Rosie, dear. For my birthday, I asked for you to make Elizabeth Hasselbeck cry. But now I realize I should have been more specific. Because I didn’t mean tears of joy. And I didn’t mean by leaving the show. Way to ruin the first quarter-century of my LIFE Rosie! Gosh!
In all seriousness, it’s kind of sad to see televisions most fantastically drama-laden show lose the one thing that didn’t suck about it. In her year-long tenure, Rosie was able to drive ratings through the roof and crack walnuts in Hasselbeck’s tightly clenched ass cheeks. She caused Trumpgate, Chingchongate, Murdochgate, and Generalmeanlesbiangate. She gave us something more interesting to search for on YouTube than “teen boy in boxer briefs flexing muscles.” Oh, Rosie!
The only thing happier than Hasselbitch and Rosie’s seat cushion has got to be Babs herself, who will no longer be called out on her WASPy two-facedness on the air. Because everyone the only thing more important than ratings is making sure you can still call in a threesome with Trump and Murdoch.
Au revoir, Rosie. I expect you to spend your newfound free time launching more gay family cruises to countries that, uh, hate gay families. Meanwhile, I’m going to bury my sorrow in… cake.
You forgot Aikengate…