The PEN15 Club

Okay, I know it’s old news, but has anyone else seemed to realize that Anderson Cooper is growing bat-shit crazier by the minute? It started with several episodes of almost outing himself during his own news hour, and progressed to wild, voice-cracking ranting during hurricane Katrina.

But now, his sheer ridiculousness has spread to epic proportions.The editor’s note at the top of this article on CNN.com states that Anderson wrote the piece for everyone’s favorite ambiguously straight fag-rag, Details magazine. But still. It’s posted on CNN.com – in the “U.S.” section, right up there with Condi, Harriet Miers, and other “real news.”

The piece is about how Andie bites his nails and (gasp!) does so as an adult. Not only is this a topic that clearly warrants its own article, but in order for it to be real news, it must contain a passage such as this:

Doctors will tell you that nibbling nails is a sign of anxiety and insecurity, a nasty habit that can lead to infection.

I’m sure they’re right. There are certainly plenty of less painful ways to deal with stress but really, how many times a day can you masturbate?

I don’t know, Andie. How many times a day can you masturbate? Is it thrice when you don’t bite your nails, and just a duce when you do? I can speak from experience, whenever I find myself chomping down on my fingers, it’s almost always because I didn’t have the time or coverage to rub one off instead. For me, the two activities are nearly indistinguishable.

But, oh, it only gets better:

Smokers mock tobacco chewers, who deride nose pickers, who shun fingernail biters, who absolutely abhor toenail chewers, the real bottom-feeders.

Clay Aiken admits he used to bite his toenails. If the image of young Clay in a red leather jacket salivating on his big toe doesn’t make you ill, I have nothing left to say to you.

I would like to ask Anderson where, according to his hierarchy of disgusting people in the first paragraph, he puts himself, as he has both admitted to chewing his nails, and has almost certainly fed on many bottoms.

And what Andiboy certainly means in the second paragraph is that if you are not made ill imagining Clay Gaykin with his toe in his mouth, then Anderson has nothing left to say to you because he will be forthrightly occupying his own mouth.

Hopefully we can look forward to many more fascinating articles from Anderson, such as, “Only I know those santorum stains aren’t coffee spills,” and “When he tweaks my nipples, I feel like I am going to sneeze.”

The agony of adult nail biters [CNN]