It’s rare we write anything about Britney Spears. She’s more overdone than a New York strip at Applebees. As a general rule of thumb, our eyes glaze over every time we read something about Brit.
But that’s before we knew she had a hunky male nanny named Perry taking care of her child.
With those meat-slabs-for-arms, Perry could easy wrangle not one but two Federlijos. But he’d still have his arms free to catch Brit at every stumble and to French braid K-Fed’s hair, because he’d actually be holding both bambinos in his gargantuan pecs. Yes, Perry is not just an au pair. He’s an au half-dozen at least.
A few things that are awesome about being SPF’s male nanny:
- First dates. When someone goes on and on about how they work in finance like it’s the coolest job in the world. You can always say, “Yeah, I wipe shit off of Britney Spears’ kid’s ass.”
- Totally kick ass resume building material for applying to babysit Shiloh Jolie-Pitt.
- Totally kick ass resume building material for working in a Fetal Alcohol Syndrome clinic.
- Two words and one word: “Baby urine” and “Ebay.”
- Choreographed baby dancing to “Baby, One More Time” would score hella points with Brit.
I’m sure there are more, but my bed looks oh-so comfy….
I Hope They Find Love [Dlisted]
Joan Rivers has realized the full measure of ridiculousness now characterized by her career - and the moment was caught live on Australian television! Joan’s plastic surgery habit has apparently forced her to accept ignominious gigs such as presenting at the Logies, which I guess is the Australian equivalent of the Emmys.
Awash in cheap vodka and the sheer pathos of the situation, Joan uses her brief moment as a presenter to 1) harass her Australo-bot co-presenter (TV host Richard Wilkins), 2) make fun of the no-names in the room, 3) toss off some tired but necessary Mel Gibson and Nicole Kidman jokes, and 4) coin a pronunciation of “Cate Blanchett” that deserves a Logie all its own.
Bonus: Joan ends up presenting the trophy - which looks like a hot pink vibrator - to the Down Under version of Dancing with the Stars, and the 10-second clip has to be seen to be believed. Suddenly Kelly Monaco seems like the height of sophistication.
And Melissa Rivers becomes an object of some sympathy.
Thanks to our hot new Australian friend Ethan for the link. Well, we’ve never seen him, but we’ve been led to believe that all Australians are hot and, frankly, it’s a fantasy we’re willing to indulge.
Joan Rivers at the Logies [YouTube]
“I’m a gypsy. I can see beauty in a jail cell,” said Michelle Rodriguez about her pending 60-day prison sentence. And while I don’t exactly know what that means – and I suspect she was misquoted while actually saying, “I can see beauty in a bearded clam shell,” – things must have looked much more grim from inside the clink. Rodriguez spent a smidgen over 4 hours in jail before being released.
Released on a technicality involving overcrowded jail cells in CA and the fact that within those four hours, Michelle had managed to incite a riot over a rogue summer squash, Rodriguez will instead serve 30 days of community service and two years of probation.
Of course, as her community service, a judge has permitted Rodriguez to simply not act for a month, which is a more generous service to the community than anyone could possibly ask for.
Upon exiting the prison, Rodriguez was heard saying, “Well at least half of the broads in there know that I’ve got more to offer than bitchin’ empanadas. Now, which way to the Pink Taco?”
Michelle Rodriguez gets out of jail early [People]
What’ll they think of the Bearded Clamshack? [P15]
Poor Tom Cruise thought she was going to be the cock of the box office walk this May with Emission: Impossible 3. But now that Memorial Day weekend has passed, it’s clear that Hollywood has a new sheriff in town.
That’s right. From Friday through Monday, $163 million worth of people paid to see movies starring Sir Ian McKellen.
Okay, fine. There’s no evidence that people flocked to X-Men: The Last Stand and The Da Vinci Code because of McKellen. And he only has third billing in both. But between these blockbusters and the Lord of the Rings trilogy, today’s youthful, comic book-loving fanboys have been exposed to so much McKellen that I like to think the whole generation will grow up with a strong appreciation for tastily delivered bons mots.
Seriously, folks. Ian McKellen is the best. Unlike most actors, he can maintain his dignity even while wearing a ridiculous costume, or speaking dialogue by Akiva Goldsman. He acted the paint off the walls in Gods and Monsters. His Richard III gave me nightmares.
And best of all, because he’s an openly gay man in his 60s, we don’t have to endure endless US Weekly stories about his burgeoning “baby bump.” He’ll never give birth to a child named Kingston or Shiloh. And if he ever has an affair with Brad Pitt, chances are we won’t hear about it.
So here’s to you, Ian McKellen. Consummate actor. Box office superstar. InTouch persona non grata.
Weekend Box Office: May 26 - 29, 2006 [Box Office Mojo]
We’ve been awfully easy on Oprah lately - perhaps because it’s difficult to keep up with her antics. Big O went all Bridget Hilliard on our asses with her Legends Ball - a diamond-dripping nouveau riche wankfest in which Oprah wore a red gown to her own white-tie affair, and the graying likes of Phylicia Rashad and Angela Bassett were considered “young ‘uns” at a Vaseline-lensed luncheon in which the only thing getting in the way of an all-inclusive cunnilingus train was the size of the ladies’ hats.
Did you notice who didn’t make the guest list? No, not just Condi and Star. How ’bout Lil’ Kim, MC Lyte or Foxy Brown? Maybe it’s because Oprah hates rappers (Missy Elliott being the exception that proves the rule, and in this case it helps when the exception craves pussy). Ice Cube, 50 Cent and Ludacris have all called out Miss Winfrey on her indifference to the hip hop community. Personally, I love this quote from Cube, who points out Winfrey’s hypocrisy when it comes to respecting those who’ve achieved the American dream:
She’s had damn rapists, child molesters and lying authors on her show. And if I’m not a rags-to-riches story for her, who is?
Oprah best be careful - the “rags” part of these guys’ rags-to-riches stories usually includes stabbings and gunplay. Maybe the next “legends” event can be a Detroit freestyle battle. That way, she’d at least have an excuse for forgetting to invite Condi.
Oprah Winfrey’s Legends Ball [ABC]
Ice Cube joins voices against Oprah [AP via Yahoo!]
I don’t watch American Idol - officially - but I have to give kudos to Robbie at The Malcontent for his peerless, exhaustive chronicling of this season’s many, many lows, including corpulent homophobe (but DAY-um what a voice) Mandisa, that simpering nitwit Kellie Pickler, and dreamy Ace Young.
Following AI Malcontent-style is a lot funnier and more efficient than watching the actual show, plus you can shop online while doing it.
As for the actual outcome of this season’s contest, I think Taylor Hicks’ victory just proves that a plurality of the voting public is actually made up of female, single, fortysomething, trailer-dwelling barflies. Think Allison Janney in Drop Dead Gorgeous. Maybe they would be more accurately called the “Skoal Patrol.”
And if I see arrogant, dead-eyed Kat around Boston, I’ll be sure to shout: “Your Destiny is to lose, muthafucka!
It’s the circle of awful, Simba [The Malcontent]
First, Heath Ledger boldly played a gay romantic lead - and happened to knock up his female co-star.
Now, when said co-star Michelle Williams potentially gets it on with an androgynous Cate Blanchett in Todd Haynes’ upcoming Bob Dylan inspired movie, Heath will be appearing as well. Williams has made an admirable commitment to girl-on-girl in the past: Remember that NSFW scene with Chloe Sevigny from If These Walls Could Talk 2?
And though it’s obviously coincidental, I love this trend of Heath and Michelle co-starring in projects where one is involved in a gay romance. Of course, there’s no telling how much action actually happens between Cate and Michelle. But Haynes is the director who was smart enough to toss Ewan McGregor in the sack with Jonathan Rhys Meyers in Velvet Goldmine, and to sic Dennis Quaid on that blonde, twinky pool boy in Far From Heaven. So we’ll keep our fingers crossed.
Williams, Ledger on Dylan bio [Hollywood Reporter]
Condi Rice’s Boston College commencement speech is met with exponentially more approval than protest, and those who did protest were mostly just angry that she’s not “Jesuit” enough. As if Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s diploma wasn’t enough to make you hate BC forever. No word on whether Condi spent Graduation Eve trolling Cleveland Circle for naive coed trim. [The Boston Herald]
A cruel parody of the time-honored tradition of slutty starlets angling for attention on the Croisette, Tara Reid’s Cannes appearance cements her legacy as this century’s answer to Sally Kirkland. And, as usual, the tits are a problem. [Hollywood Rag]
Speaking of Cannes, Southland Tales, writer-director Richard Kelly’s long-awaited Donnie Darko follow-up, is officially the sinus-clearing catastrophe of the festival. Which is what happens when you earn goodwill with a movie starring both Gyllenhaals, and follow it with a movie starring The Rock, Stifler and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. [Green Cine]
I ran across this ad featuring Anderson Cooper’s iPod playlist, and found that Gawker had reported on it, but neglected to mention the sad irony of Andie’s selection of “Proud Mary” as one of his favorites. [Gawker]
Thanks to reader Victor who sent this clip in. A newswoman declares that she’ll be speaking to a gentleman that’s climbed Mt. Everest, but wait! Not just any man. In fact, only a partial man… a gay man. And by “gay,” she meant “blind.”
Hey. It’s an easy mistake to make. Gay men are a repressed group of butt sex loving, home decorating, purse carrying, sport hating hedonists. Blind men can’t see. See? Oh yeah, and blind men spend most of their time with a stick in their hands. I could go on.
Really, there’s no excuse for the mistake, but despite the similarities between the two minority groups, there are plenty of other reasonable explanations for why Cynthia Izaguirre from Action 7 News fucked the line up:
- Ever since last December, every time the word “mountain” is used, it is immediately and unabashedly done so in context of gay sex. Actually, Ang Lee and his gang forever ruined the word as one free of sexual meaning. Like these: plug, beads, bear, Twinkie, rim, fag, and, uh, gay. Cynthia simply couldn’t wrap her brain around the word being associated with something wholesome.
- She is sitting next to a guy named Craig. And he’s wearing a turquoise tie. You do that and try not to think of fags.
- Eric, the young man who climbed the mountain, is a gay blind man. And before you tell me that it’s impossible to be gay without being able to see a jaw line, just have a chat with these guys.
- Cynthia was just thinking how it would be a far more extraordinary feat if a fag climbed Everest. After all, she knows that most gay men just find it easier to stay on the bottom.
- Cynthia was viewing a satellite feed of the young man before we had a chance to see it. And in his haste to get ready to be on the news that morning, he accidentally put on his Judy Tenuta t-shirt, and mistook his wallet for a red handkerchief.
Gay Mount Everest [YouTube]
Thanks, Vincent
I actually cried while watching the Brandon Davis “fire crotch” video. I actually cried. It’s absolutely the saddest, cruelest, most depressing thing I’ve ever seen. Fat, sweaty Davis and his cackling cohort, Paris “love that Downy softness” Hilton (seriously, she looks like the banjo-playing inbred kid in Deliverance) are actually making fun of Lindsay Lohan because she has red hair.
Red. Hair. And because she only has $7 million in the bank. Just…wow. These two pavement-licking, yay-blowing, sentence-fragmenting, shiny, dead-eyed walking personifications of the elemental truth that money is the root of all evil have the nerve to say a word against someone who at least worked for her fortune. I’m disgusted. And I’m going to bed.
It was kinda funny when he said her clitoris was 7 feet long, though.
Paris and Brandon trash Lindsay [TMZ]
It’s rare we write anything about Britney Spears. She’s more overdone than a New York strip at Applebees. As a general rule of thumb, our eyes glaze over every time we read something about Brit.
