I just discovered that my television had channels other than Bravo the other day. And I didn’t care. Do you remember how shitty Bravo was just five years ago? Using the word “comeback” would only be more appropriate describing a morning-after with Lance Bass.
And now there’s Hey Paula, what will perhaps be the newest hit for the little network that could. My TiVo is more set than Kelly Clarkson’s In-and-Out schedule.
What I think is great about Hey Paula is that you can totally tell from the promos that Ms. Abdul actually believes this show will prove she’s not crazy. They keep dropping in soundbites that are like, “Open your mind and judge for yourself,” as if the entire fucking world is going to call friends over, order pizza and sit around thinking, “Oh! How silly of me to think that she was fucked out of her mind. I didn’t see her take a single Closopine the entire 23 minute episode! She’s actually quite motivated.”
Meanwhile, the producers are making sure they don’t leave out the part where she, say, takes a piss in the salad bar at Whole Foods (because “what’s more organic than that?”) assuring that millions of gays will shake their heads, click their tongues, and think, “girl gonna make Anna Nicole blush. Pour me another sangria.”
Speaking of Anna Nicole, perhaps Bravo is already getting cold feet at the thought of documenting the unraveling of another female celebrity, because the show has yet to appear on Bravo’s website. However, a lovely YouTuber has collected all the promos.
I thought it would take a lot to feel the gaping void left in me when John Krasinski pulled out [of Thursday night television until next season] on me, but it seems like a little Abdul might do the trick.
Hey, Paula [Variety]
Hi friends. Jordan here. I know I keep threatening to actually give Rob a hand in running this joint, but I’ve found it increasingly difficult to find opportunities to write with my new work situation. And frankly, there’s a bigger problem than my schedule: living so far away from Rob. Truth be told, not only is he the greatest guy I know, but he’s also my comedic muse. For serious. I’m remarkably less clever without being able to suckle on the teat of wit and wisdom that is Rob. We even tried breast pumps and FedEx and it just wasn’t the same; something happens to Rob’s funny-milk when it’s exposed to jet fuel that turns it into something that might as well have dripped out of Dane Cook.
Too far? Too far.
But dammitall, I’m not throwing in the towel. Last night I saw Kathy Griffin do a two and a half hour set at the Gibson Amphitheater. My sides still hurt – from the laughing, not the sharp, flailing elbows of the surrounding gays. Oh yeah, the guy to my right was “straight,” which he insisted on exclaiming multiple times throughout the evening. I wonder if he felt like I did that time I was kidnapped and forced to watch “Everybody Loves Raymond.” My point is, if Kathy can turn out a killer (and what I presume to be mostly fresh) show night after night, I can write a few schlocky posts about the gay news and my new celebrity neighbors for y’all.
So where to start? All of our favorite topics (The View, TR Knight, Meg Ryan, Anderson Cooper, etc.) have been co-opted by the regular media and are probably wearing thin with you. But who/what is the new paradigm of ridiculousness?
Oh! And by this time next week, Rob will be here in LA visiting me, which not only means a fantastic photo gallery is coming your way, but I’ll also be able to stockpile and freeze a bunch of the funny to keep this bitch hummin’.
I had intended to take a PEN15 hiatus during the month of June, thanks to a combination work/travel clusterfuck, but this picture of Matt Damon surfing wrenched me out of my blogger coma.
Damon is a terrific actor, and I value his thoughtful and topical contributions to cinema (even if he’s starring in not one but two “part threes” this summer), but it needs to be said: The man’s ass alone deserves $10 million a picture. No wonder he’s surfing. That thing probably controls the tides.
Leave it to one of Hollywood’s few really obviously straight leading men to be packing that kind of junk in his trunk. If anyone cares, Ben Affleck is also featured in the linked photo set.
That’s probably all till July, but please email!
Matt Damon surfing [JustJared]
