Author Archive for Jordan

Save the Queerleader, Save the World

Published by Jordan on December 10, 2006 in Celebs, Rants and TV. 2 Comments

zachWe here at The Club were just giddy when Thomas Dekker’s character, Zach, the adorable outcast on NBC’s “Heroes,” outed himself in an episode that aired about a month ago. It was only a matter of time; they had been hinting at his sexuality all season, and the show’s writers had confirmed his sexuality in various interviews.

But now it’s being reported that Zach’s expressed sexuality will be reneged when the show comes back in January. Perhaps he had a latent heterosexualizing power that he inadvertently turned on himself during an exercise in self-exploration. Or that the writers just didn’t find the power to bedazzle an old Ramones t-shirt in mere seconds compelling enough to pull the character through the rest of the season.

It’s unclear whether it’s NBC or Dekker’s representation is responsible for luring the lad back into the closet, but one thing’s for certain: everyone feels that having a gay character on a TV drama about embracing individuality and uniqueness is just redundant. Fuckers.

Somewhere, Dominic Monaghan and Kyle KY feel slightly more normal.

Heroes Straightens Up Its Gay Character [AfterElton]

Bravo prances one step closer to monopolizing our gay lives

Published by Jordan on December 5, 2006 in TV. 2 Comments

topdesignAs if ‘Project Runway,’ ‘Queer Eye,’ ‘Blow Out,’ and ‘Top Chef’ weren’t gay enough to make Logo look like the Game and Hunting Network, Bravo is adding another fagcentric reality contest show to its lineup: Top Design, a show where a bunch of white people interior designers compete for compliments from host Todd Oldham.

With the exception of the straight female, appropriately standing as though she’s an outcast, the cast and judges just might be a wash of homos. Of course, I’m only using this picture as evidence (along with the facts that the show is about interior design and on Bravo), but have you ever seen such a fine, diverse collection of gayface?! I’m just trying to imagine what the photographer said in lieu of “cheese” right before the picture was taken, because all the gays look intrigued and all the lesbians look horrified. I bet it was something like “Chris Evans’ taint!”

So would someone email me and remind me to set the DVR when I get home? As much as I loathe being a slave to the TV, I just can’t pass up the opportunity to see a bitter homo weep into his apron because he was kicked off the show after losing to a labia-themed room.

PEN15 2.0: A slicker PEN15

Published by Jordan on December 4, 2006 in Club News. 3 Comments

PEN15 ClubOkay, so we were getting a little tired of things breaking at the PEN15 Club. Like the Blogroll, the email notifications, tags, and other things. So we’ve packed things up and moved over to WordPress. That’s why we’ve been so quiet lately. Rob insists on carefully labeling everything and making sure the moving boys get good and sweaty before anything happens.

During the transition, there’s going to be a few glitches. Like, the blogroll, email notifications, and tags are, uh, still broken. Or just not implemented yet. It’s not a drastic change - we tried to make the ‘club look somewhat familiar - but things are definitely looking a little cleaner and a little less loose. It’s like one of those vagina tightening surgeries I’ve read so much about. That’s right, we’ve had our preverbial vag tightened.

Anyway, we hope you enjoy the changes, and do let us know if there are any bugs or additions you’d like to see! We look forward to many more PEN15 posts!

Shot into the back of my throat and down my esophagus, not stirred.

Published by Jordan on November 29, 2006 in Celebs, Famous PEN15s, Films, News and Rants. 4 Comments

Daniel Craig Nude1-ThumbContact Music, the only news source more reliable than the batshit crazy homeless lesbian outside of the Dunkin’ Donuts at the end of my street, reports that Daniel Craig is interested in filming a gay bond scene, possibly complete with full-frontal nudity.

[Note: While the report does not specify whether it is he that wants to be involved in the gay scene, we’re going to work under that assumption because, well, it lends itself better to this post.]

Said Craig, “Why not? I think in this day and age, fans would have accepted it. I mean, look at (British TV series) Doctor Who - that has had gay scenes in it and no one blinks an eye,” a statement he quickly followed with several eye blinks.

Daniel. Listen. We were really okay with what you gave us: tight blue go-go boy swim trunks, shoulders that should be covered in A1 and devoured, and a nude scene in which you taunt a fey villain into repeatedly whipping you with the world’s largest anal bead. It’s kind of you to offer, but you must understand that your unattainability is what makes us fags love you. Because if you were gay, clearly you would be within the realm of attainability. You would join the ranks of Jack Nasty and Anderson Cooper, and we won’t be allowed to talk about you on DataLounge anymore!

James Bond wouldn’t be James Bond if he weren’t sponged in pussy galore, swimming in Octopussy, and always guzzling ‘tang. If he occasionally passed on the poon to get to know Rimmy l’Anus, he’d just be plain’ ol Daniel Craig.

As for the full frontal, by all means. Don’t let me hold you back on that one.

Craig Wants Gay Bond Scene [Contact Music] via Towleroad

Clay Aiken smears santorum in Kelly Ripa’s mouth, allegedly

Published by Jordan on November 22, 2006 in Bitches, Celebs and TV. 7 Comments

This has to be the most bizarre 3-way daytime television feud since… well, only since Baba Jones’donnell-gate a few months ago. But here’s happened: Clay Aiken was filling in for Regis on “Live” on Friday (Kelly, if you can’t get Mario Lopez, wait!). At one point in the show, Clay got a little squirrelly, pulled his hand out of the ass of the bound leather daddy he takes with him everywhere, and covered Kelly’s cold, thin-lipped mouth. And boy, did Kelly scold him – one of those extremely awkward TV moments when the performers don’t even try to play it off as a joke. But then, she attempted to lighten the moment with the oh-so clever “I don’t know where that hand has been, honey.”

This is where it gets bizarre. On “The View” on Monday, Rosie called Kelly’s comment homophobic, suggesting that Kelly wouldn’t have scolded Clay if he were hetero or (this was funny) “a cute man.” But then Ripa calls in – because apparently the matrons of daytime TV spend all their off-time watching one another’s shows – claiming that she felt violated by Clay’s rude behavior blah blah blah, and that Rosie knows better than to call her homophobic.

How Carol Channing of her.

Here’s my take:

  • You could probably go through the years of footage of Ripa on “Live” and find dozens of clips of her covering someone’s mouth or having her own mouth covered in comedic moments. I don’t think it’s quite the heinous affront she makes it out to be. [Update: In fact, Gawker has already posted a montage of hot Ripa hand-on-mouth money shots.
  • That said, I can definitely imagine Kelly delivering the same “don’t know where that hand has been” line to others, but I don’t think it has to do with sexuality. Imagine it being Andy Roddick or Colin Farrell. The line would have been just as relevant. They’re young, a little rough around the edges, and probably don’t have clean hands. Now, imagine it being Clooney: Ripa would swoon. Okay, maybe Clooney wasn’t a good example. The fact is, I think Kelly doesn’t like Clay, but I don’t think is has to do with his sexuality. I think she took advantage of his youth and inexperience by embarrassing him, which wasn’t the right thing to do.
  • Rosie is making a wide leap by suggesting that Ripa thinks Clay’s hands are dirty because he’s clearly off having gay sex all the time. Because all vaginas (I’ve only seen approximations) are sparkling clean. You could eat off ‘em. No straight woman would mind of the hand of a heterosexual male which, for the sake of argument, may have just been clam digging, covering her mouth. Right?
  • But aren’t we missing the huge, pink elephant in the middle of the room? Isn’t it putting the ass before the carriage to assume that Kelly is being homophobic when, as far as we’re all concerned, Clay’s not even gay?! I mean, unless I missed something big, Clay is still dodging the question, and Rosie will have effectively outed him on national television. And there’s a difference between a comedian joking about Clay’s sexuality, and a daytime TV host using it as a way to make him a martyr.

So Rosie, shut up. Kelly, lighten up. And Clay, wash up. And Kathy Griffin? Where the fuck are you when we need you?

Ripa response after the jump.

All via Towleroad:
The View, Kelly Ripa Responds [YouTube]
Rosie on Ripa/Aiken hand covering [YouTube]
Continue reading ‘Clay Aiken smears santorum in Kelly Ripa’s mouth, allegedly’

Spermin’ on the Mount: Ted Haggard goes down

Published by Jordan on November 2, 2006 in Career Suicide and News. 6 Comments

ted-haggard.jpgWhen I saw him in “Jesus Camp,” I knew that the conspicuous look of crazy in Ted Haggard’s eye was more than just an unquenchable lust for the majesty of Jesus. It was a lust for the majesty of hard, hot, for-hire man bone. Frankly, I’m surprised I didn’t recognize it instantly.

Indeed, the founding pastor of Colorado mega-cult New Life Church (and friend of the pres) has just stepped down amidst accusations from Mike Jones, notorious man of the night, that he and the pastor have had a three year business relationship. And when you’re in the business of dealing meth while gripping your ankles, there’s really nothing left for your customers to do than resign in disgrace.

But this brings up another question. Is there anyone on the far right that’s not a self-loathing closeted fag? I mean, seriously. At this rate, we’re going to catch Rumsfeld arm deep Tony’s snow, giggling about how he “still likes Bush.”

As this story unfolds, I direct you to this YouTube gem of chest beating atheist and evolutionary biologist (and personal hero of mine) Richard Dawkins interviewing a condescending, patronizing Haggard. If you look really closely, you can actually see very expensive semen spattered delicately over the shit eating grin on Haggard’s contorted gayface.

Update: A PEN15 Club reader has graciously sent in a longer cut of the Dawkins + Haggard smackdown.

Note: If you happen to be in NYC this weekend for the marathon, cheer me on. For every “PEN15″ sign a see while running, I’ll make another grab for Gyllenhaal’s ass.

Top Evangelist Rev. Ted Haggard Resigns Amid Allegations of Gay Affair [FOX News - yes, really]
Richard Dawkins Questions Evangelical Pastor [YouTube]

BREAKING: NJ SJC votes in favor of gay marriage

Published by Jordan on October 25, 2006 in News. 1 Comment

Link to PDF of opinion.

“On this day, the majority parses plaintiffs’ rights to hold that plaintiffs must have access to the tangible benefits of state-sanctioned heterosexual marriage. I would extend the Court’s mandate to require that same-sex couples have access to the “status” of marriage and all that the status of marriage entails.”

The Real Prestige: Hugh are you trying to fool?

Published by Jordan on October 24, 2006 in Celebs and Films. 5 Comments

Hugh-Jackman-WifeOur buddy over at JustJared has posted a photo of Hugh Jackman, his wife, and the woman he tells people is his wife at an AIDS benefit dinner last night. The other man is identified as a photographer named James Houston, who apparently has a bad habit of jumping in on the photographs of happily married couples. Bad form from someone in the profession.

After seeing The Prestige last night with Rob, it actually took me until about 10 minutes ago to lose the erection I’ve suffered at the thought of Jackman and Christian Bale role playing a Siegfried and Roy vacation scene while the cameras weren’t rolling… as Lance Burton performed a little prestidigitation of his own on the corner of the bed. Sexual fantasies involving magicians (or those who play them on screen and stage) can never get too crazy. But now this! If Jackman gets the photographer, that means Bale (and his instaorgasm-worthy speech impediment) is still free as a bird.

I’d heard the rumors that the married Jackman was a four-twenty-nine and all, but I had no idea his wife was such a giveaway. He might as well have his arm around a basket of kittens. Do closeted gay celebrities even try to produce believable beards these days? Hugh, buddy. Wrapping a trendy extra thick headband around the teased hair of someone’s great aunt does not a wifey make. Even Travolta is laughing into his frappuccino.

Hugh Jackman Milks It [Just Jared]

Episode 9 - The PEN15 Club Podcast

Published by Jordan on October 8, 2006 in Podcast. 3 Comments

P15Podcast-2We’re back with an all-new season of the PEN15 Club Podcast!

Topics for Episode 9 include:

  • We’re sorry we went away. Let’s talk about SHOES.
  • Cinematics - Rob and Jordan talk about movies. Jesus Camp, The Departed, and Half Nelson.
  • Song: Beautiful Dreamer by Mates of State
  • Troll-y Foley
  • Only Sienna
  • Song: The Jeep Song by The Dresden Dolls

Stay tuned for more!

SchadenBOYde

Published by Jordan on October 3, 2006 in Famous PEN15s, News and Politics. 5 Comments

FoleyscreenshotI gotta be honest with you. I feel bad for the younguns and all, but whenever an anti-gay Republican politician gets popped for fucking around with underaged dudes, for me it’s like suckling on the swollen teat of Mary Mother of God. Really. Few things give me more satisfaction, except for having awesome cybersex with a 16-year-old student council president. But you know what I mean.

Day by day the Representative Mark Foley scandal gets worse. It’s like watching Michelle Rodriguez perform. At first, it’s pretty bad. Then, it gets worse. And right when you think it can’t possibly get any worse, there’s a crying and/or orgasm scene. Foley’s scandal has unfolded like a copy of the New York Post that someone shat in and folded back up. I already can’t wait what tomorrow brings!

Let’s recap, shall we?

First, the media obtains emails sent by Foley to underage male pages suggesting an overly friendly relationship with the young men. Foley’s people claim that asking the boys for their photos is standard practice, even after they complete the page program.

Then, instant messages between Foley and the boys surface, suggesting that the relationship was more than overly friendly; it was downright dirty. In fact, reading through the transcripts rang reminiscent of many confessional exchanges I had with clergy back in my Catholic days.

Follow that up with the admission of some in the Republican leadership that they knew of the possible threat that Foley posed over a year ago, while Foley checks himself into rehab. Don’t you hate it when you drink too much and turn all pedophile-y?

And finally, today. More instant message transcripts appear in the hands of the media featuring a censored (but undoubtedly steamy) cybersex conversation between Fogey — err, Foley — and a strapping young lad. Later, Foley admits to being gay and also to have been molested by clergy when he himself was a teen, events which apparently always go hand-in-hand.

The only disappointment of the entire scenario is the fact that the media censored the cyersex conversation. But guess what! The PEN15 Club obtained an unmolested copy of the transcript, which we will reprint for your reading enjoyment:

Maf54: I miss you

Teen: ya me too

Maf54: we are still voting

Maf54: you miss me too

Teen: Yeah. Like a 16-year-old misses kissing his grandma.

Maf54: I like it when u talk like that. See? I type ‘u’ instead of ‘you.’ How hip am I?!?!

Teen: LOL. You bring new meaning to ‘hip replacement.’

Maf54: U hard? Measure yourself for me.

Teen: A solid foot-and-a-half of swingin’ death, grandpa. What u gonna do about it?

Maf54: fhjadsklfhjsdkfl;ajdkfal;j!!!!!!!!!

Maf54: Nothing now. That was so much better than doing my wife. U finish?

Teen: Yeah. Whoopdedoo. Yehaw. Whatever you say.

Maf54: Isn’t this internet great?! We can have this relationship secretly with no way for anyone to find out about our love for each other.

Teen: Yeah. It’s Fort Fucking Knox.

Maf54: ok..i better go vote..did you know you would have this effect on me

Teen: lol I guessed

Teen: ya go vote…I don’t want to keep you from doing our job

Maf54: can I have a good kiss goodnight

Teen: :-*

Teen: <kiss>

New Foley Instant Message: Had Internet Sex While Awaiting House Vote [ABC News]

Instant Message Obtained by ABC News Cast Doubt on Claims from Foley’s Lawyer [ABC News]

Andy Towle’s continuing coverage [Towleroad]