Archive for September, 2007

Craig-proof bathrooms and other pressing issues

Published by Jordan on September 30, 2007 in Potpourri and Rants. 2 Comments

bathroomThe slew of recent gay sex scandals has recently brought a disproportionate amount of attention to the world of public men’s rooms. I mean, because the real problem here is that the construction of public bathrooms just makes it too damn easy to have the homosex. Apparently a nice married gentleman that enters the bathroom to, say, blow his nose might notice the hole in the bathroom stall and think, “Hey, I bet I could fit my penis through that hole.”

And now, the public outcry for fag-safe public bathroom stalls begins. This is fascinating to me. There’s Jim Naugle’s plan for doors that automatically spring open if you’ve been in there longer than the standard time it takes to drop the kids off at the pool. Then there’s the MSP airport’s plan to install floor-to-ceiling fortress walls between stalls, making foot stomping and hand gestures things that are only used by Mummenshanz.

We here at the PEN15 Club don’t think automatic doors and tall walls are going far enough, so we’ve developed our own list of things to keep our bathrooms safe:

  • Don’t patch gloryholes. Just rig the other side with something unpleasant to put your penis in, such as: a box of clawed kittens, tapioca pudding, something knitted by a grandma, or a vagina
  • Play “Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls” on a loop to remind all of the “straight” bathroom patrons how gay they really are
  • Toilet seat covers that resemble Perez Hilton’s thighs
  • Posted signs with alternate, more innocent meanings for all hand signals that may be used to illicit sex: “Oh! You want me to make running water noises to help you?” or “I see you’re asking for a courtesy flush.”
  • Change all “family” bathrooms into gay sex bathrooms. Because, really, what’s weirder?

And of course, the most obvious solution…

  • One sign: NO REPUBLICANS ALLOWED

Rob’s Wednesday enemies list

Published by Rob on September 26, 2007 in Bitches, Celebs, Films, Gunts and TV. 1 Comment

katewalshe_caulf_7671685_400.jpgSo it’s come to this: I’m officially just listing people and things that are pissing me off at the moment. Ready? I am. Here goes:

Gen. Peter Pace. Dude, we know that the Lord told you to hate gays. But even you acknowledge that there are “wonderful Americans who happen to be homosexual serving in the military.” So wouldn’t you think that, especially during wartime (or, as it’s apparently known from here on in, “time”), the tactful approach would be to just not mention it for awhile? Let alone in a public forum? Again?

Kate Walsh. In the grand tradition of Sarah Jessica Parker, Debra Messing and Jennifer Aniston, television network executives, the E! channel and In Style have colluded to try to convince the American public that a pleasant enough-looking actress is the epitome of glamor. But while those actresses actually had decent comic timing and the good fortune to star in shows that were at least pretty good for awhile, Walsh evinces all the charisma of that woman who ran over your foot with her jogging stroller at Starbucks yesterday morning. And Private Practice, premiering tonight, has to be DOA. Please.

First Look. This hit-starved independent distributor doesn’t have enough money to release two of its splashy Sundance premieres in theaters, so it’s shunting them off to DVD in February. In the process, it’s providing a big slap in the face to some high-level talent. Smiley Face isn’t just an Anna Faris stoner vehicle (though I admire Ah-na’s moxie in bitching to the press about this), it’s also director Gregg Araki’s follow-up to the excellent Mysterious Skin and co-stars PEN15 Club honorary husbear John Krasinski. An American Crime, meanwhile, stars the awesome Catherine Keener in the true story of a woman who coerced her own children and a neighborhood full of others into torturing an orphaned girl (Ellen Page). I want to see these movies at my local Landmark, dammit!

Thus ends the Wednesday enemies list. Thanks for sharing in the venom!

Joint Chiefs Chairman Peter Pace goes out with a bigoted bang [Towleroad]
Anna Faris isn’t smiling [MTV.com]

How to make TV gayer

Published by Rob on September 25, 2007 in TV. 0 Comments

3884.jpgYou may have heard that
a new GLAAD study shows the number of gay regular characters on network TV is declining, with just 7 spread (tee hee) across all scripted series on the five major networks. (Note that this doesn’t include cable series, reality or any recurring characters, which most TV gays are.)

This is, to say the least, disappointing, especially coming from CBS and the so-called “diverse” CW, which have no gay regulars. It’s also pretty lame that one of the seven is a hot blonde bisexual (Bonnie Somerville) on ABC’s Cashmere Mafia.

Here are our suggestions as to how some other network series can queer up:

1. George Eads and Eric Szmanda star in a limited-run summer spin-off called CSI: Rehoboth.

2 An undercover investigation into the seamy underbelly of an all-girl sex ring leads Det. Olivia Benson (Mariska Hargitay) to find her inner lesbian on SVU. In a very special episode that takes a rare detour into the characters’ personal lives, she gives Stabler’s car a tune-up.

3. Ian Somerhalder joins the ever-expanding cast of Heroes as a new character with an otherworldly ability to put his ankles all the way behind his head. And no gag reflex.

4. Frustrated by the difficulty of dating after 40, Old Christine decides to have a really new adventure. Jane Lynch guest stars.

5. The One Tree Hill characters tend to pair off a lot anyway (on the show and in real life), so it shouldn’t be much of a stretch to get Chad Michael Murray and James Lafferty together for at least half a season.

6. It turns out that NCIS stands for “Nine Cocks in Service.”

7. Ugly Betty discovers that many lesbians actually enjoy a little cushion for the pushin’. She leaves her job at the fashion magazine and becomes an assistant editor at Cat Fancy.


Study: Another straight year for gay characters [Hollywood Reporter]

Emmy ruminations, or “What the fuck did Sally Field say?”

Published by Rob on September 16, 2007 in Celebs and TV. 0 Comments

279ferreraamerica.jpgThe Emmys just ended seconds ago, so I’m gonna rattle off a list of observations:

1.) Did Ryan Seacrest think that pointing out who did Eva Longoria’s hair and wardrobe would make him seem less gay?

2.) Could the FOX product placement have been any more blatant? Having Kelsey “I marry a new blonde every 6 months” Grammer and Patty “Thank you Jesus and Terry Schiavo” Heaton present best comedy was a real low point. Also, the pathetically clumsy “We know about new media and user-generated content!” through-line was laughable - see the clips of best comedy nominees broadcast on iPhones.

3.) I dug the fact that the Roots tribute was notably OJ-free.

4.) James Spader took the Candice Bergen honorary citation for Most Ashamed Winner.

5.) The Ricky Gervais victory was a nice surprise, in that it prevented Tony Shalhoub from having to be as ashamed as Spader.

6.) America Ferrera’s “I’m just a girl with a dream” shtick is getting really old. She’s officially the Hilary Swank of primetime television.

7.) I realize that the networks are terrified of FCC fines, but couldn’t they have found a more elegant way to censor content than the awkward cut to the mirrorball closeup with muted sound? This happened three times: During Ray Romano’s opening bit (if you’re bleeping Ray Romano, you’ve officially reverted to Puritanism), Katherine Heigl’s “Oh shit!” and Sally Field’s bizarre, discursive anti-war (?) diatribe. (We’re assuming it was anti, as she mostly just repeated the word “war,” like, four times.)

8.) Nothing against Jaime Pressly, but Jenna Fischer’s loss is a bizarre miscarriage of justice.

9.) Jeremy Piven’s hairpiece needs to be stopped.

10.) The Jersey Boys need to be stopped.

11.) Tony Bennett needs to be stopped.

PEN15 Drippings: Exposed Prick Edition

Published by Rob on September 12, 2007 in Bitches, Career Suicide, Celebs and Famous PEN15s. 3 Comments

eastern-promises-trlr1.jpgFull frontal male nudity is all the rage (again), with Viggo Mortensen leading the charge in Eastern Promises this weekend. I love it when gay directors use their clout with A-list hotties to expose them for the greater good. Thank you, David Cronenberg! [New York Observer]

Apparently when Ja Rule said “Every thug needs a lady,” he meant to imply, “and not another thug, because homosexuality is what’s ruining America’s children, and not an increasingly bankrupt hip hop culture that promotes canned fetishization of bling and ass over artistic innovation and self-expression.” [Queerty]

Kind of old news, but I had to give a shout-out to the fact that every pederast’s favorite pundit, Bill Donohue of the Catholic League, has his panties in a twist over Kathy Griffin’s hilarious Emmy speech, in which she was, for the record, not making fun of religion itself, but of self-absorbed, faux-pious celebrities that invoke it in on the awards show podium. Not that there’s anything wrong with making fun of religion itself, Godboy. [AP]

J. Hud gets back on the horse

Published by Rob on September 10, 2007 in Career Suicide and Celebs. 0 Comments

9619.jpgLet me start off today by saying that the PEN15 Club has always made a policy of not discussing Britney Spears. She bores us, we’ve never been consumers of any of her “art,” and we’d rather just pretend that she never existed. In that spirit, I won’t be mentioning last night’s MTV fiasco, which I didn’t watch live but caught later after numerous text messages insisted it was unmissable. The whole spectacle was too depressing to comment on, but I will say that I was reminded of two moments in classic film history: 1) Gwen Welles’ narcotized striptease (which she’s sure is her big break) toward the end of Nashville and 2) King Kong, doped and chained on the stage of a Broadway theater.

Anyway, on to the news of the day. It’s long been theorized that Best Supporting Actress Oscar winners are doomed to dismal careers after they win the gold statue (have you seen Mercedes Ruehl lately?). I would argue that the Academy has disproved this urban legend lately by awarding a healthy mixture of bona fide stars (Catherine Zeta-Jones, Renee Zellweger, Cate Blanchett) and addictively hireable character actresses (Judi Dench, Marcia Gay Harden). Heck, even Marisa Tomei and Mira Sorvino have highly anticipated prestige pics from top directors opening this fall.

Jennifer Hudson, this year’s winner, was always going to be a tough post-Oscar sell. Juicy roles for zaftig African American women are not particularly easy to come by. But who would have predicted that she would follow up the win by playing Sarah Jessica Parker’s assistant in the doomed Sex and the City movie? Good God, how busy could Wanda Sykes be?

Somewhere, Geena Davis and Brenda Fricker are swimming in schadenfreude.

Hudson moves to ‘Sex and the City’ movie [Hollywood Reporter]

In the mood for a nice, deep Dickson

Published by Rob on September 5, 2007 in Bitches and Career Suicide. 5 Comments

homerbg1.jpgYou guys, it’s been so long since we’ve talked. No, Merv Griffin’s all-powerful estate didn’t “disappear” me, South American dictator-style, after my last post. I’ve just been really busy starting a new job and squeezing the last savory juices out of summer, while blogger emeritus Jordan was injured in a horseback-riding accident and can only type by blowing into a tube (or is really busy with work too, whichever).

Anyway, in the last couple weeks, we’ve missed a lot: Owen Wilson’s suicide attempt, the Larry Craig scandal, the Michael Vick scandal, the Jerry Lewis scandal, Halle Berry’s pregnancy, Jude Law’s arrest, the Big Love season finale, the explosion of Superbad and everyone subsequently loving Michael Cera as much as I have since before it was legal, the iPod Touch (does the name imply that the next iteration will be controlled just by looking? Jordan?), my insane crush on Bret McKenzie of Flight of the Conchords, and the Wentworth Miller/Luke MacFarlane paparazzi shots (or as I call them, the “busted!” series).

I could have chosen any of the above topics for my triumphant return to blogging, but instead I choose to draw your attention to my new muse, Brenda Dickson. Bren rose to fame in the early ’70s as one of the original cast members of The Young and the Restless, back when daytime soaps were still relevant to the masses, or at least the masses of women who didn’t yet “work outside the home.” In 1987, her diva antics got her fired, and so she attempted to capitalize on the burgeoning home video phenomenon by writing, directing and exec producing Welcome to My Home, a hilariously…well, I’m not even going to waste words describing it, as mere words cannot come close. Just watch.

The forgotten video received a YouTube revival a few months ago, which led to some play on The Soup and a brilliant voice-over sendup (how brilliant? Two words: “busy furlough”).

All the attention compelled me to find out what’s become of Old Bren. Would you believe that, earlier this year, she spent three months in a Hawaiian prison for failing to vacate the premises of the home she shared with her ex-husband, which was to be sold as part of their divorce settlement? And just when she was whoring her way back onto the occasional red carpet!

Until fairly recently, Brenda was providing updates on her bizarre saga in the form of rambling, discursive missives labeled “press releases” on her website. But a few months ago, the releases stopped. Does anyone out there have any info on Brenda? Is VH-1 going to give her the reality show she so richly deserves (and obviously craves)? Seriously, if Oxygen can build an entire series around Tori Spelling pretending to run an inn, then Brenda deserves at least six half-hour episodes. I even have a title for it: “Well, Hello!”

Welcome to My Home [YouTube]
Welcome to My Home parody [YouTube]
Brenda Dickson [Wikipedia]
Brenda’s website