So out of the 12 categories I predicted, I was only right about 8. Meh.
Ellen presided over a bland show that was, as usual, padded with all the filler that everyone has complained about since the infancy of the telecast. Former Paramount head Sherry Lansing’s “humanitarian” acceptance speech showed why she never made it as an actress.
Why bring in Pilobolus if you’re going to use them for a total of 30 seconds? And the mouth-orchestra sound effect people were cool, but come on. I want to see more starlets in terrible dresses mispronouncing people’s names! More shots of a deeply uncomfortable-looking Eddie Murphy! More Mark Wahlberg!
My personal highlights…
Best presenter: Helen Mirren, whose mellifluous reading of selections from the Adapted Screenplay nominees made Kirsten Dunst’s later presentation of the Original Screenplay category seem all the more lacking. Damn those Brits and their diction!
Most unexpectedly hot winner: The guy who directed Live Action Short winner West Bank Story. He can stage a scene on my backlot anytime.
Hottest newly single woman: Reese Witherspoon and her fashion-forward bangs.
Newly single woman who looks like she’s taking it really hard: Cameron Diaz
Hottest tag team: Gael Garcia Bernal and Diego Luna looked like they came as each other’s dates. Don’t tease us, boys!
Best trend: Lesbians. Jodie Foster looked really lonely sitting there on her own, with her “friend” Cydney presumably home watching the kids. Meanwhile, the show kept cutting to Portia de Rossi making goo-goo eyes at Ellen, and Melissa Etheridge smooched Tammy Lynn Michaels on her way to the stage. I also loved that, after Etheridge performed, the director cut to Queen Latifah and Jessica Biel in quick succession.
Second-best trend: By-all-accounts straight men bringing their moms. And speaking of Ryan Gosling - what excellent use of facial hair! But where was Rachel?
Far-and-away worst dressed: Beard extraordinaire Kelly Preston. It must have been the body thetans that caused her to wear leopard print to the Oscars.
Camero Diaz was had a hidieous orange glow. I was hoping for an on-air meltdown when the audience gasped in horror.
Best moment to be a telepathic mind reader: during Jennifer Hudson’s acceptance speech and the camera cuts to Beyonce.
I hated Helen Mirren’s acceptance speech. It sounded like she rehearsed it 100 times before she went on stage (which im sure she did)…and the “I give you the QUEEN” Was’nt feeling it at all!!
Camero Diaz’s dress looked like a torn open envlope. Ironic, but not cute.