Okay, I’m insensitive. To this day, I claim the real tragedy of 9/11 was that I cracked a tooth in half on my tongue ring while eating French fries as our country was attacked (this was before freedom fries, appropriately). I was the one who wanted Howard K. Stern to be Danielynn’s daddy only so I could believe Larry Birkhead was incapable of impregnating a woman on account of homosexuality [Update: I was half right]. And when the boatload of strapping Brits was held in Iran, I may have secretly been hoping that they’d keep the guys long enough for a little bit of televised nudity-related humiliation.
Really, a heart of cold, dead steel sits lifeless inside my chest.
So it should come as no surprise that I spent the day mourning the victims of the VT shootings… and fantasizing about the CNN-proclaimed VT shooting hero (article), Zach Petkewicz (video). He and a fellow classmate – a secret lover, I imagine – barricaded the door to the classroom, keeping the gunman out (hey, did you hear the gunman was a loner?). In his four-minute interview by an inept CNN reporter, our hero managed to 1) be adorable, 2) have adorably incorrect grammar, 3) deflect flattery, 4) speak clearly, 5) and appear to be somewhat shy. Basically the five things that it takes for me to dig my fingernails dangerously far into my inner thighs.
And on top of it all, he cries! I mean, of course, any human being in his position would be crying, but he does it in the most heartbreakingly sincere and touching way that I all but lost it at work. Sexually. I’d slide across sandpaper to drink those tears.
So, Zach Petkewicz, here’s to you. For saving 11 lives and making mine just lust a little bit more fraught with longing. Which is good, I assure you.
I dunno… you kinda picked the best angle for him. I’m not going to say I didn’t get all hot and bothered the whole way through—and let’s face it, when he started sniffling, I had to fetch a change of underpants—but when he’s wasn’t holding his head in exactly that position, I started to lose interest.
Does that make me even more callous than you?
I’m on board. There’s something about a cute, sensitive guy in a hoodie…
He’s definitely got a Gyllenhaal vibe going in the picture.
Incidentally, happy birthday next week, Jordan. Special thanks to your parents for delivering unto us The Sexy. Which I’m sure they had in mind all along.
I totally wanted that British sailor the Iranians made tape an apology, and I don’t mean the chick with the head scarf.
That guy was a HOTTIE! There’s a part in Genet’s “Our Lady of The Flowers” where the narrator talks about getting totally hot and bothered by this baby-faced guy who was in all the newspapers, even though the guy was a serial killer. Well, in this case, it’s the random hottie on the newscast, but yeah, get crushes first and ask questions later…
Man, you are so right! Zach is soo cute. I watched that video over and over again. Tried to watch all his interviews. there were 3. He is really a heartbreaker type- shy, adorable, smart(he is getting a degree in math), sweet, and brave. kept trying to picture him in other ways. Anyone know what he is up to now? Havent found any more info or interviews with him. What a great face, skin, coloring, haircut, etc! Any chance he is gay?