Author Archive for Jordan

How not to advertise to gays

Published by Jordan on March 24, 2007 in Features, Potpourri and Rants. 21 Comments

gay ad

Click on this photo to get the full effect.

Now, I understand that the tome of gay-directed advertising isn’t exactly anything to brag about. There are a few golden moments (and the Commercial Closet does a fantastic job of cataloging them), but for the most part, we’re reduced to shirtless, hairless, beaded necklace wearing men walking along a P-town beach, sometimes with a reptile thrown carelessly over the shoulder. No matter the product. Most of the time, the message is something along the lines of, “Despite your AIDS, our obscenely expensive drug will help you do this!”

I’ve learned not to expect much from the drug companies or the pop and pop B&Bs with low ad budgets and even lower creative inspiration.

But when an ad monolith such as Pepsi devises something so terribly insulting that I virtually can’t get any work done, I’ve got to say something. Take a look at this ad for Diet Pepsi. And if you’re not outraged, allow me to tell you why you should be.

The Backstory
What you’re looking at is a picture of an old Diet Pepsi ad attached to someone’s refrigerator. Closer inspection reveals that the ad on the fridge appeared in Out magazine in April of 2005… on page 24. This led me to believe that the ad is fake, recreated for this new ad, because when’s the last time you saw a print ad in a magazine with a page number on it?

I was wrong. This ad did appear in 2005 (sans page number). And even then, it’s headline “Number of Diet Pepsi six packs consumed a week to keep this ’six pack’: 2″ sucked. Is Pepsi trying to suggest that drinking Diet Pepsi will actually give a guy a six pack? All I know is that I’m more bloated than Al Gore after a single Diet Pepsi.

Continue reading ‘How not to advertise to gays’

VOTE NOW in March Gayness! The closest the PEN15 Club will get to playing anything like a sport

Published by Jordan on March 19, 2007 in Uncategorized. 3 Comments

Okay, so we’re up against OMG Blog, which even we like more than the PEN15 Club, but still – help us put up a good fight, would you?

The Malcontent, whose site is once again Mac compatible (woo hoo!), is staging a Battle of the Blogs, which surprisingly has a lot more in common with a basketball tournament than you think. They both leave me holding a towel in my hand at the end of the game.

So show us your love and help us score a few 3-pointers to give OMG a run for its funny, eh?

Dancing with the Scars

Published by Jordan on February 21, 2007 in Bitches, Celebs and TV. 4 Comments

heather mills legPaul McCartney’s single-legged ex-wife Heather Mills is going to be on next season’s “Dancing with the Stars.” Our prediction is that she’ll be the first contestant ever to be eliminated in the Hokey Pokey round.

“The song told me to put my left leg in, and I just panicked!” Mills will claim.

Mills to compete on ‘Dancing with the Stars’ [CNN]

Win a date with the lad Vanderbilt

Published by Jordan on February 20, 2007 in AC:Crazy, Celebs, News and Potpourri. 4 Comments

andiecooper$21,000 can buy you a bare bones Volvo. It can buy 140 iPod nanos. It can even buy you 1,050 premium bedazzlers. Or, if you’re one lucky British homosexualist, it can buy you the world’s most awkward gay date. And if you ask me, if the date is meant to make notorious vagina connoisseur Anderson Cooper sweat bullets in his powder pink necktie, then it might just be worth giving up the Volvo.

Yet someone in the Cooper Camp seemed to forget that auctioning off a date with one of America’s most sought after silver-haired bottoms (right after Richard Gere and right before Tim Gunn) at an AIDS benefit, might draw the attention of some, uh, wealthy gays.

Well, British bachelor Oliver Hicks (could he have been named anything else?!) has won Andie’s arm for an evening of white knuckles, clenched teeth, and buttered buns. And also dinner.

Can you imagine how the dinner (or, as I’ve imagined it, brunch) conversation will go? I can. And will:

Anderson: So, you, like… uhh… supporting AIDS?

Oliver: Yes, um, it’s killed nearly a dozen of my friends. As you know…

Anderson: NO! No I don’t know. Don’t know what you’re talking about. I can only, uh, imagine. Oh my god, they have sweet potato fries here.

Oliver: Yeah, I doubt they serve them at brunch through. How did you know I wanted our date to be a brunch date anyway?

Anderson: Well, when else would we have… NO! I mean, uh, one of my PAs is gay. He suggested you might be most comfortable at brunch. Personally, I’m a lunch date kinda guy myself. I find it puts the ladies at ease. And there’s nothing like a Mich Ultra at lunchtime to put my nerves at ease before a broadcast.

Oliver: Oh, a beer man too, eh?

Anderson: Oh yes. Mich Ultra, Woodchuck Cider… there’s this drinking hole in Chelsea that has this wonderful ale with actual blueberries floating in it. Oh, listen to me go on. Hey, you have nice facial hair. Do you groom it to that length or does it just come in naturally like that?

Oliver: We should get out of here, shouldn’t we?

Anderson: Oh, so it comes in naturally?

Anderson Cooper Inadvertently Outed by Charity Auction [Socialite’s Life]

Homophobehab

Published by Jordan on January 25, 2007 in Bitches and News. 2 Comments

isaiahA few weeks ago, Isaiah Washington called fellow Grey’s Anatomy costar TR Knight a faggot. And we all found out, made a big deal, and then kind of got over it.

But then, last week Isaiah squeezed out a steaming turd of awkwardness over what should have been a night of celebration for the cast, by bringing light to the incident again at the Golden Globes. And we were all kind of confused.
Well, the apologies have come and gone. The meetings with “leaders of the gay community” have come and gone (who are the leaders of the gay community anyway? Vilanche? Elton? Travolta?) It’s time Isaiah checks into homophobe rehab for a little sensitivity training.

For alcoholics, quitting drinking may be an enormous challenge, but at least the treatment is pretty clear: just stop drinking and you’ll eventually learn to, uh, take prescription drugs to quell the shakes. But is there really such a treatment that would teach you to not hate an entire subculture? Apparently there is. And we here at the PEN15 Club have the proprietary methodology used by Isaiah’s treatment center, Bottoms Up:

Week One:

  • Trade all clothing for gay-ambiguous threads, including Crocs, capris, various linen articles, and a leather manblouse made from skin off the ass of Steven Cojocaru
  • Mediate a fight between Lance and Reichen
  • Indian leg wrestle Vin Diesel

Week Two:

  • Change Ian McKellan’s diaper
  • Write lyrics to Darude’s “Sandstorm”
  • Navigate an obstacle course of “Everybody Loves Raymond” cast members… on rollerblades

Week Three:

  • Murder one of Tom Cruise’s tricks with bare hands
  • Develop more sophisticated pallet through lube tasting
  • Sucking chrome of trailer hitches of various sizes

Week Four:

  • Seven days of double fistfuck receiving
  • Gradutation

We wish you luck, Isaiah.

“Grey’s Anatomy” star Isaiah Washington in counselling after anti-gay slur [canada.com]

Pounded by Peyton, and other punishments I wouldn’t turn down

Published by Jordan on January 22, 2007 in Club News and Potpourri. 0 Comments

sad tomOh, how I wish I were still in Boston to lick up Tom Brady’s enormous tears while I lovingly massage his broad shoulders. It’s a little known fact that I used to be on the Patriots’ payroll to do just that.

But instead, I had to watch the gut wrenching game from afar, all by my lonesome in a land that doesn’t understand the true meaning of the word “wicked.” In my incredible list of things I’ll miss about Boston – Rob being perched right at the top – is Boston sports. Indeed, both the Pats and the Sox have this magical way of making a clueless queer sit up and pay attention. And it’s not just because of the jock straps and locker room interviews. Playoff games in both sports have all the drama of a good drag show, and the added benefit of nachos and beer.

So now as the Patriots go into hibernation, I’ll be gettin’ back into the game here at the Club. It’s been an intense few days, but I’m already drenched in some hot Hollywood goo to share with y’all. But not tonight. Instead, I have to make a last-ditch push to get rid of this jetlag before I start my new job tomorrow.

Soon!

Indianapolis Jolt [Boston.com]

Who’s the Bossy power bottom?

Published by Jordan on January 6, 2007 in Anal, Celebs, Famous PEN15s, PEN15s and TV. 6 Comments

dannypIt’s the one story that Perez Hilton can’t scoop because he’s not one for irony and it would be like pot calling the rosebud dewy.

Perhaps there’s a time in every gay child star’s life where he actually thinks people forget what he looks like, and that he might be able to get away with posting nude pictures of himself on a m4m hookup site (links NSFW). But did little Danny Pintauro really expect all of us gays to not recognize those vacant doe eyes, magnificent dimples, and partially obscured Danza. No sir!

I for one recall having a terrible crush on young Jonathan Bower way back when Judith Light had a full head of glorious hair. And before you call me a pervert, keep in mind that I was actually younger than Jonathan Bower at the time. But it’s so nice to know that the lad has grown to fill out a jock strap so nicely! I do feel bad, however, that he’s not off jet setting around with a somewhat elderly, rich, tanning bed queen, and is instead trolling adam4adam for action, but at least we know he’s not spending all his residuals getting his chest waxed.

It does baffle me that he didn’t make a reference to his stint on Circus of the Stars in the personal ad. Maybe if he highlighted his trapeze skills, he’d have a better response rate.

He’s the Boss? [Pink is the New Blog]
Perez Hilton Exposed [Faded Youth]

Extending the PEN15’s reach

Published by Jordan on December 28, 2006 in Club News. 8 Comments

hollywoodSo I have a confession to make. Not only did Rob and I eat enough over our holiday break to gain an entire Joshua Jackson, but I was also busy making a somewhat bittersweet decision. Not that any of y’all care where Rob and I are located as long as the sass flows forth bountifully, but I’d like to use my recent decision as an excuse for what may be a quiet couple of weeks for my posts on the PEN15.

I’m makin’ the move from Boston to Los Angeles in couple of weeks. Rob and I felt that one of us had to be on the forecunt of the Celebrity Skirt Burst™ phenomenon to get some first hand reporting on the latest labia about town. So I’m trading my Red Sox cap for a surfboard and high tailing it to the West Coast.

Okay, the truth is, I don’t own a Sox cap. And I probably won’t surf. And I’m not moving to LA to be on 24/7 poontroll. In fact, I’m not even all that crazy about LA (yet), and never would have even considered living there if a somewhat amazing job opportunity hadn’t grabbed me by the nuts. So I’m going to try it out. Do some advertising in the sun, and then contemplate a move back East in a few years. Maybe.

The fact of the matter is, deciding to leave Boston was the single hardest decision I’ve ever made, particularly because it means putting an uncomfortable amount of distance between me and Rob, my best friend and one of the greatest guys I’ve ever known. It’s a bit premature to get sentimental, so I’ll leave it at that for now.

I assure you that when I’m settled, The PEN15 Club will only get better because of our bi-coastal coverage. What other gay cultural criticism blog can claim such pan-American moxie? As for the podcast… well, we’ll have to work that out. Technology is a wonderful thing.

Now, which of our left coast readers is gettin’ my first drink?

Piss off Natasha Lyonne and she’ll probably fuck your dog

Published by Jordan on December 15, 2006 in Anal, Bitches, Celebs and News. 1 Comment

natasha lyonneThe city of New York can finally breathe a collective sigh of relief: Asstress Natasha Lyonne turned herself in today on charges dating back to 2004 of trespassing, mischief, harassment, and threatening to molest her neighbor’s dog. The same incident resulted in an eviction by her landlord, Michael Rappaport, who delivered the notice with failed humor, not surprisingly.

Frankly, we’re impressed that Lyonne is still alive after last year’s debacle where she went missing and showed up days later with a collapsed lung and a case of the Hep-C. Authorities had followed her track marks for days before finding the homeless performer end-to-end on a piece of spaghetti with a Doberman pinscher. It’s good to know that she’s now well enough to pull herself together and face the music for - it bears repeating - threatening to molest a dog.

Natasha, I have so many questions for you! Was it national Do Something That Would Even Make Courtney Love Blush day? Does black tar heroin make you sexually attracted to things that smell like kennel? What kind of dog was it? Because if it was a Weimaraner , I can kind of see where you’re coming from. They’re just so pretty…

We really do hope you’re able to make a full recovery from the gallimaufry of things that ail you, because “But I’m a Cheerleader” is definitely in our top-10 favorite gay interest films of all time and, uh, it would be terrible to die while being known only as “‘American Pie’ actress” and “that girl who threatened to fuck a dog.”

‘American Pie’ actress turns herself in at court [CNN]
‘American Pie’ star’s fight for life [MSNBC]

Stefano Gabbana bites the hand that holdes the Amex

Published by Jordan on December 11, 2006 in News, Politics, Rants and Style. 9 Comments

gabbanaDear Leatherface,

I don’t really have the right to talk because the only thing I’ve ever owned by Dolce & Gabbana was a well-used print ad from a 1998 copy of “Out” magazine, which my 16-year-old self kept folded up in the glove compartment of his Oldsmobile. It was there to remind me that there were marketers who actually valued the gay community, and that one day I might be able to form the pelvic ‘vee’ that is so necessary for owning a pair of your lovely, low-rise dungarees.

But today, I read on the interweb that you don’t think gay couples make good parents. In fact, you even used the same rhetoric employed by what we here in the U.S. like to call the Radical Right: the whole idea that children need to have a mother and a father in order to be healthy and, uh, not self-loathing.

Now don’t get me wrong. It’s fine with me that your incredible ego drives you to desire a child that is the “fruit of [your] sperm” rather than those low-rent pretend children born in fly-over countries, but don’t you think that if your head gets any bigger, you’re going to have a hard time fitting it through the neck-hole of your own clothing?

Here’s the deal: fuck you. You may have some terrible, skewed, Brian Kinney-esque impression of the gay community, but not all of us spent our young adulthoods blowing rails of coke off anonymous asses in bathroom stalls and thinking that “open” relationships are more healthy than monogamous ones. Some of us do aspire to create a family with our partner, and nurture a child in the same loving atmosphere that we were brought up by our boring, hetero parents. I applaud you for recognizing that children need a solid family for a healthy upbringing, but I think you’re kind of a cock for thinking that’s only attainable for straights.

Do you really think it’ll actually be healthier for your child if he had to stay with Mommy while Daddy went to Ibiza the man he really loves? Gimme a freakin’ break.

The gays are going to boycott you now. And I don’t blame them. No more pink dollar for you! But good luck making a new line of 40×30 jeans to fit your new best friends in the Bible belt.

Love,

Jordan

Gay designer Gabbana is against same sex parents [Daily Mail] via Towleroad