Science geeks everywhere creamed their jockey shorts this week when newly determined parameters for what constitutes a planet indicated that Planet Xena is a part of our solar system.
Sources reveal that Xena’s orbit often brings it tantalizingly close to its only moon, Gabrielle. And also to Home Depot.
Scientists say that Xena makes a generally peaceful neighbor to planets Pluto and Charon, but has expressed interest in adopting younger planets from far-away galaxies. Life forms visiting from other planets have found Xena inhabitable for only a short while, as its only naturally occurring food source is tofu. Xena considers its status as a legally recognized planet to be a hard-won accomplishment, and believes it is entitled to the same rights and privileges as other planets.
Pluto is safe as astronomers define planet size [Reuters]
“Grieving” mother/camera hog Patsy Ramsey has been denied a choice PR opportunity, now that police have arrested a suspect in the decade-old murder of her meal-ticket daughter, JonBenet. (How will Fox Searchlight leverage this important news item in time for the expansion of Little Miss Sunshine into the nation’s heartland this Friday?)
Unfortunately, death came between Patsy and her long-scheduled tearful appearance on Nancy Grace immediately following the apprehension of her daughter’s alleged killer. The interview may or may not have included the sentence, “Bitch, I told you I didn’t do it!”
Somehow, knowing that Patsy didn’t kill JonBenet makes her all-too-smooth on-camera mien even more disturbing.
Suspect arrested in JonBenet Ramsey case [CNN]
Remember Hilary Duff? You know, the tweener princess with tombstone caps and Barbara Mandrell hair? The one who’s looked divorced since she was 15? Well, we kind of knew she was over, but this Friday’s release of her latest and likely last star vehicle, Material Girls, officially sounds the death knell.
It’s a canned riches-to-rags comedy in which Hilary and her middle-aged, horse-faced sister Haylie play rich girls who become poor and learn life lessons or something. It’s being released in the dog days of August by defunct non-studio MGM at about 1,500 unlucky, contractually obligated theaters. Sadly, the great Anjelica Huston is forced to co-star, presumably as some sort of foreign-accented villainess. Did she owe back taxes or something?
Anyway…’twas nice knowing you, Hilary. Or not. I never actually saw anything you were in. Try to handle the career implosion gracefully. Find a rich husband, squeeze out a couple of kids, and tell the Lifetime “Where are they now?” specials that you just wanted to focus on family.
Material Girls [IMDb]
Usually when we talk about a British pop singer with “George” in his name picking up garbage in public, we’re talking about George Michael having anonymous sex in Hampstead Heath. But no, this time it’s Boy George, having it out with the paparazzi as he picks up trash in an orange vest. Poor Boy. When drugs and obscurity have aged you this much, the last thing you want is to be caught wearing orange in public. And those sandals! He’s a muumuu away from being late-era Marlon Brando. [Ottawa Citizen]
We were beginning to think Kate Hudson’s taste in men was as bad as her taste in film scripts, but alas…she has come to her senses (at least as far as men are concerned). Unless - do you think? - he dumped her. That would be more ghastly than the entire Luke Wilson oeuvre. [E! Online]
There hasn’t been a new episode of The Office in nearly three months, but this PEN15-er is still weak-kneed over carbfaced cutie John Krasinski. [Just Jared]
Where do you think Pete Doherty and Kate Moss are registered? We’re guessing Kappy’s Liquors and the methadone clinic. Because nothing screams “class” like getting married in Ibiza. [The Daily Telegraph]
Mrs. Reichen continues to disappoint as our Great Gay Hope (as if). Does anyone else think he looks like Emilio Estevez swallowed Jake Gyllenhaal? [Livejournal]
Marcia Cross is still licking her wounds - and absolutely NO PUSSY - over when Barbara Walters asked her on The View about her rumored lesbianic tendencies. You know, during the Datalounge-fueled “Is Marcia Cross a lesbian?” hysteria of 2005-06. This anti-Barbara tirade makes Marcia sound homophobic and petty - positively Bree Van de Kampian, in fact:
But I have to tell you that I am not a huge Barbara Walters fan. That ended that for me. My dad was in the front row going like this (gestures), “What did they say? Are you a what?” I just thought about Barbara, “You didn’t have to ask me that question. That was ‘tabloid-y’ of you.” I felt like really used. So now I don’t really like looking at Barbara Walters.
Hmm, if Marcia Cross were a real lesbian, she would definitely like looking at Barbara Walters. And then pleasuring herself repeatedly.
My favorite part of this story is imagining Marcia having to explain to her octogenarian father what a lesbian is, and why those bitchy internet queens have convinced Barbara Walters that his daughter might be one. When Barbara is inevitably found murdered in her dressing room, Marcia can be considered yet another in a long, Murder, She Wrote-esque line of celebrity suspects.
Ooh, maybe they’ll get Angela Lansbury to guest host.
Quote of the day [Perez Hilton]
This horrifying beach shot of longtime box office poison Val Kilmer made us long for the days of Top Gun, Real Genius and Kill Me Again - you know, back when Val Kilmer was so fucking fine. Come to think of it, he held things together pretty well even through Batman Forever and that soul-deadening remake of The Island of Dr. Moreau - if you could even handle sitting through those movies long enough to get to the eye candy.
These days, on the other hand… Oh, Val. Can you at least try sucking it in a little? Or are we just past that altogether? And what’s with the hat? Are you trying to make sure you stay as pasty as you are right now?
Meanwhile, Matthew McConaughey made his semi-weekly shirtless public appearance, this time frolicking in South Beach. Perhaps he’s celebrating his forthcoming onscreen reunion with Kate Hudson in a romantic comedy that will most likely make me vomit blood after 40 minutes.
Old dude day! [Perez Hilton]
Matthew McConaughey on South Beach [Getty Images]
McConaughey, Hudson dig up ‘Fool’s Gold’ [Hollywood Reporter]
What’s funny about the outrage over Ellen Burstyn’s Emmy nomination for her portrayal of “Ex-Lover #3” in the HBO movie Mrs. Harris? Not the outrage itself - it is indeed abominable that Burstyn was nominated for 14 seconds of screen time in a role that had obviously been (mostly) consigned to the cutting room floor.
The funny part is that it took the press a few weeks after the Emmy nominations came out to even figure this out. Seems that no one really bothered to look at Mrs. Harris in the first place - not the pundits and certainly not the Emmy voters. The film, a black comic account of the “Scarsdale Diet Doctor” murder starring Annette Bening and Ben Kingsley, had been produced by HBO as a possible theatrical release through its Picturehouse distribution arm. But after a disastrous premiere at the 2005 Toronto Film Festival, the movie premiered on HBO will little fanfare and was quickly forgotten.
Until, of course, the predictable, pedestrian Emmy voters saw that Burstyn and Bening were eligible for an HBO movie, at which point they voted the esteemed actresses in, sight (presumably) unseen. I agree with the Hollywood Reporter columnist - if Burstyn had any class, she’d renounce the nomination and expose the Emmys for the sham they consistently prove to be.
Burstyn’s Emmy nom no vote of confidence [Hollywood Reporter]
We’ve never heard of Lauren Herskovic (or Co-Ed Magazine) before, but we love her bosom-heaving account of running into a sweaty, shirtless, post-jog Matthew McConaughey and Jake Gyllenhaal at a Starbucks, then proceeding to have a three-way with them after hours of frolicking in Matthew’s pool.
My favorite part is when Matt and Jake strip off their swim trunks and start “swinging them wildly over their heads.”
Herskovic, bless ‘er, swears this is all true, but there are a number of holes in this story. First of all, it’s Starbucks. No shoes, no shirt, no service, even if you’re McGyllenghey. Second, does Matt even have a house in L.A.? I thought he lived in Austin full-time when not working. And third, Herskovic goes out of her way to explain that, while Matt and Jake were taking turns ravaging her in Matt’s bed, it was “totally not a Brokeback situation.”
Um, right sweetie. Now polish off that pint of Ben & Jerry’s, and pass out until it’s time for your morning shower nozzle masturbation fantasy. Thank you for proving that gays haven’t cornered the market on pathetic fanfic.
I had a threesome [Co-Ed Magazine via Datalounge]
So there’s a big huballoo about Paris Hilton vowing celibacy until the end of the year, which, let’s face it, just isn’t that long. I can go that long without having sex and not even notice. I get more antsy over Desperate Housewives being on hiatus. In the same interview, Pairlips claims that she’s only slept with two men in her life, but of course most people claim she was riding a unicorn and being interviewed by Jodi Foster’s long-time boyfriend while delivering that statement.
But you know what? I believe her. Okay, maybe not two people, but I’ll bet you money that Paris’s sexual conquests can be numbered on one hand. Okay, a hand with six or seven fingers. Sure. But my point is that I bet most of the world would be surprised that Paris isn’t a complete slut.
Point: Even our grandparents have actually witnessed Paris having sex. What are the chances that most of America has been lucky enough to see her having sex with 50% of her total sexual partners?
Counterpoint: Okay, okay. The odds aren’t great. And she did seem to be well versed in what she was doing. But just because someone’s been caught on camera having sex doesn’t mean he or she does it all the time. Take young Dakota Fanning for instance. Much of the country will watch her simulated sexual encounter on camera. Yet we are still resistant to labeling her a whore. Yet. Just wait until she stars in something with that Jared Leto.
Point: Paris can’t even do jazz hands without showing us her weird ass cheek goiter and other privates. What makes you think a woman that vagflashy doesn’t put out, like, all the time?
Counterpoint: Perhaps I would say that it’s because of the weird ass goiter thing that Paris doesn’t get a lot of attention. But maybe it’s more that she’s perceived to have had a lot of experience (read: rashes), and is therefore not very appealing even to the most desperate of men. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy… and Paris likely knows a thing or two about self-fulfilling.
Continue reading ‘All visitors to Paris will be rerouted to the rear’
Okay, catching up with old news here: I’m not sure if I agree with Gawker’s apparent outrage at Uma Thurman honoring her contractual obligation to star in In Bloom despite director Vadim Perelman’s location scouting-cum-sexual assault escapade. I mean, sure he roughed up some Connecticut trim, but his House of Sand and Fog won Oscar nominations for Ben Kingsley and Shohreh Aghdashloo.
Frankly, Thurman’s last four movies (Be Cool, Prime, The Producers, My Super Ex-Girlfriend) lost more money than Kevin Costner’s paternity suits, and it’s been a dozen long years since her only Oscar nod. If the In Bloom role is half-good, she should put up with whatever abusive, woman-hating, misanthropic fits of artistic “genius” Perelman lobs at her.
As for co-star Evan Rachel Wood? Remember, Vadim, she’s still technically a minor.
Uma Thurman doesn’t care what you do, so long as you pony up [Gawker]
