Archive for October, 2006

An open letter to Ryan Phillippe

Published by Rob on October 30, 2006 in Career Suicide, Celebs and Famous PEN15s. 2 Comments

ryan.jpgDear Ryan,

We regret to share in the sad news of your separation from America’s sweetheart, Reese Witherspoon. Our hearts go out to your celebrity wombfruit, the trendily-but-not-too-trendily named Ava and Deacon, and we look forward to the onslaught of laughing-through-tears cover profiles of Reese the Single Mom in People Magazine.

Also, we should tell you that we never believed your marriage was failing because Reese is an Oscar-winning, $20 million-per-picture star, and you’re just the pouty guy who shows his ass in every movie. We’ve always insisted that your marriage was doomed because anybody with CSL (cock-sucking lips) like yours should not be stuck with a woman. Even if that woman’s stranglehold over Hollywood’s A list has Julia Roberts crying into her salt lick.

Ryan, you almost always star in terrible movies. Even when you appeared in a Best Picture winner, it was the lousiest Best Picture winner since Tom Hanks drooled all over his box of chocolates. In fact, we haven’t gotten around to seeing you in Flags of Our Fathers yet, because A) it looks kind of boring, B) we hear there’s no nudity and C) we’re sure to be disappointed when we realize you’re not going to have a makeout scene with Jesse Bradford. But that doesn’t mean you can’t put asses in the seats. You just have to show yours.

So cheer up, Ryan. Sure, you’ve lost your meal ticket. But you also have the opportunity to step out of the Missus’ long, pointy-chinned shadow. I suggest you get back to your roots, drop your pants, and play a coke-addicted porn star/hustler in an indie drama by an ambitious young director. And if that project does give you the chance to swap spit with Jesse, then so much the better.

Wettest and warmest kisses,

The PEN15 Club

Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe split [TMZ]

Hilary Duff sucks

Published by Rob on October 30, 2006 in Celebs and Features. 3 Comments

vbat_bram.jpg
Special thanks to Nathaniel R of Film Experience Blog for inviting us to participate in the Vampire Blog-a-Thon.

I’m gonna let you in on a little secret: My obsession with movie stars doesn’t always stay within the realm of daylight. I have dreams about them, too. Nightmares in fact.

I once had one about Hilary Duff. It was right after she had those tombstone caps put in, and her aging, equine sister started popping up on her arm wherever she went. They reminded me of the vampire brides in the old Bela Lugosi Dracula, especially here.

hilaryteethIn the dream, I woke up in the middle of the night to the sounds of Duff’s former chart-topper “Come Clean,” only to see a bat perched atop my bedframe. Immediately, it metamorphosed into a full-size, white-sheathed Hilary, her veneers dripping with fresh blood (possibly that of Joel Madden, I can’t be sure).

Terrified and confused, I asked: “Is this because Raise Your Voice did so badly? Did you have to resort to drinking human blood to avoid starvation?”

At which point she vomited a projectile stream of organs and other human tissue, and what I can only assume were tufts of Amanda Bynes’ hair.

Now dripping with goo, I resorted to flattery: “Wow, those caps must be really easy to clean if they can stay so shiny after that. And how do you keep your hair so feathered after you’ve transformed into a bat?”

Without a word, she lunged for my neck, and the caps dug into my throat. I don’t quite remember what happened after that, but every time I saw the trailer for Material Girls this summer, I felt an uncontrollable urge for blood.

This Halloween, if you’re frightened by nothing else, just beware of how much Hilary Duff truly sucks. Nonetheless, I know I’m going to sleep clutching DVDs of The Lizzie McGuire Movie and both Cheaper by the Dozens, just in case.

Vampire Blog-a-Thon [Film Experience Blog]
Two Duffs are fuglier than one [Go Fug Yourself]

Jesus and Patty Heaton kick Michael J. Fox while he’s down

Published by Rob on October 26, 2006 in Bitches, Celebs and Rants. 2 Comments

Hollywood luminaries Jim “Jesus” Caviezel and Patricia “Shrill, Concerned Mother” Heaton have spoken out against stem cell research and the evils of Michael J. Fox. Fox has thrown his weight behind a proposed Constitutional amendment in Missouri that would support stem cell research.

Backed by the all-knowing wisdom of a couple of professional athletes, Caviezel and Heaton imply that this amendment will give the state the Constitutional right to clone you and the ones you love. They argue that it will take years for medical science to develop actual cures - 15, even! Imagine - those huckster scientists, selling their snake oil! Don’t they know the Lord will provide? Just like when Heaton developed stretch marks after her 11th child, and the Lord provided her a Raymond raise to pay for lipo?

My favorite Heaton quote: That “low-income women will be seduced by fat checks” from fertility clinics looking to extract their eggs. Subtext: Not only will the state do the Lord’s work of cloning, but it’ll clone black people.

Response ad to Michael J. Fox [YouTube]

PEN15 Drippings: Fall TV Edition

Published by Rob on October 25, 2006 in Celebs, Drippings and TV. 0 Comments

Washington Isaiah culpa: Washington apologizes for fag-bashing T.R. Knight out of the closet. But is it too late to save his job? And why do we keep hearing about ABC meeting with other black actors, as though America wouldn’t notice if he were suddenly replaced by Eriq LaSalle? [People]

Megan Mullally apparently isn’t lesbian enough to hack it in the daytime talk/variety show market. And yet America is lapping up that EVOO-swilling cunt Rachael Ray. [Jossip]

NBC gets its balls out of its purse and moves Tina Fey’s surprisingly terrific 30 Rock to Thursday nights. Audiences prepare to start confusing John Krasinski and Jane Krakowski. Hint: Members of the PEN15 Club are unlikely to express a desire to drink Jane Krakowski’s piss. [Hollywood Reporter]

BREAKING: NJ SJC votes in favor of gay marriage

Published by Jordan on October 25, 2006 in News. 1 Comment

Link to PDF of opinion.

“On this day, the majority parses plaintiffs’ rights to hold that plaintiffs must have access to the tangible benefits of state-sanctioned heterosexual marriage. I would extend the Court’s mandate to require that same-sex couples have access to the “status” of marriage and all that the status of marriage entails.”

The Real Prestige: Hugh are you trying to fool?

Published by Jordan on October 24, 2006 in Celebs and Films. 5 Comments

Hugh-Jackman-WifeOur buddy over at JustJared has posted a photo of Hugh Jackman, his wife, and the woman he tells people is his wife at an AIDS benefit dinner last night. The other man is identified as a photographer named James Houston, who apparently has a bad habit of jumping in on the photographs of happily married couples. Bad form from someone in the profession.

After seeing The Prestige last night with Rob, it actually took me until about 10 minutes ago to lose the erection I’ve suffered at the thought of Jackman and Christian Bale role playing a Siegfried and Roy vacation scene while the cameras weren’t rolling… as Lance Burton performed a little prestidigitation of his own on the corner of the bed. Sexual fantasies involving magicians (or those who play them on screen and stage) can never get too crazy. But now this! If Jackman gets the photographer, that means Bale (and his instaorgasm-worthy speech impediment) is still free as a bird.

I’d heard the rumors that the married Jackman was a four-twenty-nine and all, but I had no idea his wife was such a giveaway. He might as well have his arm around a basket of kittens. Do closeted gay celebrities even try to produce believable beards these days? Hugh, buddy. Wrapping a trendy extra thick headband around the teased hair of someone’s great aunt does not a wifey make. Even Travolta is laughing into his frappuccino.

Hugh Jackman Milks It [Just Jared]

Conflicted over Reichen rape

Published by Rob on October 23, 2006 in Anal, Celebs and Famous PEN15s. 0 Comments

Reichen-Lehmkuhl-1 Content to be chiefly known as Lance Bass’ arm candy no more, Reichen has opened up (tee hee) about the sexual assault he suffered at the hands of his fellow cadets while in the Air Force Academy.

What’s the occasion for the former Richard’s sudden disclosure? In his unwieldily titled new tome, Here’s What We’ll Say: Growing Up, Coming Out, and the U.S. Air Force Academy, Reichen says that his “shame” has kept him from revealing the secret until now. That, and the fact that he hadn’t had a book to promote. Once you’ve starred in a beefcake calendar in which you’re cupping your entire junk with one driving-glove-covered hand, we’re pretty sure “shame” becomes a non-issue.

Our sympathy goes out to Big R as it would to any other sex abuse survivor, but it’s all over but the cryin’ at Datalounge, where they boys can’t decide whether Herr Lehmkuhl is courageous or an opportunist (it’s possible to be both).

We’re just glad Lance finally has an explanation as to why Reichen recoils when they touch, and wakes up screaming in the night. As to why he can occasionally be heard weeping softly and saying, “Why couldn’t I have Justin instead?”, well, that’s a question for the ages.

Lance’s pal: Assaulted at AF Academy [NY Daily News]

Reichen raped [Datalounge]

Who knew T.R. stood for “Top, reciprocating?”

Published by Rob on October 19, 2006 in Celebs, Famous PEN15s and TV. 5 Comments

Tr Knight2 An honest-to-God “good for you” to T.R. Knight - Grey’s Anatomy’s second least-attractive male cast member - for coming out of the closet today. We feel genuine gratitude to hear it from a marketable young(ish) actor playing a straight character on a TV drama at the height of its popularity. Remember, we live in a culture where it’s only acceptable for female stars of cancelled sitcoms to come out.

This, of course, makes Isaiah Washington look like an asshole. Remember how he allegedly referred to T.R.’s homo-liness during his famous boyfight with Patrick Dempsey?

We wish Knight the best, and we hope his courage inspires others in his situation - *cough* Neil Patrick *cough* Harris - to follow suit.

‘Grey’s Anatomy’ star T.R. Knight confirms he’s gay [People.com]

Patrick Dempsey and Isaiah Washington’s on-set dust-up [People.com]

Tim Burton indulges in shameless nepotism

Published by Rob on October 18, 2006 in Bitches, Career Suicide, Celebs and Films. 1 Comment

helenaEver since Tim Burton and Johnny Depp announced they were collaborating on a film adaptation of Stephen Sondheim’s musical Sweeney Todd, film-savvy internet gossip queens have been salivating over who will play the choice role of Mrs. Lovett, the deranged baker who makes people into pies.

Some gossips insisted an offer had gone out to Meryl Streep, who, the story goes, turned it down. Columnist David Poland strongly hinted that Toni Collette had won the part, which he then redacted.

Today, the decision was announced, and the actress who’s nabbed the coveted role (typically played by a woman in her fifties) is….drumroll please…the mother of Burton’s wombfruit, Helena Bonham Carter.

That’s right, folks. The non-singing former period-piece starlet - whose recent claim to fame has been making cameo appearances in her man’s films - was apparently the best choice for a role that every actress over 30 on both sides of the Atlantic was likely having hot flashes over.

At least Steven Spielberg waited till Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was in production to start shtupping Kate Capshaw.

Carter nabs a killer role. [Variety]

Tonight on ‘Medium’

Published by Rob on October 16, 2006 in Celebs, Gunts and TV. 2 Comments

pat…Medium has a premonition about her superhot husband, Thomas Jane, leaving her for someone with less freakishly huge breasts.

Even Medium’s husband is skeptical, until he finds himself plowing a PA underneath the craft services table on the set of The Punisher 2. Didn’t Patricia learn anything from that bra-flashing scene she had with Mary Tyler Moore in Flirting with Disaster? Is this why there’s only one letter’s difference between “mom” and “moo?”

If she puts on any more mammary weight, they’re going to have to change the name of the show to Large.

Note: We realize that Jane doesn’t exactly look superhot in this picture. In fact, he looks like kind of a douche. But Jesus, rent Deep Blue Sea and tell me I’m wrong.

Wronger than wrong [Perez Hilton]