Archive for September, 2006

Fergie’s London bridge - for getting high under?

Published by Rob on September 11, 2006 in Bitches, Celebs and Gunts. 7 Comments

200609112227 Just when you thought filthy, piss-covered, shameless camera vampire Fergie - aka America’s Worst Celebrity, the woman who never found a product, service or butt plug she didn’t see fit to endorse in gold lame hot pants - couldn’t get any trashier, she’s opening up up to Time Magazine about her meth addiction.

That’s right. The woman who will sing and sing and “sing” about various euphemisms for her pox-riddled vagina, like a drunken sorority slut pinning you up against the wall at a bar and insisting you feel her tits, has decided that disclosing her struggle with the white trash drug of choice is a wise path to public sympathy. The one who raped and maimed and blackmailed and bent over again and again for hard-won sex symbol status, despite the fact that on her best day she looks like Janice from The Muppet Show (if Janice caught crabs from Fozzy Bear), craves humanization.

You’re a whore, darlin’. And that quote about meth being the hardest boyfriend you ever had to break up with makes us laugh, ’cause Josh Duhamel dumped you, slut.

Gossip links - Fergie on her meth addiction [Hollywood Rag]

The gays love fall movies

Published by Rob on September 10, 2006 in Films. 1 Comment

200609101149 The weather’s gotten chillier, so logic dictates that the movies are about to get a lot better. I’ve already gushed over Patrick Wilson in the trailer for Little Children, and on that note, I think it’s high time I discussed the Oscar bait and other fall adult serious drama-type movies we’re anticipating - with links to trailers and everything!

I’m counting the minutes till Friday’s debut of The Black Dahlia, directed by the utterly deranged Brian De Palma. We hear there’s a scene where Josh Hartnett and Aaron Eckhart box each other (hot), and we can’t wait to see a glammed-up Hilary Swank get it on with The L Word’s Mia Kirshner. Plus Scarlett Johansson in ’40s-siren getup, and all the sex and violence you’ve been missing thanks to a diet of PG-13, family friendly summer blockbusters. Dig the part in the trailer when Swank says, “Elizabeth and I made love once. I just wanted to see what it would be like with someone who looked like me.” Kinky!

We’ve never thought of Clint Eastwood as being particularly gay-friendly, but the cast of Flags of Our Fathers, the first of two movies he’s filmed about the Battle of Iwo Jima (one from the American perspective, the other from the Japanese), reads like the Bruce Weber photo shoot of your dreams: Paul Walker, Barry Pepper, Adam Beach, Jesse Bradford, Ryan Phillippe (!), Jamie “BIlly Elliot” Bell (!!), even that twinkalicious Stark Sands from Die Mommie Die.

Now on to actual queens: Helen Mirren just picked up an Emmy for her HBO role as Elizabeth I, and we’re dying to see her take on Liz II - in the aftermath of Princess Diana’s death, no less - in Stephen Frears’ The Queen. Same goes for Dr. Sunken Tits in Sofia Coppola’s fantasia of pre-Revolution France, the “It’s not supposed to be historically accurate, so just sit back and have fun!” non-biopic Marie Antoinette.

We’re hoping Hugh Jackman and Rachel Weisz are hot together in Darren Aronofsky’s follow-up to Requiem for a Dream, The Fountain, even without talking refrigerators and “ass to ass!” scenes. We’re already into Clive Owen, fighting to save the human race from extinction opposite Julianne Moore in Mexican genius Alfonso Cuaron’s Children of Men.

Another great Mexican director, Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, has been kind enough to fashion an ensemble that includes both Brad Pitt (yum) and Gael Garcia Bernal (yummer) in Babel. For more of the bombshell Bernal, there’s Michel (Eternal Sunshine) Gondry’s trippy-looking The Science of Sleep.

Continue reading ‘The gays love fall movies’

Baby Van de Kamp decamps to Marcia’s uterus

Published by Rob on September 7, 2006 in Bitches, Celebs and TV. 2 Comments

200609072016 Angry heterosexual Marcia Cross has decided to crush all naysayers (take that, Barbara Walters) by conceiving a child with her (cough) husband.

And no sooner does this bombshell drop than blabbermouth camera hog Eva Longoria tells Billy Bush that 1) Marcia broke the news at a dinner party thrown by Eva and attended by all of her co-stars except for Teri Hatcher and 2) SPOILER ALERT! the pregnancy will be written into the show.

Which means Bree’s dusty old type-A ovaries are due for some man-fertilization. Possibly by Kyle MacLachlan’s character, with his awful Llanview-circa-1988 (Cord Roberts-in-Eterna, perhaps?) haircut.

This scheme will only work if Bree has the baby at the same time as Gabrielle’s Chinese slave/surrogate, and at the end of the season, the two young’uns are sent off to Swiss boarding school, only to return the following year as luscious 16-year-olds ready to get it on.

Either that, or Bree lets Danielle and Andrew babysit, and they sell the baby for cocaine and lube.

Cross’ baby to be written into ‘Housewives’ [MSNBC]

Rosie dykes up daytime

Published by Rob on September 5, 2006 in Bitches, Celebs, Gunts, TV and Waxing Techniques. 1 Comment

200609052230 We had a feeling Rosie O’Donnell wouldn’t be able to get through even one day of co-hosting The View without talking about pussy. Unfortunately, the pussy in question turned out to be her own.

Being gainfully employed and TiVo-deficient, we have to rely on online recaps to get our View fix (sadly, YouTube didn’t come through this time). The moment from Rosie’s debut today that peaked our interest was an anecdote she apparently told about bathing her daughter, who asked her, “Mommy, when will I get fur?”

Leaving aside one’s own personal issues about parent-child nudity, the fact that Rosie referred to her own vagina (even obliquely) on her first day makes us quake with anticipation of the horrors to come. Perhaps by week three, she’ll have made Elisabeth vomit all over the set by describing the varying heaviness of her own menstrual flow.

Needless to say, there’s a bizarre and disturbing Datalounge thread debating this very incident, as well as Rosie’s tendency to post naked pictures of her daughter on her blog.

Rosie straps herself onto ‘The View’ [Gawker]

Regarding Rosie ODonnel [sic] and her comment about bathing with her daughter who askes [sic] about her fur… [Datalounge]

Rupert gets catty

Published by Rob on September 4, 2006 in Bitches and Celebs. 0 Comments

200609042232 After stealing scenes from Julia Roberts in My Best Friend’s Wedding in 1997, Rupert Everett briefly looked like our best hope for an openly gay leading man. Unfortunately, a terrible run of follow-up films (Inspector Gadget, the sinus-clearing Madonna vehicle The Next Best Thing, a misbegotten Importance of Being Earnest) kiboshed that idea right quick.

In his past few films, the formerly Adonis-like Everett has looked both gaunt and nipped-and-tucked, and he keeps threatening to quit acting, as though the hoards would care at this point. His latest move is a tell-all autobio in which he dismisses some of his former co-stars like a spurned queen whose hag has ditched him for a husband.

He describes Sharon Stone’s batshittery on the set of their unreleased (in theaters, anyway) spy thriller A Different Loyalty. She rambles on about how she believes her character is living inside her, and how a similar possession also occurred on the set of Scorsese’s Casino, an evermore-distant career peak. The payoff to the story is the sad spectacle of a makeup artist icing up Sharon’s nipples for yet another contractually obligated sex scene in a movie that will ultimately go straight to video.

Even more fascinating is Rupert’s assessment of Roberts on the set of MBFW, and the clear terror with which she regarded the then up-and-coming Cameron Diaz. He writes:

As we made that film, Cameron came of age before our very eyes. She staked a claim for Julia’s crown. She might not have known she was doing it, but Julia did.

Still, nothing matters when the job is well done. If the girls didn’t hit it off, so what? The scenes between them were charged with the dangerous energy that money can’t buy, when art flirts with life.

Julia was never better. She couldn’t afford to be anything else.

I, for one, can’t wait to read the rest of Everett’s book. He has the bitter perspective of an outsider who was briefly allowed a peek inside the palace walls. In the Stone excerpt, he tosses off a casual anecdote about how Sharon was denied in her bid to cast him in an earlier incarnation of Basic Instinct 2: “My agent was told that, to all intents and purposes, a homosexual was a pervert in the eyes of America and the world would never accept me in the role.”

There you go, Rupert. If you can’t join ‘em, wait a few years, and beat the ones who could.

Sex, fame, Madonna and me [Daily Mail]

Rupert Everett: My life with divas [This is London]

Rupert Everett: My life with divas, Part I [This is London]

NON-BREAKING NEWS: World’s greatest non-living actor occasionally all about the cock

Published by Rob on September 2, 2006 in Celebs and Famous PEN15s. 0 Comments

200609021328 Note to current closeted movie stars: Be careful when cruising those cute 23-year-olds, because they might grow up to become Daily Mail journalists who use the experience as a point of reference for a posthumous chronicle of your man-on-man exploits. As has happened - inevitably - with Sir Laurence Olivier.

Dame Joan Plowright, Olivier’s beard of 28 years, has been forthright about Sir Larry’s Olivi-gayness, and so have other friends and confidantes, and the article lists among Olivier’s dalliances: Marlon Brando, Danny Kaye, Noel Coward and critic Kenneth Tynan. None of this exactly qualifies as news, but it’s fun to imagine what today’s equivalent would-be (admittedly pro-rated due to the comparative suckitude of modern stars) - a circle jerk on the set of Ocean’s Twelve, with Billy Bush joining in while shooting a remote for Access Hollywood?

Here’s my favorite passage from the story (keep in mind that Brando in the ’50s was really really hot).

In 1950, when the Oliviers returned to Hollywood for Vivien to film her Oscar-winning role as Blanche du Bois in A Streetcar Named Desire, opposite Marlon Brando, David Niven walked into the garden of their Hollywood mansion and discovered: ‘Brando and Larry swimming naked in the pool. Larry was kissing Brando. Or maybe it was the other way around.’

Picture Hugh Grant walking in on an aquatic frolic between Jude Law and Jake Gyllenhaal and you’re almost there. No wonder Vivien Leigh was crazy.

I hope I live long enough to experience the fait accompli outings of today’s hottest closet cases. And I think I hope that I still care.

Larry gay? Of course he was [Daily Mail]