Archive for November, 2006

Meg Ryan comes crawling back to television

Published by Rob on November 30, 2006 in Career Suicide, Celebs and TV. 2 Comments

meg3.jpgIf you’ve been wondering what the hell happened to Meg Ryan - besides excessive face work and habitual adoption of foreign babies - she’s using her Hollywood connections to star in an HBO miniseries based on Carrie Fisher’s The Best Awful.

We know that Smegma and Carrie are friends from the When Harry Met Sally days, and we’re partially glad that Old Meg has found another outlet for her particular late-career brand of laughing-through-tears, “I’m rich but I have problems too,” insular chick-flick shtick.

Fisher’s POV suggests this could be a better vehicle than Ryan’s had in years, so it should be seen as a boon to her sagged career. Yet we can’t help but imagine that she’s looking at the just-released list of Hollywood’s 10 highest-paid actresses and weeping a bit. Just five years ago, Meg too was making $15 million a picture.

Jennifer Aniston: This is your future.

Ryan is best for ‘Awful’ [Hollywood Reporter]
Kidman is Hollywood’s highest-paid actress [Sydney Morning Herald]

Shot into the back of my throat and down my esophagus, not stirred.

Published by Jordan on November 29, 2006 in Celebs, Famous PEN15s, Films, News and Rants. 4 Comments

Daniel Craig Nude1-ThumbContact Music, the only news source more reliable than the batshit crazy homeless lesbian outside of the Dunkin’ Donuts at the end of my street, reports that Daniel Craig is interested in filming a gay bond scene, possibly complete with full-frontal nudity.

[Note: While the report does not specify whether it is he that wants to be involved in the gay scene, we’re going to work under that assumption because, well, it lends itself better to this post.]

Said Craig, “Why not? I think in this day and age, fans would have accepted it. I mean, look at (British TV series) Doctor Who - that has had gay scenes in it and no one blinks an eye,” a statement he quickly followed with several eye blinks.

Daniel. Listen. We were really okay with what you gave us: tight blue go-go boy swim trunks, shoulders that should be covered in A1 and devoured, and a nude scene in which you taunt a fey villain into repeatedly whipping you with the world’s largest anal bead. It’s kind of you to offer, but you must understand that your unattainability is what makes us fags love you. Because if you were gay, clearly you would be within the realm of attainability. You would join the ranks of Jack Nasty and Anderson Cooper, and we won’t be allowed to talk about you on DataLounge anymore!

James Bond wouldn’t be James Bond if he weren’t sponged in pussy galore, swimming in Octopussy, and always guzzling ‘tang. If he occasionally passed on the poon to get to know Rimmy l’Anus, he’d just be plain’ ol Daniel Craig.

As for the full frontal, by all means. Don’t let me hold you back on that one.

Craig Wants Gay Bond Scene [Contact Music] via Towleroad

Clay Aiken smears santorum in Kelly Ripa’s mouth, allegedly

Published by Jordan on November 22, 2006 in Bitches, Celebs and TV. 7 Comments

This has to be the most bizarre 3-way daytime television feud since… well, only since Baba Jones’donnell-gate a few months ago. But here’s happened: Clay Aiken was filling in for Regis on “Live” on Friday (Kelly, if you can’t get Mario Lopez, wait!). At one point in the show, Clay got a little squirrelly, pulled his hand out of the ass of the bound leather daddy he takes with him everywhere, and covered Kelly’s cold, thin-lipped mouth. And boy, did Kelly scold him – one of those extremely awkward TV moments when the performers don’t even try to play it off as a joke. But then, she attempted to lighten the moment with the oh-so clever “I don’t know where that hand has been, honey.”

This is where it gets bizarre. On “The View” on Monday, Rosie called Kelly’s comment homophobic, suggesting that Kelly wouldn’t have scolded Clay if he were hetero or (this was funny) “a cute man.” But then Ripa calls in – because apparently the matrons of daytime TV spend all their off-time watching one another’s shows – claiming that she felt violated by Clay’s rude behavior blah blah blah, and that Rosie knows better than to call her homophobic.

How Carol Channing of her.

Here’s my take:

  • You could probably go through the years of footage of Ripa on “Live” and find dozens of clips of her covering someone’s mouth or having her own mouth covered in comedic moments. I don’t think it’s quite the heinous affront she makes it out to be. [Update: In fact, Gawker has already posted a montage of hot Ripa hand-on-mouth money shots.
  • That said, I can definitely imagine Kelly delivering the same “don’t know where that hand has been” line to others, but I don’t think it has to do with sexuality. Imagine it being Andy Roddick or Colin Farrell. The line would have been just as relevant. They’re young, a little rough around the edges, and probably don’t have clean hands. Now, imagine it being Clooney: Ripa would swoon. Okay, maybe Clooney wasn’t a good example. The fact is, I think Kelly doesn’t like Clay, but I don’t think is has to do with his sexuality. I think she took advantage of his youth and inexperience by embarrassing him, which wasn’t the right thing to do.
  • Rosie is making a wide leap by suggesting that Ripa thinks Clay’s hands are dirty because he’s clearly off having gay sex all the time. Because all vaginas (I’ve only seen approximations) are sparkling clean. You could eat off ‘em. No straight woman would mind of the hand of a heterosexual male which, for the sake of argument, may have just been clam digging, covering her mouth. Right?
  • But aren’t we missing the huge, pink elephant in the middle of the room? Isn’t it putting the ass before the carriage to assume that Kelly is being homophobic when, as far as we’re all concerned, Clay’s not even gay?! I mean, unless I missed something big, Clay is still dodging the question, and Rosie will have effectively outed him on national television. And there’s a difference between a comedian joking about Clay’s sexuality, and a daytime TV host using it as a way to make him a martyr.

So Rosie, shut up. Kelly, lighten up. And Clay, wash up. And Kathy Griffin? Where the fuck are you when we need you?

Ripa response after the jump.

All via Towleroad:
The View, Kelly Ripa Responds [YouTube]
Rosie on Ripa/Aiken hand covering [YouTube]
Continue reading ‘Clay Aiken smears santorum in Kelly Ripa’s mouth, allegedly’

What we talk about when we talk about art

Published by Rob on November 21, 2006 in Celebs, Films and News. 0 Comments

Robert%20Altman%20in%20Sarasota.jpgI’m wholly distraught over the death of Robert Altman. If I had to name my top 20 or so films of all time, he’d have directed four of them (McCabe & Mrs. Miller, Short Cuts, Nashville, 3 Women).

How spooky that his final work, this summer’s A Prairie Home Companion, is a joyful film about death (of radio, and of people); and how sad that most of its notoriety, in spite of modest box office success, was due to the participation of Lindsay Lohan.

Altman’s honorary Oscar earlier this year - he’d never won Best Director in five tries, finally losing to (shudder) Ron Howard five years ago - came at just the right time, but no award can capture the thrill of watching him work at his peak. No one has ever been better at finding the nuances of human behavior and making them feel profound. Even his misfires (and there were quite a few) aren’t boring.

He created some of the saddest moments in film and some of the funniest, sometimes even in the same scene, and yet never did his work feel manipulative. He found the brilliance in one unexpected actor after another - we probably wouldn’t know much about Julianne Moore if it weren’t for Altman, let alone Shelley Duvall or Elliott Gould.

Even though he was 81 and had admitted to having heart trouble, I feel shocked that I’ve seen my last new Robert Altman movie (so, I’d guess, are Billy Bob Thornton and Hilary Swank, who were scheduled to work with him on Hands on a Hard Body next year) but I’ll cherish his contributions to cinema, and to my DVD collection.

Director Robert Altman dead at age 81 [Reuters]

PEN15 Drippings: 11/20/06

Published by Rob on November 20, 2006 in Career Suicide, Celebs, Drippings and TV. 1 Comment

040211_michaelRichards_bcol_11a.small.jpgI have literally nothing to add to the Michael Richards racial-rampage-at-The Laugh Factory imbroglio. Except that it kind of reminds me of that Seinfeld episode where everything in Jerry’s life evens out. In this case, Julia Louis-Dreyfus wins an Emmy for a successful new sitcom, and a former co-star becomes immediately blacklisted after a bizarre, racist on-stage tirade. Word is Richards apologizes on tonight’s Letterman, on which Jerry Seinfeld was already scheduled as a guest. [TMZ]

Yay! Veronica Mars will have time to figure out the identity of the douchebag who keeps raping everybody and shaving their heads! Seven more episodes also means seven more opportunities for the adorably troubled Logan (Jason Dohring) to take off his shirt. [Zap2It]

Peter Jackson and Fran Walsh - who haven’t made a movie worth seeing twice since Heavenly Creatures, in my opinion - whine to their fans about their nasty split with semi-studio New Line Cinema. I don’t find this particularly interesting, but some of you geeks out there might. [The One Ring]

You are a horror, darlin’

Published by Rob on November 17, 2006 in Bitches and Celebs. 0 Comments

gershon0022sl.jpg Gina Gershon’s had a lot of careers. Actress. Indie rocker. Lesbian icon. Cristal Connors. But now she’s teamed with her brother to write a scary children’s book, which has already been optioned for the big screen.

We think it’s pretty rad that kids everywhere will be reading the words of Cristal “Goddess” Connors. And even though we know, deep down, that Gina isn’t really Cristal - she’s just an aging character actress in need of alternate revenue streams - we like to think that, somewhere in the book, a character will extol the virtues of Doggie Chow while toasting with her corn chips at Spago.

D’works feel ‘Creepy’ [Variety]

Creamgirls

Published by Rob on November 16, 2006 in Films and Oscar Fever. 5 Comments

Anika_Noni_Rose__Bey_96550o.jpg So, some Oscar pundits saw Dreamgirls last night, and (embargoes be damned) they loved it, so apparently we have our Best Picture winner.

Which means that - one year after the Crash “Let’s loot Barneys in an act of gay rebellion” debacle - the film industry’s highest honor will go to a film starring Beyonce, Eddie “Paycheck” Murphy, and some American Idol finalist. Oh, the humanity.

That finalist, of course, is Jennifer Hudson, long presumed a Supporting Actress frontrunner for the knock-’em-dead role of Effie. She’s apparently so good that there’s talk of bumping her into the Best Actress field, which means that the woman who lost to Fantasia Barrino could win an award for acting over Mirren, Streep and Dench (not to mention Kate Winslet, who re-writes the book on Mommy Malaise in Little Children).

It’ll be a cinderella story for a night, I suppose. And then she’ll struggle to find a worthy follow-up, the knives will be sharpened, and “whatever happened to Jennifer Hudson? Can we revoke her Oscar?” stories will pop up faster than you can say Tatum O’Neal.

It’s about here that most bloggers would complain about the protracted, mechanical inevitability of most Oscar seasons, and bitch that they should just give the movie the award now, and do next year’s while they’re at it. Not me. I’m going to savor every moment between now and the time Hudson waddles down the red carpet in gown that “flatters her curves.”

‘Dreamgirls’ is a dream come true - a perfect film [The Envelope]
20 Weeks to Oscar - 15 Weeks to Go [Movie City News]

Yawn

Published by Rob on November 15, 2006 in Celebs and Famous PEN15s. 4 Comments

george_clooney.jpgHey look, everybody! George Clooney is the latest male celebrity to come out of the closet via a sensitively rendered People Magazine cover story!

Oh wait. They’re just giving him Sexiest Man Alive again.

This will have to hold us until the inevitable Matt Dallas coming out cover.

But as for Clooney - Sexiest Man Alive? Really? He looks every second of his 45 years in that shot. How many times did Jake Gyllenhaal say no?

George Clooney named People’s Sexiest Man Alive [People.com]

Cruise returns from obscurity; drags legends with him

Published by Rob on November 15, 2006 in Celebs and Films. 0 Comments

3710.jpgNow that Tom Cruise has hijacked an entire movie studio - well, the pathetic vestige of what used to be a movie studio - he’s ready to start actually (shudder) starring in films again.

First on his plate will be an important-sounding, sociopolitical drama - you know, the kind with lots of interconnected story threads to let us know that it’s, like, hard to live in a global society. The film, Lions for Lambs, will co-star and be directed by Robert “The Leather Muppet” Redford, so expect a lot of gritty drama seen through a Vaseline-smeared lens. Meryl Streep is part of the ensemble as well, and it’ll be fun to watch her make thespianic mincemeat out of Miss Cruise.

The fact that Cruise is making all these announcements about his professional activities so close to the assumed date of his wedding to Joey Potter strikes us as the most obvious “Our relationship is a PR stunt” tell since Vaughniston split up on the same week The Break-Up’s DVD release.

UA stalks ‘Lions’; Redford, Cruise, Streep topline [Hollywood Reporter]
Tom Cruise, MGM form new United Artists [MSNBC]

Ashley Judd can no longer control her bodily functions

Published by Rob on November 13, 2006 in Bitches and Celebs. 2 Comments

ashley-judd-210-258.jpg Deranged sometime actress Ashley Judd is doing her damnedest to promote her tiny new indie, Come Early Morning. In a Q&A session with New York Magazine that dubs her “Mouth of the South” (a nickname I’ll bet she hasn’t heard since her days as a University of Kentucky coed), Judd manages to equate the film’s theme of a woman finding herself with her own struggles to set “boundaries.”

I’m able to maintain healthy boundaries, to hold space with exploited people with more integrity. I don’t have to try to take it on myself, to make it my suffering as well as theirs. For example, the first time I went to a brothel in southern India, I was puking and shitting for days.

Wow, Ashley. Vivid. And later:

I don’t fucking care what people think. You know, usually when celebrities are asked, “Why do you give back?” their answers are quite general: “We can all do our part, I’ve been given so much.” Well, I do it because I have feelings: I feel pain about poverty. Did you know there are 1.6 million deaths from simple diarrheal disease every year? I’m taking care of my own goddamned feelings. When I go to a brothel, I feel complete and sometimes homicidal rage. And I am frankly going to die if I am not a part of the solution. I will take in all of those feelings, and they will eat me alive.

This statement begs the question: What is Ashley Judd doing spending so much time in third-world brothels? But at least it’s a refreshing approach to celebrity philanthropy. Rather than acting as though helping the poor has made her a more centered person, a la Angelina, Ashley is using third-world suffering to assuage her own maniacal self-loathing.

Not to mention the fact that all of this excessive shitting - her own and the poor people’s - is making her really angry.

Mouth of the south [New York Magazine]