If the pie chart illustrating Americans’ support for a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage were an actual pie – say, rhubarb, the gayest of all pies – it would be shared by Karl Rove and Ted Kennedy, Rove devouring the blue half of the pie, and Kennedy feasting on the red, because, ya know, he’s 3% less fat than Rove. The remaining sliver would be shipped in a styrofoam to-go container to Condi, who would immediately assume it was a subtle jab at her own sexuality, but then proceed to burry her face in the box and munch on the pink, fleshy goodness… of the rhubarb.
My soul always fades a little closer to death whenever I see the gay marriage debate appear on the front page of CNN.com. It just reminds me that people who have never suffered any sort of discrimination whatsoever are making important decisions about my future, and my ability to have a happy and healthy family life. It reminds me that I have to split my goddamned pie fifty-fifty with the gluttonous, obese, Jesus-fucking pigs that got us into this hate-filled mess in the first place. It reminds me that all of these despicable cunts are then going to tout my apparent sick obsession with the same sex across the front page of every media outlet, in a show of pointless political bravado.
Well, fuck you and the fucking missionary position you fuck in, fuckers. If you take away my right to marry (remember, this Club is in Mass.), I’ll just fucking adopt all of your fucking unwanted kids and raise them to hate fuckwads like you. How do you like them apples, Other Half?
Sorry. That got a lot more hostile than I originally expected. Conversations about pie normally end better than that. But as long as Dolly Parton remains married (and thus not interested in marrying me), I’m banking on this whole gay marriage thing working out.
Well, you know, Mexicans were the problem last week. This week it’s us.
I’ll bet Bill Frist likes to get peed on by underage boys.
Under-age Mexican boys who like to burn American flags no less.
You know, not all of us straight folk are against gay marriage. I just don’t understand how anyone could be against the marriage of two people who love each other.
Or take a cue from the Hidden Cameras song and ban marriage for all, gay or straight (…blue pie, red pie, and indeterminate pie included).
“Well, fuck you and the fucking missionary position you fuck in, fuckers.”
Best quote ever.
I almost puked all over my clock/radio this morning listening to the news.
If “they” really want to preserve the sanctity of marriage, they should go after Brangelina.
xo
Is Rove fatter than Kennedy? i’m not sure I can believe that.
Gah.. you really hit the nail on the head about having straights write the rules for gays, it really doesn’t make any sense, it’s not like we aren’t citizens!
I agree wholeheartedly. And also think you’re really kinda hot when angry.
Really enjoy your blog, but I’m a little put-off by the constant usage of the word “fat” to conote someone who is disgusting, irrelevant, conservative, or otherwise fucktarded.
I’m fat. I’m also cool, smart, kind and completely of the opinion that no one should be able to make gays into second class citizens.
It used to be completely funny to most Americans to make fun of gay people. In many places, to many people, it still is. But I would say that currently, it is more acceptable to make fun of fat people. In fact, I would go so far as to say that gay-bashing — in all educated circles, at least — has slipped into the “unacceptable” category. Yet, making fun of fat people remains utterly hilarious, as though being fat is a choice I made — yes, I love being made fun of constantly! Please, tell me how ugly you think I am!
Just lay off it a little, huh? Something about members of a still-oppressed-but-slightly-less-oppressed-than-before group making merry — pretty consistenly and usually in a rude fashion — with members of a still-very-much-maligned group smacks very much of Dawn in “Welcome to the Dollhouse” calling her friend — who is slightly further down the totem pole of popularity than she is — a douche, just because he’s the only person she feels dominance over.
Which, yuck.