Archive for June, 2006

If a block of wood falls in the forest…

Published by Rob on June 28, 2006 in Star Jones Reynolds and TV. 0 Comments

200606282107 Look who got lost in Mrs. Reynolds’ expansive, metropolis-darkening shadow: Today was Charles Gibson’s last day on Good Morning America. Did you realize this? Do you care?

We don’t. At all. Except to note the irony that poor Charlie had probably staked this day as his swan song months before Star’s barbecue-starved hormones prompted yesterday’s flip out. 19 years of service to the ABC morning show, and this is what he gets. A farewell that’s a mere footnote, not in entertainment news, but in ABC morning show-related entertainment news pertaining to this week in June.

Hey, at least he got a kiss from Diane Sawyer - possibly a first for any man. (Mike Nichols doesn’t count.)

Gibson’s ‘GMA’ goodbye [E! Online]

“And then there were three” (hundred fewer pounds onstage)

Published by Rob on June 28, 2006 in Bitches, Gunts, Rants, Star Jones Reynolds and TV. 7 Comments

200607011001 It couldn’t have been better if Star had been dragged off the set screaming “You tell them I got fired! Tell them all!”

After Starzilla’s impromptu, unscripted “I won’t be back next year” meltdown on yesterday’s View (which I thought played like an acceptance speech for an award no one was giving her), the ABC brass wasted no time in barring her mesquite-flavored ass from the set. Folks at the Alphabet net weren’t wild about TV’s most controversial non-lesbian daytime talk personality bitching about her dismissal to anyone who would listen. So Barbara, on today’s show, mercilessly hung her out to dry, then affected sensitivity before moving promptly onto the day’s Hot Topic.

Uh, I have a practical question. Does this mean Barbara’s going to be on five days a week now? If not, is the show just going to be Joy stifling her rage while Elisabeth goes on and on about how she loves being a married Christian mom, and how gay people should just be happy with civil unions? What is to become of Big Gay Al’s leather thong allowance? I want answers, goddammit!

Maybe Star will help us out when she appears on Larry King Live tomorrow night. Although, given Ol’ Larry’s recent track record of asking timely and relevant questions, we’ll probably just find out Star’s thoughts on such pertinent topics as “As a black woman, do you enjoy Liza Minnelli?” and “Who do you think is sexier? Scott Bakula or Mark Harmon?”

Shooting Star [The Malcontent]

UPDATED: Fuck no! They took the video down! Well, if you missed it, sorry. It was enough to put the fear of Barbara into Debbie Matenopoulos himself. Er, herself.

UPDATED AGAIN: Waaaaay slow on the uptake here, but thanks to Robbie of The Malcontent for coming to my rescue. Fresh!

Pop the cork on that bottle of gravy: Star Jones Reynolds ‘fired’ from ‘The View’!

Published by Jordan on June 27, 2006 in Bitches, News, Star Jones Reynolds and TV. 10 Comments

Watch it again, kids, because if you’re like us, seeing naked pictures of Gyllenhaal wouldn’t stiffen your nipples like this gem.

It was rumored for oh-so long. Deliciously speculated. And now, in a lengthy, canned on-air admission, the incredible shrinking Star Jones Reynolds announced that she would no longer be tormenting us from her perch on “The View.”

That’s right. Ya’ll can stop sending in the tips, because don’t think we didn’t have email alerts registered with Google to let us know when a piece of news with the words “star jones reynolds,” “quit,” “really quite sad,” and “heartfelt” hit the press. We couldn’t get home from work soon enough.

It’s been so long that I have seen “The View” that I failed to notice how iguana-like Star has become… really, quite terrestrial. While watching the above clip, I kept waiting for Sigourney Weaver to bust through the wall and launch a missile at the leathery velociraptor in the pink coat. But to no avail. Instead, only a scripted statement that was as much an apology, and the joy of watching Joy feign shock and stifle elation. In fact, I’m guessing in the weeks to come we’re really going to learn how Ms. Behar got her first name.

And just as we all begin to wonder who’s going to try to fill the giant ass marks embossed into the world’s unluckiest sofa, the plot thickens! Star has reportedly admitted to “People” that she was, indeed, fired from The View. That’s right, folks. The woman who couldn’t admit that E! fired her from the red carpet, who couldn’t admit that she had an embarrassingly botched breast lift, and who couldn’t admit her husband has yet to locate her inner-thighs, has decided to open right the fuck up about being snubbed out of a tenth season by the Barbara Walters, the good witch.

Stay tuned for a Star Jones Reynolds retrospective. It may be time to retire the PEN15 category devoted to the beastress, as it’s quite likely that we won’t be seeing her name or face for a very, very long time. Unless, of course, you pay close attention to the models in Layne Bryant ads.

Star Jones Sacked From ‘The View’ [SF Gate]
Star Jones Reynolds: ‘I was fired!’ [People]

What happens in Vegas? Gays in Vegas

Published by Rob on June 26, 2006 in AC:Crazy, Celebs and Famous PEN15s. 0 Comments

200606262306 How gay is Vin Diesel? So gay, apparently, that gamblers have actually placed 4-1 odds on him coming out of the closet. The site BetUS.com, which has laid down odds as to which closet case will crack next (with folks like Oprah and Keanu bringing up the, erm, rear), uses such evidence as Diesel’s insistence on “dating in Europe” and, presumably, this photo.

Vin is considered a slightly less sure bet than Jakey (sigh…), who posts 5-2 odds, and Peyton Manning (go figure) at 7-2.

Amazingly, all of the above stars are considered better bets than Anderson “Even Your Stroke Victim Grandfather Knows” Cooper - not because they’re more likely to be gay, but because he’s just such a pussy. Cooper posts 20-1 odds - barely beating Miss Tom Cruise at 25-1.

And to think, I might have put my money on Andie. But apparently that would be the equivalent of rolling (one-eyed) snake eyes.

Vin Diesel, Jake Gyllenhaal, Oprah Winfrey all favorites to come out of the closet [Gambling 911]

Dueling Tenors: Rock and Bea do the drug ditty

Published by Jordan on June 26, 2006 in Celebs and Potpourri. 2 Comments

200606261436

This video can’t be embedded in the post, so click here to open it in a new window in YouTube.

When, friends, were we so easily entertained? Were the ’80s so bland that dressing two queens up in evening wear and having them sashay across the stage matching harmonies about doing drugs was considered entertainment? No wonder why drugs were so big.

My favorite part of this little gem, sent in by P15 informant Bill, is the blocking and direction. (Yes, my community theater lingo has stayed with me through the years.) Not only are Bea Arthur and Rock Hudson singing a showtune about drug use, but their only props are cocktails, their costumes are straight off the set of “Auntie Mame,” and the on-camera action is limited to moving from sitting on fancy furniture to standing next to fancy furniture. The entire song is cut to suggest that it took place over the course of a romantic dinner between the two singers. That’s right. Romantic. Bea Arthur. And Rock Hudson. Oh, how naive we were in the 80s.

I only wish they hadn’t cut the last verse. Thank goodness the PEN15 Club has obtained the original lyrics:

Rock:

Remember when a rim job was what you gave a margarita,

and a rusty trombone was just part of the band?

Bea:

And when roast beef curtains were the best meal of your life,

and a pretty pearl necklace was what you gave to your wife?

Rock:

But now you gotta visit

a truck stop to get busy.

Bea:

And wear a pair of jeans

to hide your secret penis.

Both:

Everybody today is turnin’ on!

Except for us. Really.

Bea & Rock Turnin’ On [YouTube]

RIP Round-Up

Published by Rob on June 24, 2006 in Bitches, Celebs and News. 1 Comment

200606241052 Just after word came that Aaron Spelling, king of the nighttime soap, had gone off to that great Love Boat in the sky, we’ve learned that ovarian cancer has taken Least Convincing “Grieving” Mother Patsy Ramsey. She’s heading to an afterworld where JonBenet is probably waiting with a pack of Lucky Strikes and an aluminum baseball bat.

All I’m saying is it’s been a bad day for stage parents.

And that we’d better get a Very Special Episode of So NoTORIous out of this next season.

Aaron Spelling, producer of TV’s ‘Charlie’s Angels,’ dead at 83 [Bloomberg]

Mother of JonBenet Ramsey dies of cancer [MSNBC]

More lies about Reese Witherspoon

Published by Rob on June 22, 2006 in Bitches and Celebs. 0 Comments

200606221911 Reese Witherspoon wants you to know that she’s not pregnant, she’s not lying to producers about not being pregnant, and her lousy, empire waist-addicted fashion choices aren’t a ruse to hide her “baby bump.” She’s even willing to sue Star Magazine to prove it. (Although, seriously. Look at her in her Golden Globe dress. This is clearly a woman with something to hide.)

Because we know she’s sensitive about such things, the PEN15 Club is generously taking the opportunity to clear up some other misconceptions about Reese. Misconceptions such as:

  • Reese’s husband Ryan Phillippe is not actually human, but is the result of a revolutionary breakthrough in animatronic technology. There are actually 9 different Ryan Phillippes in current circulation. At a given time, one is accompanying Reese to awards ceremonies or running shirtless in public, while the other eight are having their fiberglass abs refinished. In 1998, Reese’s management team enlisted the world’s most prominent robotics specialists to ensure that their client had the finest in renewable arm candy.
  • The real father of Ava and Deacon? Paul Newman. Yep, they’ve been getting it on ever since Paul played Reese’s daddy in Twilight. The man’s got stamina. In return, Joanne Woodward demands five minutes alone with Phillippebot #4 every month.
  • On the set of Legally Blonde 2, a drunken Sally Field broke into Reese’s trailer, awoke her from a nap, and shrieked: “Study this face, bitch! This is you in 30 years!”
  • Reese likes to tell stories about her homespun upbringing in Tennessee, but she neglects to mention that she was organizing Klan rallies by the time she was 12, and attained the level of Grand High Wizard at 15. A selection of empire-waisted white robes is actually hanging in her closet right now.
  • She referred to Matthew Broderick as “Mary” on the set of Election.
  • She invented the highly rarefied sexual practice known as “chinfucking.”
  • She spent a week in Terri Schiavo’s hospital room as research for her role in Just Like Heaven.
  • On Oscar night, she immediately mounted her trophy - and we don’t mean on the mantle.

Reese walks the line to court [E! Online]

Cameron Diaz: Topless robot

Published by Rob on June 21, 2006 in Celebs and Waxing Techniques. 0 Comments

200606212248 What if a once-red-hot star staged an easy nude “candid” photo op, and no paparazzi showed up?

What if you were on vacation in the Bahamas, relaxing with a pina colada, and you caught sight of a topless Cameron Diaz frolicking with Drew Barrymore in the tropical surf? What if Topless Cameron then “sent her friends into fits of laughter by performing a comic robotic dance?” What would you do? I think I might take a bunch of pictures, then sell them to The Sun in the U.K. just out of courtesy.

Poor Cameron must have assumed somebody would snap up those shots, so that her Topless Self would be featured prominently and globally online within the day. But - yawn - seems like her tits are nobody’s business these days but Timberlake’s.

And in other Publicity-Desperate Celebrity News…

Cher hadn’t done anything in awhile, so she’s throwing her not-terribly-substantial weight behind a pressing issue: She’s speaking out against inadequate military helmets. Not for the benefit of American soldiers in Iraq, of course, but to protect pill poppers in skiing accidents.

Cameron Diaz’s topless treat [Female First]

Cher pushing safer military helmets [AP via Yahoo!]

There’s something about People’s Hottest Bachelors…

Published by Jordan on June 20, 2006 in Celebs and News. 9 Comments

Taylor Hicks240Aaaaaand we’re back. And if there’s one thing I learned about Mexico, it’s that my five years of Español was wasted because the entire damn country speaks better English than I do.

It may be old news by now, but I just had to comment on People’s Hottest Bachelors of 2006. I know many of you gays have probably experienced the same thing, but I am often accused of thinking everyone is gay. I am continually surprised by the breeders that gasp in disbelief when I make a reference to Ms. Cruise’s sexuality. I want to shake them and say, “Where in god’s name have you been?!” but I’m afraid with the mere act of shaking, another gay will be priced out of the South End by Waspy McWasperton and his fat wife. The fact of the matter is, I don’t care what a celebrity’s actual orientation is. It’s simply fun to postulate. And fantasize.

But I couldn’t help but notice that this year’s list of bachelors – stacked with more men of ambiguous sexuality than a Coldplay concert – seems like it would have fit better in Details magazine than People. Because if Details has taught us anything, it’s that one’s sexuality is not a detail worth mentioning.

Let’s start at the top.

  • Taylor Hicks: Won American Idol, which, as we all know, involves singing a solo into Seacrest’s purple-headed microphone.
  • Nick Lachey: Really, not too much gay about him. But I bet the guy who does his eyebrows is a dainty-fingered man-lover.
  • Gyllenhaal: I hate to reference our own website, but this topic has been discussed ad nauseum. Also, his blurb is pronoun-free.
  • Donald Faison: “I like the idea of a woman … ‘giving me a pedicure.’ ” Really? That’s the first thing that comes to mind?
  • Camilo Villegas: I don’t know who this is, but I know he’s a pro golfer. Golf? Might as well be a wedding planner. Find a real sport, Nancy.
  • Ace Young: I don’t even think is sexuality is up for dispute. He says, “I will have as many kids as I can afford.” C’mon. Only the gays have the audacity to buy children, Ace.
  • Jon Tenney: His ex is Teri Hatcher. Which means he’s either gay or always, always drunk.
  • Kenny Chesney: We’ve already paved this road with glitter and foundation.
  • Matthew McConaughey: I’m pretty certain he’s openly admitted to making it with guys before, but somehow that just makes him that much straighter in my eyes.
  • Chris Evans: Any speculation on my part would be completely rooted in my own desire, although his “secret crush” on Sandra Bullock pings ever so slightly.
  • Archie Kao: I don’t know who this is either, but he writes of his inspiration, “Few people have the same social and ethical influence as Oprah. I want a partner who has Oprah-esque qualities.” FIrst, those may be the gayest words to ever appear in written word. Secondly, no straight man, no matter what, uses the word “partner” outside of the context of business or sports. Never ever ever.
  • Seacrest: You’ve got to be kidding me.

Hottest Bachelors 2006 [People]

Happy birthday Nicole! We liked you better as a miserable divorcee!

Published by Rob on June 20, 2006 in Celebs. 0 Comments

200606202255 Nicky Kidman is 39 today, and while we say “good on you, Nicole!” for not yet tripping on a flight of stairs and shattering, we’re kind of disappointed that she’s reportedly getting re-hitched any minute now.

No, it’s not just that she’s following Cold Mountain co-star Renee Zellweger down the dubious path of marrying a slightly effeminate country singer. It’s more that, even though we like Nicole, we don’t really like seeing her happy.

Don’t get me wrong. We wish her the best. But just as Nicole the Actress is way better at harrowing dramas (like Dogville) and black comedies (like To Die For) than earnest action movies (Days of Thunder) and light comedies (Bewitched), Nicole the Personality is far more palatable as a jilted, Naomi Watts-canoodling divorcee than as a blushing newlywed.

Barring a quickie divorce, I guess the best we can hope for as far as trouble in Kidmanland goes is for Connor to take up drug-dealing, or for little Isabella to get pregnant. I can’t wait to see how much we appreciate Kidman when she feels she’s failed completely as a mother!

Paparazzi head to Sydney as Kidman prepares to wed Urban [ABC Online]