Archive for July, 2006

Long and “Hard”

Published by Rob on July 31, 2006 in Films. 7 Comments

200607312049 I’ll bet you thought nothing we could say would make you want to see Die Hard 4. If you’re like us, you probably no longer care what violent act of Eastern European terrorism rips Bruce Willis’ tank top off, because he’s so fucking old.

But wait - what if we told you that “I’m a Mac” Daddy Justin Long - aka Jordan’s imaginary boyfriend - had been cast opposite Bruce in the forthcoming Die Hard installment, Reset? We don’t know if Justin’s playing a villain, a sidekick, or Bruce’s hapless great-grandson.

But we do know that we’re cutting out of work early next Friday to be at the first matinee of Justin’s new movie Accepted, and we’ll gladly stand in line to see him twink up this stale, tedious relic of the worst in ’80s-movie excess.

Justin Long joins the ‘Die Hard 4′ cast [Rottentomatoes]

Of walking oxymorons

Published by Jordan on July 29, 2006 in Potpourri and Rants. 18 Comments

Queen1I know you’ve all been baffled at how The PEN15 Club has seemingly gotten rid of any grammatical errors and confused references in its posts. But now I shall let you in on the secret: I haven’t posted anything in awhile, and Rob has aptly kept the boat afloat. So now that I’m back at the keyboard, you’ll have to excuse us as our collective prose returns to its previous levels.

But tonight, instead of the latest news criticism and Dakota Fanning joke, I’m going to try something a little bit different. I am going to tell you a story. A story about baby dykes and Freddie Mercury. Bear with me. I found it quaint.

This half of the P15 Club is located in Jamaica Plain, which is the bearded clambake capital of Massachusetts. What I mean by that is that there’s a lot of lez to go around. If you’ve never seen a Dunkin Donuts that makes almost its entire profit off of hazelnut ice coffee and cherry pie, you’ve never been to JP.

I was on the subway returning from a film (read: cruising in the Common) and I spotted something that is becoming more and more common in these parts: a baby dyke. You know who I’m talking about. She’s about 5′1“, 150lbs, striped polo shirt tightly tucked into her baggy jeans, buzz-cut hair, and two or three variations of the Livestrong bracelet on her wrists. She wears the smug look of gender superiority on her shiny face, and the tail end of an Ace bandage peeks out through her sleeve.

This particular baby dyke wore a baseball cap with the Queen logo emblazoned on it. Yes, that Queen. The Queen that rocked us, socked us, picked us up and dropped us. On her back was a rolling backpack the size of a mini fridge, but seemingly empty. And to top it off, our baby dyke – let’s call her, ummmm, Lisa – carried a Discman. You remember them, right? And if you’re in a metropolitan area, you still see them sometimes being carried by the ”alternative“ set in some bold act of defiance. No, fucktard. They’re not retro-chic. Get a fucking iPod. Loser.

About four stops into our journey, Lisa took a seat directly across from me, and hoisted the luggage from her back. She gingerly unzipped it and rustled around inside for a moment. Form my vantage point, I could clearly see that there was only one object in the giant backpack, which Lisa soon withdrew from its opening: a huge fucking case of CDs. You know; one of those books - two CDs tall and two wide.

Continue reading ‘Of walking oxymorons’

The Jews made Mel drink and drive

Published by Rob on July 29, 2006 in Celebs and Rants. 5 Comments

mel.jpg
Now that the always-crafty TMZ has uncovered the real story behind Mel Gibson’s “incident-free”

Thursday night DUI -blaming Jews for all the world’s wars, calling a female officer “sugar tits,” and almost peeing on the floor of the booking cell - we think Mel could revitalize his career by starring in a movie version of the experience. It would all take place over the course of one night, with just a few sets and characters. Kind of like Scorsese’s After Hours, if Griffin Dunne spent the whole movie drunk and accusing people of usury.

The role of arresting officer James Mee could provide a meaty opportunity for openly gay character actor B.D. Wong. Hell, Mel could even direct it himself. All he needs is a title. Too bad Tequila Sunrise, Conspiracy Theory and Lethal Weapon are already taken.

Gibson’s anti-Semitic tirade - alleged cover-up [TMZ]

Lohan’s boss calls bullshit

Published by Rob on July 28, 2006 in Bitches, Celebs and Films. 1 Comment

060626_lohan_vmed_3p.widec.jpg Did you care at all when you heard about Lindsay Lohan’s latest hospitalization? That girl spends more time in the ER than Maura Tierney, you probably thought, skimming past the headline to read about which Scientologist was claiming to have seen Suri Cruise in person this week.

But Lohan’s latest brush with “exhaustion” is the last straw for James G. Robinson, CEO of Morgan Creek Productions, the company behind Georgia Rule - you know, that movie that Lindsay’s having trouble showing up to actually work on.

Robinson fired off a savage missive threatening to hold Lowhands financially responsible for fucking up his movie, which co-stars Jane Fonda, Felicity Huffman and Dermot Mulroney and is directed by noted crap aficionado Garry Marshall.

Wait a second - Lindsay would rather choke on a cocktail of Stoli/redbull, cocaine and Harry Morton’s well-heeled cum than show up for work with (sigh) Dermot Mulroney? Then, you know what? They should fire her, and not just because her last splashy star vehicle (Just My Luck) actually made less money than her last indie labor-of-love (A Prairie Home Companion), despite playing nearly four times as many venues.

Lindsay may be young, but she’s old enough to realize that the combination of “difficult” and “box office poison” can dislodge one from even the mightiest of heights. If she actually showed up for work with Jane Fonda, she might have learned that lesson by now.

Hollywood big blasts Lohan [The Smoking Gun]
‘Overheated’ Lindsay Lohan taken to hospital [MSN]

Maybe it should be called “Two Scoops”

Published by Rob on July 27, 2006 in Celebs, Gunts and Style. 1 Comment

200607270755 As if the indignities of The Island, A Good Woman and (we hear) this week’s Scoop weren’t enough, Scarlett Johansson can’t even endorse a line of Reebok shoes without having her unstarlet-like cellulite captured by the cameras. Does anyone else think a slightly dimpled thigh is a better alternative to the boy-bosoms and violently jutting clavicles we’re used to seeing on actresses Scarlett’s age? Let’s hope she turns the tide. We love the kimono/shorty robe ensemble she’s rocking.

Before stopping by the Canton, MA-based Reebok HQ to launch the line, Scarlett swung into Boston to dine at Stella, a PEN15 favorite. And, cellulite be damned, ordered the ironic dessert of lemon ricotta pie. Because if there’s anything you don’t want going to straight to your thighs, it’s ricotta.

Scarlett Johansson hearts Reebok [Egotastic]

Reebok gets ‘Scoop’ [The Boston Herald]

Wall-eyed Bass comes out of the water

Published by Rob on July 26, 2006 in Celebs and Famous PEN15s. 5 Comments

lance_bass2.jpg I know, I know, America’s gays wanted Timberlake. And we got Lance Bass.

We knew the jig was up when Lance got spotted in P-town on the arm of (keep it down, boys) Reichen. You know, the all-purpose celebri-gay who’s kind of like Rip Taylor for the Washboard Ab Generation.

But now Lance’s big news is all over the cover of People in the biggest “celebrity coming out of the closet on the cover of a national weekly” event since Ellen “Yep, I’m Gay” DeGeneres. Who, come to think of it, kinda looks like Lance.

The real bombshell here is that poor Lance claims he’s in a “‘very stable’ relationship” with Reichen. Lance, sweetie, you’re new and all, but…no. We saw what Reichen did to Chip. It wasn’t pretty. (We’ve also seen Reichen’s beefcake calendar, so we know he can fit his entire package into one handful.) Don’t make the newbie mistake of entering a committed relationship with someone who’s obviously wrong for you.

Still, the question remains - has he ever touched Joey’s Fatone?

Lance Bass: I’m Gay [People]
Page Six outs Lance Bass (sorta) [Perez Hilton]

What’s wrong with the Wilson brothers’ asses?

Published by Rob on July 25, 2006 in Celebs and Films. 0 Comments

200607252242 While perusing this article on movie star butt doubles in the usually much more thought-provoking Slate (God, am I single), I noticed an odd coincidence. Not only did Luke and Owen “You loved us in Bottle Rocket but we’ve long since sold out” Wilson have big summer comedies open one week apart (Luke’s My Super Ex-Girlfriend, Owen’s You, Me and Dupree), but both brothers used butt doubles for their big comic embarrassment nude scenes.

We could probably chalk this up to typical “I’m too good for this” male movie star vanity - as opposed to female movie star vanity, which dictates that success cannot be achieved until every sighted man, woman and child has seen one’s tits on the cover of Vanity Fair - but what if it’s more? What if the Wilsons are cursed with some hereditary deformity on their backsides, like a Hitler-shaped birthmark, or a vestigial tail?

What if, while growing up in Texas, they were subject to regular beatings by gun-toting rednecks, and suffered unsightly scarring? What if they’re victims of the devastating Flat-Ass Syndrome? Are they eligible for assistance from the Michael Douglas Memorial Flat-Ass Foundation?

Are any female PEN15 readers willing to get to the, um, bottom of this? Even we think both boys seem genuinely straight, and if Owen’s reputation is at all accurate, it shouldn’t be that hard. In fact, if any of you can comment on this post with a firsthand description of one or both Wilson asses, we promise we won’t make fun of straight women things - weddings, Ty Pennington, Grey’s Anatomy - for three whole days.

I want a butt double [Slate]

Period lesbian rumor: Was Jodie a Basinger fingerer?

Published by Rob on July 25, 2006 in Celebs. 1 Comment

200607250731

Ah, the joys of eBay. Some queen is selling this possibly apocryphal 1989-dated fax (apparently from David Hockney’s studio) that outs not only Jodie Foster (duh), but Kim Basinger as well! (Note that Hockney’s employee cannot spell for shit.)

Dirt alert: John Waters told me last night he went out last Sunday with Jodie Foster & her ‘date’ Kim Bassinger (sic) to Dyke Night a Pallette, and they were/are definatally (sic - wtf?) ‘together.’ Poor Kelly McGillis is heartbroken!

The nice thing about working for a gay-run business is that, in the late 1980s, it was perfectly acceptable to discuss celebrity lesbian gossip via fax (email not having been available at the time). It helps if one expresses sympathy for the spurned butch - in this case, McGillis, who was driving herself into obscurity (presumably after stopping at Home Depot) at the time.

I’ve never heard any previous inkling of Basinger’s supposed poon-tendencies. Maybe she was just dabbling. And after years of marriage to alleged psychotic brute Alec Baldwin, she’s probably about ready to dabble again. I wonder if Kelly’s still single.

Did Jodie Foster date Kim Basinger? [CityRag]

Moviegoers to get a glimpse of South Dakota

Published by Rob on July 20, 2006 in Celebs and Films. 10 Comments

200607202019 I was deeply troubled upon learning of Dakota Fanning’s upcoming nude rape scene in the gritty indie Hounddog. I mean…what? Granted, Jodie Foster and Brooke Shields cemented their reps as jail bait stars in fairly explicit roles as underage hookers in Taxi Driver and Pretty Baby.

But Dakota - with her U.N. Secretary General poise, her apple cheeks and her adorable sibilant ‘S’ - cast as an abused child is like golden retriever snuff. The film’s backers were apparently so uncomfortable with the rape and abuse scenes that production briefly shut down while new funding was secured. Not unlike when the Disney Channel balked at the Donkey Show episode of That’s So Raven.

Okay, that never happened. But don’t you find it markedly less disturbing than a Dakota Fanning rape scene? It’s not the nakedness of Dakota that bothers me so much as the nakedness of her Oscar bid. You can just picture La Fanning screaming at her agent on the phone: “How many times did Charlize Theron get raped in Monster?! Like, a hundred! Hilary Swank! Nicole Kidman! Halle Berry! They get raped, they get Oscars! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO!!!!”



All shook up over Dakota’ ‘Hounddog’ [NY Daily News]

Episode 8 - The PEN15 Club Podcast

Published by Jordan on July 19, 2006 in Podcast. 8 Comments

P15Podcast-2 And we’re back with The Ocho. In this episode, Rob and Jordan talk a lot about PUSSY. That’s right, kids, it’s that kind of week. And not just pussy in general, we talk about clams, scrunt, and Tori Spelling. Also, Oprah, in vitro pussy, and Gyllenhaal’s boypussy. Deeeelish!

Enjoy!