Ted Casablanca over at E! Online is trying to out another male star - a married one this time, one whose man-on-man proclivities are obvious to all but his missus. And the readers over at Defamer, using said criteria, are guessing it’s about Star and Big Gay Al.
But why? Ted’s alias for the closet case is “Plumper Dumper,” implying a fatty - which Mr. Reynolds is most certainly not. Our shortlist of chubby, married celebrity closet cases includes John Travolta and Matthew Broderick (did you see him in that Producers remake? Boy howdy, Ferris Bueller has blown up like Beirut).
Ted asserts that the wife is completely unaware of her hubby’s proclivities. This seems to rule out Travolta’s beard, Kelly Preston. Sure, she’s a notorious space case (“Scientology rocks!”), and was dumb enough to take a role in Jack Frost, but that marriage seems like a classic, contractually obligated Sci-Fi-tology bearding setup.
Nope, my money’s on Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker. Ted’s alias for the cuckolded wife is “Bertha Broom-Rider,” implying “witch,” like the one SJP played in Hocus Pocus. Plus, he subsequently refers to her as “BBR” - three initials, like SJP. And if Broderick is gay, it’s hard to imagine the much-more-famous-and-powerful Sarah Jessica seeing much benefit to playing the beard. Somehow it’s easier to believe that she’s just too self-absorbed to notice.
Your thoughts?
One quelle surprise blind vice [E! Online]
The blind item guessing game [Defamer]
Matthew McConaughey, clearly incensed that Lance Armstrong received most of the ink for their last shirtless photo op, has brought out the big guns: his engorged, soaking-wet ass cheeks, covered only by a thin layer of swimsuit. As usual, you gotta admire the man’s dedication to his craft. And I’m not talking about his performance in Failure to Launch.
Meanwhile, in London, Kate Bonesworth was busy playing up assets that don’t exist at the U.K. premiere of Superman Returns. Check out this shot of the skeletal ex-starlet signing autographs. That’s not really the side of a breast, is it? Please tell me she just taped some white balloons in there.
Matthew McConaughey surfing! [Celebrity Mania]
Kate Bosworth Superman London premiere [Popoholic]
You know, it’s hard to forgive straight couples. Especially around summertime. They’re always holding hands and pretending to enjoy each other’s company in public. The men look miserable and the women look really desperate to make sure you realize they’re with the men. It annoys me every summer, but eventually I mellow out and get over it. They’re straight couples. They don’t know any better.
But now they’ve gone too far. Shelton and Brandi Koskie are a Wichita, Kansas couple in their mid-’20s. They’ve been married for a few years, and now they feel that the Lord owes them a baby. But dog garnit, copious amounts of routine missionary-position sex just haven’t done the trick.
Thanks to Shelton’s lazy swimmers, the Koskies are forced to resort to In Vitro (to read about why they think they’re too good to adopt, click here). Having just purchased a second home, however, they’re short the $20k they need to pay medical science to cook up a Baby Koskie.
And that’s where you come in. Yes, dear reader, Shelton and Brandi believe that despite all the pre-existing children dying of malnutrition, AIDS and warfare worldwide, it should be your philanthropic prerogative to make a non-tax-deductible donation to help these smug, cornfed yuppies indulge in the ultimate act of vanity: natural procreation. Of course, they’d rather use your money than make any kind of personal sacrifice (a second home!). They both deserve to be bitch-slapped by Angelina Jolie.
Thank God they’re dumb enough to have started a blog. Come on, PEN15 readers! Let’s remind them of all the baby girls abandoned in China because of their gender, or the millions of babies orphaned by AIDS in Africa! Or just make fun of Brandi’s admitted predilection for the Dave Matthews Band.
Baby or Bust [Babyorbust.metaicon.com]
Baby or Bust Blog [Minti]
So here’s why I think Lance Armstrong has been piggybacking off Matthew McConaughey’s penchant for public, shirtless photo ops.
America used to feel good about its love for Lance. He won all those races, then beat cancer, then popularized the groundbreaking yellow rubber bracelet that allowed all the chubby hausfraus across the land to make the bold political statement that they too are against cancer. Sure, he left his wife for Sheryl Crow, but who wouldn’t? (I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable dating anyone who’d written a song called “Anything but Down,” but then I’m not missing a ball.)
Then the skies darkened for Lance. Sure, he won more races, but was he using performance-enhancing drugs? The cause-related rubber bracelet craze consigned his yellow ones to obscurity. Worst of all, he dumped Sheryl (was he cheating on her, too?). And then she got cancer. (Coincidence?)
Lance’s image is so tarnished that his handlers have apparently decided that there’s nothing left to do except sell him to the gays. Which explains all the scantily clad outdoor sports with McConaughey and, in one case, McConaughey AND Jake.
You gotta hand it to Lance’s people. They sure know their audience. In fact, I’m pretty sure Chapters 12 - 16 in Gay Niche Marketing for Dummies is all about Jake Gyllenhaal in Spandex.
We know when we’re being pandered to. Doesn’t mean we have to stop enjoying it.
Lance and Matt get all sweaty [TMZ]
McConaugh-hate [PEN15 Club]
Studs in Spandex [TMZ]
Adulthood is a curious thing. You find yourself casually shocked and disgusted by the behavior of teenagers, lamenting the percentage of your paycheck that goes to the government, and losing your hair. Most disturbing of all: The movies you cherished as a young’un, and even remember seeing when they first opened, start getting remade.
This morning, I was confronted with my own mortality upon reading that Raven-Symone will star in a remake of my beloved Adventures in Babysitting, the seminal story of a white-bread teenage girl who, while taking care of a station wagon full of kids, confronts hookers, drug dealers and chuds on the dirty streets of 1987 Chicago as she tries to rescue her best friend from the bus station. The radiant Elisabeth Shue’s opening-titles lip-synching of “And Then He Kissed Me” cemented her place in the ’80s-movie pantheon, and she seemed virginal and strait-laced enough to be genuinely terrified by a night in the big bad inner city. That’s why the movie was funny and charming.
As for Raven-Symone - let’s be honest. She already looks like she’s been spit out the bottom of the porn industry. Look at her in the jersey dress above. Or this one. Or this Du-rag. Plus, she’s the size of a linebacker. Frankly, her ability to take down a band of knife-wielding car thieves or a 6′4“ white guy named Thor (Vincent D’Onofrio in the original!) isn’t in question.
It’s cool that Disney wants to re-create this franchise with an African-American star. Jurnee Smollett or, in a few years, Keke Palmer would be excellent choices. But unless this version ends with Raven turning ten-dollar tricks after selling the children for crack, I’m going to be less than compelled.
Dis calls on Raven to babysit [The Hollywood Reporter]
Oh man. This “Where’s Suri?” thing is getting out of control. Juicy, even. With fraudulent birth certificates, missing persons, and even mainstream media suggesting that Suri may not even exist. Agatha Fuckin’ Christie couldn’t have written it better herself if she were channeling Dan Fuckin’ Brown.
My honest-to-goodness guess is that the fifteen-year-old crack addicted baby donor Cruise had lined up pulled out at the last minute, deciding that she didn’t want to subject her unwanted child to the cruel and unusual punishment of someday having to setup a LiveJournal account as Suri Holmes Cruise.
Of course, I have a plethora of not-so-honest-to-goodness guesses to go along with that:
- Someone didn’t tell Kirstie Alley that she’d have to eat lunch before visiting the new baby in its Scientology quarantine. And when that woman’s tummy starts to grumble, anything shaped roughly like a pot roast within eyeshot should make itself scarce.
- In a moment of weakness, Tom traded young Suri to a young street hustler named Jace in exchange for a reach-around handy and a sincere compliment. Jace, in turn, sold Suri to Kirstie Alley, who learned that babies were only 4 points on her diet because they have a lot of protein.
- Brook Shields actually managed to steal Suri from the maternity ward the day she took her own child home. She’s holding Suri hostage until Cruise pays ransom by going on the “Today” show, and convincing Matt Lauer to suckle his nipple while muttering, “It rubs the lotion on its skin…” in the name of ‘real psychology.’ If the ransom isn’t pain in the next two weeks, the baby will be garnished with lemon slices and (you guessed it!) slowly fed to Kirstie Alley.
- The baby is actually being trained to sit in for Star Jones Reynolds on ‘The View.’ Because, as we all know, watching a baby say nothing for an hour is still better than listening to Elizabeth Hasselbeck say pretty much anything. And you thought I was going to make another comment about Alley eating the thing, didn’t you?
Okay. That’s all I got at the moment. Very, very tired.
The Flurry over Suri [TMZ]
Sally Field was a big star once, but about a decade ago, her career went down like Jessica Alba on the casting couch. In 2002, she attempted a “triumphant” return to television with the blink-and-you-missed-it ABC drama The Court. Since then, she’s been M.I.A. save for a thankless role in (shudder) Legally Blonde 2. We dread to imagine what the two-time Oscar winner was even paid for that debacle, considering the size of Reese Witherspoon’s bounty. Poor Sally - we could just picture the former sweetheart at home in her Soapdish turban, polishing off a quart of Soy Delicious and wondering what went wrong.
Now, Sally’s making a surprise, impromptu return to ABC in the fall pick-up Brothers & Sisters, which will air Sundays after Desperate Housewives. Why is it a surprise? Well, Field wasn’t initially cast as the matriarch of a family that includes Calista Flockhart and Rachel Griffiths. No, in the pilot, that role went to skeletal-enough-to-be-Calista’s-mom Betty Buckley, who’s since apparently been shit-canned.
Take that, Buckley! Hey, I’ve got a “Memory” for you, kitten - it’s the memory of your career in television! Snap!
ABC courting Sally Field! [TV Guide Blogs]
Just when it seemed like Lindsay Lohan couldn’t get any classier, here she is getting all snoggy with a 25-year-old hottie named Harry Morton. Who? You ask. Why, young Harry is none other than the CEO of the controversial, Las Vegas-based Pink Taco restaurant chain.
‘atta girl, Lindsay. Nothing says “bring him home to mama” like a self-made stud who rode a pussy pun all the way to an entrepreneurial fortune. Although, when your mom is Dina Lohan, “not a felon” probably ranks more or less equal to “Rhodes scholar.” Still, is anyone else freaked out by the “That’s right motherfucker, check out the ‘tang in MY lunchbox!” look Morton is giving to the camera in the shot above?
For now, the two are just rolling around on chaise lounges together, but eventually Morton may work his way up to the level of “guy Lindsay’s cheating on with Colin Farrell.” Stay tuned.
Lindsay finds love! [X17Online via Just Jared]
Pink Taco [Wikipedia]
Before we take a nice, lengthy SJR sabbatical - and we will, we promise, just as soon as they make Showgirls 2 - allow us to toss this gristly blast from the past up in your charcoal grill. It’s then-Assistant D.A. “Starlet” Jones, pre-O.J. trial, talkin’ about the law in sleeves that look ready to bludgeon her. Seriously, this suit is what NFL linebackers wear when they do drag.
Again, my sentimental side wants to shed a tear for the portly professional woman who probably dreamed of being rich, skinny and glamorous. But just as Cinderella’s carriage turned into a pumpkin at midnight, sometimes the limo has to circle the block until a sufficient crowd has formed outside the church, sometimes the dream job includes co-workers that will sell you out on national television, sometimes the perfect (well, non-obese) body will turn your intestines into charcuterie, and sometimes Prince Charming is gay.
So to all you single, chubby career girls dreaming of a better life: Think long and hard about Star, and have some more pie.
Before they were unbearable fame whores: Starlet Jones, attorney-at-law [Defamer]
Dear PEN15 Club Subscribers,
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