to do any of that.

I mean, Cruise has already convinced us that he was able to get a female pregnant with a child that has seemingly taken about 14 months to come to term. Why not just keeping piling on the bullshit to see how far he can go?

One time I was able to convince a coworker who accidentally got his not-girflriend pregnant that it was customary for the father to eat the placenta after every birth. I told him it was just something no one really talked about. And while he believed me for about 24 hours (I had others in on the gag, too), the plot was blown when I produced a recipe for Placenta Almondine. Tom, I still have it if you don’t feel like going raw on the morning of the “birth.”

Tom Tucks In [Megastar]

What I didn’t learn in 4th grade

Published by Jordan on April 17, 2006 in Films and Potpourri. 7 Comments

Ugh. If only I wasn’t out sick with a case of pink eye that day in the fourth grade when Sister Cords undoubtedly showed this gem of a video. Things perhaps wouldn’t have ended up this way. This might be a sports blog instead of an assfucking and Gyllenhaal worshiping blog. (You’d like it anyway.)

But after watching this film warning the young, male youth of the 1950s of homosexuality, I feel as if I’ve learned a few valuable lessons:

  • “Thumbing” can also mean hitchhiking
  • “Homosexual” almost always means pedophile, particularly if greasy hair, a moustache and aviator glasses are involved
  • “One never knows when a homosexual is about” is so not true anymore… since the invention of the fanny pack
  • There used to be homosexuals named Ralph, which is perhaps why the name went out of fashion
  • Homosexuals may appear normal and “demand an intimate relationship with members of their own sex” – Demand? Oh, please. I’ve never demanded. I’ve begged, etc. But the demanding is solely owned by bossy bottoms, and these days they only account for, oh, say, 92% of all of us
  • Carrying a baseball glove might get me more play
  • Some priests drive Buicks

For those of you who don’t believe this clip is legit, the full-length video can be found here. I can’t wait for the modern-day remake starring Jamie Bell as the young corruptee and Wilem Dafoe as the dashing pedohomo.

Boys Beware [Internet Archive]

Boys Beware [YouTube] - Thanks, Jason!

A Mystery of Christ

Published by Jordan on April 17, 2006 in Potpourri and Rants. 9 Comments

550690980 LLet me just start this off with a disclaimer: I’m 90% sure this is a complete joke. And if it is, it’s fucking hilarious.

But here’s the thing: I enjoy the Myspace ever so slightly. Really, there’s some sick satisfaction I get out of finding high school classmates that got fat and/or popped out children, both of which are prerequisites for adult life in Minnesota. But as a young gay, I look at Myspace and feel self conscious that I wouldn’t even think of posting a photograph of my abs that I took in the mirror.

Yesterday, on Easter no less, I got a friend request (which I usually decline unless I know the person or could envision myself sleeping with the person) from a married Christian folk musical duo named Sandra and John. Everything seems pretty typical: photographs of them in a state of worship euphoria, I heart Jesus icons, forced lame humor, etc. But here’s the rub: they searched out young gays in the Boston area because they hope to turn them straight:

We converted a number of Homosexuals into the hands of Jesus and they have seen the light and found that being Straight is cool. We want to congratulate Krjs, Dan, Mikey, Aris, Jonah, Ashley, Katie, Christian, Amy Grant, Jamie, Samantha and Matt 1 and 2 for excepting the touch of the lord. Let us know if we changed your life and your name can be on our site.

Insane, no? You can even play a few of their songs, which, although humorously awful, must have taken a bit of time to write. Pretty far to go for a big joke, right? Also, usually with religious parody (particularly that of the Christian breed), there’s a dead giveaway somewhere. But nothing on this page seems particularly over-the-top in the context of religious zealots.

So I ask you, dear readers, what’s your take? Are John and Sandra comedic geniuses? Or just straight-up bat-shit-crazy bigots?

Either way, I accepted their friendship. And it’s funny: I’ve never wanted pussy more.

Sandra and John [Myspace]

Thou Durst protest too much

Published by Rob on April 13, 2006 in Anal, Celebs, Famous PEN15s and Gunts. 0 Comments

200604132149 Just how virtually-out-of-the-closet is John Travolta?

To most folks reporting on this Popbitch rumor - in which Revolta asks Fred Durst for mouthwash, then leans in for a kiss - the real story is the revelation that Johnny wears a hairpiece. Which, admittedly, is a little surprising. Maybe we can consider it progress that the loss of those luscious Vinnie Barbarino locks represents a bigger shock than a major-ish movie star making a sloppy plea for oral sex from a not-well-hung date-rape rocker.

If homosexuality is one of the false realities that the body thetans use to plague humanity, then what about fake hair? Or, for that matter, fake marriages?

Here’s hoping Johnny’s drag role as Edna Turnblad in the movie-of-the-musical-of-the-movie Hairspray is accompanied by a big “surprise” announcement that leaves Kelly Preston in Scien-tears.

Johnny wants mouthwash [CelebNewsWire]

Vanity Scare shows us another ass we never wanted to see

Published by Rob on April 13, 2006 in Anal, Celebs, Style and Waxing Techniques. 3 Comments

200604132117 This is worse than that time she cut her hair.

Memo to Keri Russell: If this were an episode of Felicity, Ben would dump you, and Noel would decide you’re a nasty slut and give you the silent treatment. In this month’s issue of Vanity Fair, Russell adopts her best Scarlett Johansson-style pale-prone-naked-ass pose to promote her 5-minute role in Mission: Impossible 3.

Because nothing sells a summer blockbuster like a good airbrush job. Plus, where are her breasts? And why does the combination of truckstop-waitress eye makeup and a closed mouth make it look like she’s concealing her lack of teeth?

Anyway, because the last thing we want is to bombard you with images of naked (shudder) women, here are some gratuitous shirtless shots of William Moseley, the older boy from The Chronicles of Narnia. Don’t worry, he’s not quite as young as you probably thought.



Keri Russell nude in Vanity Fair [Egotastic!]

Mo’ mo’ Moseley [JustJared]

It’s a Gyllengaard!

Published by Rob on April 11, 2006 in Celebs and Famous PEN15s. 3 Comments

200604112344 In what the PEN15 Club suspects is an extreme act of projection, Peter Sarsgaard has knocked up Maggie Gyllenhaal. The couple is currently planning a shotgun wedding.

Let’s hope Baby Gyllenhaal-Sarsgaard inherits Dad’s piercing eyes, Uncle Jake’s heart-melting smile and Mom’s, um…willingness to do frontal nudity in low-budget films.

Okay, scratch that. Let’s hope it inherits Uncle Jake’s everything.

Maggie Gyllenhaal, Peter Sarsgaard expecting baby [People.com]

Perez teases Lisa Whelchel, attempts to appropriate “gayface”

Published by Rob on April 11, 2006 in Gunts and TV. 8 Comments

200604112315 Lisa Whelchel fled from acting after The Facts of Life ended and has resigned herself to torturing web surfers with tales of her love for Jesus and her kids (in that order). She’s tamed her Blair Warner shag a bit, and recently donned a pair of sensible white Keds and a Canadian tuxedo for a trip to D.C., according to Perez Hilton.

Bor-ing. But wait a minute. Who’s that George Eads-looking fellow with his arm wrapped around Old Blair as they pose for a series of photos in front of phallic monuments? No, it’s not Nancy McKeon. It’s Lisa’s (apparently much younger) brother, whom Perez accuses of having “a severe case of gay face.”

What a delightful turn of phrase, Perez! What EVER could have inspired it?

Oh, and sorry boys - Lisa’s little bro is about to get married. She refers to their D.C. trip as their “last hurrah!” Which seems a little weird. Because last I checked, marriage doesn’t prevent a man from doing anything with his sister. Hopefully a weekend of staring at marble shafts and blossoming cherry trees cleared up whatever lingering issues needed to be resolved before the wedding.

Blair goes to Washington! Where’s Tootie?? [Perez Hilton]

Moses parts the red C

Published by Rob on April 10, 2006 in Bitches and Celebs. 2 Comments

200604101814 Gwyneth Paltrow has an excuse for no longer getting work: a new baby with hubby Christ - I’m sorry, Chris - Martin. And in a show of hubris that can only be called Paltrowian (Paltrwegian?), they’ve named the wee’un Moses. Just in time for Good Friday.

Martin’s band Coldplay apparently tipped off those who care by including a song called “Moses” on their last album. But I’m not a total douchebag, so I wouldn’t have caught the hint.

No word on when Gwyneth plans to resume assuring us that motherhood is more fulfilling than the parts she’s no longer being offered anyway.

Moses Martin joins a family that also includes the nearly 2-year-old Apple…wait a minute. Moses Martin? Doesn’t that sound like a series of straight-to-video blaxploitation movies from the ’80s? With Carl Weathers as an ex-con-turned-vigilante who keeps the streets of Gary, Indiana safe from crack dealers and pimps? And Pam Grier as the woman he loves?

Carl Weathers IS Moses Martin in…Chocolate Thunder. Coming soon to a Betamax near you.

Actress Paltrow gives birth to son Moses [Reuters]

A real life ‘Crash’ that didn’t involve Oprah and Hermes

Published by Jordan on April 10, 2006 in AC:Crazy, Potpourri and TV. 1 Comment

Andycooper-1You could almost hear the tears hitting the keyboard when Andie Cooper “blogged” about a harrowing tale of a gay bash-er and a gay bash-ed becoming friends 13 years after the bash-ing. (And by “blogged” I mean “had an intern transcribe a seemingly hastily-written and colloquial editorial that couldn’t have been more manufactured if it fell off an assembly line.”)

But perhaps Andie was writing from personal experience. From that time he was in Detroit at the ripe age of 18 and found himself at a roadside truck stop. There, as the tale goes, Andie was seduced into bottoming for a transsexual named Gertha. She opened all sorts of doors for the young go-getter, including the door to the stall in the mens room, where they blew lines of coke off her lipstick containers and practiced various feats of acrobatic sex.

When he left for NYC, he all but forgot about Gertha. One day – his first day at his new job at CNN – Andie was eating a pudding cup in the CNN cafeteria. He struck up a conversation with one of his new co-workers, impressed by her admirable calf muscles. Soon, he realized the lady he was talking to was none other than the tranny he knew as Gertha years ago.

Before parting ways, Anderson asked his long-lost friend, “So what’s your real name anyway, Gertha?”

To which she responded, “Here, you can call me Rita Cosby.”

Rea life ‘Crash’ in L.A. [CNN.com - Cooper Blog]

via Towleroad