Archive for October, 2006

Rudd puddle

Published by Rob on October 12, 2006 in Celebs and Famous PEN15s. 1 Comment

paul.jpgWhen we were bitching and moaning about that twat Fergie being on the cover of this month’s Rolling Stone (the “hot” issue), why didn’t somebody tell us that this photo of Paul Rudd was inside? The magazine should come with its own gym sock.

We love the faux-sleazy, “I’m making fun of my own sexiness, but God damn I am sexy” vibe that Paul’s got goin’ on here.

The man has dropped those Friends-era el-bees and is looking hotter than ever. We can’t blame Cher Horowitz for jumping his bones at the end of Clueless. Christ, we’d climb all over Rudd if he was our biological brother.

We were glad that Paul’s funny turns in Anchorman and The 40-Year-Old Virgin gave his career a shot in the arm, but feared that he would settle into pasty/chubby/funny character actor status. Now, thanks to the magic of Photoshop, those fears have been allayed.

To paraphrase your Wet Hot American Summer character, Paul, you could taste like a burger, and we would still like you. A lot. More, come to think of it.

The title of Paul’s next movie, I Could Never Be Your Woman, is sounding all too appropriate. Sigh.

2nd fiddle to Julia Roberts no more [Broadway.com]

Everybody hates Tara’s tits

Published by Rob on October 11, 2006 in Bitches, Career Suicide and Celebs. 0 Comments

Tara So it’s come to this. Tara “Saddlebags” Reid has done the Hail Mary of her career - relating the saga of how her dates hated her fake C-cups in order to score an US Weekly cover. The “actress,” who last appeared onscreen opposite Christian “DUI” Slater in the Uwe Boll opus Alone in the Dark, hopes to resuscitate her career by jerking tears from bubbleheads who sympathize with her body image issues.

Are you moved by the Plight of Tara, who had to endure the pain of having mismatched boobs? Whose pathological desire for a six-pack (women with six packs….ewwww…) led her to liposuction, which made her stomach “the most ripply, bulgy thing?” Whose herculean lack of talent and judgment led her to star in My Boss’ Daughter, Van Wilder, Just Visiting, and countless straight-to-DVD and unreleased “thrillers?”

Tara, congratulations on your magazine cover. And good luck on auditioning for those CW comedy pilots. We’re sure your comeback is just around the corner, especially now that your tits are the same size.

And when we see Sally Struthers in her recurring bit part as the blonde, obese, raspy-voiced, crazy townie on Gilmore Girls, we’ll try not to think of it as the best case scenario for your future.

Tara Reid admits to botched implants, liposuction [US Weekly]

Michael Knight not a DL brutha after all

Published by Rob on October 10, 2006 in Celebs, Music, Style and TV. 1 Comment

Michael Those of you speculating on the sexual preference of Project Runway favorite Michael Knight - a.k.a. the LaCroix of hot pants ‘n ho-wear - can settle your bets. He’s dating pop star-cum-single mom Brandy, according to the ever-reliable Star Magazine.

We’re inclined to believe that this celeb match-up is for real, and not just a Celebrity Bearding Scheme (or CBS, coincidentally the network that airs CSI). After all, what’s the point of a gay fashion designer pretending to be straight? And Brandy isn’t desperate enough to beard for a crypto-homo - she’s not a one-hit wonder like Blu “I’m totally into Kyle KY” Cantrell.

So if Michael isn’t putting the “’mo” in Moesha, we hope he wins Runway, so he can lay claim to the kind of celebrity he needs to maintain a high-profile relationship. Either that, or Laura pulls an Ellen Barkin and becomes the latest 40-something dame to “date” George Clooney.

Brandy in love! [Star Magazine]

Episode 9 - The PEN15 Club Podcast

Published by Jordan on October 8, 2006 in Podcast. 3 Comments

P15Podcast-2We’re back with an all-new season of the PEN15 Club Podcast!

Topics for Episode 9 include:

  • We’re sorry we went away. Let’s talk about SHOES.
  • Cinematics - Rob and Jordan talk about movies. Jesus Camp, The Departed, and Half Nelson.
  • Song: Beautiful Dreamer by Mates of State
  • Troll-y Foley
  • Only Sienna
  • Song: The Jeep Song by The Dresden Dolls

Stay tuned for more!

I guess she rode more than just the whale

Published by Rob on October 6, 2006 in Career Suicide and Celebs. 2 Comments

keisha_castle_hughes_wi_1006.jpgKeisha Castle Hughes, the pint-sized star of Whale Rider - and youngest Best Actress Oscar nominee ever - is pregnant! And she’s only 16!

In fairness, Castle Hughes hails from New Zealand, so I guess we should be happy she’s fucking something other than the sheep. Honestly, I’m suspicious that this is just a publicity ploy for her upcoming film, The Nativity Story, in which she plays - wait for it - The Virgin Mary.

Dakota Fanning, caught stubbing out a cigarette on her tattooed forearm, initially declined to comment. When pressed, she offered, “I told that slut a hundred times, no one wants to hire a teen mom. Dimples and stretchmarks do not make an appealing combination. Fuck around, do what you gotta do, but always keep your morning after pills in your purse. Christ, I know this shit, and I just started menstruating last year.”

“Whale Rider” star, 16, pregnant [TMZ]

Liza with a Z, or Patsy with an S?

Published by Rob on October 5, 2006 in Career Suicide, Celebs and TV. 0 Comments

Lizaminnelli Don’t get me wrong, we loves us some Liza, but this profile of the old girl - who’s plugging (how sad is this?) the long-awaited DVD release of her 34-year-old showcase Liza with a Z - strikes an odd mixture of reverence and derision.

“She looks exactly like herself, and if she hasn’t had any work, she looks great for 60,” writes Gareth McLean. “She also looks not unlike a panda.”

Can’t you just imagine Liza’s reaction to seeing this observation in print? “Gosh! Hahahaha! He shaid I look like a panda! That’sh a type of mammal, right?! Perhapsh I should eat shome bamboo! Hahaha! Where’sh my Vicodin?”

Liza, who keeps insisting she’s not retired, has been doing some funny, self-effacing work lately. We loved her as Lucille 2 on our dear departed Arrested Development, and she did a zesty cameo as Parker Posey’s orgasm teacher (“I want you to dischover your vaginash!”) in the terrific, under-seen sex comedy The OH in Ohio.

Now she’s tackling her greatest role since Arthur 2 - no, scratch that, Six Weeks - on an upcoming episode of Law & Order: Criminal Intent. She’s playing the mother of a slain child-beauty pageant queen. That’s right, Law & Order is taking on the JonBenet case, and they’ve cast Sally Bowles herself (who knows a little something about the exploitation of young talent) as Patsy.

“You guysh! I’m guest shtarring as Patshy Ramshey! Hahaha! Perhapsh I should vishit Ashpen for reshearch! That’sh in Colorado, right?! Haha!”

Wouldn’t it be awesome if they could get Joel Grey to play John Mark Karr? Something tells me he’s available.

Super trouper [Guardian]

Liza Minnelli to guest star on ‘Criminal Intent’ [TV Squad]

SchadenBOYde

Published by Jordan on October 3, 2006 in Famous PEN15s, News and Politics. 5 Comments

FoleyscreenshotI gotta be honest with you. I feel bad for the younguns and all, but whenever an anti-gay Republican politician gets popped for fucking around with underaged dudes, for me it’s like suckling on the swollen teat of Mary Mother of God. Really. Few things give me more satisfaction, except for having awesome cybersex with a 16-year-old student council president. But you know what I mean.

Day by day the Representative Mark Foley scandal gets worse. It’s like watching Michelle Rodriguez perform. At first, it’s pretty bad. Then, it gets worse. And right when you think it can’t possibly get any worse, there’s a crying and/or orgasm scene. Foley’s scandal has unfolded like a copy of the New York Post that someone shat in and folded back up. I already can’t wait what tomorrow brings!

Let’s recap, shall we?

First, the media obtains emails sent by Foley to underage male pages suggesting an overly friendly relationship with the young men. Foley’s people claim that asking the boys for their photos is standard practice, even after they complete the page program.

Then, instant messages between Foley and the boys surface, suggesting that the relationship was more than overly friendly; it was downright dirty. In fact, reading through the transcripts rang reminiscent of many confessional exchanges I had with clergy back in my Catholic days.

Follow that up with the admission of some in the Republican leadership that they knew of the possible threat that Foley posed over a year ago, while Foley checks himself into rehab. Don’t you hate it when you drink too much and turn all pedophile-y?

And finally, today. More instant message transcripts appear in the hands of the media featuring a censored (but undoubtedly steamy) cybersex conversation between Fogey — err, Foley — and a strapping young lad. Later, Foley admits to being gay and also to have been molested by clergy when he himself was a teen, events which apparently always go hand-in-hand.

The only disappointment of the entire scenario is the fact that the media censored the cyersex conversation. But guess what! The PEN15 Club obtained an unmolested copy of the transcript, which we will reprint for your reading enjoyment:

Maf54: I miss you

Teen: ya me too

Maf54: we are still voting

Maf54: you miss me too

Teen: Yeah. Like a 16-year-old misses kissing his grandma.

Maf54: I like it when u talk like that. See? I type ‘u’ instead of ‘you.’ How hip am I?!?!

Teen: LOL. You bring new meaning to ‘hip replacement.’

Maf54: U hard? Measure yourself for me.

Teen: A solid foot-and-a-half of swingin’ death, grandpa. What u gonna do about it?

Maf54: fhjadsklfhjsdkfl;ajdkfal;j!!!!!!!!!

Maf54: Nothing now. That was so much better than doing my wife. U finish?

Teen: Yeah. Whoopdedoo. Yehaw. Whatever you say.

Maf54: Isn’t this internet great?! We can have this relationship secretly with no way for anyone to find out about our love for each other.

Teen: Yeah. It’s Fort Fucking Knox.

Maf54: ok..i better go vote..did you know you would have this effect on me

Teen: lol I guessed

Teen: ya go vote…I don’t want to keep you from doing our job

Maf54: can I have a good kiss goodnight

Teen: :-*

Teen: <kiss>

New Foley Instant Message: Had Internet Sex While Awaiting House Vote [ABC News]

Instant Message Obtained by ABC News Cast Doubt on Claims from Foley’s Lawyer [ABC News]

Andy Towle’s continuing coverage [Towleroad]

Trailer Trash: McConaughey puts shirt on, resumes starring in terrible movies

Published by Rob on October 2, 2006 in Career Suicide, Celebs and Films. 0 Comments

Marshall Just in time for Christmas, America’s cockles will be warmed by an inspiring re-telling of, according to the trailer, “the greatest disaster in college sports history.” (Huh? Like, greater than the marriage of Elisabeth and Tim Hasselbeck?) It’s called We Are Marshall, and it’s the true story of what happened after a plane crash killed an entire West Virginia college football team, and the ragtag band of misfits who carried on in place of all the dead football players, even though some wanted to (gasp!) cancel football. Perhaps, you know, out of respect for the dead.

“You gonna cancel the program?! That ain’t right!” opines a Sensitive Black Supporting Character. Imagine! A West Virginia college without a football team! Who’ll date-rape the female students?!

Luckily, Matthew McConaughey swoops in to coach the replacement team, and manages to keep his shirt on throughout the entire trailer. Ian McShane, David Strathairn and dreamy Matthew Fox take part as well.

It’s the heartwarming hybrid of The Replacements and The Sweet Hereafter you didn’t realize you’d been waiting for. And for guaranteed maximum brain-rot, it’s directed by McG, the ADD-afflcited asshat who committed the Charlie’s Angels movies.

You’ve been warned.

We Are Marshall [Apple Movie Trailers]