So there’s a big huballoo about Paris Hilton vowing celibacy until the end of the year, which, let’s face it, just isn’t that long. I can go that long without having sex and not even notice. I get more antsy over Desperate Housewives being on hiatus. In the same interview, Pairlips claims that she’s only slept with two men in her life, but of course most people claim she was riding a unicorn and being interviewed by Jodi Foster’s long-time boyfriend while delivering that statement.
But you know what? I believe her. Okay, maybe not two people, but I’ll bet you money that Paris’s sexual conquests can be numbered on one hand. Okay, a hand with six or seven fingers. Sure. But my point is that I bet most of the world would be surprised that Paris isn’t a complete slut.
Point: Even our grandparents have actually witnessed Paris having sex. What are the chances that most of America has been lucky enough to see her having sex with 50% of her total sexual partners?
Counterpoint: Okay, okay. The odds aren’t great. And she did seem to be well versed in what she was doing. But just because someone’s been caught on camera having sex doesn’t mean he or she does it all the time. Take young Dakota Fanning for instance. Much of the country will watch her simulated sexual encounter on camera. Yet we are still resistant to labeling her a whore. Yet. Just wait until she stars in something with that Jared Leto.
Point: Paris can’t even do jazz hands without showing us her weird ass cheek goiter and other privates. What makes you think a woman that vagflashy doesn’t put out, like, all the time?
Counterpoint: Perhaps I would say that it’s because of the weird ass goiter thing that Paris doesn’t get a lot of attention. But maybe it’s more that she’s perceived to have had a lot of experience (read: rashes), and is therefore not very appealing even to the most desperate of men. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy… and Paris likely knows a thing or two about self-fulfilling.
Point: But she’s just so fucking dumb. And hot. And when you mix the two together, you get a delicious whore cocktail.
Counterpoint: I will say this. There’s a camp out there that believes Paris is so soft spoken because she’s cool and secretly really wise. I don’t believe that for a second. She’s the dumbest person ever allowed to hold a microphone. But she’s smart enough to know that the more she keeps her mouth shut, the less likely we’re all going to catch on she’s just all sorts of retarded. That said, I still don’t believe that makes her a whore. Or maybe it just means she has a much more, uh, Catholic definition of “technically not having sex.”
Maybe I’m just more willing to give people the benefit of the doubt. And I’m really kind of hoping that Guy #2 is actually the Cadillac that costarred with Paris in that Carl’s Jr. ad. That way we can say that both of Paris’s sex videos convinced us to buy more beef.
But remember: this vow of celibacy is only until the end of the year. I hear that Paris already has a ball lined up to slowly lower into her square on New Years Eve.
To my loyal fans. Thank you so much for your kind words in response to my story. It is so nice to know that the gay community supports me and views me so highly. I especially liked the comments about my looks, my lack of friends, and the wonderful idea to use the shower head as a tool for masturbation. I really had never tried it before and it was just fabulous!
In regards to the story, you are right…it is not true. I actually figured that was quite obvious…I mean, who would actually think those studs would ever talk to me let alone take me back for a hot hot threesome?
But, thanks anyway for reading. And, of course, being so kind with your posts. Oh, and just so you know, I really haven’t seen any celebrities in the NY streets. But if I do, I will make sure to document it with pictures to put the gay community at ease.
To my loyal fans. Thank you so much for your kind words in response to my story. It is so nice to know that the gay community supports me and views me so highly. I especially liked the comments about my looks, my lack of friends, and the wonderful idea to use the shower head as a tool for masturbation. I really had never tried it before and it was just fabulous!
In regards to the story, you are right…it is not true. I actually figured that was quite obvious…I mean, who would actually think those studs would ever talk to me let alone take me back for a hot hot threesome?
But, thanks anyway for reading. And, of course, being so kind with your posts. Oh, and just so you know, I really haven’t seen any celebrities in the NY streets. But if I do, I will make sure to document it with pictures to put the gay community at ease.
I’ve got to give you some kudos on this article. I’ve recently started reading your site while on deployment (yes, I’m in the Navy…and am “family”)…and it’s what makes the days go by (that and my Sean Cody DVD). But as someone who strongly dislikes the stupid spoiled whore (see South Park) and bought the House of Wax DVD SPECIFICALLY to see her impaled on something other than someone’s manhood, it makes me feel great to know I’m not the only one. I think I’m the only guy on my ship who doesn’t have a copy of her blowing some guy on CD. And for the record, I don’t think she can make it, but on the bright side, at least she can spell “celibate”.