Dear Ryan,
We regret to share in the sad news of your separation from America’s sweetheart, Reese Witherspoon. Our hearts go out to your celebrity wombfruit, the trendily-but-not-too-trendily named Ava and Deacon, and we look forward to the onslaught of laughing-through-tears cover profiles of Reese the Single Mom in People Magazine.
Also, we should tell you that we never believed your marriage was failing because Reese is an Oscar-winning, $20 million-per-picture star, and you’re just the pouty guy who shows his ass in every movie. We’ve always insisted that your marriage was doomed because anybody with CSL (cock-sucking lips) like yours should not be stuck with a woman. Even if that woman’s stranglehold over Hollywood’s A list has Julia Roberts crying into her salt lick.
Ryan, you almost always star in terrible movies. Even when you appeared in a Best Picture winner, it was the lousiest Best Picture winner since Tom Hanks drooled all over his box of chocolates. In fact, we haven’t gotten around to seeing you in Flags of Our Fathers yet, because A) it looks kind of boring, B) we hear there’s no nudity and C) we’re sure to be disappointed when we realize you’re not going to have a makeout scene with Jesse Bradford. But that doesn’t mean you can’t put asses in the seats. You just have to show yours.
So cheer up, Ryan. Sure, you’ve lost your meal ticket. But you also have the opportunity to step out of the Missus’ long, pointy-chinned shadow. I suggest you get back to your roots, drop your pants, and play a coke-addicted porn star/hustler in an indie drama by an ambitious young director. And if that project does give you the chance to swap spit with Jesse, then so much the better.
Wettest and warmest kisses,
The PEN15 Club
Well said. Can’t you two do some of your special internet magic and locate a bootleg DVD that will contain all of the hastily-deleted scenes of Ryan even more naked and making out with Breckin Meyer in 54? I seem to recall that such scenes were filmed but cut at the last moment….
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
HOWEVER… I will say that the final scene of Flags of Our Fathers does feature a bunch of the military boys stripping down to their white boxers and swimming and horsing around in the ocean. And well, wet white boxers don’t leave a whole lot to the imagination. Granted, you have to sit through the 2 hours of knife-in-the-stomach war drama stuff, I’d almost say it’s worth it…